Guilty Bystander

I am a despicable person. You know that someone is picked on continuously and you have nothing against this person. They have nothing against this person except that he's weak. One day, you are in a conversation that twists towards insulting him. What do you do? Do you do the right thing and stand up to them? Do you say something and remind them that they're dealing with a human being just like them? Do you ignore the fact that they could turn on you and defend him because he did nothing wrong? Or do you do what I do? Do you pretend you didn't hear anything? Cower behind some sort of mask and hate yourself even as you do it?
The trait I hate most in human beings is their ability to close their minds. They refuse to accept another way of life and hate those who do. These comments combined that stupidity along with their usual cruelness. I used to say something about that. Sometimes I still do. I find it important to fight those kind of thoughts, to try to make people see what the world could be if they just accepted one another. But no, not today. Not when it's people my age. Not when it's people I have to face on a daily basis. Not when it's combined with the above. Even when it's a false accusation.
I stand by, and let people be hurt. "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is the biggest lie we were ever told. Words are sharper and more painful than anything we can attempt to create in our constant battle with nature to destroy everything and everyone. And I could be a shield. I could break that impact, send it back. Yes, it would mean taking a few injuries myself. But I should be strong enough to handle it. I hate myself for every second where I haven't intervened. From now on, I will not do that. I will defend these people because that's the moral thing to do. Maybe I can't love and be all wonderful in the way I'm expected to help the world. But I can fight the idiots who think they're so superior because of their cruelty.

Arguing

I was on the Internet looking something up and I clicked on this other, unrelated link. I found a page on how to use the Socratic method of arguing. http://www.wikihow.com/Argue-Using-the-Socratic-Method
It's brilliant!! I've tried it on someone I'm in the middle of a debate with and I don't hope to convince him I'm right. I just want to make him think a little because he's so closed minded. He hasn't read it yet. But it's so much fun. Although patience is kind of needed. But I can do that. It's just asking questions and letting them dig their own holes! This is fantastic. Socrates is a genius!! It means you get less frustrated as well when you're trying to prove a point and they won't listen. If you're asking questions, they usually answer and .... wait a second. This is what Scarlett always uses on me ....
Well, I do need to know the weaknesses of this argument so that I can make sure the idiot with the closed mind doesn't win ... And so that Scarlett doesn't leave me so flustered and wound up after using it on me ....

I Have A Dream

I've just been watching Tangled and they all start singing about having a dream, so I thought I'd share mine.
I have a dream of being free. Being free from a world where success is measured by material things, where looking after yourself and no-one else is seen as a good thing, where some people have everything and others have nothing. Being free from all the things that are expected from me. To be free from the small minded people that weigh me down in petty thoughts and anger. To be free from myself.
I guess my dream isn't that realistic ...

What's your dream?

Scarlett

It's Scarlett's birthday today! So I thought I would dedicate a post to her. I bought her birthday present yesterday. It's a moneybox by pure coincidence. It's made by Nemesis Now because she loves them and looks like this:
I really hope she likes it. It was all I could afford. She has an obsession with dragons loves everything to do with them. Except killing/hunting etc them. She believes St George is pure evil for what he did and once decided to write a story about him. Except with changed names. He was, of course, presented as a baddie. Well, an obnoxious and cocky teenage boy anyway. Who failed to kill the dragon because of this girl who was an amazing fighter and took care of the dragon. The dragon had looked after her since she was a child and the only person in her village who wasn't killed by the evil king. This girl had the best weapons of course. Scarlett loves those as well. At the moment her favourite throwing weapons are Kunai, as pictured below.
But overall she prefers Katanas. Which my boyfriend (Jaromir) also loves. He owns one and I tried to use it but it's too big for me. Scarlett is very tall though and so it isn't as much of a problem for her.
When I asked her what else is really important to her she said her rabbit. From what I remember it's a male rabbit by the name of Fudge. He has no front teeth, has very long fur and a weak stomach. Oh, and he isn't mad on people. Which is something they have in common. He isn't her first rabbit but he's the only one she has now. He can be a bit violent but he loves her. And apparently if you pick him up, he'll climb over your shoulder to jump onto the floor. He's not a smart rabbit.
There's a guy at school called Luke. He is creepy. And one day he decided to "dance" with some of the girls in our science class. When he tried it with Scarlett, she attacked him with a ruler and won. He hasn't gone near her since. The world is grateful for her fantastic defeat of him. Although it also showed why she shouldn't be allowed near weapons :')
I probably shouldn't reveal her weaknesses but never mind. She's afraid of diseases. Once her dad made her sit through a film about them. I can't remember the name. She was texting us throughout the whole thing and neither myself nor Amisha could calm her down. Until it got to the end of the film. It turned out that the disease started from a bat. The bat pooed. A pig ate it. A human killed the pig. Hello worldwide epidemic. So I went on the Internet and asked google "do pigs eat bat poo?" Apart from one site I never told her about, all the results were reviews of the film. Which I decided meant that the film was unrealistic and impossible. That worked.
I want to say much, much more because there is so much more to Scarlett. But I'm sure everyone is bored by now so I'll end it.

Personality Quiz

I got this from www.personalityquiz.net It's called The Desert.
"You have been travelling through the desert for days. You are tired and water is running low. You have with you the following animals:
A cow (ko in Swedish, which I need to practise)
A lion (lejon)
A monkey (apa)
A horse (häst)
A goat (get)
You only have a limited amount of water left - not enough for you and all your animals to escape. If you run out of water all of you will die in the desert.
You realise that if you are to make it out of the desert at all, you are going to have to make a tough decision. You are going to have to leave one of the animals behind so that the rest of you may live.
Which animal do you leave behind?"
I chose the goat.
"You have four animals left. The desert is is burning up it goes on for miles. Your water supply is running even lower than you first thought. You realise that to get  out, you are going to have to leave another animal behind.
Which animal do you leave behind?"
I left behind the monkey.
"You have three animals left. You reach the oasis but it has dried up! You have no other choice but to leave another animal behind.
Which animal do you leave behind?"
Goodbye cow.
"You only have two animals left. It's a long hot walk. You can see the edge of the desert in the horizon. Unfortunately, you do not have enough water left for three. You can only leave the desert with one animal.
Which animal do you leave behind?"
Sorry lion.
"Congratulations! The two of you made it out of the desert!"
Each animal represents an aspect of your life. The longer they lasted the more important they are to you. So mine from most to least important are:
Horse - something you are very passionate about
Lion - pride and courage
Cow - desire to help and care for other people
Monkey - your desire to create harmony in a group
Goat - wealth and abundance

What are your results?

P.S. No animals of any kind were harmed in the creation of this post

Crap ...

I don't want you anymore.
You're the one I'm done crying for.
And yet when you call me,
I let you take whatever you want from me.
You're my destruction,
But I can't resist your seduction.
I beg of you to set me free.
I beg of you to let me be.


Tyler has been texting me ...

Emo Poetry

I used to write a lot of poetry and I re-read some of it today. It's been over a year so now I can laugh at my pathetic attempts. But I found two that I liked, even if they're not very well written. I'm desperately trying to improve them and not doing very well. Reading all those poems has made me want to start writing poetry again. Some of the stuff people write is amazing! Not the stuff I write but maybe if I keep on practising I'll get fairly good. Emo poetry's always been the type that makes the most sense to me ... I can understand that stuff. Reading old diary entries (how I found the poems) proves I'm not as depressed as I was before but they still mean a lot to me and I still have my darker moments.
Anyway, I found a poem called She And Me by someone called Rose o Fletch on a website called www.bestteenpoems.com and I thought I'd share it.
"She smiles, I cry
She's brave, I'm shy
She loves, I'm alone
She's amazing, I'm unknown
She's beautiful, I'm a mess
She's happy, I'm depressed
She's a fake, I am real
My mask is perfect, she hides me"
That is exactly how I used to feel. And sometimes in my worst moods, I still do feel that way.

Money

I got loads of money for my 16th birthday and I need to decide what to spend it on. I have 3 options to choose from: concert tickets, prom shoes and guitar lessons. I have £145.
Concert tickets, pros:

• I can make up for not seeing Black Veil Brides on my birthday
• I love music
• I love the atmosphere of concerts
• It will be an amazing memory and well worth the money
• There are so many bands I want to see live
• I really, really want to stand in another mosh pit which still seems like too awesome a word to use for anything that happens in my life

Concert tickets, cons:

• I wouldn't be able to see Black Veil Brides because I missed their fucking tour, rendering the first point useless (thanks a lot Dad)
• I have no-one to go with
• My parents might not let me go
• Dad might just throw a strop again and make things difficult

Prom shoes, pros:

• I do need shoes for prom and I have nothing that will go with my dress
• It's an excuse for another pair of New Rocks, especially since my current pair are beginning to fall apart because I wear them so much
• I can't ask my parents to pay for them because all the stuff I like is very expensive and mum already paid for my dress
• In response to the point below about shopping at Camden, I can shop online
• I won't have this much money again before prom

Prom shoes, cons:

• I won't be able to wear them until prom except around the house to get used to them
• They will quite possibly cost more than £145
• I would have to go all the way to Camden to get them. I don't know anyone who will go shopping with me

Guitar lessons, pros:

• I have always wanted to learn to play guitar
• They loan you an instrument
• I really really really want to be able to play an instrument, guitar in particular
• I may never get another chance

Guitar lessons, cons:

• It's £22 per lesson. I have the money now but I might have it consistently
• It might shatter my dream - what if I'm a total fail or it isn't as amazing as I'd imagined?
• What if I'm so awful I can't even get a second lesson?
• Lets face it, I'll never be like Jinxx or Slash or Gary Moore or Jimmy Hendrix or any other talented guitarist. No more than I'll ever look or sound like Amy Lee

If you have any idea what I should do, please comment!

