I suppose that it would come as no shock to you that I am, once again, confused. There's this guy called Tyler. I was going to tell you all about him before but then things went wrong. I decided I wouldn't use a name for him because he wasn't part of my life anymore and so I would never mention him again. He's the "friend" I talk about in Judging. He's the reason I wrote Why I Hate Guys. He's the guy I write about in Amelie and the reason I fought with Amelie in Open Your Eyes Bitch. As hard as I tried to put him out of my mind, I couldn't do it. Especially when I started to think of all the good things about him instead of the bad.
But I did SO well. Even though I mentioned him fairly recently, he meant no more to me than Toby. I barely thought of him. He wasn't in my daydreams. I didn't fall asleep with him still in my mind. This was a huge, huge improvement.
And then it was ruined. Eva came into school today and told me a conversation she'd had with Tyler. Apparently, he did still want me. Apparently he just lost my number. And I don't know what to think. Part of me is begging this to be true. That part of me isn't over him, it wants to be loved again. That's the part of me that remembers all the good things. Another part of me thinks it doesn't matter because there's no way it's true. So I should ignore any feelings and get on with my life. Then a third part of me doesn't care if it's true. That parts just trying to defend me, to stop me getting hurt. It knows that if it is true, I'll fall for him again and it isn't worth it. That part of me can imagine the pain I'll have to go through.
The part of me that wants him back is the part that is the most determined to get it's own way. Even though the part that doubts the truth of the situation is the part that's probably right and which I should listen to, at least for now. And the third part is equally as right and the part I have to keep no matter what happens.
I wish I just knew what's going on. I wish I could make my mind up about my own feelings let alone what's going on. And now all the progress I'd made is totally reversed.
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Monday, 30 January 2012
Judging
I decide whether or not I like someone based on how they treat people. Not just their friends, but the people they don't know and people like waiters and shop workers that are working for them. I accept people regardless of skin colour, race, religion, sexuality etc, as I have stated before. I also accept people with problems. A lot of people will see that someone drinks a lot or self harms or has voices and will make assumptions about the person. Me? No. I will accept any faults so long as you are still a nice person. That's all that really matters to me.
I treat these people with the respect they deserve as children of the Goddess. I treat them badly only when I have reason to. I would appreciate the same in return.
I suppose this is aimed at one person in particular. Who has no right to judge me. I don't know why I should have to justify myself but never mind. I guess I just don't like people to get the wrong impression.
Half of what I say comes across wrong. People seem to take joy in misinterpreting what I say until it has another meaning altogether. I am a fairly innocent person and maybe people should stop listening to my words and focus on my tone of voice. That will probably reveal more of my meaning. Over the Internet however, that is impossible. Instead, stop trying to read into everything I say. Stop trying to guess all the hidden meanings. You'll get it wrong.
You seem to have judged me on the fact that the first time I got drunk I was 14 and that I've gone further with a guy than you think I should have at 15. But both of those were a result of my depression and therefore I was not making the decisions with a decent mindset. I would also like to point out where I grew up. Here, most girls start drinking at about 11. They lose their virginity at 13 and then change their boyfriends every two weeks, sleeping with every single one of them. Those who do manage to have a long term relationship, cheat on their boyfriends regularly. And orange skin is considered normal. I stick with my natural skin colour. I only got drunk the once, although what I said may not have indicated that. And it was perfectly legal in the country I was in. I never even kissed a guy before I was 14 and haven't gone all the way. I won't until I'm legal and even then it'll be a while. I've had one boyfriend in my entire life and one "friend". No they weren't at the same time, no matter what you seem to think. I didn't even meet the "friend" until 8 months after I dumped my ex boyfriend. Neither of them lasted long but that's because they both lost interest in me. Again, my depression probably pushed them away. I have never cheated on anyone and never will.
I would also like to point out that if I hadn't got drunk that time I would never have kissed the guy I then went out with. I would never have then gone out with him. I would never have quit self harming the first time around. I wouldn't have realised yet that the only guys interested in me are the ones who think they can use me. I would never have discovered how to shut my emotions off. I would have been in a far worse place than I am today. Perhaps I wouldn't have calmed my curiosity about alcohol and drugs, both of which I was convinced would help me feel better.
What happened between me and my "friend" is nothing to do with you. But I will admit that yes, I did do more than I should. My logical mind didn't want to but he made it so hard to say no. I told you that he took advantage of the fact I was emotionally vulnerable at the time. And you said that you know a lot of guys who do that and that you "can't blame him". You said that "girls are so easy to get it isn't even funny". So if you know how easily we're convinced, how often we're used, why do you then blame us for responding to it?
I could say a lot about you that I could turn into something awful. But I accepted that without even considering. Because that's the type of person I am. I didn't judge you. Why are you judging me?
When you said that "[you] guess [you're] a proper Australian apart from [your] skin colour", I was pretty shocked. You told me that you respect me for my belief that skin colour doesn't matter and that if you've lived in a country your whole life then in my view, that is your country. So why all of a sudden have you taken the view that you're so much better than me?
I treat these people with the respect they deserve as children of the Goddess. I treat them badly only when I have reason to. I would appreciate the same in return.
I suppose this is aimed at one person in particular. Who has no right to judge me. I don't know why I should have to justify myself but never mind. I guess I just don't like people to get the wrong impression.
Half of what I say comes across wrong. People seem to take joy in misinterpreting what I say until it has another meaning altogether. I am a fairly innocent person and maybe people should stop listening to my words and focus on my tone of voice. That will probably reveal more of my meaning. Over the Internet however, that is impossible. Instead, stop trying to read into everything I say. Stop trying to guess all the hidden meanings. You'll get it wrong.
You seem to have judged me on the fact that the first time I got drunk I was 14 and that I've gone further with a guy than you think I should have at 15. But both of those were a result of my depression and therefore I was not making the decisions with a decent mindset. I would also like to point out where I grew up. Here, most girls start drinking at about 11. They lose their virginity at 13 and then change their boyfriends every two weeks, sleeping with every single one of them. Those who do manage to have a long term relationship, cheat on their boyfriends regularly. And orange skin is considered normal. I stick with my natural skin colour. I only got drunk the once, although what I said may not have indicated that. And it was perfectly legal in the country I was in. I never even kissed a guy before I was 14 and haven't gone all the way. I won't until I'm legal and even then it'll be a while. I've had one boyfriend in my entire life and one "friend". No they weren't at the same time, no matter what you seem to think. I didn't even meet the "friend" until 8 months after I dumped my ex boyfriend. Neither of them lasted long but that's because they both lost interest in me. Again, my depression probably pushed them away. I have never cheated on anyone and never will.
I would also like to point out that if I hadn't got drunk that time I would never have kissed the guy I then went out with. I would never have then gone out with him. I would never have quit self harming the first time around. I wouldn't have realised yet that the only guys interested in me are the ones who think they can use me. I would never have discovered how to shut my emotions off. I would have been in a far worse place than I am today. Perhaps I wouldn't have calmed my curiosity about alcohol and drugs, both of which I was convinced would help me feel better.
What happened between me and my "friend" is nothing to do with you. But I will admit that yes, I did do more than I should. My logical mind didn't want to but he made it so hard to say no. I told you that he took advantage of the fact I was emotionally vulnerable at the time. And you said that you know a lot of guys who do that and that you "can't blame him". You said that "girls are so easy to get it isn't even funny". So if you know how easily we're convinced, how often we're used, why do you then blame us for responding to it?
I could say a lot about you that I could turn into something awful. But I accepted that without even considering. Because that's the type of person I am. I didn't judge you. Why are you judging me?
When you said that "[you] guess [you're] a proper Australian apart from [your] skin colour", I was pretty shocked. You told me that you respect me for my belief that skin colour doesn't matter and that if you've lived in a country your whole life then in my view, that is your country. So why all of a sudden have you taken the view that you're so much better than me?
Friday, 20 January 2012
Prejudice
I was talking to a guy at school the other day and for some reason the conversation ended up with him explaining to me why he hates gay people so much. He grew up in the north of London and apparently, tolerance isn't particularly important there. He said about people actively encouraging their children to hate and abuse gay people.
Naturally, anyone with any kind of heart or conscience feels sorry for the people that are hurt by this. But do we see the whole picture? It isn't just the hated that hurt. They, however, cannot change their situation really. If people see prejudice and intolerance from an early age, they won't know anything else. So the people that hate are the ones that need to learn how to love.
They won't do that because they suddenly feel a need to become more compassionate and accepting. Many people won't change at all. And personally, I have equal sympathy for them as for the people that they hurt. How can you be complete when you're like that? How can a parent inflict such things on another generation? How can they encourage their children to deny part of themselves? To have such a belief, to think that it is wrong to be gay, or straight, or black, or white, or from Africa or Europe of Asia or America or Oceania or to be a Catholic or Muslim or Jew or Hindu or anything else, is to deny an important part of you. We are all human and why should we hate based on such small things? We aren't meant to be put into boxes where we can be judged. Hatred is born from anger or ignorance. Anger we can't fight but we can turn productive. Ignorance needs to be wiped out. I've hated too in the past. But now, when I've let it all go, I feel a better person for it. And I'm more at peace with myself too.
I don't know why it hurts to hate other people. But it does. And even if for no other reason, if you have some kind of prejudice, let it go for your own sake. Learn to love so that you can love yourself and be complete within your own mind.
Naturally, anyone with any kind of heart or conscience feels sorry for the people that are hurt by this. But do we see the whole picture? It isn't just the hated that hurt. They, however, cannot change their situation really. If people see prejudice and intolerance from an early age, they won't know anything else. So the people that hate are the ones that need to learn how to love.
