Tyler

I don't know why I'm mentioning him yet again, but I just can't seem to get over him. I miss him more each day. I've spoken to him a couple of times since we stopped being what we were. The first time it was because he had heard that I'd said I never felt anything for him. Weirdly enough, I had wished he would hear it and that it would hurt him as much as he hurt me. But when it came to it, I found myself telling the truth: that I'd said it to make myself believe it. Somehow he always manages to get the truth out of me. By the end it got more friendly. And some of the things he said meant so much to me, even if they were all in past tense.
The second time, he just wanted to talk. Although the conversation didn't last long. When I asked "how's life?", he told me it was "decaying". Part of me was just begging for him to tell me it was because he missed me and couldn't cope without me etc, etc. But then I reminded myself that I was being stupid and selfish. I'm not good enough for him. What I really want is for him to be happy. That's the unselfish thing to want, the better thing. He never answered me about it though and I can only guess what he meant.
The third time was last night. He told me about this girl he saw who looked "f-ing awesome" and he thought it was me. I asked if he liked her and he said she was "f-ing hot" but he doubted he'd ever see her again. So I told him that if he did, I hoped she was fucking amazing. Because he deserves nothing less, but I didn't tell him that part. He told me that "at the moment there's no-one better than you". I know what I want that to mean. But I'm afraid to hope.
And, if he did like me, I wouldn't know what to do. Because I want him back so, so badly. But he deserves so much better and I don't want to stop him finding that. And I'm afraid of how my friends will react. Which is stupid but I don't need the drama they'll bring. If life was a film, he'd make me realise that I am good enough for him and all my friends would be very supportive and not cause any problems at all. Life isn't a film though. And I keep hoping that he'll turn round and say he likes me. But what I really need is to know what to do. I don't trust myself to make the right decision any more. I just need an answer ....