Dentists

Today was the worst day of the past six months. Well not really but I'm allowed a little artistic licence :p
So I get up the town to meet my mum before stepping into Hell. We go to the reception and fill in a few bits of paperwork (again). Then we had to sit, waiting for the most horrible torture ever invented. Mum actually asked me if I want her to go in with me. And was annoyed when I said yes!! I can't face that awful thing by myself!
So eventually the devil himself comes out and calls us to the most firery part of his domain. I sat on the chair which he pulled back. I used to enjoy that bit but now I'm so terrified. And I'm bigger so it isn't as much fun.
I hate the way he makes you strech your mouth far wider than is humanly possible. ALthough as my mouth gets larger, it gets easier ;) And then he sucks all the water out of my mouth. How is that not torture when your mouth is stretched really wide open and you can't swallow?! My mouth could have dried up so much it would be useless forever and a miniature dessert! And he pokes that stupid little mirror around in your mouth too.
And then comes the worst bit! He takes a fucking scalpel and stabs all my teeth with it! I was almost shaking by this point. I wanted to run away screaming! I'm always scared it's going to get stuck in my tooth and never come out and it'll just hurt!
So he's finally done prodding at my teeth. It only took about a minute but it was a horrible, horrible minute!!!!
Then he gave me good news and bad news.
The good news: I don't have to go through that torture again for another 6 months!!
The bad news: I have to go through that torture again in another 6 months!!

Contecting the Dead

I made my oija bourd. It has a huge pentacle on it and ... actually, I might be able to get a picture of it ....
No, maybe not. Okay, description. It has a large purpe pentacle across the centre. In the middle of the pentacle is a protection rune. At the points of the pentacle are symbols for the five elements and their names. In the four corners I've written "yes", "no", "hello" and "goodbye". At the top of the pentacle, sort of around the top pointy bit, I've written the alphabet. Between the bottom two pointy bits I've written the numbers 0 to 9. To the left, between those two pointy bits, I've written "I can not answer" and opposite that I've written "I do not understand".
According to the internat the best time to try it is midnight. I'm tired all the time and never up until midnight. So early afternoon had to do. Lighting a white candle is supposed to help too although I can't remember why. I don't have one. I thought of doing it on a Wednesday because of magickal things to do with communication but I did it today (Saturday) instead. So it wasn't perfect condtions but who cares.
I tried to record what was happening with the voice recorder thing on my phone. But I'm very sorry to say, nothing was picked up. But that's okay too. I sat down with the ouija bourd in front of me. And for protection I visualised myself in a bubble of white light. That bubble is, I told myslelf, unpenetrable. Nothing with harmful intentions could cross it. I said allthis outloud as if it was some kind of spell. I had meant to make it into one actually. Adding "As I wish, so mote it be", as all spells seem to have at the end. I then welcomed the elements using "Valeries Rhyming Invocations To The Four Quarters" as found in Starhawks Spiral Dance. I would like to mention that they don't rhyme.
Then I tried to communicate with the dead. Nothing happened. Something the planchette thing. Or rather, something guided me to move it. But I didn't get anything that made sense. So I decided to try again another time. I was dissapointed but only slightly. I will try again someday. And maybe I shouldn't have started like that. But I said I'd post the results and here they are. Better luck next time? I hope so :)
P.S. Thankyou to Syukri for your comment on the post where I said I was going to do this :) The other people  I've told about it have been less supportive about this idea.

I Hate People

By "people" I don't mean my friends and family. Love you all. I don't mean the people I've never met either. So I guess the title's a lie. But right now I don't care. I just want to give it all up. I'm sick of fighting all the bad things and trying to find the good. I'm sick of feeling like I have to keep a smile on my face and knowing it won't work, that I can't fake it. I'm sick of agonising hours where I just want to cut myself but I can't. i'm sick of the people who make things more difficult.
Today I was asked of I still see Tyler. I haven't seen him since before the New Year. I texted him 3 fucking times.That was all. 3 fucking conversations. They made me so happy, so hopeful. And then Amelie decided she was going to mess it up. I haven't heard from him since. And I've accepted that I never will. I've stopped seeing it as a loss. It's what is meant to be. But still. She ruined anything that remained. So when I'm told, after being asked the above question, that she still cares about me I react badly. "How about you go slit your wrists again?" That is NOT what you say to someone you care about. I wonder if she realises the truth of what ended our friendship. Because the fact that Tyler was mentioned first suggests she still believes it was because of him.
In some ways, I blame him. Sometimes I need to blame someone because otherwise - well I don't want to think about why it happened if it isn't his fault. But when he entered my life, it shook up everything I knew. I needed that I guess but that doesn't mean I like it. I like to blame him for the changes in me. I like to blame him for me sinking back into depression, possibly further than before. I like to blame him for my suicidal thoughts. I like to blame him for the rest of the world suddenly becoming real and adult and scary and even more confusing than before. It feels like I'm standing on the smallest floor known to humankind, barely a stepping stone. It's in the middle of space. And that space is spinning around me, images of familiar people and things distorted beyond anything I recognise. I know I can't stay here and I need to find another stepping stone because this one is crubling. And I can't go back to how it was. But I can't see the next bit or even what's going on now because it's spinning to fast for me to figure anything out. Or maybe I'm spinning to fast to make it out and the world is perfectly still and simple and normal. It's felt like that for a while even if I haven't acknowledged it. But now it's worse, the spinning is faster. And for that I like to blame Tyler. But it's not his fault at all.
And the one thing I really can't blame him for is the end of my friendship with Amelie. This was her fault. This is because of what she said. This is because she is a fucked up selfish bitch. She lied about saying it. And she has never once made an attempt to contact me, not even to apologise. If she had, I wouldn't forgive her but I would consider it. Now, after all this time, I wouldn't. If she gave me an apology I'd tell her to stick it up her fucking arse. And Eva had better be lying about her saying she cares about me. Because if Amelie had the guts to say that, I'd be only too happy to cook those guts and feed them to vultures out in the desert. She isn't the only one who hides her worse side.
I never said this of course. I just said "she should have thought of that before" and walked away. It ruined my mood. I had been so happy, enjoying the sun because it pushes away the depression.
And now, I just want to give up. I want an easy option and I want people to stop hating and I want to stop hurting. I want to create a little bubble, crawl inside it and stay there preotected. An unpoppable bubble that shuts out all the nasty things in life.
I can't do that. But I can give up, just give up on life, on all of it. It's so tempting. But I can't. I have to be strong. I don't know why. I don't see the point. I'm tired of trying to be strong. I'm tired of trying to do what's right. I'm tired of trying to think my way through situations way out of my control. I'm tired of feeling like I've done those but then criticising myself. Telling myself I'm stupid and selfish and don't know what it's like to really hurt. That everyone else is far worse off than me and yet their coping, so I must be a total wuss. The self hatred is what I'm tired of the most. Nothing I do will ever be good enough as far as that spiteful part of my mind is concerned. It tells me to give up, that it's better if I do. But then it makes me feel like I'm pathetic and awful for just daring to even think of giving up.

Mediums

I was doing a pyscic test thing on the internet. It gave me 7 out of 10 for precognisis, 3 out of 10 for telepathy, something out of 10 for telekinesis and 7 out of 10 for mediumship. I want to try out the 7/10s. The first one makes a bit more sense. But the second, the medium part doesn't.
I believe in ghosts.Which confused me at first because I also believe in reincarnation. I thought about it a lot trying to find a logical way they could both exist. I settled for the simple ghosts have some unfinished business/don't know their dead/some other reason for staying on Earth. But when they're ready to, they move on. And I have felt ghosts sitting on my bed in the middle of the night. I always hear people calling me when there's no-one there. Sometimes in the voice of people I know. Both of these could be due to an overactive imagination. Although it hurts to say that because it's a cool idea.
But none of the questions it asked really referred to talking to dead people. And I can't think of any time when a ghost has tried to contact me. No matter how much I wish otherwise.
Soooooo, I'm going to test this. I am going to try to contact the dead. PLEASE don't tell me why it's such a bad idea. I love ghost stories. Trust me, I know how much some people fuck up. I know what could go wrong. I am making an informed decision and have decided that the risks are worth taking. However, for added safety measures, I will create a circle of protection around myself. I haven't decided how I shall do this but I have thought about it and will have made up my mind before I attempt to do this. Salt is good for protection but I have a carpeted bedroom and don't know where the hoover is to clean up afterwards. The hoover would wake up my family anyway. So unless I can find a way of doing that without making a mess, I'll have to find something else.
I have literally no money, so I can't buy lots of things. But I've been looking on the internet for methods. Every single website tells you to light a candle and sit in front of a mirror. Then you will see pictures. That isn't the right method for me. And not just because I'll be afraid to look in the mirror for a long time. I thought for a while about Ouija boards and how much they would cost. When I discovered you can make your own!! I'm so excited. I'm going to make one and try using it. Yes I know it's the most dangerous way of doing it etc, etc. But I don't care. I have already mentioned that I'm using a protective circle so I should be OK.
I'll post what happens! :D

Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep

When I wake up in the morning I'm practically a zombie. I don't like leaving my bed and my bed doesn't like letting me go. I remain tired for the entire day. I quite often have to fight o stay awake in class and don't always bother. I get home from school and I reach half 8 (if I'm lucky) before deciding I'm too tired. Sometimes I stay up anyway for dinner or to call dad or to finish a drink or because moving enough to get into my pjs and then onto bed is waaaaaaaaaaay too much effort. Wake up in the morning and repeat.
On Saturdays I sleep in and it's the most wonderful feeling ever. But at some point I have to wake up. When I do I have a headache because my body doesn't like sleeping that long, I'm desperate to pee, my throat is drier than the Sahara dessert and I'm fucking starving. I will try for a little more sleep but won't get any. And yet I am STILL tired. On Sundays I try so, so hard to sleep in as late as on Saturday. But I just can't. And I'm STILL tired.
During half term I woke up somewhere between 11 and 2 every single day. By 4 I would be tired again. This is actually when I started to notice it was a problem. It was a few weeks later that I started getting into bed at 6. Then, when I was woken up for dinner, I would still be so tired that even my usual zombie communication seemed perfectly clear and understandable. Now I'm falling asleep at school, I have to wonder .... what the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I always tired?
Now I've whinged a little about that, I'm going to bed :)

Amnesty International

I've been a member of Amnesty International for a while now and for Christmas I asked for some of their product things e.g. messenger bag, candles. I sign a lot of online petitions for things I consider to be very important. But last night I finally joined a group. So now I can do more.
I'd emailed the leader (?) of the group and so had an expectation of what it was going to be like. The woman spoke in very formal English and lives in one of the poshest and most expensive areas of the town. So I was slightly worries that the woman would be very snobby. Mum came with me because the meeting was held at the woman's house, and she had decided the people were most probably "do-gooders" and was worried they would talk down to us.
We couldn't have been more wrong. There were 5 of us in total, I was the only person under the age of 30 there! And it was all women. Everyone there was so lovely. The house smelled of that distinctive "old person" smell and there was a gorgeous cat that liked my shoes :') We talked about a few things and signed some letters to set free a guy from China. He's a blind lawyer who tried to file a case against the authorities because they were forcing sterilisations and abortions on some people. He was arrested and has been released from prison but him and his wife are now under house arrest. The other letter was to allow women in Saudi Arabia to drive.
Because of the meeting last night I walked into school with a petition for Shell to clean up their mess in the Niger Delta. I have almost 3 whole pages filled! I'm so happy. I love to make the world a better place and I'm glad to have contributed to this.
I'm really looking forward to the meeting next month. I can't wait to do a little more for the people out there who need he help. I know what I do makes very little difference but if enough people do the same then it will make a huge difference.

Recharacterisation: Amelie

I posted something about her character before and in light of recent events, I would like to correct it.
"For a long time I saw her as stupid and blind. I thought she was completely under Marzena's control". Now I disagree. She's a bitch in her own right.
"She was incredibly helpful and so, so supportive". She was supportive because I was doing what she wanted. Every time she disliked something I did, she stopped being supportive. Despite the I supported her in so many things I would much rather have told her she was stupid for. Like when she told me the reason she doesn't like lesbians is because she's afraid they're going to rape her. And she doesn't like Ganika when they've only met once. And she got herself grounded for seeing her boyfriend Andrew and couldn't see us for months at a time. Yet she'd then meet up with him again, get caught and be grounded. Instead of asking her if he's really worth it, I kept my mouth shut and wished her luck. (And she claims I put guys before friends? Especially since she's the one who let them drive us apart).
"Amelie is completely insane". I meant this in a positive way. Insane as in fun and not afraid to be different. She appears to be like that. But she once told me that if you want to kill yourself then you should keep your mouth shut and just do it. That's why, after trying to kill herself 11 times she was put in a mental home for 3 days. And there really was a little boy in the corner rocking and grinning to himself all weirdly. Bullshit! That never happened and even if it had, how would they have known? And that's why she also lied about being raped. And why she said to me "why don't you just go and slit your wrists" yesterday simply because I said I like a guy. She's insane in all the wrong ways.
"She's human". As if that excuses her from being as bitchy as she was? No way. I know that people have bad sides, my own terrifies me. But that doesn't mean they can be excused for everything they do. What she said to me was just vicious. I used to hate William the most out of anyone I had ever met. I must have mentioned him? After arguing with him I'd want to kill someone I was so angry. But I would never have said that. Or anything even like that. I know one of his weaknesses because his brother died recently. I saw him cry over it. I could have been cruel about it. But no matter what, I would never mention that. Even now I wouldn't say that to Amelie. Or pick on her weakness and tell her mum about the phone Andrew bought her and payed for. The one she only texts him from. The one that I'll bet she hasn't deleted the dirty pictures from.
My new opinion of her: She's a bitch. And all I can do is thank the Goddess my other friends didn't take up her plight today.

Tyler

I don't know why I'm mentioning him yet again, but I just can't seem to get over him. I miss him more each day. I've spoken to him a couple of times since we stopped being what we were. The first time it was because he had heard that I'd said I never felt anything for him. Weirdly enough, I had wished he would hear it and that it would hurt him as much as he hurt me. But when it came to it, I found myself telling the truth: that I'd said it to make myself believe it. Somehow he always manages to get the truth out of me. By the end it got more friendly. And some of the things he said meant so much to me, even if they were all in past tense.
The second time, he just wanted to talk. Although the conversation didn't last long. When I asked "how's life?", he told me it was "decaying". Part of me was just begging for him to tell me it was because he missed me and couldn't cope without me etc, etc. But then I reminded myself that I was being stupid and selfish. I'm not good enough for him. What I really want is for him to be happy. That's the unselfish thing to want, the better thing. He never answered me about it though and I can only guess what he meant.
The third time was last night. He told me about this girl he saw who looked "f-ing awesome" and he thought it was me. I asked if he liked her and he said she was "f-ing hot" but he doubted he'd ever see her again. So I told him that if he did, I hoped she was fucking amazing. Because he deserves nothing less, but I didn't tell him that part. He told me that "at the moment there's no-one better than you". I know what I want that to mean. But I'm afraid to hope.
And, if he did like me, I wouldn't know what to do. Because I want him back so, so badly. But he deserves so much better and I don't want to stop him finding that. And I'm afraid of how my friends will react. Which is stupid but I don't need the drama they'll bring. If life was a film, he'd make me realise that I am good enough for him and all my friends would be very supportive and not cause any problems at all. Life isn't a film though. And I keep hoping that he'll turn round and say he likes me. But what I really need is to know what to do. I don't trust myself to make the right decision any more. I just need an answer ....

What would you do?

What would you do if you wanted to text someone who meant loads to you, but you were afraid in case they didn't want to talk to you? What would you do if you wanted to tell someone you missed them but were afraid in case they said something you didn't want to hear? What would you do if you couldn't get over a guy you didn't deserve? What would you do if you were afraid of your own mind and wanted to improve it but just felt yourself slipping back to how you were? What would you do if you kept trying to quit self harm but couldn't manage it? What would you do if you just wanted to tell someone the truth and have them be there for you, but you didn't have anyone? What would you do if you wanted to cry but just couldn't? What would you do if you looked in the mirror and just felt plain and not worthy of noticing? What would you do if you just wanted to be good enough for that one person? What if you missed someone more and more each day but you knew you would never see them again? What would you do if you were me?
(All questions I'm asking myself but if you have an answer I'd be most grateful)

Life is Good

I did a post a long time ago about things in my life I was grateful for, and I'm probably still grateful for them. But here are some more things, just because I feel like it.

• I am finally beginning to learn from my mistakes
• I am healing my mind
• I have discovered that I'm not quite as selfish as I first thought
• My family really are more amazing than I give them credit for
• I've relearnt the value of friendship
• I've also rediscovered loyalty, something I was convinced humanity had lost
• I have finally discovered that yes, it can hurt to care about people. But it hurts far less than it does to not care
• I'm not that much more than a month away from being able to do conservation work and therefore helping the planet and therefore the Goddess that has given me so much
• There's always a positive side to everything, if you just care to look
• Today was the first day of spring in England for 2012. The sun's making me feel better all ready!
• I've never lived in a country under the regime of a cruel dictator or with as scary a political situation as somewhere like say, the Middle East
• War has never affected me personally
• I've only lost one member of my family and at the time I was too young for the pain to be as bad as it would be now
• I have a sense of humour, twisted as it is. And a sense of humour is something far too many people lack
• I have travelled to many other places since I last wrote something like this (Well, 6)
• I have never suffered the effects of a natural disaster
• I never lack food or clothes
• I'm not afraid to dream
• I have all my limbs and things

So yeah, life isn't that bad :)

Dear Tyler

Dear Tyler,
I know you'll never read this but I want to thank you! I spent so long hurt over everything you'd done and everything I'd done. For once in my life I can acknowledge that I messed up without completely blaming myself. We both made mistakes and I've regretted them again and again. I've been angry at you and hated you. I've wanted to hurt you as badly as you hurt me. I've wanted you back. I've wanted to just know the truth. I've wanted you to never have existed. And the truth is, you have caused me loads of pain and confusion but I don't blame you for it.
I still feel bad that you had to put up with me the way I was and I apologise for every one of my faults. However that is not why I'm writing this.
What I really want to say is thank you. Thank you so, so much. It took some time but you made me realise just how messed up my mind is. You made me see everything that's wrong with it. You made me realise all my problems. I had buried who I really was so deep, I thought she was dead. But no, she's here now. Awake and alive. I'm finally healing after all the problems over the past year and a bit. I know it's not over, it isn't all happy endings from here. But now I know how to deal with it a little bit better. I'm finally somewhere close to being happy. It's so unfamiliar I'm not even sure how true it is. But for once, I really am happy. Not the happiness I faked a few months ago, where I just smiled and that made me happy. No, this is a real happiness, deeper than that because I've sorted myself out.
Thank you for showing me all of my weaknesses. Thank you for confusing me so much I was forced to actually look into my own mind and see all the poison that had built up. Thank you for adding to it until I could no longer ignore it.
Blessed be,
Jezabel