They won't do that because they suddenly feel a need to become more compassionate and accepting. Many people won't change at all. And personally, I have equal sympathy for them as for the people that they hurt. How can you be complete when you're like that? How can a parent inflict such things on another generation? How can they encourage their children to deny part of themselves? To have such a belief, to think that it is wrong to be gay, or straight, or black, or white, or from Africa or Europe of Asia or America or Oceania or to be a Catholic or Muslim or Jew or Hindu or anything else, is to deny an important part of you. We are all human and why should we hate based on such small things? We aren't meant to be put into boxes where we can be judged. Hatred is born from anger or ignorance. Anger we can't fight but we can turn productive. Ignorance needs to be wiped out. I've hated too in the past. But now, when I've let it all go, I feel a better person for it. And I'm more at peace with myself too.
I don't know why it hurts to hate other people. But it does. And even if for no other reason, if you have some kind of prejudice, let it go for your own sake. Learn to love so that you can love yourself and be complete within your own mind.
Sunday, 15 January 2012
New Years Resolutions
I meant to write this a while ago but completely forgot. Most people make New Years resolutions but we hardly ever keep them. Last year mine was to keep breathing. I kept it. This year I've made a more ambitious resolution. But can you imagine what life would be like if we could just make the resolutions and that alone would make them happen? If that was the case, these would be mine:
- Stop being depressed
- Become thin
- Finish my story
- Be a better Wiccan
- Fall for a guy who genuinely cares about me
- Develop psychic powers
- Get A*s in all my exams
- Learn to play guitar
- Learn to punch hard enough to defend myself in necessary, or at least for when I lose my temper at the next arsehole who tries to use me
- Figure out who my real friends are
- Grow to a C cup bra size
- Become better at self harm (using something sharper than what I use now and making it bleed more)
-Start a fictional blog for practise at creative writing
- Move to a better town
- Get into either Leventhorpe or Bishop Stortford High School sixth form
- Gain some self confidence
- Grow my hair down to my waist
- Dye my hair black
- Get my eyebrow pierced
- Get my lip pierced and have it suit me
- Get the tattoo I want
- Go to see Black Veil Brides in Concert to celebrate my 16th birthday
- Go to a festival to celebrate the end of compulsory education
- Earn some kind of regular income
- Make a (positive) difference to the world
What would yours be?
- Stop being depressed
- Become thin
- Finish my story
- Be a better Wiccan
- Fall for a guy who genuinely cares about me
- Develop psychic powers
- Get A*s in all my exams
- Learn to play guitar
- Learn to punch hard enough to defend myself in necessary, or at least for when I lose my temper at the next arsehole who tries to use me
- Figure out who my real friends are
- Grow to a C cup bra size
- Become better at self harm (using something sharper than what I use now and making it bleed more)
-Start a fictional blog for practise at creative writing
- Move to a better town
- Get into either Leventhorpe or Bishop Stortford High School sixth form
- Gain some self confidence
- Grow my hair down to my waist
- Dye my hair black
- Get my eyebrow pierced
- Get my lip pierced and have it suit me
- Get the tattoo I want
- Go to see Black Veil Brides in Concert to celebrate my 16th birthday
- Go to a festival to celebrate the end of compulsory education
- Earn some kind of regular income
- Make a (positive) difference to the world
What would yours be?
Saturday, 14 January 2012
Questions With No Answer
The future. It's a total mystery. I think I know what's coming but in reality, I haven't a clue. I could fall down the stairs and bang my head against the wall, falling into a coma tomorrow. I believe in fate but sometimes I don't like that idea. I want a say in what happens to my life. I want to be able to change it.
And people say "tomorrow is a new day". Yes it is, but so what? Tomorrow you can't be someone else. Tomorrow you're suffering the consequences of today. You still have the same past haunting you. You still have to live with the same memories. And other people will have the same memories of you. Everything we are and everything we do is shaped by our actions in the past. So how does it being a new day make any difference?
But if it's fate, we have no control anyway. If it's fate our decisions have already been made. So we worry about changing a future we have no effect on and waste hours trying to think how we can make things better. And everything has been decided by someone else. But who decides? Who has the awful job of choosing who lives in poverty and who's a millionaire? Who decides who's happy and who's not? Who has the heart to create the series of events that is human history?
And if it's all fate then where does suicide come in? Is that us backing out of what fate wants or has fate decided that too? And is there a purpose to what happens or is it all just "I feel like making someone do this"? I always assumed there was a purpose but now I'm not so sure. Because how many people in this world actually achieve something? Or even help people achieve something? How many of us actually have some kind of clue what's going on?
Most importantly: we're all going to die in the end anyway so why do I care?
And people say "tomorrow is a new day". Yes it is, but so what? Tomorrow you can't be someone else. Tomorrow you're suffering the consequences of today. You still have the same past haunting you. You still have to live with the same memories. And other people will have the same memories of you. Everything we are and everything we do is shaped by our actions in the past. So how does it being a new day make any difference?
But if it's fate, we have no control anyway. If it's fate our decisions have already been made. So we worry about changing a future we have no effect on and waste hours trying to think how we can make things better. And everything has been decided by someone else. But who decides? Who has the awful job of choosing who lives in poverty and who's a millionaire? Who decides who's happy and who's not? Who has the heart to create the series of events that is human history?
And if it's all fate then where does suicide come in? Is that us backing out of what fate wants or has fate decided that too? And is there a purpose to what happens or is it all just "I feel like making someone do this"? I always assumed there was a purpose but now I'm not so sure. Because how many people in this world actually achieve something? Or even help people achieve something? How many of us actually have some kind of clue what's going on?
Most importantly: we're all going to die in the end anyway so why do I care?
Thursday, 12 January 2012
I Can Cope
So my mum decided to play this song to me, telling me to listen to the lyrics. (I couldn't help picking the video, I love Ian/Damon)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goglgdW8kZc&feature=related
Is it wrong of me to get angry? I mean, she just assumes I need help. It's her way of trying to subtly say she knows how I feel etc etc. No, she doesn't. I'm fine. I'm not some fucked up suicide waiting to happen. Yeah, I've been bad but I'm getting stronger. I haven't been too depressed for a long time.
OK, I'm bullshitting. But she doesn't need to know that. I can cope. I'm dealing with everything and if I want someones help I'll ask for it. (If, of course, I was in that video rather than Elena I wouldn't mind so much ....) I just don't get why she's assuming that I need help.
My friends stopped trying. Amelie made one last attempt and it worked. The rest of the time they made things worse. There are so few ways to actually help it's stupid that people are still trying shit they know doesn't work.
I'm not suicidal. I have been. For months it's all I've wanted. But I can't do it. I know what people will think it's because of for a start and I don't want anyone thinking that. And then there's the fact I absolutely refuse to give in. I will struggle through this year, whatever it throws at me. And I have so much I want to do before I die. I want to see Black Veil Brides and Slipknot in concert for a start! Other than that, I'm not too fussed actually.
I just wish people wouldn't assume they know what I'm going through. They don't and they have no fucking right to try and tell me they do. Whether it's through words or a song or anything else. You know the events but you don't know what's in my head. You don't know how I see things. You don't know how I feel or what I see. I'm not you. Every thing's different from what you see/think/feel. We're different and there isn't anything that can change that.
I used to think that I wanted to know someone was there for me. But you know what? I don't give a fucking shit. I look for that and I end up hurt as I hope someone can become more than they will ever be to me. I'm not looking for that. Or waiting and hoping. Because that's looking to. I've given up on that. I will make my own way. I can save myself if I want to. I have the strength. And I can cope with anything. So let me do so and leave me the fuck alone!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goglgdW8kZc&feature=related
Is it wrong of me to get angry? I mean, she just assumes I need help. It's her way of trying to subtly say she knows how I feel etc etc. No, she doesn't. I'm fine. I'm not some fucked up suicide waiting to happen. Yeah, I've been bad but I'm getting stronger. I haven't been too depressed for a long time.
OK, I'm bullshitting. But she doesn't need to know that. I can cope. I'm dealing with everything and if I want someones help I'll ask for it. (If, of course, I was in that video rather than Elena I wouldn't mind so much ....) I just don't get why she's assuming that I need help.
My friends stopped trying. Amelie made one last attempt and it worked. The rest of the time they made things worse. There are so few ways to actually help it's stupid that people are still trying shit they know doesn't work.
I'm not suicidal. I have been. For months it's all I've wanted. But I can't do it. I know what people will think it's because of for a start and I don't want anyone thinking that. And then there's the fact I absolutely refuse to give in. I will struggle through this year, whatever it throws at me. And I have so much I want to do before I die. I want to see Black Veil Brides and Slipknot in concert for a start! Other than that, I'm not too fussed actually.
I just wish people wouldn't assume they know what I'm going through. They don't and they have no fucking right to try and tell me they do. Whether it's through words or a song or anything else. You know the events but you don't know what's in my head. You don't know how I see things. You don't know how I feel or what I see. I'm not you. Every thing's different from what you see/think/feel. We're different and there isn't anything that can change that.
I used to think that I wanted to know someone was there for me. But you know what? I don't give a fucking shit. I look for that and I end up hurt as I hope someone can become more than they will ever be to me. I'm not looking for that. Or waiting and hoping. Because that's looking to. I've given up on that. I will make my own way. I can save myself if I want to. I have the strength. And I can cope with anything. So let me do so and leave me the fuck alone!
Wednesday, 11 January 2012
Amelie
Amelie, she's been mentioned a few times. When I wrote my post "If People Had Warning Labels" which I deleted before posting, hers was - oh bugger, what was it? Something ending in "not realising lies are my crutch" But I don't remember what the first part was. It's really annoying. But never mind, you get the point I'm sure. I've often presented her as stupid and blind. For a long time I saw her as completely under Marzena's control. We argued and I hated having anything to do with her.
I've built up a very negative picture of her. And I would like to apologise. I was lost, I didn't know who was on my side and assumed therefore that no-one was. I only saw the way we would argue and she would believe the lies she'd been told. After this personal crisis actually led to something, I discovered otherwise.
