In my history room there's a wall with work about the Holocaust. Across it are the words "those who don't study the past are doomed to repeat it". Whilst I'm not going to write about the Holocaust, that phrase is incredibly true right now.
When I began to write to you I had a lot of problems with Marzena. But I think things were fairly OK between Amelie and me. They hadn't always been. So let me give you a quick overview of what happened:
Almost every day Amelie would send me a text having a go at me. Her and Marzena would have been talking about something. And then something Marzena had said would get Amelie all angry at me. At first I didn't see the pattern. I assumed I was awful to put up with if I annoyed her that much. I though I was a rubbish friend and would quite often cut myself because of what happened. Then I went and got a boyfriend, Toby and all of a sudden Amelie was angry at me constantly. She hated him right from the start. For no good reason. OK, he did turn out to be an arsehole but still. Marzena used this to the best of her advantage. She lied to me, telling me something Amelie had said to her. So I got angry at Amelie thinking she had lied, even though she hadn't. I think that was when I started to see what was going on.
There's one argument in particular that I want to talk about. I had arranged to meet up with Toby because I had no other plans and well, he was my boyfriend. Amelie then asked if I wanted to meet up. Now, I will always put my friends before guys. But in a situation where I've already made plans - I don't cancel because I got a better offer. Only bitches do that. Amelie was furious. It was of course all my fault. How dare I make plans when she wanted to meet up? I'm meant to sit around waiting to find out if she wants to do something that day. No-one else can come first.
History lesson over, here are some more recent events.
Amelie introduced me to a guy and we got on. She didn't like that and started slagging him off. Although she now claims he was her best mate. She then stopped being friends with him because of what happened. I refused to let that deter me. We still meet up and we're friends. We had planned to meet up on Saturday just gone. But the day before Amelie asked me if I wanted to see Breaking Dawn with her family. I said I was busy because I wasn't going to cancel on this guy, he's my friend too and I was looking forward to meeting up with him. As I said above, only bitches cancel on someone for a better offer. But I never said why I was busy. I figured it didn't matter. I wouldn't bother saying why if I was out with my family or the girls.
And then last night I got a text from her because by not saying so I was "hiding things" and it "hurt" her. She "feel[s] like [she] can trust no-one and everybody needs somebody to trust". I wasn't hiding things, I just wasn't making a big deal of it. I'm sorry it hurt her but it wasn't intentional. And oh no, what will she do if she can't trust? She's right, everybody needs somebody to trust. But a lot of people don't. Do you see them making a big thing of it? I can't trust anyone. It played a major, major part of my life for a while and filled almost all my thoughts, my diary entries etc etc. But I never said anything about it to the people that hurt me. And now? Now I deal with it. But was she there when I lost my last little bit of faith in the world? Would she have cared if I'd told her? Would she have listened to my side over Marzenas?
"Those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it". My lesson to learn? I will always have to choose between Amelie and a guy. And my lesson from the shit Marzena stirred? Don't trust anyone. Ever. Amelie's lessons to learn? She can't get all the guys all the time, she has a boyfriend and there are other girls in the world. From the other arguments - don't trust anyone blindly. I've looked back and know what's going on. If I have to choose I will go for the one that doesn't ask me to choose. I won't trust anyone either. But Amelie can't learn from what happened. And so the cycle begins again. I'm doing what I can. I held back last night on what I wanted to say. Today I ignored her text rather than argue with it: that may seem bitchy but trust me it's better that way. I'm pushing it to the back of my mind rather than letting it take over my day. I haven't said anything bitchy about her to anyone. But if she starts on me, I can't stop her. If someone lies to her I can't stop them. If she believes those lies, I can't change her mind (even when I try). What more can I do to stop this from happening again? She need to open her eyes! But I can't tell her because then she'll believe anything else I say less, accuse me of being a bitch and hate me straight out. I don't even want her friendship any more, I just want peace.
What the fuck am I doing wrong?
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