Power Animals

I bought this book a very long tme ago. It's called Power Animals: How To Connect With Your Spirit Guide by Steven D Farmer. It comes with a cd with the meditation on it to help you find your power animal. I used this cd once again today in order to find my power animal and I have finally found it!
Here she is! And so cute as well! I love her so much!
I would recomend the book I mentioned above if you are interested in finding your power animal. It's very helpful. ALthough, it has information on various animals and what it means if they're your power animal. But my sweet tabby is ignored!
I found out a few thing from my wonderful friend the internet. What my animal says about me:

• I am independant
• I am a free thinker
• I am often energised at night (unfortunately very true)
• I tend to stay with a person or situation until I get bored, then I wander off
• I have clear perception
• I'm organised (not at all!)
• I need courage and confidence, which my kitty will bring me
• It's about time I changed, or I am changing
• I am elegant
• I am understanding
• I am intuitive
• I am empathatic
• I have a big heart
• I'm lazy (so, so true)

A cat as a spirit animal also:

• Represents love
• Helps you move through your fears
• Teaches that the physical and spiritual worlds are the same world
• Is a trustworthy teacher as well as being resourceful, strong and fearless
• Shows how to clarify perception
• Allows new ideas to manifest
• Encourages emotional and mental agility
• Helps you be resourceful and stealthy
• Helps you increase your intuity

Talking to her during this meditation thingy I also learnt that:

• She's playful
• She gives and recieves love a hell of a lot
• She's confident

Those last three are definately a part of me I buried long ago. As for the rest, some of it's scarily accurate. Some of it is a load of bull. But I have no idea what I'm really like anyway. So you can make what you like of my personality by this ...

Random Babbling

I suppose that it would come as no shock to you that I am, once again, confused. There's this guy called Tyler. I was going to tell you all about him before but then things went wrong. I decided I wouldn't use a name for him because he wasn't part of my life anymore and so I would never mention him again. He's the "friend" I talk about in Judging. He's the reason I wrote Why I Hate Guys. He's the guy I write about in Amelie and the reason I fought with Amelie in Open Your Eyes Bitch. As hard as I tried to put him out of my mind, I couldn't do it. Especially when I started to think of all the good things about him instead of the bad.
But I did SO well. Even though I mentioned him fairly recently, he meant no more to me than Toby. I barely thought of him. He wasn't in my daydreams. I didn't fall asleep with him still in my mind. This was a huge, huge improvement.
And then it was ruined. Eva came into school today and told me a conversation she'd had with Tyler. Apparently, he did still want me. Apparently he just lost my number. And I don't know what to think. Part of me is begging this to be true. That part of me isn't over him, it wants to be loved again. That's the part of me that remembers all the good things. Another part of me thinks it doesn't matter because there's no way it's true. So I should ignore any feelings and get on with my life. Then a third part of me doesn't care if it's true. That parts just trying to defend me, to stop me getting hurt. It knows that if it is true, I'll fall for him again and it isn't worth it. That part of me can imagine the pain I'll have to go through.
The part of me that wants him back is the part that is the most determined to get it's own way. Even though the part that doubts the truth of the situation is the part that's probably right and which I should listen to, at least for now. And the third part is equally as right and the part I have to keep no matter what happens.
I wish I just knew what's going on. I wish I could make my mind up about my own feelings let alone what's going on. And now all the progress I'd made is totally reversed.

Judging

I decide whether or not I like someone based on how they treat people. Not just their friends, but the people they don't know and people like waiters and shop workers that are working for them. I accept people regardless of skin colour, race, religion, sexuality etc, as I have stated before. I also accept people with problems. A lot of people will see that someone drinks a lot or self harms or has voices and will make assumptions about the person. Me? No. I will accept any faults so long as you are still a nice person. That's all that really matters to me.
I treat these people with the respect they deserve as children of the Goddess. I treat them badly only when I have reason to. I would appreciate the same in return.
I suppose this is aimed at one person in particular. Who has no right to judge me. I don't know why I should have to justify myself but never mind. I guess I just don't like people to get the wrong impression.
Half of what I say comes across wrong. People seem to take joy in misinterpreting what I say until it has another meaning altogether. I am a fairly innocent person and maybe people should stop listening to my words and focus on my tone of voice. That will probably reveal more of my meaning. Over the Internet however, that is impossible. Instead, stop trying to read into everything I say. Stop trying to guess all the hidden meanings. You'll get it wrong.
You seem to have judged me on the fact that the first time I got drunk I was 14 and that I've gone further with a guy than you think I should have at 15. But both of those were a result of my depression and therefore I was not making the decisions with a decent mindset. I would also like to point out where I grew up. Here, most girls start drinking at about 11. They lose their virginity at 13 and then change their boyfriends every two weeks, sleeping with every single one of them. Those who do manage to have a long term relationship, cheat on their boyfriends regularly. And orange skin is considered normal. I stick with my natural skin colour. I only got drunk the once, although what I said may not have indicated that. And it was perfectly legal in the country I was in. I never even kissed a guy before I was 14 and haven't gone all the way. I won't until I'm legal and even then it'll be a while. I've had one boyfriend in my entire life and one "friend". No they weren't at the same time, no matter what you seem to think. I didn't even meet the "friend" until 8 months after I dumped my ex boyfriend. Neither of them lasted long but that's because they both lost interest in me. Again, my depression probably pushed them away. I have never cheated on anyone and never will.
I would also like to point out that if I hadn't got drunk that time I would never have kissed the guy I then went out with. I would never have then gone out with him. I would never have quit self harming the first time around. I wouldn't have realised yet that the only guys interested in me are the ones who think they can use me. I would never have discovered how to shut my emotions off. I would have been in a far worse place than I am today. Perhaps I wouldn't have calmed my curiosity about alcohol and drugs, both of which I was convinced would help me feel better.
What happened between me and my "friend" is nothing to do with you. But I will admit that yes, I did do more than I should. My logical mind didn't want to but he made it so hard to say no. I told you that he took advantage of the fact I was emotionally vulnerable at the time. And you said that you know a lot of guys who do that and that you "can't blame him". You said that "girls are so easy to get it isn't even funny". So if you know how easily we're convinced, how often we're used, why do you then blame us for responding to it?
I could say a lot about you that I could turn into something awful. But I accepted that without even considering. Because that's the type of person I am. I didn't judge you. Why are you judging me?
When you said that "[you] guess [you're] a proper Australian apart from [your] skin colour", I was pretty shocked. You told me that you respect me for my belief that skin colour doesn't matter and that if you've lived in a country your whole life then in my view, that is your country. So why all of a sudden have you taken the view  that you're so much better than me?

Prejudice

I was talking to a guy at school the other day and for some reason the conversation ended up with him explaining to me why he hates gay people so much. He grew up in the north of London and apparently, tolerance isn't particularly important there. He said about people actively encouraging their children to hate and abuse gay people.
Naturally, anyone with any kind of heart or conscience feels sorry for the people that are hurt by this. But do we see the whole picture? It isn't just the hated that hurt. They, however, cannot change their situation really. If people see prejudice and intolerance from an early age, they won't know anything else. So the people that hate are the ones that need to learn how to love.
They won't do that because they suddenly feel a need to become more compassionate and accepting. Many people won't change at all. And personally, I have equal sympathy for them as for the people that they hurt. How can you be complete when you're like that? How can a parent inflict such things on another generation? How can they encourage their children to deny part of themselves? To have such a belief, to think that it is wrong to be gay, or straight, or black, or white, or from Africa or Europe of Asia or America or Oceania or to be a Catholic or Muslim or Jew or Hindu or anything else, is to deny an important part of you. We are all human and why should we hate based on such small things? We aren't meant to be put into boxes where we can be judged. Hatred is born from anger or ignorance. Anger we can't fight but we can turn productive. Ignorance needs to be wiped out. I've hated too in the past. But now, when I've let it all go, I feel a better person for it. And I'm more at peace with myself too.
I don't know why it hurts to hate other people. But it does. And even if for no other reason, if you have some kind of prejudice, let it go for your own sake. Learn to love so that you can love yourself and be complete within your own mind.

New Years Resolutions

I meant to write this a while ago but completely forgot. Most people make New Years resolutions but we hardly ever keep them. Last year mine was to keep breathing. I kept it. This year I've made a more ambitious resolution. But can you imagine what life would be like if we could just make the resolutions and that alone would make them happen? If that was the case, these would be mine:
- Stop being depressed
- Become thin
- Finish my story
- Be a better Wiccan
- Fall for a guy who genuinely cares about me
- Develop psychic powers
- Get A*s in all my exams
- Learn to play guitar
- Learn to punch hard enough to defend myself in necessary, or at least for when I lose my temper at the next arsehole who tries to use me
- Figure out who my real friends are
- Grow to a C cup bra size
- Become better at self harm (using something sharper than what I use now and making it bleed more)
-Start a fictional blog for practise at creative writing
- Move to a better town
- Get into either Leventhorpe or Bishop Stortford High School sixth form
- Gain some self confidence
- Grow my hair down to my waist
- Dye my hair black
- Get my eyebrow pierced
- Get my lip pierced and have it suit me
- Get the tattoo I want
- Go to see Black Veil Brides in Concert to celebrate my 16th birthday
- Go to a festival to celebrate the end of compulsory education
- Earn some kind of regular income
- Make a (positive) difference to the world

What would yours be?

