Lost In My Own Thoughts

Over half term so much happened. I can't quite figure out where to begin.
In one way, I'm less confused. I know myself a little more. I've gained enough confidence to stand a little taller and feel a little more whole. I've stopped trying to lie to myself, trying to be who I think I should be. And instead of relying on my hopes and fantasies, I'm on my own two feet: getting more cynical by the day. I trust no-one but myself and need no-one but myself. I know what the rest of the world is like and how to combat that. I'm not as innocent as I have been. I think I'm stronger for it.
But on the other hand, all these thoughts are new. I'm thinking things that would have shocked me mere weeks ago with no problem. I'm not really any more confident: I don't like myself any more. I just feel fairly comfortable in the knowledge it's me against the world. And just because I've stopped lying to myself about one thing, what about everything else? How much of what I tell myself is true and how much is what I want to believe? I still try and force myself into being someone else. And I thought I had lost all my fantasies and become cynical before. But I've had a strange awakening. Did I slip into my old habits? Just not to the same extent? Or did I think I'd lost all faith there was in those things? Simply not realising how much faith I had left to lose? Am I a total cynic yet? Or do I have to suffer more pain because of my pathetic faith in lies? Just because I don't trust them, doesn't mean I don't want to. I really do want to trust. And I say I don't need them. By that I mean I can cope without if I have to. I think. I don't want to though. It would be awful to be alone. And again, how do I know how much I'm relying on others? I couldn't cope properly alone. I might try and tell myself it's fine. But deep down I know it's not and that the psychological scarring would last longer than it should. I think I know what the rest of the world is like. But what if I'm still wrong? I've always been against stereotypes and grouping people together. But when humanity as a whole have made me the way I am, why should I trust any of them? Why should I hope it'll be different? And as I've always said as my anti stereotype argument: "how do you know?" I'm not as innocent as I was before, but is that a good thing? It stops me getting hurt I suppose. When did I lose it? I know it started about a year ago. But has it just been a slow process since then as it faded away, occasionally having painful chunks torn away by force? How much is gone? How much do I have to suffer from shit happening that I wouldn't deal with because I couldn't believe it was possible? I'm stronger. Am I really? I'm more wary, yes. I do everything I can to make sure I'm not hurt. I have a stronger grip on my emotions. But that isn't all good. I've seen the confusion not letting myself feel can lead too. The real question is, if history were to repeat itself, could I cope? I don't think I could. And with all this losing faith and not trusting people and trying to make sure that no-one can hurt me, am I just turning into a cold hearted bitch?

I just thought I'd share a few of my thoughts. This is what it's like to live in my head. Except only on one issue. Unfortunately it doesn't get any easier to understand and my thoughts get no less contradictory ....