In my loneliness, I became happy when a guy began to pay attention to me. I went along with it and we kept it secret. I only told Eva because it all just came spilling out. It all fell apart and Eva ended up telling Amelie. I was terrified because this was the guy I told you about in "Open Your Eyes Bitch". It all went far better than expected. I told her the truth about him and about how I was lost and hated myself and wanted to escape and I was confused and just trying to keep going. She got slightly angry at one point, but I can see why she did. That went away quickly though. She was incredibly helpful and so, so supportive. I am incredibly grateful to her and she's helped me get back on my feet.
So I thought I would try and show you more of her personality.
Amelie is completely insane. For Christmas I bought her a set of fake moustaches in various styles and there's a picture somewhere of us wearing one each. Most of the time spent with her is a good laugh. Such as when I stayed round hers and we got out her makeup. I wrote "olo" on her head because of her dirty mind and the innocent origins of the world. She drew a dick on mine. We gave each other moustaches and beards. And cat whiskers and wrote "bonbons" across our chest (a codeword for what was drawn on my head). Then we proceeded to take photos of ourselves in various strange poses and put them on face book.
The codewords are just as entertaining. I don't remember all of them but never mention these words to her: bonbons, socks, down, flake, teabags and biscuits. She is the most dirty minded girl I have ever met lol.
Other memories that reveal her personality? Well, there's the time Andrew went to Scotland and so she was going to join him in his suitcase and practise her Irish accent while she was there. Whilst hiding in his suitcase, she was wearing his underwear on her head. Which had a picture of a moustache on it. Why on earth I had to end up being forced to go with her I do not know.
I think, the only criticism I could ever make is her love of Andrew. He's a great guy, he really is. But she's convinced that she's going to spend the rest of her life with him. She's a bit over the top. He's a lot older than her and cheated on her once so her parents don't like the relationship. This means that whenever she gets caught with him she's grounded for months at a time. I have to wonder, is it worth it?
She's a fun person though, most of the time. She has her bad moments. But so does everyone. Quite a lot of them really. So maybe the main thing you could say about Amelie is: she's human. Confident, loud, funny, with mood swings. But still an average teenage girl.
I've built up a very negative picture of her. And I would like to apologise. I was lost, I didn't know who was on my side and assumed therefore that no-one was. I only saw the way we would argue and she would believe the lies she'd been told. After this personal crisis actually led to something, I discovered otherwise.
In my loneliness, I became happy when a guy began to pay attention to me. I went along with it and we kept it secret. I only told Eva because it all just came spilling out. It all fell apart and Eva ended up telling Amelie. I was terrified because this was the guy I told you about in "Open Your Eyes Bitch". It all went far better than expected. I told her the truth about him and about how I was lost and hated myself and wanted to escape and I was confused and just trying to keep going. She got slightly angry at one point, but I can see why she did. That went away quickly though. She was incredibly helpful and so, so supportive. I am incredibly grateful to her and she's helped me get back on my feet.
So I thought I would try and show you more of her personality.
Amelie is completely insane. For Christmas I bought her a set of fake moustaches in various styles and there's a picture somewhere of us wearing one each. Most of the time spent with her is a good laugh. Such as when I stayed round hers and we got out her makeup. I wrote "olo" on her head because of her dirty mind and the innocent origins of the world. She drew a dick on mine. We gave each other moustaches and beards. And cat whiskers and wrote "bonbons" across our chest (a codeword for what was drawn on my head). Then we proceeded to take photos of ourselves in various strange poses and put them on face book.
The codewords are just as entertaining. I don't remember all of them but never mention these words to her: bonbons, socks, down, flake, teabags and biscuits. She is the most dirty minded girl I have ever met lol.
Other memories that reveal her personality? Well, there's the time Andrew went to Scotland and so she was going to join him in his suitcase and practise her Irish accent while she was there. Whilst hiding in his suitcase, she was wearing his underwear on her head. Which had a picture of a moustache on it. Why on earth I had to end up being forced to go with her I do not know.
I think, the only criticism I could ever make is her love of Andrew. He's a great guy, he really is. But she's convinced that she's going to spend the rest of her life with him. She's a bit over the top. He's a lot older than her and cheated on her once so her parents don't like the relationship. This means that whenever she gets caught with him she's grounded for months at a time. I have to wonder, is it worth it?
She's a fun person though, most of the time. She has her bad moments. But so does everyone. Quite a lot of them really. So maybe the main thing you could say about Amelie is: she's human. Confident, loud, funny, with mood swings. But still an average teenage girl.
Monday, 9 January 2012
Why I Hate Guys (or at least, the ones in my life)
I would like to just make sure the part about "the ones in my life" is very clear. I'm simply hating people I know
1. Only the creeps and arseholes are attracted to me
2. Telling someone they "wouldn't want anyone else" when they've been slagging them off to their friend and hitting on another girl would piss anyone off
3. I will never ever keep anything to do with one of them a secret again
4. It turns out I don't always know what I'm letting myself in for
5. I haven't come across one that actually tells you when they've found someone else
6. The stereotype of them being obsessed with their xbox? Surprisingly true
7. The ones that hit on you are quite obviously after one thing and as P!nk said "I'm not here for your entertainment" and "this body is a prize that speaks of loving unconditionally"
8. Those that aren't hitting on you tend to be total dicks. There are exceptions to this even in my life. I'll admit that
9. They become really hot when you like them but become so ugly when whatever was between you ends (regardless of what they looked like before)
10. I always hope that I've found the exception but I never have
11. Eva and Maddison are happy in love. I'm jealous
12. I was more miserable when the last one was in my life than before
13. I hate the paranoia and the being angry at myself for being paranoid and the what if I'm not paranoid I'm just noticing the truth
14. I waste so much of my time and thoughts on them
15. My town's full of the ugly ones
In case you can't tell, things were really looking up for a while and now it's all gone again ....
1. Only the creeps and arseholes are attracted to me
2. Telling someone they "wouldn't want anyone else" when they've been slagging them off to their friend and hitting on another girl would piss anyone off
3. I will never ever keep anything to do with one of them a secret again
4. It turns out I don't always know what I'm letting myself in for
5. I haven't come across one that actually tells you when they've found someone else
6. The stereotype of them being obsessed with their xbox? Surprisingly true
7. The ones that hit on you are quite obviously after one thing and as P!nk said "I'm not here for your entertainment" and "this body is a prize that speaks of loving unconditionally"
8. Those that aren't hitting on you tend to be total dicks. There are exceptions to this even in my life. I'll admit that
9. They become really hot when you like them but become so ugly when whatever was between you ends (regardless of what they looked like before)
10. I always hope that I've found the exception but I never have
11. Eva and Maddison are happy in love. I'm jealous
12. I was more miserable when the last one was in my life than before
13. I hate the paranoia and the being angry at myself for being paranoid and the what if I'm not paranoid I'm just noticing the truth
14. I waste so much of my time and thoughts on them
15. My town's full of the ugly ones
In case you can't tell, things were really looking up for a while and now it's all gone again ....
Tuesday, 13 December 2011
Air Freshners
I know this is a random topic, but has anyone else noticed that Christmas air fresheners are always the same and never smell like what they're meant to smell of? So here are some ideas for Christmas/Yule/other midwinter festival based air fresheners that actually smell like the idea. I have no idea why.
- Fresh snow
- Pine trees
- Christmas dinner
- Hot chocolate
- Roasted chestnuts
- Santa's aftershave (Because we all know he's real ;) )
- Mince pies
- Scarves and gloves and hats and that indescribable warm and comfy smell
- That indescribable cold smell
- Gold and myrrh and frankincense
- Christmas pudding
- Winter flowers
- Er, what else is there?
- Fresh snow
- Pine trees
- Christmas dinner
- Hot chocolate
- Roasted chestnuts
- Santa's aftershave (Because we all know he's real ;) )
- Mince pies
- Scarves and gloves and hats and that indescribable warm and comfy smell
- That indescribable cold smell
- Gold and myrrh and frankincense
- Christmas pudding
- Winter flowers
- Er, what else is there?
Thursday, 8 December 2011
Other Religions
I don't care what religion anyone is. I will disagree with almost every religion on some points and agree with almost every religion on other points. I don't know enough about most religions to comment. So I really don't mind what you believe in. I don't mind talking about those beliefs. Although that may not always have come across and I apologise for any misunderstandings on this matter.
The thing I really don't like is when people try to convert me or tell me I'm wrong. I have spent 10 years having Christianity shoved down my throat by my RE teachers. For that reason I respect said religion but only from a distance. I can't stand being expected to take part in its practises or the way people will say something, for example Christmas, is completely Christian when actually most of it is older than Christianity and they used those dates so that the people they wanted to convert would switch easier.
Because of the way I have had this religion thrown at me as if it is the only possible way to life, I react far more strongly than I should to following other religions customs. To me it feels like a trap, like I'm being forced into participating in something I disagree with. When really it's something neutral that in other circumstances I would do out of respect. I suppose I wouldn't mind if I had had a choice throughout the years, but instead it was forced on me, building up anger and frustration.
I could probably cope with this alone, just about. But I also had to face the way everything in my religion is looked at as being against Christianity. And if I try to argue my point, I'm not listened to. I quite often get very angry at this. Sometimes all I want is to be heard. Or to feel free being myself. When I can't feel this I instinctively start attacking whatever I feel is causing this.
I guess the point of this is to try and explain that past comments came out wrong. And why they came out wrong. This is also a warning to other people: if you try and force your religion on someone they will most probably run the other way, seeing freedom in something else. And that if you look down on theirs, acting as if it is completely wrong, they will think the same about yours. This is my last year at this school and so I'm hoping that over time this instinct to get away from certain aspects of other religions will disappear. I've learnt how to control what I say or do though now, realising why I act like this and how it comes across. Tolerance and mutual respect are vital. If we don't have them, disrespect and prejudice will spread like a disease.
Edit: The quote that perhaps best explains my view is "Having a religion is like having a dick. I don't care if you have one, just don't try and shove it down my throat"
The thing I really don't like is when people try to convert me or tell me I'm wrong. I have spent 10 years having Christianity shoved down my throat by my RE teachers. For that reason I respect said religion but only from a distance. I can't stand being expected to take part in its practises or the way people will say something, for example Christmas, is completely Christian when actually most of it is older than Christianity and they used those dates so that the people they wanted to convert would switch easier.
