Freewriting

The sun shines down, bathing us in its loving warmth. I have to go against everything I know to just stand there. I have spent years avoiding it, years in fear. And now, out of nowhere, I was standing it it, enjoying it. I knew this wouldn't work unless I ignored my instincts. Sunlight was vital to what I was about to do.
The blue hurts my eyes with it's brilliance. It's beautiful and brings back happy memories. But the homesickness I used to feel is returning. How can I be happy here when I know what I'm missing. How can I want to be there when there's nothing there for me but pretty scenery. This is my life. I've chosen. I could turn but it's pointless. It would disappoint everyone. And in the long run I don't want to. I an travel, I can see everywhere. But this path does not change. I know what turnings I must take. I just hope I'm not forced down others. It's a long and boring road. All planned out for me, but I've never known if it really is what I want.
But thoughts like these are pointless. It's far better to focus on the now. I can work up my good mood again. I mean, just look at that sunshine and that field. Look for the smile that's waiting for me to pick it up and wear it, my oldest and closest friend. THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM.
Isn't that a song lyric? 30 Seconds to Mars I believe. Yes it's from The Kill. His song. The song that made me cry and smile and contributed to my stupid mixed up emotions. I mustn't think of him when I hear it. It's not his song now. It's a great song and must not be ruined with those painful memories. Although it isn't his fault. He had to do what he did if he valued his life. But the betrayal still hurts far too much for me to forgive him.
Forgiveness. A longish word that's tossed around all the time. They say to error is human, to forgive is divine. But how many people truly forgive and how many just say it? I've sat there before and let go of all my anger, hatred and hurt, forgiving everyone,. I brought my messed up heart and my confused mind to peace. Only to wake up the next morning with nothing but the memory of what it's like. I still hold everything against them. I still hurt from the wounds they left. Have they healed or not? I never do know.
Look at this one, this was caused by a blonde girl. I didn't notice her stab the knife in. It's in my back so I couldn't see and I was focused on the pain of a different wound. But yes, this one has started to heal, it no longer bleeds. But it would take the barest knock to start again and the scar will never fade. And look at this one on my chest. This is the one that preoccupied me. See how deep it it. This one was because someone kicked me in the chest repeatedly even though I wanted their love. It's just a scar now but I'm afraid of others like it. I wear chain mail like the knights of old to protect me against it.
I wish I could show you more, make you understand more but my time is up. I must go and fight against further injury.