Questions With No Answer

The future. It's a total mystery. I think I know what's coming but in reality, I haven't a clue. I could fall down the stairs and bang my head  against the wall, falling into a coma tomorrow. I believe in fate but sometimes I don't like that idea. I want a say in what happens to my life. I want to be able to change it.
And people say "tomorrow is a new day". Yes it is, but so what? Tomorrow you can't be someone else. Tomorrow you're suffering the consequences of today. You still have the same past haunting you. You still have to live with the same memories. And other people will have the same memories of you. Everything we are and everything we do is shaped by our actions in the past. So how does it being a new day make any difference?
But if it's fate, we have no control anyway. If it's fate our decisions have already been made. So we worry about changing a future we have no effect on and waste hours trying to think how we can make things better. And everything has been decided by someone else. But who decides? Who has the awful job of choosing who lives in poverty and who's a millionaire? Who decides who's happy and who's not? Who has the heart to create the series of events that is human history?
And if it's all fate then where does suicide come in? Is that us backing out of what fate wants or has fate decided that too? And is there a purpose to what happens or is it all just "I feel like making someone do this"? I always assumed there was a purpose but now I'm not so sure. Because how many people in this world actually achieve something? Or even help people achieve something? How many of us actually have some kind of clue what's going on?
Most importantly: we're all going to die in the end anyway so why do I care?

I Can Cope

So my mum decided to play this song to me, telling me to listen to the lyrics. (I couldn't help picking the video, I love Ian/Damon)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goglgdW8kZc&feature=related
Is it wrong of me to get angry? I mean, she just assumes I need help. It's her way of trying to subtly say she knows how I feel etc etc. No, she doesn't. I'm fine. I'm not some fucked up suicide waiting to happen. Yeah, I've been bad but I'm getting stronger. I haven't been too depressed for a long time.
OK, I'm bullshitting. But she doesn't need to know that. I can cope. I'm dealing with everything and if I want someones help I'll ask for it. (If, of course, I was in that video rather than Elena I wouldn't mind so much ....) I just don't get why she's assuming that I need help.
My friends stopped trying. Amelie made one last attempt and it worked. The rest of the time they made things worse. There are so few ways to actually help it's stupid that people are still trying shit they know doesn't work.
I'm not suicidal. I have been. For months it's all I've wanted. But I can't do it. I know what people will think it's because of for a start and I don't want anyone thinking that. And then there's the fact I absolutely refuse to give in. I will struggle through this year, whatever it throws at me. And I have so much I want to do before I die. I want to see Black Veil Brides and Slipknot in concert for a start! Other than that, I'm not too fussed actually.
I just wish people wouldn't assume they know what I'm going through. They don't and they have no fucking right to try and tell me they do. Whether it's through words or a song or anything else. You know the events but you don't know what's in my head. You don't know how I see things. You don't know how I feel or what I see. I'm not you. Every thing's different from what you see/think/feel. We're different and there isn't anything that can change that.
I used to think that I wanted to know someone was there for me. But you know what? I don't give a fucking shit. I look for that and I end up hurt as I hope someone can become more than they will ever be to me. I'm not looking for that. Or waiting and hoping. Because that's looking to. I've given up on that. I will make my own way. I can save myself if I want to. I have the strength. And I can cope with anything. So let me do so and leave me the fuck alone!

Amelie

Amelie, she's been mentioned a few times. When I wrote my post "If People Had Warning Labels" which I deleted before posting, hers was - oh bugger, what was it? Something ending in "not realising lies are my crutch" But I don't remember what the first part was. It's really annoying. But never mind, you get the point I'm sure. I've often presented her as stupid and blind. For a long time I saw her as completely under Marzena's control. We argued and I hated having anything to do with her.
I've built up a very negative picture of her. And I would like to apologise. I was lost, I didn't know who was on my side and assumed therefore that no-one was. I only saw the way we would argue and she would believe the lies she'd been told. After this personal crisis actually led to something, I discovered otherwise.
In my loneliness, I became happy when a guy began to pay attention to me. I went along with it and we kept it secret. I only told Eva because it all just came spilling out. It all fell apart and Eva ended up telling Amelie. I was terrified because this was the guy I told you about in "Open Your Eyes Bitch". It all went far better than expected. I told her the truth about him and about how I was lost and hated myself and wanted to escape and I was confused and just trying to keep going. She got slightly angry at one point, but I can see why she did. That went away quickly though. She was incredibly helpful and so, so supportive. I am incredibly grateful to her and she's helped me get back on my feet.
So I thought I would try and show you more of her personality.
Amelie is completely insane. For Christmas I bought her a set of fake moustaches in various styles and there's a picture somewhere of us wearing one each. Most of the time spent with her is a good laugh. Such as when I stayed round hers and we got out her makeup. I wrote "olo" on her head because of her dirty mind and the innocent origins of the world. She drew a dick on mine. We gave each other moustaches and beards. And cat whiskers and wrote "bonbons" across our chest (a codeword for what was drawn on my head). Then we proceeded to take photos of ourselves in various strange poses and put them on face book.
The codewords are just as entertaining. I don't remember all of them but never mention these words to her: bonbons, socks, down, flake, teabags and biscuits. She is the most dirty minded girl I have ever met lol.
Other memories that reveal her personality? Well, there's the time Andrew went to Scotland and so she was going to join him in his suitcase and practise her Irish accent while she was there. Whilst hiding in his suitcase, she was wearing his underwear on her head. Which had a picture of a moustache on it. Why on earth I had to end up being forced to go with her I do not know.
I think, the only criticism I could ever make is her love of Andrew. He's a great guy, he really is. But she's convinced that she's going to spend the rest of her life with him. She's a bit over the top. He's a lot older than her and cheated on her once so her parents don't like the relationship. This means that whenever she gets caught with him she's grounded for months at a time. I have to wonder, is it worth it?
She's a fun person though, most of the time. She has her bad moments. But so does everyone. Quite a lot of them really. So maybe the main thing you could say about Amelie is: she's human. Confident, loud, funny, with mood swings. But still an average teenage girl.

Why I Hate Guys (or at least, the ones in my life)

I would like to just make sure the part about "the ones in my life" is very clear. I'm simply hating people I know
1. Only the creeps and arseholes are attracted to me
2. Telling someone they "wouldn't want anyone else" when they've been slagging them off to their friend and hitting on another girl would piss anyone off
3. I will never ever keep anything to do with one of them a secret again
4. It turns out I don't always know what I'm letting myself in for
5. I haven't come across one that actually tells you when they've found someone else
6. The stereotype of them being obsessed with their xbox? Surprisingly true
7. The ones that hit on you are quite obviously after one thing and as P!nk said "I'm not here for your entertainment" and "this body is a prize that speaks of loving unconditionally"
8. Those that aren't hitting on you tend to be total dicks. There are exceptions to this even in my life. I'll admit that
9. They become really hot when you like them but become so ugly when whatever was between you ends (regardless of what they looked like before)
10. I always hope that I've found the exception but I never have
11. Eva and Maddison are happy in love. I'm jealous
12. I was more miserable when the last one was in my life than before
13. I hate the paranoia and the being angry at myself for being paranoid and the what if I'm not paranoid I'm just noticing the truth
14. I waste so much of my time and thoughts on them
15. My town's full of the ugly ones
In case you can't tell, things were really looking up for a while and now it's all gone again ....

Air Freshners

I know this is a random topic, but has anyone else noticed that Christmas air fresheners are always the same and never smell like what they're meant to smell of? So here are some ideas for Christmas/Yule/other midwinter festival based air fresheners that actually smell like the idea. I have no idea why.
- Fresh snow
- Pine trees
- Christmas dinner
- Hot chocolate
- Roasted chestnuts
- Santa's aftershave (Because we all know he's real ;) )
- Mince pies
- Scarves and gloves and hats and that indescribable warm and comfy smell
- That indescribable cold smell
- Gold and myrrh and frankincense
- Christmas pudding
- Winter flowers
- Er, what else is there?

Other Religions

I don't care what religion anyone is. I will disagree with almost every religion on some points and agree with almost every religion on other points. I don't know enough about most religions to comment. So I really don't mind what you believe in. I don't mind talking about those beliefs. Although that may not always have come across and I apologise for any misunderstandings on this matter.
The thing I really don't like is when people try to convert me or tell me I'm wrong. I have spent 10 years having Christianity shoved down my throat by my RE teachers. For that reason I respect said religion but only from a distance. I can't stand being expected to take part in its practises or the way people will say something, for example Christmas, is completely Christian when actually most of it is older than Christianity and they used those dates so that the people they wanted to convert would switch easier.
Because of the way I have had this religion thrown at me as if it is the only possible way to life, I react far more strongly than I should to following other religions customs. To me it feels like a trap, like I'm being forced into participating in something I disagree with. When really it's something neutral that in other circumstances I would do out of respect. I suppose I wouldn't mind if I had had a choice throughout the years, but instead it was forced on me, building up anger and frustration.
I could probably cope with this alone, just about. But I also had to face the way everything in my religion is looked at as being against Christianity. And if I try to argue my point, I'm not listened to. I quite often get very angry at this. Sometimes all I want is to be heard. Or to feel free being myself. When I can't feel this I instinctively start attacking whatever I feel is causing this.
I guess the point of this is to try and explain that past comments came out wrong. And why they came out wrong. This is also a warning to other people: if you try and force your religion on someone they will most probably run the other way, seeing freedom in something else. And that if you look down on theirs, acting as if it is completely wrong, they will think the same about yours. This is my last year at this school and so I'm hoping that over time this instinct to get away from certain aspects of other religions will disappear. I've learnt how to control what I say or do though now, realising why I act like this and how it comes across. Tolerance and mutual respect are vital. If we don't have them, disrespect and prejudice will spread like a disease.
Edit: The quote that perhaps best explains my view is "Having a religion is like having a dick. I don't care if you have one, just don't try and shove it down my throat"