Because of the way I have had this religion thrown at me as if it is the only possible way to life, I react far more strongly than I should to following other religions customs. To me it feels like a trap, like I'm being forced into participating in something I disagree with. When really it's something neutral that in other circumstances I would do out of respect. I suppose I wouldn't mind if I had had a choice throughout the years, but instead it was forced on me, building up anger and frustration.
I could probably cope with this alone, just about. But I also had to face the way everything in my religion is looked at as being against Christianity. And if I try to argue my point, I'm not listened to. I quite often get very angry at this. Sometimes all I want is to be heard. Or to feel free being myself. When I can't feel this I instinctively start attacking whatever I feel is causing this.
I guess the point of this is to try and explain that past comments came out wrong. And why they came out wrong. This is also a warning to other people: if you try and force your religion on someone they will most probably run the other way, seeing freedom in something else. And that if you look down on theirs, acting as if it is completely wrong, they will think the same about yours. This is my last year at this school and so I'm hoping that over time this instinct to get away from certain aspects of other religions will disappear. I've learnt how to control what I say or do though now, realising why I act like this and how it comes across. Tolerance and mutual respect are vital. If we don't have them, disrespect and prejudice will spread like a disease.
Edit: The quote that perhaps best explains my view is "Having a religion is like having a dick. I don't care if you have one, just don't try and shove it down my throat"
Wednesday, 30 November 2011
Politics
Politics. They play a part in every ones life, whether they notice it or not. I try to ignore it and just get on with my life. But I'm currently enjoying a day off school because my teachers are all striking. So I might as well express my view on this very controversial topic.
First thing is: our economy is failing. Everyone knows that. Our last government, Labour, fucked that up and so the difficulties we are in now are their fault. However Conservatives are failing at fixing these mistakes. It must be a very hard job trying to fix a country - the results are never instant and everyone wants things to be better now. Lib Dems are just puppets so they're useless too. Conclusion? None of the main 3 party's are any good. I don't know the other ones so I have no idea what they're like.
Second thing is: lies. I don't pay much attention to the news but I do know that politicians are all liars. For example, we were told tuition fees wouldn't be raised. We now have to pay more than any other country in the world to go to university. They work on what's best for them and if that means breaking promises, they're happy to do it.
Thirdly: Why the fuck are all of them from private schools? Maybe I'm feeling too much empathy for the Russian peasants we're learning about in history at the moment, but surely they're the worst possible people to run the country? When have they had to work for hours just for minimum wage? When have they been made redundant? When have they had to rely on the trains or buses that are never running properly? When have they ever had to worry about whether or not they can make a decent future for themselves? When have they ever had to sleep on the streets? The list goes on. We need the leaders of our country to be from a normal background. I want to know that the people that control my home are dedicated enough to have worked to where they are not just bribed people to get what they want. I also want to know that they know what it's like for ordinary people.
Fourthly: Why am I complaining? I can't make a change. And yes there's all that bullshit about how slaves probably though that and Martin Luther King probably didn't expect the results of his protests to be quite as big as they were. Women thought they would be stuck as lower class citizens forever until someone gathered up the courage to do something about it. But, using the Russian Revolution as an example again, it won't change. They decided they wanted Communism. A very good idea I think. If it was possible I would support it fully. But human nature is greedy and so it would never work. This was proved by the USSR. Lenin may have managed it if he was given more time but he wasn't. And then Stalin got into power. Because that's how life is. Things don't go our way and they get hard and everything fucks up. We just have to try and make the best of it.
So what is my view? Because I certainly don't know. I know how I would change it if I was in power. I know what I think people should do. But can any one person rule a country? An easy solution would be for every decision to be voted on by the people. But that would take forever. And we can't always get everything we want. So people are going to make mistakes. Knowing what I want isn't the same as knowing how to get it. I guess I'll just have to say that my thing on this is that it's stupid and no-ones ever going to agree. But we aren't finished yet. So maybe we should have some faith in our government. We're still a democracy. We're still a fairly rich country. Only 25% of our population live in poverty. It isn't ideal but it's the best we're going to get.
First thing is: our economy is failing. Everyone knows that. Our last government, Labour, fucked that up and so the difficulties we are in now are their fault. However Conservatives are failing at fixing these mistakes. It must be a very hard job trying to fix a country - the results are never instant and everyone wants things to be better now. Lib Dems are just puppets so they're useless too. Conclusion? None of the main 3 party's are any good. I don't know the other ones so I have no idea what they're like.
Second thing is: lies. I don't pay much attention to the news but I do know that politicians are all liars. For example, we were told tuition fees wouldn't be raised. We now have to pay more than any other country in the world to go to university. They work on what's best for them and if that means breaking promises, they're happy to do it.
Thirdly: Why the fuck are all of them from private schools? Maybe I'm feeling too much empathy for the Russian peasants we're learning about in history at the moment, but surely they're the worst possible people to run the country? When have they had to work for hours just for minimum wage? When have they been made redundant? When have they had to rely on the trains or buses that are never running properly? When have they ever had to worry about whether or not they can make a decent future for themselves? When have they ever had to sleep on the streets? The list goes on. We need the leaders of our country to be from a normal background. I want to know that the people that control my home are dedicated enough to have worked to where they are not just bribed people to get what they want. I also want to know that they know what it's like for ordinary people.
Fourthly: Why am I complaining? I can't make a change. And yes there's all that bullshit about how slaves probably though that and Martin Luther King probably didn't expect the results of his protests to be quite as big as they were. Women thought they would be stuck as lower class citizens forever until someone gathered up the courage to do something about it. But, using the Russian Revolution as an example again, it won't change. They decided they wanted Communism. A very good idea I think. If it was possible I would support it fully. But human nature is greedy and so it would never work. This was proved by the USSR. Lenin may have managed it if he was given more time but he wasn't. And then Stalin got into power. Because that's how life is. Things don't go our way and they get hard and everything fucks up. We just have to try and make the best of it.
So what is my view? Because I certainly don't know. I know how I would change it if I was in power. I know what I think people should do. But can any one person rule a country? An easy solution would be for every decision to be voted on by the people. But that would take forever. And we can't always get everything we want. So people are going to make mistakes. Knowing what I want isn't the same as knowing how to get it. I guess I'll just have to say that my thing on this is that it's stupid and no-ones ever going to agree. But we aren't finished yet. So maybe we should have some faith in our government. We're still a democracy. We're still a fairly rich country. Only 25% of our population live in poverty. It isn't ideal but it's the best we're going to get.
Tuesday, 22 November 2011
Open Your Eyes Bitch
In my history room there's a wall with work about the Holocaust. Across it are the words "those who don't study the past are doomed to repeat it". Whilst I'm not going to write about the Holocaust, that phrase is incredibly true right now.
When I began to write to you I had a lot of problems with Marzena. But I think things were fairly OK between Amelie and me. They hadn't always been. So let me give you a quick overview of what happened:
Almost every day Amelie would send me a text having a go at me. Her and Marzena would have been talking about something. And then something Marzena had said would get Amelie all angry at me. At first I didn't see the pattern. I assumed I was awful to put up with if I annoyed her that much. I though I was a rubbish friend and would quite often cut myself because of what happened. Then I went and got a boyfriend, Toby and all of a sudden Amelie was angry at me constantly. She hated him right from the start. For no good reason. OK, he did turn out to be an arsehole but still. Marzena used this to the best of her advantage. She lied to me, telling me something Amelie had said to her. So I got angry at Amelie thinking she had lied, even though she hadn't. I think that was when I started to see what was going on.
There's one argument in particular that I want to talk about. I had arranged to meet up with Toby because I had no other plans and well, he was my boyfriend. Amelie then asked if I wanted to meet up. Now, I will always put my friends before guys. But in a situation where I've already made plans - I don't cancel because I got a better offer. Only bitches do that. Amelie was furious. It was of course all my fault. How dare I make plans when she wanted to meet up? I'm meant to sit around waiting to find out if she wants to do something that day. No-one else can come first.
History lesson over, here are some more recent events.
Amelie introduced me to a guy and we got on. She didn't like that and started slagging him off. Although she now claims he was her best mate. She then stopped being friends with him because of what happened. I refused to let that deter me. We still meet up and we're friends. We had planned to meet up on Saturday just gone. But the day before Amelie asked me if I wanted to see Breaking Dawn with her family. I said I was busy because I wasn't going to cancel on this guy, he's my friend too and I was looking forward to meeting up with him. As I said above, only bitches cancel on someone for a better offer. But I never said why I was busy. I figured it didn't matter. I wouldn't bother saying why if I was out with my family or the girls.
And then last night I got a text from her because by not saying so I was "hiding things" and it "hurt" her. She "feel[s] like [she] can trust no-one and everybody needs somebody to trust". I wasn't hiding things, I just wasn't making a big deal of it. I'm sorry it hurt her but it wasn't intentional. And oh no, what will she do if she can't trust? She's right, everybody needs somebody to trust. But a lot of people don't. Do you see them making a big thing of it? I can't trust anyone. It played a major, major part of my life for a while and filled almost all my thoughts, my diary entries etc etc. But I never said anything about it to the people that hurt me. And now? Now I deal with it. But was she there when I lost my last little bit of faith in the world? Would she have cared if I'd told her? Would she have listened to my side over Marzenas?
"Those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it". My lesson to learn? I will always have to choose between Amelie and a guy. And my lesson from the shit Marzena stirred? Don't trust anyone. Ever. Amelie's lessons to learn? She can't get all the guys all the time, she has a boyfriend and there are other girls in the world. From the other arguments - don't trust anyone blindly. I've looked back and know what's going on. If I have to choose I will go for the one that doesn't ask me to choose. I won't trust anyone either. But Amelie can't learn from what happened. And so the cycle begins again. I'm doing what I can. I held back last night on what I wanted to say. Today I ignored her text rather than argue with it: that may seem bitchy but trust me it's better that way. I'm pushing it to the back of my mind rather than letting it take over my day. I haven't said anything bitchy about her to anyone. But if she starts on me, I can't stop her. If someone lies to her I can't stop them. If she believes those lies, I can't change her mind (even when I try). What more can I do to stop this from happening again? She need to open her eyes! But I can't tell her because then she'll believe anything else I say less, accuse me of being a bitch and hate me straight out. I don't even want her friendship any more, I just want peace.
