I Hate People

By "people" I don't mean my friends and family. Love you all. I don't mean the people I've never met either. So I guess the title's a lie. But right now I don't care. I just want to give it all up. I'm sick of fighting all the bad things and trying to find the good. I'm sick of feeling like I have to keep a smile on my face and knowing it won't work, that I can't fake it. I'm sick of agonising hours where I just want to cut myself but I can't. i'm sick of the people who make things more difficult.
Today I was asked of I still see Tyler. I haven't seen him since before the New Year. I texted him 3 fucking times.That was all. 3 fucking conversations. They made me so happy, so hopeful. And then Amelie decided she was going to mess it up. I haven't heard from him since. And I've accepted that I never will. I've stopped seeing it as a loss. It's what is meant to be. But still. She ruined anything that remained. So when I'm told, after being asked the above question, that she still cares about me I react badly. "How about you go slit your wrists again?" That is NOT what you say to someone you care about. I wonder if she realises the truth of what ended our friendship. Because the fact that Tyler was mentioned first suggests she still believes it was because of him.
In some ways, I blame him. Sometimes I need to blame someone because otherwise - well I don't want to think about why it happened if it isn't his fault. But when he entered my life, it shook up everything I knew. I needed that I guess but that doesn't mean I like it. I like to blame him for the changes in me. I like to blame him for me sinking back into depression, possibly further than before. I like to blame him for my suicidal thoughts. I like to blame him for the rest of the world suddenly becoming real and adult and scary and even more confusing than before. It feels like I'm standing on the smallest floor known to humankind, barely a stepping stone. It's in the middle of space. And that space is spinning around me, images of familiar people and things distorted beyond anything I recognise. I know I can't stay here and I need to find another stepping stone because this one is crubling. And I can't go back to how it was. But I can't see the next bit or even what's going on now because it's spinning to fast for me to figure anything out. Or maybe I'm spinning to fast to make it out and the world is perfectly still and simple and normal. It's felt like that for a while even if I haven't acknowledged it. But now it's worse, the spinning is faster. And for that I like to blame Tyler. But it's not his fault at all.
And the one thing I really can't blame him for is the end of my friendship with Amelie. This was her fault. This is because of what she said. This is because she is a fucked up selfish bitch. She lied about saying it. And she has never once made an attempt to contact me, not even to apologise. If she had, I wouldn't forgive her but I would consider it. Now, after all this time, I wouldn't. If she gave me an apology I'd tell her to stick it up her fucking arse. And Eva had better be lying about her saying she cares about me. Because if Amelie had the guts to say that, I'd be only too happy to cook those guts and feed them to vultures out in the desert. She isn't the only one who hides her worse side.
I never said this of course. I just said "she should have thought of that before" and walked away. It ruined my mood. I had been so happy, enjoying the sun because it pushes away the depression.
And now, I just want to give up. I want an easy option and I want people to stop hating and I want to stop hurting. I want to create a little bubble, crawl inside it and stay there preotected. An unpoppable bubble that shuts out all the nasty things in life.
I can't do that. But I can give up, just give up on life, on all of it. It's so tempting. But I can't. I have to be strong. I don't know why. I don't see the point. I'm tired of trying to be strong. I'm tired of trying to do what's right. I'm tired of trying to think my way through situations way out of my control. I'm tired of feeling like I've done those but then criticising myself. Telling myself I'm stupid and selfish and don't know what it's like to really hurt. That everyone else is far worse off than me and yet their coping, so I must be a total wuss. The self hatred is what I'm tired of the most. Nothing I do will ever be good enough as far as that spiteful part of my mind is concerned. It tells me to give up, that it's better if I do. But then it makes me feel like I'm pathetic and awful for just daring to even think of giving up.