Politics

Politics. They play a part in every ones life, whether they notice it or not. I try to ignore it and just get on with my life. But I'm currently enjoying a day off school because my teachers are all striking. So I might as well express my view on this very controversial topic.
First thing is: our economy is failing. Everyone knows that. Our last government, Labour, fucked that up and so the difficulties we are in now are their fault. However Conservatives are failing at fixing these mistakes. It must be a very hard job trying to fix a country - the results are never instant and everyone wants things to be better now. Lib Dems are just puppets so they're useless too. Conclusion? None of the main 3 party's are any good. I don't know the other ones so I have no idea what they're like.
Second thing is: lies. I don't pay much attention to the news but I do know that politicians are all liars. For example, we were told tuition fees wouldn't be raised. We now have to pay more than any other country in the world to go to university. They work on what's best for them and if that means breaking promises, they're happy to do it.
Thirdly: Why the fuck are all of them from private schools? Maybe I'm feeling too much empathy for the Russian peasants we're learning about in history at the moment, but surely they're the worst possible people to run the country? When have they had to work for hours just for minimum wage? When have they been made redundant? When have they had to rely on the trains or buses that are never running properly? When have they ever had to worry about whether or not they can make a decent future for themselves? When have they ever had to sleep on the streets? The list goes on. We need the leaders of our country to be from a normal background. I want to know that the people that control my home are dedicated enough to have worked to where they are not just bribed people to get what they want. I also want to know that they know what it's like for ordinary people.
Fourthly: Why am I complaining? I can't make a change. And yes there's all that bullshit about how slaves probably though that and Martin Luther King probably didn't expect the results of his protests to be quite as big as they were. Women thought they would be stuck as lower class citizens forever until someone gathered up the courage to do something about it. But, using the Russian Revolution as an example again, it won't change. They decided they wanted Communism. A very good idea I think. If it was possible I would support it fully. But human nature is greedy and so it would never work. This was proved by the USSR. Lenin may have managed it if he was given more time but he wasn't. And then Stalin got into power. Because that's how life is. Things don't go our way and they get hard and everything fucks up. We just have to try and make the best of it.
So what is my view? Because I certainly don't know. I know how I would change it if I was in power. I know what I think people should do. But can any one person rule a country? An easy solution would be for every decision to be voted on by the people. But that would take forever. And we can't always get everything we want. So people are going to make mistakes. Knowing what I want isn't the same as knowing how to get it. I guess I'll just have to say that my thing on this is that it's stupid and no-ones ever going to agree. But we aren't finished yet. So maybe we should have some faith in our government. We're still a democracy. We're still a fairly rich country. Only 25% of our population live in poverty. It isn't ideal but it's the best we're going to get.

Open Your Eyes Bitch

In my history room there's a wall with work about the Holocaust. Across it are the words "those who don't study the past are doomed to repeat it". Whilst I'm not going to write about the Holocaust, that phrase is incredibly true right now.
When I began to write to you I had a lot of problems with Marzena. But I think things were fairly OK between Amelie and me. They hadn't always been. So let me give you a quick overview of what happened:
Almost every day Amelie would send me a text having a go at me. Her and Marzena would have been talking about something. And then something Marzena had said would get Amelie all angry at me. At first I didn't see the pattern. I assumed I was awful to put up with if I annoyed her that much. I though I was a rubbish friend and would quite often cut myself because of what happened. Then I went and got a boyfriend, Toby and all of a sudden Amelie was angry at me constantly. She hated him right from the start. For no good reason. OK, he did turn out to be an arsehole but still. Marzena used this to the best of her advantage. She lied to me, telling me something Amelie had said to her. So I got angry at Amelie thinking she had lied, even though she hadn't. I think that was when I started to see what was going on.
There's one argument in particular that I want to talk about. I had arranged to meet up with Toby because I had no other plans and well, he was my boyfriend. Amelie then asked if I wanted to meet up. Now, I will always put my friends before guys. But in a situation where I've already made plans - I don't cancel because I got a better offer. Only bitches do that. Amelie was furious. It was of course all my fault. How dare I make plans when she wanted to meet up? I'm meant to sit around waiting to find out if she wants to do something that day. No-one else can come first.
History lesson over, here are some more recent events.
Amelie introduced me to a guy and we got on. She didn't like that and started slagging him off. Although she now claims he was her best mate. She then stopped being friends with him because of what happened. I refused to let that deter me. We still meet up and we're friends. We had planned to meet up on Saturday just gone. But the day before Amelie asked me if I wanted to see Breaking Dawn with her family. I said I was busy because I wasn't going to cancel on this guy, he's my friend too and I was looking forward to meeting up with him. As I said above, only bitches cancel on someone for a better offer. But I never said why I was busy. I figured it didn't matter. I wouldn't bother saying why if I was out with my family or the girls.
And then last night I got a text from her because by not saying so I was "hiding things" and it "hurt" her. She "feel[s] like [she] can trust no-one and everybody needs somebody to trust". I wasn't hiding things, I just wasn't making a big deal of it. I'm sorry it hurt her but it wasn't intentional. And oh no, what will she do if she can't trust? She's right, everybody needs somebody to trust. But a lot of people don't. Do you see them making a big thing of it? I can't trust anyone. It played a major, major part of my life for a while and filled almost all my thoughts, my diary entries etc etc. But I never said anything about it to the people that hurt me. And now? Now I deal with it. But was she there when I lost my last little bit of faith in the world? Would she have cared if I'd told her? Would she have listened to my side over Marzenas?
"Those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it". My lesson to learn? I will always have to choose between Amelie and a guy. And my lesson from the shit Marzena stirred? Don't trust anyone. Ever. Amelie's lessons to learn? She can't get all the guys all the time, she has a boyfriend and there are other girls in the world. From the other arguments - don't trust anyone blindly. I've looked back and know what's going on. If I have to choose I will go for the one that doesn't ask me to choose. I won't trust anyone either. But Amelie can't learn from what happened. And so the cycle begins again. I'm doing what I can. I held back last night on what I wanted to say. Today I ignored her text rather than argue with it: that may seem bitchy but trust me it's better that way. I'm pushing it to the back of my mind rather than letting it take over my day. I haven't said anything bitchy about her to anyone. But if she starts on me, I can't stop her. If someone lies to her I can't stop them. If she believes those lies, I can't change her mind (even when I try). What more can I do to stop this from happening again? She need to open her eyes! But I can't tell her because then she'll believe anything else I say less, accuse me of being a bitch and hate me straight out. I don't even want her friendship any more, I just want peace.
What the fuck am I doing wrong?

Chapter One, Draft Two

Brietta
Everyone knows where they were the moment their life changed drastically. Such as those Fay who are old enough to remember when the last human king was assassinated 3 millennia ago. That was the day we were freed and began to rule.
But I'm not one of those. I grew up in a village untouched by the Fay that weren't my family. I knew nothing of the outside world, and I never dared hope it would change. That's where I sympathise with the last human king.
I bet that day was normal for him. He was visiting a part of the land that was almost entirely Fay renegades. We were slaves back then. He was trying to strike a deal with them and create peace. In his carriage, on the way to meet the Fay leader, he probably didn't think "they're going to kill me today". He was probably wondering how long it was until lunch and what he would get and what to buy his wife and daughter as a present from this far off, barbaric place that has since become our capital.
And I was the same.The moment before my world changed I was expecting an entire lifetime the same. I was sitting in class, hating and being hated whilst working on the novel I write in my Gaelic book instead of my work. I was writing the revenge scene and allowing my own feelings to creep in.
You see, the town detests my family. For a start they consider us "new". No-one in my family was born here except my brother Lir. And at least 2 generations of a family have to have been here from the moment they were conceived to be considered part of the town. It's utterly pathetic. So the town treated us quite badly. We were the cause of all the problems. We didn't get the same neighbourly charity as the other families. We were outcasts. And Maev was the worst of all. Her father was the village chief so she was very rich. So for my story I used my own fantasy revenge which goes something like this.
"A few years into the future, there would be a drought. All the crops would wither and die. Apart from those on my family's land, which would be kept alive by my brother Lir and his affinity with water. So Maev would be sent to us with the family's best horse as a sign of goodwill - they were considered important animals in my village. They would try to exchange the animals for some crops. As my other brother Miach would be taking the horse round the back and supposedly getting the crops needed, I would have a pleasant girly chat with Maev. Which I would use to convince her to unbraid her hair. So I could set it on fire. Then she would run. And the fire would spread to all the neighbouring houses. And with it being so dry, the whole town would go up in flames within mistakes. Leaving only the animals, who had been smart enough to escape, and my family"
Fays have one power each, hence mine and my brothers part in this fantasy.
Yes, this is the backdrop for the beginning of my life. As I was writing, a boy walked in. A boy I had never seen before, a stranger. There are no strangers here.

Opinions? It obviously gets better and this is just the first draft.