What the fuck am I doing wrong?
When I began to write to you I had a lot of problems with Marzena. But I think things were fairly OK between Amelie and me. They hadn't always been. So let me give you a quick overview of what happened:
Almost every day Amelie would send me a text having a go at me. Her and Marzena would have been talking about something. And then something Marzena had said would get Amelie all angry at me. At first I didn't see the pattern. I assumed I was awful to put up with if I annoyed her that much. I though I was a rubbish friend and would quite often cut myself because of what happened. Then I went and got a boyfriend, Toby and all of a sudden Amelie was angry at me constantly. She hated him right from the start. For no good reason. OK, he did turn out to be an arsehole but still. Marzena used this to the best of her advantage. She lied to me, telling me something Amelie had said to her. So I got angry at Amelie thinking she had lied, even though she hadn't. I think that was when I started to see what was going on.
There's one argument in particular that I want to talk about. I had arranged to meet up with Toby because I had no other plans and well, he was my boyfriend. Amelie then asked if I wanted to meet up. Now, I will always put my friends before guys. But in a situation where I've already made plans - I don't cancel because I got a better offer. Only bitches do that. Amelie was furious. It was of course all my fault. How dare I make plans when she wanted to meet up? I'm meant to sit around waiting to find out if she wants to do something that day. No-one else can come first.
History lesson over, here are some more recent events.
Amelie introduced me to a guy and we got on. She didn't like that and started slagging him off. Although she now claims he was her best mate. She then stopped being friends with him because of what happened. I refused to let that deter me. We still meet up and we're friends. We had planned to meet up on Saturday just gone. But the day before Amelie asked me if I wanted to see Breaking Dawn with her family. I said I was busy because I wasn't going to cancel on this guy, he's my friend too and I was looking forward to meeting up with him. As I said above, only bitches cancel on someone for a better offer. But I never said why I was busy. I figured it didn't matter. I wouldn't bother saying why if I was out with my family or the girls.
And then last night I got a text from her because by not saying so I was "hiding things" and it "hurt" her. She "feel[s] like [she] can trust no-one and everybody needs somebody to trust". I wasn't hiding things, I just wasn't making a big deal of it. I'm sorry it hurt her but it wasn't intentional. And oh no, what will she do if she can't trust? She's right, everybody needs somebody to trust. But a lot of people don't. Do you see them making a big thing of it? I can't trust anyone. It played a major, major part of my life for a while and filled almost all my thoughts, my diary entries etc etc. But I never said anything about it to the people that hurt me. And now? Now I deal with it. But was she there when I lost my last little bit of faith in the world? Would she have cared if I'd told her? Would she have listened to my side over Marzenas?
"Those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it". My lesson to learn? I will always have to choose between Amelie and a guy. And my lesson from the shit Marzena stirred? Don't trust anyone. Ever. Amelie's lessons to learn? She can't get all the guys all the time, she has a boyfriend and there are other girls in the world. From the other arguments - don't trust anyone blindly. I've looked back and know what's going on. If I have to choose I will go for the one that doesn't ask me to choose. I won't trust anyone either. But Amelie can't learn from what happened. And so the cycle begins again. I'm doing what I can. I held back last night on what I wanted to say. Today I ignored her text rather than argue with it: that may seem bitchy but trust me it's better that way. I'm pushing it to the back of my mind rather than letting it take over my day. I haven't said anything bitchy about her to anyone. But if she starts on me, I can't stop her. If someone lies to her I can't stop them. If she believes those lies, I can't change her mind (even when I try). What more can I do to stop this from happening again? She need to open her eyes! But I can't tell her because then she'll believe anything else I say less, accuse me of being a bitch and hate me straight out. I don't even want her friendship any more, I just want peace.
What the fuck am I doing wrong?
Friday, 11 November 2011
Chapter One, Draft Two
Brietta
Everyone knows where they were the moment their life changed drastically. Such as those Fay who are old enough to remember when the last human king was assassinated 3 millennia ago. That was the day we were freed and began to rule.
But I'm not one of those. I grew up in a village untouched by the Fay that weren't my family. I knew nothing of the outside world, and I never dared hope it would change. That's where I sympathise with the last human king.
I bet that day was normal for him. He was visiting a part of the land that was almost entirely Fay renegades. We were slaves back then. He was trying to strike a deal with them and create peace. In his carriage, on the way to meet the Fay leader, he probably didn't think "they're going to kill me today". He was probably wondering how long it was until lunch and what he would get and what to buy his wife and daughter as a present from this far off, barbaric place that has since become our capital.
And I was the same.The moment before my world changed I was expecting an entire lifetime the same. I was sitting in class, hating and being hated whilst working on the novel I write in my Gaelic book instead of my work. I was writing the revenge scene and allowing my own feelings to creep in.
You see, the town detests my family. For a start they consider us "new". No-one in my family was born here except my brother Lir. And at least 2 generations of a family have to have been here from the moment they were conceived to be considered part of the town. It's utterly pathetic. So the town treated us quite badly. We were the cause of all the problems. We didn't get the same neighbourly charity as the other families. We were outcasts. And Maev was the worst of all. Her father was the village chief so she was very rich. So for my story I used my own fantasy revenge which goes something like this.
"A few years into the future, there would be a drought. All the crops would wither and die. Apart from those on my family's land, which would be kept alive by my brother Lir and his affinity with water. So Maev would be sent to us with the family's best horse as a sign of goodwill - they were considered important animals in my village. They would try to exchange the animals for some crops. As my other brother Miach would be taking the horse round the back and supposedly getting the crops needed, I would have a pleasant girly chat with Maev. Which I would use to convince her to unbraid her hair. So I could set it on fire. Then she would run. And the fire would spread to all the neighbouring houses. And with it being so dry, the whole town would go up in flames within mistakes. Leaving only the animals, who had been smart enough to escape, and my family"
Fays have one power each, hence mine and my brothers part in this fantasy.
Yes, this is the backdrop for the beginning of my life. As I was writing, a boy walked in. A boy I had never seen before, a stranger. There are no strangers here.
Opinions? It obviously gets better and this is just the first draft.
Everyone knows where they were the moment their life changed drastically. Such as those Fay who are old enough to remember when the last human king was assassinated 3 millennia ago. That was the day we were freed and began to rule.
But I'm not one of those. I grew up in a village untouched by the Fay that weren't my family. I knew nothing of the outside world, and I never dared hope it would change. That's where I sympathise with the last human king.
I bet that day was normal for him. He was visiting a part of the land that was almost entirely Fay renegades. We were slaves back then. He was trying to strike a deal with them and create peace. In his carriage, on the way to meet the Fay leader, he probably didn't think "they're going to kill me today". He was probably wondering how long it was until lunch and what he would get and what to buy his wife and daughter as a present from this far off, barbaric place that has since become our capital.
And I was the same.The moment before my world changed I was expecting an entire lifetime the same. I was sitting in class, hating and being hated whilst working on the novel I write in my Gaelic book instead of my work. I was writing the revenge scene and allowing my own feelings to creep in.
You see, the town detests my family. For a start they consider us "new". No-one in my family was born here except my brother Lir. And at least 2 generations of a family have to have been here from the moment they were conceived to be considered part of the town. It's utterly pathetic. So the town treated us quite badly. We were the cause of all the problems. We didn't get the same neighbourly charity as the other families. We were outcasts. And Maev was the worst of all. Her father was the village chief so she was very rich. So for my story I used my own fantasy revenge which goes something like this.
"A few years into the future, there would be a drought. All the crops would wither and die. Apart from those on my family's land, which would be kept alive by my brother Lir and his affinity with water. So Maev would be sent to us with the family's best horse as a sign of goodwill - they were considered important animals in my village. They would try to exchange the animals for some crops. As my other brother Miach would be taking the horse round the back and supposedly getting the crops needed, I would have a pleasant girly chat with Maev. Which I would use to convince her to unbraid her hair. So I could set it on fire. Then she would run. And the fire would spread to all the neighbouring houses. And with it being so dry, the whole town would go up in flames within mistakes. Leaving only the animals, who had been smart enough to escape, and my family"
Fays have one power each, hence mine and my brothers part in this fantasy.
Yes, this is the backdrop for the beginning of my life. As I was writing, a boy walked in. A boy I had never seen before, a stranger. There are no strangers here.
Opinions? It obviously gets better and this is just the first draft.
Wednesday, 9 November 2011
Characterisation: Amy
I've known Amy since I was about 9. She hasn't changed much, just got worse. Unfortunately, she's in my form, my science class, my history class, my maths class, my RE class, my Citizenship class and my French class. Although at least I don't hear from her in the latter.
In form I have to put up with her singing and prancing around in her idiocy. Acting childish I don't mind, I do that too. But showing off by being a total imbecile annoys me. Not to mention, no-one wants to hear her sing.
In history, debates tend to arise and, as in Citizenship, capital punishment has been the subject of a few recently. She is strongly for this cold hearted, barbaric practice. I am strongly against it. I often feel the need to voice my opinion on a subject, and this more than others - maybe in another post - but I do everything I can to keep quiet. She however makes no such effort, forcing her opinions on the rest of us. When I hear her cruel and uncaring words I practically have to bite my tongue to stop it from spilling the torrent of angry thoughts from escaping. She is one of those people that believes only she matters. And because she has to voice her opinion with no care for others who have been waiting to have their say, it irritates everyone else. Despite how pathetic her arguments are, the urge to smash her head into the nearest wall is too overwhelming to make arguing with her possible. But I keep quiet.
