Dear Tyler

Dear Tyler,
I know you'll never read this but I want to thank you! I spent so long hurt over everything you'd done and everything I'd done. For once in my life I can acknowledge that I messed up without completely blaming myself. We both made mistakes and I've regretted them again and again. I've been angry at you and hated you. I've wanted to hurt you as badly as you hurt me. I've wanted you back. I've wanted to just know the truth. I've wanted you to never have existed. And the truth is, you have caused me loads of pain and confusion but I don't blame you for it.
I still feel bad that you had to put up with me the way I was and I apologise for every one of my faults. However that is not why I'm writing this.
What I really want to say is thank you. Thank you so, so much. It took some time but you made me realise just how messed up my mind is. You made me see everything that's wrong with it. You made me realise all my problems. I had buried who I really was so deep, I thought she was dead. But no, she's here now. Awake and alive. I'm finally healing after all the problems over the past year and a bit. I know it's not over, it isn't all happy endings from here. But now I know how to deal with it a little bit better. I'm finally somewhere close to being happy. It's so unfamiliar I'm not even sure how true it is. But for once, I really am happy. Not the happiness I faked a few months ago, where I just smiled and that made me happy. No, this is a real happiness, deeper than that because I've sorted myself out.
Thank you for showing me all of my weaknesses. Thank you for confusing me so much I was forced to actually look into my own mind and see all the poison that had built up. Thank you for adding to it until I could no longer ignore it.
Blessed be,
Jezabel