Characterisation: Amy

I've known Amy since I was about 9. She hasn't changed much, just got worse. Unfortunately, she's in my form, my science class, my history class, my maths class, my RE class, my Citizenship class and my French class. Although at least I don't hear from her in the latter.
In form I have to put up with her singing and prancing around in her idiocy. Acting childish I don't mind, I do that too. But showing off by being a total imbecile annoys me. Not to mention, no-one wants to hear her sing.
In history, debates tend to arise and, as in Citizenship, capital punishment has been the subject of a few recently. She is strongly for this cold hearted, barbaric practice. I am strongly against it. I often feel the need to voice my opinion on a subject, and this more than others - maybe in another post - but I do everything I can to keep quiet. She however makes no such effort, forcing her opinions on the rest of us. When I hear her cruel and uncaring words I practically have to bite my tongue to stop it from spilling the torrent of angry thoughts from escaping. She is one of those people that believes only she matters. And because she has to voice her opinion with no care for others who have been waiting to have their say, it irritates everyone else. Despite how pathetic her arguments are, the urge to smash her head into the nearest wall is too overwhelming to make arguing with her possible. But I keep quiet.
In science I don't listen enough to have to hear from her, which is a blessing you can't overestimate.
Until the recent change in seating plan, maths was hell. Every lesson she would end up flirting with the guy next to her. And not just normal flirting but slutty flirting. This is also where I would hear the gossip, including who she's slept with. On the history trip, I heard about her secretly giving some guy a blow job at a party. None of these guys are her boyfriend. But she has one. Has had one for 3 years now I think. She even claims to love him. But that love clearly isn't very strong if she still cheats on him.
She once pretended to go out with Noah, the most unpopular guy in our year. Everyone apart from Noah knew this was a cruel and sick joke. But he wouldn't believe us and she wouldn't listen to the criticisms thrown at her.
But those weren't the only things I had to witness. One day I turned around for a single second, no idea why now, just to see her with her skirt hitched right up, sitting with her legs wide open. I have never wanted to see her underwear and never want to again. I never wanted to listen to her conversations either but they were so loud I had no choice because they were so loud. Yet she was still Miss' favourite.
We finished RE a year early and last year was "religion and life". It was basically about forming an opinion and arguing our point. It's a wonder I got an A. The majority of the lesson time was spent trying to shut out the arguments between her and the other very mouthy student in our class. They were loud enough for the whole class to have been involved. And her bigoted ideas made my blood boil! Now we're doing our "extended project" I don't hear from her as much as before thank the Goddess!
This is a very small window on her personality with no improved traits and only some of the things I am forced to endure. But I hope it's enough to give you a glimpse of what she's like and to assess her character.

Lost In My Own Thoughts

Over half term so much happened. I can't quite figure out where to begin.
In one way, I'm less confused. I know myself a little more. I've gained enough confidence to stand a little taller and feel a little more whole. I've stopped trying to lie to myself, trying to be who I think I should be. And instead of relying on my hopes and fantasies, I'm on my own two feet: getting more cynical by the day. I trust no-one but myself and need no-one but myself. I know what the rest of the world is like and how to combat that. I'm not as innocent as I have been. I think I'm stronger for it.
But on the other hand, all these thoughts are new. I'm thinking things that would have shocked me mere weeks ago with no problem. I'm not really any more confident: I don't like myself any more. I just feel fairly comfortable in the knowledge it's me against the world. And just because I've stopped lying to myself about one thing, what about everything else? How much of what I tell myself is true and how much is what I want to believe? I still try and force myself into being someone else. And I thought I had lost all my fantasies and become cynical before. But I've had a strange awakening. Did I slip into my old habits? Just not to the same extent? Or did I think I'd lost all faith there was in those things? Simply not realising how much faith I had left to lose? Am I a total cynic yet? Or do I have to suffer more pain because of my pathetic faith in lies? Just because I don't trust them, doesn't mean I don't want to. I really do want to trust. And I say I don't need them. By that I mean I can cope without if I have to. I think. I don't want to though. It would be awful to be alone. And again, how do I know how much I'm relying on others? I couldn't cope properly alone. I might try and tell myself it's fine. But deep down I know it's not and that the psychological scarring would last longer than it should. I think I know what the rest of the world is like. But what if I'm still wrong? I've always been against stereotypes and grouping people together. But when humanity as a whole have made me the way I am, why should I trust any of them? Why should I hope it'll be different? And as I've always said as my anti stereotype argument: "how do you know?" I'm not as innocent as I was before, but is that a good thing? It stops me getting hurt I suppose. When did I lose it? I know it started about a year ago. But has it just been a slow process since then as it faded away, occasionally having painful chunks torn away by force? How much is gone? How much do I have to suffer from shit happening that I wouldn't deal with because I couldn't believe it was possible? I'm stronger. Am I really? I'm more wary, yes. I do everything I can to make sure I'm not hurt. I have a stronger grip on my emotions. But that isn't all good. I've seen the confusion not letting myself feel can lead too. The real question is, if history were to repeat itself, could I cope? I don't think I could. And with all this losing faith and not trusting people and trying to make sure that no-one can hurt me, am I just turning into a cold hearted bitch?

I just thought I'd share a few of my thoughts. This is what it's like to live in my head. Except only on one issue. Unfortunately it doesn't get any easier to understand and my thoughts get no less contradictory ....

Freewriting

The sun shines down, bathing us in its loving warmth. I have to go against everything I know to just stand there. I have spent years avoiding it, years in fear. And now, out of nowhere, I was standing it it, enjoying it. I knew this wouldn't work unless I ignored my instincts. Sunlight was vital to what I was about to do.
The blue hurts my eyes with it's brilliance. It's beautiful and brings back happy memories. But the homesickness I used to feel is returning. How can I be happy here when I know what I'm missing. How can I want to be there when there's nothing there for me but pretty scenery. This is my life. I've chosen. I could turn but it's pointless. It would disappoint everyone. And in the long run I don't want to. I an travel, I can see everywhere. But this path does not change. I know what turnings I must take. I just hope I'm not forced down others. It's a long and boring road. All planned out for me, but I've never known if it really is what I want.
But thoughts like these are pointless. It's far better to focus on the now. I can work up my good mood again. I mean, just look at that sunshine and that field. Look for the smile that's waiting for me to pick it up and wear it, my oldest and closest friend. THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM.
Isn't that a song lyric? 30 Seconds to Mars I believe. Yes it's from The Kill. His song. The song that made me cry and smile and contributed to my stupid mixed up emotions. I mustn't think of him when I hear it. It's not his song now. It's a great song and must not be ruined with those painful memories. Although it isn't his fault. He had to do what he did if he valued his life. But the betrayal still hurts far too much for me to forgive him.
Forgiveness. A longish word that's tossed around all the time. They say to error is human, to forgive is divine. But how many people truly forgive and how many just say it? I've sat there before and let go of all my anger, hatred and hurt, forgiving everyone,. I brought my messed up heart and my confused mind to peace. Only to wake up the next morning with nothing but the memory of what it's like. I still hold everything against them. I still hurt from the wounds they left. Have they healed or not? I never do know.
Look at this one, this was caused by a blonde girl. I didn't notice her stab the knife in. It's in my back so I couldn't see and I was focused on the pain of a different wound. But yes, this one has started to heal, it no longer bleeds. But it would take the barest knock to start again and the scar will never fade. And look at this one on my chest. This is the one that preoccupied me. See how deep it it. This one was because someone kicked me in the chest repeatedly even though I wanted their love. It's just a scar now but I'm afraid of others like it. I wear chain mail like the knights of old to protect me against it.
I wish I could show you more, make you understand more but my time is up. I must go and fight against further injury.

Amisha

This is an attempt at writing about charicters so I thought I would start with telling you about my friend Amisha. She's incredibly strange. The first thing that indicates her strageness is her obssesion with split ends. We found out about this in early September this year and it's been an endless source of amusement. If she sees a split end she has to pull it out straight away and enjoys it immensly. Scarlett sits in front of her in maths and whole lessons have gone by where Scarlett won't lean forwards because Amisha is looking through her hair and will pull on it or scream "noooooooooooooooo" if she does move. First of all Ganika picked up the habit, then Scarlett and now even I'm doing it. Although, I'm proud to say, I have no split ends :)
If this yellow fish was Amisha and these bubbles would be split ends, this would be very accurate: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NzPd-xW4YY&feature=related
That's not the only strange hair related thing she's done in maths. The othr day she coloured the tips of mine dark blue (I have very dark hair so it only worked on the ends and even then only the most golden part). I let her at first because it was quite funny. She wants me to dip my entire head in red hair dye, convinced it'll make my hair much nicer and then she can laugh at my red face.
This is the girl who, when we were playing maths games on the computers, started saying "you're doing it wrong! You're going to die now" until said it whenever she came near. And who pretended the computer mouse was a real mouse that was climbing up my leg. I then joined in with the one next to me. We called them Jerry and Mouseatouille and used them for many hours entertainment.
We spent hours discussing the best lines of Pirates of the Carribean and we all love Captain Jack Sparrow! We find him the funniest person on Earth. None of us can wait until the next one and we want to have a sleepover where we watch all 4 of the movies in a row. Maybe dressed as pirates for fun, definately with popcorn. Amisha may have admitted jealousy of Captain Sparrows bandana.
And even though she thinks boys are a waste of air and is totally asexual, she is fascinated by my love life. The other day she spent hours trying to guess who my almost-crush is on, although I flat out lied to her. She says her interest is because she doesn't understand why other people, e.g. me are "obssessed" with guys. Whatever the reason is, it's almost as annoying as her size. She's the skinniest person I've ever met! But, it means I can claim that with her bird like legs she can fit on the end of the table in science where there i a bar under the table and my "fat" legs can't. And no suspicion is aroused, when really I want to sit next to the guy next to her ;)
She's the most talkative person I know and is always getting in trouble in class because she doesn't shut up. Meaning my French teacher, who can't even get her name right, hates her. But it is funny when she gets her name wrong. I would love to share the names with you but for that to be understood I would have to give away her real name which I am NOT doing.
When I was saying what our friends would be like as teachers for a joke, picking on all their worst points, I said that she would end up stopping the lesson to search her students hair for split ends. She'd stop her own funeral to take out the split ends of whoever does a Hindu funeral.
This girl loves being difficult and hates the skankiest guy in school who is very needy and has latched onto us, Noah, and spiders, she's one of those that kills them :s even though she's vegitarian and believes everyone else, including animals like lions, tigers etc should be.
When I asked her what her best memory was, in the hope of a good story, she simply said our conversations from lunch times. Which is annoying. The main "story" I can produce is her past, and about her dad. But Amisha's post was meant to be lighthearted and hopefully, but probably not, entertain you as much as she entertains us. So no sobstories ...