In science I don't listen enough to have to hear from her, which is a blessing you can't overestimate.
Until the recent change in seating plan, maths was hell. Every lesson she would end up flirting with the guy next to her. And not just normal flirting but slutty flirting. This is also where I would hear the gossip, including who she's slept with. On the history trip, I heard about her secretly giving some guy a blow job at a party. None of these guys are her boyfriend. But she has one. Has had one for 3 years now I think. She even claims to love him. But that love clearly isn't very strong if she still cheats on him.
She once pretended to go out with Noah, the most unpopular guy in our year. Everyone apart from Noah knew this was a cruel and sick joke. But he wouldn't believe us and she wouldn't listen to the criticisms thrown at her.
But those weren't the only things I had to witness. One day I turned around for a single second, no idea why now, just to see her with her skirt hitched right up, sitting with her legs wide open. I have never wanted to see her underwear and never want to again. I never wanted to listen to her conversations either but they were so loud I had no choice because they were so loud. Yet she was still Miss' favourite.
We finished RE a year early and last year was "religion and life". It was basically about forming an opinion and arguing our point. It's a wonder I got an A. The majority of the lesson time was spent trying to shut out the arguments between her and the other very mouthy student in our class. They were loud enough for the whole class to have been involved. And her bigoted ideas made my blood boil! Now we're doing our "extended project" I don't hear from her as much as before thank the Goddess!
This is a very small window on her personality with no improved traits and only some of the things I am forced to endure. But I hope it's enough to give you a glimpse of what she's like and to assess her character.
In form I have to put up with her singing and prancing around in her idiocy. Acting childish I don't mind, I do that too. But showing off by being a total imbecile annoys me. Not to mention, no-one wants to hear her sing.
In history, debates tend to arise and, as in Citizenship, capital punishment has been the subject of a few recently. She is strongly for this cold hearted, barbaric practice. I am strongly against it. I often feel the need to voice my opinion on a subject, and this more than others - maybe in another post - but I do everything I can to keep quiet. She however makes no such effort, forcing her opinions on the rest of us. When I hear her cruel and uncaring words I practically have to bite my tongue to stop it from spilling the torrent of angry thoughts from escaping. She is one of those people that believes only she matters. And because she has to voice her opinion with no care for others who have been waiting to have their say, it irritates everyone else. Despite how pathetic her arguments are, the urge to smash her head into the nearest wall is too overwhelming to make arguing with her possible. But I keep quiet.
In science I don't listen enough to have to hear from her, which is a blessing you can't overestimate.
Until the recent change in seating plan, maths was hell. Every lesson she would end up flirting with the guy next to her. And not just normal flirting but slutty flirting. This is also where I would hear the gossip, including who she's slept with. On the history trip, I heard about her secretly giving some guy a blow job at a party. None of these guys are her boyfriend. But she has one. Has had one for 3 years now I think. She even claims to love him. But that love clearly isn't very strong if she still cheats on him.
She once pretended to go out with Noah, the most unpopular guy in our year. Everyone apart from Noah knew this was a cruel and sick joke. But he wouldn't believe us and she wouldn't listen to the criticisms thrown at her.
But those weren't the only things I had to witness. One day I turned around for a single second, no idea why now, just to see her with her skirt hitched right up, sitting with her legs wide open. I have never wanted to see her underwear and never want to again. I never wanted to listen to her conversations either but they were so loud I had no choice because they were so loud. Yet she was still Miss' favourite.
We finished RE a year early and last year was "religion and life". It was basically about forming an opinion and arguing our point. It's a wonder I got an A. The majority of the lesson time was spent trying to shut out the arguments between her and the other very mouthy student in our class. They were loud enough for the whole class to have been involved. And her bigoted ideas made my blood boil! Now we're doing our "extended project" I don't hear from her as much as before thank the Goddess!
This is a very small window on her personality with no improved traits and only some of the things I am forced to endure. But I hope it's enough to give you a glimpse of what she's like and to assess her character.
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
Lost In My Own Thoughts
Over half term so much happened. I can't quite figure out where to begin.
In one way, I'm less confused. I know myself a little more. I've gained enough confidence to stand a little taller and feel a little more whole. I've stopped trying to lie to myself, trying to be who I think I should be. And instead of relying on my hopes and fantasies, I'm on my own two feet: getting more cynical by the day. I trust no-one but myself and need no-one but myself. I know what the rest of the world is like and how to combat that. I'm not as innocent as I have been. I think I'm stronger for it.
But on the other hand, all these thoughts are new. I'm thinking things that would have shocked me mere weeks ago with no problem. I'm not really any more confident: I don't like myself any more. I just feel fairly comfortable in the knowledge it's me against the world. And just because I've stopped lying to myself about one thing, what about everything else? How much of what I tell myself is true and how much is what I want to believe? I still try and force myself into being someone else. And I thought I had lost all my fantasies and become cynical before. But I've had a strange awakening. Did I slip into my old habits? Just not to the same extent? Or did I think I'd lost all faith there was in those things? Simply not realising how much faith I had left to lose? Am I a total cynic yet? Or do I have to suffer more pain because of my pathetic faith in lies? Just because I don't trust them, doesn't mean I don't want to. I really do want to trust. And I say I don't need them. By that I mean I can cope without if I have to. I think. I don't want to though. It would be awful to be alone. And again, how do I know how much I'm relying on others? I couldn't cope properly alone. I might try and tell myself it's fine. But deep down I know it's not and that the psychological scarring would last longer than it should. I think I know what the rest of the world is like. But what if I'm still wrong? I've always been against stereotypes and grouping people together. But when humanity as a whole have made me the way I am, why should I trust any of them? Why should I hope it'll be different? And as I've always said as my anti stereotype argument: "how do you know?" I'm not as innocent as I was before, but is that a good thing? It stops me getting hurt I suppose. When did I lose it? I know it started about a year ago. But has it just been a slow process since then as it faded away, occasionally having painful chunks torn away by force? How much is gone? How much do I have to suffer from shit happening that I wouldn't deal with because I couldn't believe it was possible? I'm stronger. Am I really? I'm more wary, yes. I do everything I can to make sure I'm not hurt. I have a stronger grip on my emotions. But that isn't all good. I've seen the confusion not letting myself feel can lead too. The real question is, if history were to repeat itself, could I cope? I don't think I could. And with all this losing faith and not trusting people and trying to make sure that no-one can hurt me, am I just turning into a cold hearted bitch?
I just thought I'd share a few of my thoughts. This is what it's like to live in my head. Except only on one issue. Unfortunately it doesn't get any easier to understand and my thoughts get no less contradictory ....
In one way, I'm less confused. I know myself a little more. I've gained enough confidence to stand a little taller and feel a little more whole. I've stopped trying to lie to myself, trying to be who I think I should be. And instead of relying on my hopes and fantasies, I'm on my own two feet: getting more cynical by the day. I trust no-one but myself and need no-one but myself. I know what the rest of the world is like and how to combat that. I'm not as innocent as I have been. I think I'm stronger for it.
But on the other hand, all these thoughts are new. I'm thinking things that would have shocked me mere weeks ago with no problem. I'm not really any more confident: I don't like myself any more. I just feel fairly comfortable in the knowledge it's me against the world. And just because I've stopped lying to myself about one thing, what about everything else? How much of what I tell myself is true and how much is what I want to believe? I still try and force myself into being someone else. And I thought I had lost all my fantasies and become cynical before. But I've had a strange awakening. Did I slip into my old habits? Just not to the same extent? Or did I think I'd lost all faith there was in those things? Simply not realising how much faith I had left to lose? Am I a total cynic yet? Or do I have to suffer more pain because of my pathetic faith in lies? Just because I don't trust them, doesn't mean I don't want to. I really do want to trust. And I say I don't need them. By that I mean I can cope without if I have to. I think. I don't want to though. It would be awful to be alone. And again, how do I know how much I'm relying on others? I couldn't cope properly alone. I might try and tell myself it's fine. But deep down I know it's not and that the psychological scarring would last longer than it should. I think I know what the rest of the world is like. But what if I'm still wrong? I've always been against stereotypes and grouping people together. But when humanity as a whole have made me the way I am, why should I trust any of them? Why should I hope it'll be different? And as I've always said as my anti stereotype argument: "how do you know?" I'm not as innocent as I was before, but is that a good thing? It stops me getting hurt I suppose. When did I lose it? I know it started about a year ago. But has it just been a slow process since then as it faded away, occasionally having painful chunks torn away by force? How much is gone? How much do I have to suffer from shit happening that I wouldn't deal with because I couldn't believe it was possible? I'm stronger. Am I really? I'm more wary, yes. I do everything I can to make sure I'm not hurt. I have a stronger grip on my emotions. But that isn't all good. I've seen the confusion not letting myself feel can lead too. The real question is, if history were to repeat itself, could I cope? I don't think I could. And with all this losing faith and not trusting people and trying to make sure that no-one can hurt me, am I just turning into a cold hearted bitch?
I just thought I'd share a few of my thoughts. This is what it's like to live in my head. Except only on one issue. Unfortunately it doesn't get any easier to understand and my thoughts get no less contradictory ....
Wednesday, 26 October 2011
Freewriting
The sun shines down, bathing us in its loving warmth. I have to go against everything I know to just stand there. I have spent years avoiding it, years in fear. And now, out of nowhere, I was standing it it, enjoying it. I knew this wouldn't work unless I ignored my instincts. Sunlight was vital to what I was about to do.
The blue hurts my eyes with it's brilliance. It's beautiful and brings back happy memories. But the homesickness I used to feel is returning. How can I be happy here when I know what I'm missing. How can I want to be there when there's nothing there for me but pretty scenery. This is my life. I've chosen. I could turn but it's pointless. It would disappoint everyone. And in the long run I don't want to. I an travel, I can see everywhere. But this path does not change. I know what turnings I must take. I just hope I'm not forced down others. It's a long and boring road. All planned out for me, but I've never known if it really is what I want.
But thoughts like these are pointless. It's far better to focus on the now. I can work up my good mood again. I mean, just look at that sunshine and that field. Look for the smile that's waiting for me to pick it up and wear it, my oldest and closest friend. THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM.
Isn't that a song lyric? 30 Seconds to Mars I believe. Yes it's from The Kill. His song. The song that made me cry and smile and contributed to my stupid mixed up emotions. I mustn't think of him when I hear it. It's not his song now. It's a great song and must not be ruined with those painful memories. Although it isn't his fault. He had to do what he did if he valued his life. But the betrayal still hurts far too much for me to forgive him.
Forgiveness. A longish word that's tossed around all the time. They say to error is human, to forgive is divine. But how many people truly forgive and how many just say it? I've sat there before and let go of all my anger, hatred and hurt, forgiving everyone,. I brought my messed up heart and my confused mind to peace. Only to wake up the next morning with nothing but the memory of what it's like. I still hold everything against them. I still hurt from the wounds they left. Have they healed or not? I never do know.
Look at this one, this was caused by a blonde girl. I didn't notice her stab the knife in. It's in my back so I couldn't see and I was focused on the pain of a different wound. But yes, this one has started to heal, it no longer bleeds. But it would take the barest knock to start again and the scar will never fade. And look at this one on my chest. This is the one that preoccupied me. See how deep it it. This one was because someone kicked me in the chest repeatedly even though I wanted their love. It's just a scar now but I'm afraid of others like it. I wear chain mail like the knights of old to protect me against it.
I wish I could show you more, make you understand more but my time is up. I must go and fight against further injury.
The blue hurts my eyes with it's brilliance. It's beautiful and brings back happy memories. But the homesickness I used to feel is returning. How can I be happy here when I know what I'm missing. How can I want to be there when there's nothing there for me but pretty scenery. This is my life. I've chosen. I could turn but it's pointless. It would disappoint everyone. And in the long run I don't want to. I an travel, I can see everywhere. But this path does not change. I know what turnings I must take. I just hope I'm not forced down others. It's a long and boring road. All planned out for me, but I've never known if it really is what I want.
But thoughts like these are pointless. It's far better to focus on the now. I can work up my good mood again. I mean, just look at that sunshine and that field. Look for the smile that's waiting for me to pick it up and wear it, my oldest and closest friend. THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM.
Isn't that a song lyric? 30 Seconds to Mars I believe. Yes it's from The Kill. His song. The song that made me cry and smile and contributed to my stupid mixed up emotions. I mustn't think of him when I hear it. It's not his song now. It's a great song and must not be ruined with those painful memories. Although it isn't his fault. He had to do what he did if he valued his life. But the betrayal still hurts far too much for me to forgive him.
Forgiveness. A longish word that's tossed around all the time. They say to error is human, to forgive is divine. But how many people truly forgive and how many just say it? I've sat there before and let go of all my anger, hatred and hurt, forgiving everyone,. I brought my messed up heart and my confused mind to peace. Only to wake up the next morning with nothing but the memory of what it's like. I still hold everything against them. I still hurt from the wounds they left. Have they healed or not? I never do know.
Look at this one, this was caused by a blonde girl. I didn't notice her stab the knife in. It's in my back so I couldn't see and I was focused on the pain of a different wound. But yes, this one has started to heal, it no longer bleeds. But it would take the barest knock to start again and the scar will never fade. And look at this one on my chest. This is the one that preoccupied me. See how deep it it. This one was because someone kicked me in the chest repeatedly even though I wanted their love. It's just a scar now but I'm afraid of others like it. I wear chain mail like the knights of old to protect me against it.
I wish I could show you more, make you understand more but my time is up. I must go and fight against further injury.
Saturday, 22 October 2011
Amisha
This is an attempt at writing about charicters so I thought I would start with telling you about my friend Amisha. She's incredibly strange. The first thing that indicates her strageness is her obssesion with split ends. We found out about this in early September this year and it's been an endless source of amusement. If she sees a split end she has to pull it out straight away and enjoys it immensly. Scarlett sits in front of her in maths and whole lessons have gone by where Scarlett won't lean forwards because Amisha is looking through her hair and will pull on it or scream "noooooooooooooooo" if she does move. First of all Ganika picked up the habit, then Scarlett and now even I'm doing it. Although, I'm proud to say, I have no split ends :)
If this yellow fish was Amisha and these bubbles would be split ends, this would be very accurate: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NzPd-xW4YY&feature=related
That's not the only strange hair related thing she's done in maths. The othr day she coloured the tips of mine dark blue (I have very dark hair so it only worked on the ends and even then only the most golden part). I let her at first because it was quite funny. She wants me to dip my entire head in red hair dye, convinced it'll make my hair much nicer and then she can laugh at my red face.
This is the girl who, when we were playing maths games on the computers, started saying "you're doing it wrong! You're going to die now" until said it whenever she came near. And who pretended the computer mouse was a real mouse that was climbing up my leg. I then joined in with the one next to me. We called them Jerry and Mouseatouille and used them for many hours entertainment.
We spent hours discussing the best lines of Pirates of the Carribean and we all love Captain Jack Sparrow! We find him the funniest person on Earth. None of us can wait until the next one and we want to have a sleepover where we watch all 4 of the movies in a row. Maybe dressed as pirates for fun, definately with popcorn. Amisha may have admitted jealousy of Captain Sparrows bandana.
And even though she thinks boys are a waste of air and is totally asexual, she is fascinated by my love life. The other day she spent hours trying to guess who my almost-crush is on, although I flat out lied to her. She says her interest is because she doesn't understand why other people, e.g. me are "obssessed" with guys. Whatever the reason is, it's almost as annoying as her size. She's the skinniest person I've ever met! But, it means I can claim that with her bird like legs she can fit on the end of the table in science where there i a bar under the table and my "fat" legs can't. And no suspicion is aroused, when really I want to sit next to the guy next to her ;)
She's the most talkative person I know and is always getting in trouble in class because she doesn't shut up. Meaning my French teacher, who can't even get her name right, hates her. But it is funny when she gets her name wrong. I would love to share the names with you but for that to be understood I would have to give away her real name which I am NOT doing.
When I was saying what our friends would be like as teachers for a joke, picking on all their worst points, I said that she would end up stopping the lesson to search her students hair for split ends. She'd stop her own funeral to take out the split ends of whoever does a Hindu funeral.
This girl loves being difficult and hates the skankiest guy in school who is very needy and has latched onto us, Noah, and spiders, she's one of those that kills them :s even though she's vegitarian and believes everyone else, including animals like lions, tigers etc should be.
When I asked her what her best memory was, in the hope of a good story, she simply said our conversations from lunch times. Which is annoying. The main "story" I can produce is her past, and about her dad. But Amisha's post was meant to be lighthearted and hopefully, but probably not, entertain you as much as she entertains us. So no sobstories ...
If this yellow fish was Amisha and these bubbles would be split ends, this would be very accurate: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NzPd-xW4YY&feature=related
That's not the only strange hair related thing she's done in maths. The othr day she coloured the tips of mine dark blue (I have very dark hair so it only worked on the ends and even then only the most golden part). I let her at first because it was quite funny. She wants me to dip my entire head in red hair dye, convinced it'll make my hair much nicer and then she can laugh at my red face.
This is the girl who, when we were playing maths games on the computers, started saying "you're doing it wrong! You're going to die now" until said it whenever she came near. And who pretended the computer mouse was a real mouse that was climbing up my leg. I then joined in with the one next to me. We called them Jerry and Mouseatouille and used them for many hours entertainment.
We spent hours discussing the best lines of Pirates of the Carribean and we all love Captain Jack Sparrow! We find him the funniest person on Earth. None of us can wait until the next one and we want to have a sleepover where we watch all 4 of the movies in a row. Maybe dressed as pirates for fun, definately with popcorn. Amisha may have admitted jealousy of Captain Sparrows bandana.
And even though she thinks boys are a waste of air and is totally asexual, she is fascinated by my love life. The other day she spent hours trying to guess who my almost-crush is on, although I flat out lied to her. She says her interest is because she doesn't understand why other people, e.g. me are "obssessed" with guys. Whatever the reason is, it's almost as annoying as her size. She's the skinniest person I've ever met! But, it means I can claim that with her bird like legs she can fit on the end of the table in science where there i a bar under the table and my "fat" legs can't. And no suspicion is aroused, when really I want to sit next to the guy next to her ;)
She's the most talkative person I know and is always getting in trouble in class because she doesn't shut up. Meaning my French teacher, who can't even get her name right, hates her. But it is funny when she gets her name wrong. I would love to share the names with you but for that to be understood I would have to give away her real name which I am NOT doing.
When I was saying what our friends would be like as teachers for a joke, picking on all their worst points, I said that she would end up stopping the lesson to search her students hair for split ends. She'd stop her own funeral to take out the split ends of whoever does a Hindu funeral.
This girl loves being difficult and hates the skankiest guy in school who is very needy and has latched onto us, Noah, and spiders, she's one of those that kills them :s even though she's vegitarian and believes everyone else, including animals like lions, tigers etc should be.
When I asked her what her best memory was, in the hope of a good story, she simply said our conversations from lunch times. Which is annoying. The main "story" I can produce is her past, and about her dad. But Amisha's post was meant to be lighthearted and hopefully, but probably not, entertain you as much as she entertains us. So no sobstories ...
Wednesday, 19 October 2011
Smiling
I would like you to ignore the depressing tone of Mondays post. I gave up being mute, determined to find a way to destroy my vocal cords at some point. Now, I don't want to.
I walked part of the way home with Gabriel Monday after school and came home really cheerful. The post was a diary entry from the day before and I'd said I'd post it, it tells a bit about my life and who I am. But it's all changed.
When I came home all cheerful, I decided I like being cheerful and don;t need to be so miserable all the time. So I decided to just keep smiling. Because your brain thinks that if you're smiling, you must be happy and so you feel happier. So I've kept on smiling ever since and feel wonderful because of it.