Smiling

I would like you to ignore the depressing tone of Mondays post. I gave up being mute, determined to find a way to destroy my vocal cords at some point. Now, I don't want to.
I walked part of the way home with Gabriel Monday after school and came home really cheerful. The post was a diary entry from the day before and I'd said I'd post it, it tells a bit about my life and who I am. But it's all changed.
When I came home all cheerful, I decided I like being cheerful and don;t need to be so miserable all the time. So I decided to just keep smiling. Because your brain thinks that if you're smiling, you must be happy and so you feel happier. So I've kept on smiling ever since and feel wonderful because of it.
I'm happier constantly, the world is brighter, everything's better, bad things aren't a problem, I have more fun, my brain works better. And my self confidence has been drastically improved. Eva even commented on it today because it's actually visible.
My life isn't perfect. I'm not perfect. But you know what? I don't give a shit. I have so much that is good, I have a loving family and a home and I don't go hungry and I can write and I have seen and done so many wonderful things. "I'll never be rich and I'll never look perfect, I don't care it's who I am" (Madina Lake, Hey Superstar).
I can see the best of any situation and I can look at myself and think "I don't like my nose/inability to draw/impatience but I do like my hair/writing talent/kindness" as an example.
And I am actually more patient with people because they don't annoy me so much so I'm being nicer to everyone. It's doing wonders for my karma. Just smiling does so much. Thank you Gabriel for making me see this (albeit indirectly).

Being Mute

I hate my voice. I hate every single thing sound it makes. I hate its pitch. I hate its volume. I hate its - everything. At this moment in time all I want is to never hear it again. Is that too much to ask??!
Dad is utterly selfish and has decided that because he spends so little time with me I must talk to him constantly. I don't have that much to say normally. Let alone when I never want to speak again! And I can't even talk quietly because he's stupidly deaf!
The rest of my family don't have a clue. So I have to talk to them as well.
My friends are constantly trying to convince me to talk and so are the others at school. They. Just. Don't. Get. It.
The teachers, like my family, couldn't even be approached  with the idea of me not talking. It's the same at work. Even random strangers expect me to talk!
Why is it so inconceivable that a 15 year old girl would one day decide not to talk?? It's not like anyone on the internet is even remotely helpful either!! If you look up ways to destroy your vocal cords, you get lots of people wanting to and loads of others saying "why would you want to do that?" and having a go at the people! The only way I can find is surgery. AT 15 I CAN'T AFFORD THAT!!!!
No-one, absolutely no-one seems to understand voluntary muteness and no-one will help you find out how to become a physical mute. It's ridiculous! Why is the whole world so against it? It's OUR voice and OUR choice! Thousand of people have died so that we have the free will to make these kinds of choices. But does anyone respect them? No! Why shouldn't we get a say in whether or not we have to hear OUR OWN voices?

I Wish

There are many ways that making a wish is meant to come true. On shooting stars, pennies in fountains, 10 past 10 on the 10th day of the 10th month 2010, wishbones, prayer, those dandelion things etc etc. I've tried most of these. It never came true. So I have given up believing. Actually I gave up believing a long time ago. But I still wish, just in an offhand way. I never mean it and never expect it to come true. So these aren't wishes as such. More fantasies merely phrased as wishes.
I wish I could get 100% in all my GCSE exams this year and therefore get A*s for everything. I wish I could be the smartest in the year and live up to all dads expectations. I wish I could focus in class and work hard without getting so distracted. I wish I could take an interest in all of my subjects.
I wish I could like myself better. I wish my hair was longer and darker. I wish I looked like Amy Lee. I wish I had a smaller waist and thinner legs. I wish my eyes were a prettier colour. I wish girls would look at me and be as jealous of me as I am of them. I wish I didn't get jealous and/or angry as easily and as often as I do. I wish I was a nicer person. I wish I didn't cringe at the sound of my own voice. I wish I was more patient. I wish I could have the strength to follow my wishes rather than those of my dad. I wish I was a gentler person, or unafraid to rebel like I want to so much. I wish every single aspect of my personality and looks would improve a hundredfold.
I wish I could take back all the stupid things I've said. I wish I could remember to think before speaking. I wish I could produce witty comebacks, funny jokes and pithy insults on the spot.
I wish I had the talent to become a best selling author. I wish I could sing. I wish I could play guitar. I wish that in a fight, if it came to it I could kick arse. I wish I could run at vampiric speed. I wish I had psychic powers.
I wish I will get into a good sixth form and then a brilliant (foreign) university. I wish I will work for RockSound as my day job but write stories on the side that publishers will have no delay in publishing because they're so fantastic that the public needs them ASAP. I wish I will live my life in Sweden.
I wish I had friends over in this town that I could trust. I wish that I was more self confident. I wish people wouldn't try to walk over me or treat me like shit. I wish I was good enough for my family to be proud of. I wish that I didn't have such high walls between me and the world. I wish I didn't feel the instinctual need to hole away in my room rather than socialising, so I can't get hurt and then getting jealous of those that go out. I wish I was friends with the people I will never gather the confidence to talk to.
If I'm perfectly honest, I wish I was someone else.
Most of these wishes are impossible. But I suppose it can't hurt to write them down. Then I can look at what I want from life and try to achieve the more realistic of them. And attempt to forget the impossible. I think that writing down your wishes every so often can help make your life better because it reminds you of where your heading. And this is the life I'm working towards (somehow).

Parents Evening :s

It's parents evening on Wednesday (today being Monday) and I'm slightly afraid. I haven't been as good as I could have been. Whilst I've improved in English, my teacher doesn't care and seems to like picking on me. My French teacher loves me and I pay attention in her lesson (or so she thinks. Really I'm eating). So it should be all good from her. My history teacher likes me and I was top of the class last year and only let myself down in the actual exam by only getting an A while total nerds were getting full marks. I still come out with very good points in class although I don't get a chance to say them that often because I'm very patient whilst a certain person in her class always feels the need to shout out her opinion over everyone elses.
In Chemistry I once got caught passing notes and miss found pages of them. I am still counting my lucky stars that she didn't read them! One part was a rather unflattering bit about my other science teacher. I also sit next to someone who's very talkative. Sometimes I give in to temptation at the worst of times ...
In biology I am one of the 95% of the class that doesn't listen because our teacher is so boring. But I'm not sure he has noticed that. So long as I provide the right answers it's all OK.
My geography teacher is new and I've been relatively quiet in his lessons so he can't have anything bad to report about me. Unless he mentions about that last mock exam if I didn't do very well on it (which I don't know yet).
My subject I'm most worried about is maths. Today I got the idea for a hate poem - not based on anyone. Just an attempt to write one. Miss caught me and read it. She asked who it was and I told her the truth but she didn't seem convinced. I promised not to do it again. But she has also caught me and my friends playing word association in class. And my work probably isn't the greatest.
This doesn't sound too bad. Except I had a gigantic argument with my dad the other day and education is his biggest priority for my life. He's always whinging at me that I'm not doing well enough and always giving me the same useless, unwanted advice over and over again. I got bad feedback once in year 2 from parents evening. There's a reason I've never done it again. If I get it bad this year, I don't want to see him until I've finished all my exams! Then he won't be able to tell me off about them. I'm terrified of not being enough. And that poem may have mentioned killing people. Miss really wasn't impressed. Fingers crossed that all goes smoothly ....

Me

I got a message from a random person who had discovered my e-mail address through here. From what they saw on here they decided I'm a teenage girl who's a bit rude judging by my use of language in my description bit. So I thought that to avoid any confusion, I would explain some things about me.
1. I seem to have some very bad anger problems. Sometimes I get so angry I scare myself. I have, in the past, genuinely wanted to make someones life so miserable they commit suicide. That was the scariest moment of my life. I know I should get some sort of help but I have my reasons for not doing so. So my blog is, mostly a way to vent. This causes some strong language - and not just swearing. Compared to what's in my head though, this is all very mild. I don't know any words to describe or satisfy the rage that sometimes possesses me.
2. I don't have a clue who I am. I don't understand the mental, emotional and physical changes to me over the past - however long it's been. I don't understand other people. I don't understand the world. I don't understand anything that happens anymore. This confusion, if allowed to be noticed and therefore overwhelm me, leads to tears and/or anger. I prefer anger. Hence the apparently offensive comment about "[figuring] out what the fuck is going on".
3. I seem to have a lack of communication between my brain and my mouth. I can talk but I never say what I mean. I never manage to find the right words, I can't think fast enough and I can't make myself understood. And so, over the years, I have turned more and more to writing - mainly my diary and creative writing. And I've discovered that apart from my spelling, when I write words don't abandon me like they do when I talk, they work with me in a way that continues to amaze me. This is why in my blog I am a lot more honest and upfront than I am in real life, I can be more myself. Especially with the added benefit of doing this so that no-one I meet in real life will find me (I really hope)
4. I don't actually have anyone I can trust. Every time I begin to trust someone, I find out I can't trust them or they disappear from my life due to various circumstances. I keep going to trust people. Just with small details. Things that won't make a difference. And those little things slowly get bigger. Simply because I want to trust. And now I recognise that, I can cut myself off before I cause any major damage. But there isn't anyone in my life that I can talk to about anything. Which means that with my diary and my blog, I'm trusting paper/strangers. Because that's all I've got.
5. I have many contradicting personality traits. So whatever you think I am like, that is only one side to me. There is so much more than that. This is why I'm so confused about who I am. Even when I'm being completely and utterly honest, unless I wrote down every thought, you would never truly understand me. You still only get a fragment of my personality.
6. I'm 15 years old and have grown up in Harlow. You're lucky I'm as polite, well mannered, calm, kind and non-sluttish as I am.
7. I'm actually in quite a bad mood right now (thanks to the whole trust thing). So my responses to that shall be left unsaid in order to not prove their point.