I'm happier constantly, the world is brighter, everything's better, bad things aren't a problem, I have more fun, my brain works better. And my self confidence has been drastically improved. Eva even commented on it today because it's actually visible.
My life isn't perfect. I'm not perfect. But you know what? I don't give a shit. I have so much that is good, I have a loving family and a home and I don't go hungry and I can write and I have seen and done so many wonderful things. "I'll never be rich and I'll never look perfect, I don't care it's who I am" (Madina Lake, Hey Superstar).
I can see the best of any situation and I can look at myself and think "I don't like my nose/inability to draw/impatience but I do like my hair/writing talent/kindness" as an example.
And I am actually more patient with people because they don't annoy me so much so I'm being nicer to everyone. It's doing wonders for my karma. Just smiling does so much. Thank you Gabriel for making me see this (albeit indirectly).
I walked part of the way home with Gabriel Monday after school and came home really cheerful. The post was a diary entry from the day before and I'd said I'd post it, it tells a bit about my life and who I am. But it's all changed.
When I came home all cheerful, I decided I like being cheerful and don;t need to be so miserable all the time. So I decided to just keep smiling. Because your brain thinks that if you're smiling, you must be happy and so you feel happier. So I've kept on smiling ever since and feel wonderful because of it.
I'm happier constantly, the world is brighter, everything's better, bad things aren't a problem, I have more fun, my brain works better. And my self confidence has been drastically improved. Eva even commented on it today because it's actually visible.
My life isn't perfect. I'm not perfect. But you know what? I don't give a shit. I have so much that is good, I have a loving family and a home and I don't go hungry and I can write and I have seen and done so many wonderful things. "I'll never be rich and I'll never look perfect, I don't care it's who I am" (Madina Lake, Hey Superstar).
I can see the best of any situation and I can look at myself and think "I don't like my nose/inability to draw/impatience but I do like my hair/writing talent/kindness" as an example.
And I am actually more patient with people because they don't annoy me so much so I'm being nicer to everyone. It's doing wonders for my karma. Just smiling does so much. Thank you Gabriel for making me see this (albeit indirectly).
Monday, 17 October 2011
Being Mute
I hate my voice. I hate every single thing sound it makes. I hate its pitch. I hate its volume. I hate its - everything. At this moment in time all I want is to never hear it again. Is that too much to ask??!
Dad is utterly selfish and has decided that because he spends so little time with me I must talk to him constantly. I don't have that much to say normally. Let alone when I never want to speak again! And I can't even talk quietly because he's stupidly deaf!
The rest of my family don't have a clue. So I have to talk to them as well.
My friends are constantly trying to convince me to talk and so are the others at school. They. Just. Don't. Get. It.
The teachers, like my family, couldn't even be approached with the idea of me not talking. It's the same at work. Even random strangers expect me to talk!
Why is it so inconceivable that a 15 year old girl would one day decide not to talk?? It's not like anyone on the internet is even remotely helpful either!! If you look up ways to destroy your vocal cords, you get lots of people wanting to and loads of others saying "why would you want to do that?" and having a go at the people! The only way I can find is surgery. AT 15 I CAN'T AFFORD THAT!!!!
No-one, absolutely no-one seems to understand voluntary muteness and no-one will help you find out how to become a physical mute. It's ridiculous! Why is the whole world so against it? It's OUR voice and OUR choice! Thousand of people have died so that we have the free will to make these kinds of choices. But does anyone respect them? No! Why shouldn't we get a say in whether or not we have to hear OUR OWN voices?
Dad is utterly selfish and has decided that because he spends so little time with me I must talk to him constantly. I don't have that much to say normally. Let alone when I never want to speak again! And I can't even talk quietly because he's stupidly deaf!
The rest of my family don't have a clue. So I have to talk to them as well.
My friends are constantly trying to convince me to talk and so are the others at school. They. Just. Don't. Get. It.
The teachers, like my family, couldn't even be approached with the idea of me not talking. It's the same at work. Even random strangers expect me to talk!
Why is it so inconceivable that a 15 year old girl would one day decide not to talk?? It's not like anyone on the internet is even remotely helpful either!! If you look up ways to destroy your vocal cords, you get lots of people wanting to and loads of others saying "why would you want to do that?" and having a go at the people! The only way I can find is surgery. AT 15 I CAN'T AFFORD THAT!!!!
No-one, absolutely no-one seems to understand voluntary muteness and no-one will help you find out how to become a physical mute. It's ridiculous! Why is the whole world so against it? It's OUR voice and OUR choice! Thousand of people have died so that we have the free will to make these kinds of choices. But does anyone respect them? No! Why shouldn't we get a say in whether or not we have to hear OUR OWN voices?
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
I Wish
There are many ways that making a wish is meant to come true. On shooting stars, pennies in fountains, 10 past 10 on the 10th day of the 10th month 2010, wishbones, prayer, those dandelion things etc etc. I've tried most of these. It never came true. So I have given up believing. Actually I gave up believing a long time ago. But I still wish, just in an offhand way. I never mean it and never expect it to come true. So these aren't wishes as such. More fantasies merely phrased as wishes.
I wish I could get 100% in all my GCSE exams this year and therefore get A*s for everything. I wish I could be the smartest in the year and live up to all dads expectations. I wish I could focus in class and work hard without getting so distracted. I wish I could take an interest in all of my subjects.
I wish I could like myself better. I wish my hair was longer and darker. I wish I looked like Amy Lee. I wish I had a smaller waist and thinner legs. I wish my eyes were a prettier colour. I wish girls would look at me and be as jealous of me as I am of them. I wish I didn't get jealous and/or angry as easily and as often as I do. I wish I was a nicer person. I wish I didn't cringe at the sound of my own voice. I wish I was more patient. I wish I could have the strength to follow my wishes rather than those of my dad. I wish I was a gentler person, or unafraid to rebel like I want to so much. I wish every single aspect of my personality and looks would improve a hundredfold.
I wish I could take back all the stupid things I've said. I wish I could remember to think before speaking. I wish I could produce witty comebacks, funny jokes and pithy insults on the spot.
I wish I had the talent to become a best selling author. I wish I could sing. I wish I could play guitar. I wish that in a fight, if it came to it I could kick arse. I wish I could run at vampiric speed. I wish I had psychic powers.
I wish I will get into a good sixth form and then a brilliant (foreign) university. I wish I will work for RockSound as my day job but write stories on the side that publishers will have no delay in publishing because they're so fantastic that the public needs them ASAP. I wish I will live my life in Sweden.
I wish I had friends over in this town that I could trust. I wish that I was more self confident. I wish people wouldn't try to walk over me or treat me like shit. I wish I was good enough for my family to be proud of. I wish that I didn't have such high walls between me and the world. I wish I didn't feel the instinctual need to hole away in my room rather than socialising, so I can't get hurt and then getting jealous of those that go out. I wish I was friends with the people I will never gather the confidence to talk to.
If I'm perfectly honest, I wish I was someone else.
Most of these wishes are impossible. But I suppose it can't hurt to write them down. Then I can look at what I want from life and try to achieve the more realistic of them. And attempt to forget the impossible. I think that writing down your wishes every so often can help make your life better because it reminds you of where your heading. And this is the life I'm working towards (somehow).
I wish I could get 100% in all my GCSE exams this year and therefore get A*s for everything. I wish I could be the smartest in the year and live up to all dads expectations. I wish I could focus in class and work hard without getting so distracted. I wish I could take an interest in all of my subjects.
I wish I could like myself better. I wish my hair was longer and darker. I wish I looked like Amy Lee. I wish I had a smaller waist and thinner legs. I wish my eyes were a prettier colour. I wish girls would look at me and be as jealous of me as I am of them. I wish I didn't get jealous and/or angry as easily and as often as I do. I wish I was a nicer person. I wish I didn't cringe at the sound of my own voice. I wish I was more patient. I wish I could have the strength to follow my wishes rather than those of my dad. I wish I was a gentler person, or unafraid to rebel like I want to so much. I wish every single aspect of my personality and looks would improve a hundredfold.
I wish I could take back all the stupid things I've said. I wish I could remember to think before speaking. I wish I could produce witty comebacks, funny jokes and pithy insults on the spot.
I wish I had the talent to become a best selling author. I wish I could sing. I wish I could play guitar. I wish that in a fight, if it came to it I could kick arse. I wish I could run at vampiric speed. I wish I had psychic powers.
I wish I will get into a good sixth form and then a brilliant (foreign) university. I wish I will work for RockSound as my day job but write stories on the side that publishers will have no delay in publishing because they're so fantastic that the public needs them ASAP. I wish I will live my life in Sweden.
I wish I had friends over in this town that I could trust. I wish that I was more self confident. I wish people wouldn't try to walk over me or treat me like shit. I wish I was good enough for my family to be proud of. I wish that I didn't have such high walls between me and the world. I wish I didn't feel the instinctual need to hole away in my room rather than socialising, so I can't get hurt and then getting jealous of those that go out. I wish I was friends with the people I will never gather the confidence to talk to.
If I'm perfectly honest, I wish I was someone else.
Most of these wishes are impossible. But I suppose it can't hurt to write them down. Then I can look at what I want from life and try to achieve the more realistic of them. And attempt to forget the impossible. I think that writing down your wishes every so often can help make your life better because it reminds you of where your heading. And this is the life I'm working towards (somehow).
Monday, 10 October 2011
Parents Evening :s
It's parents evening on Wednesday (today being Monday) and I'm slightly afraid. I haven't been as good as I could have been. Whilst I've improved in English, my teacher doesn't care and seems to like picking on me. My French teacher loves me and I pay attention in her lesson (or so she thinks. Really I'm eating). So it should be all good from her. My history teacher likes me and I was top of the class last year and only let myself down in the actual exam by only getting an A while total nerds were getting full marks. I still come out with very good points in class although I don't get a chance to say them that often because I'm very patient whilst a certain person in her class always feels the need to shout out her opinion over everyone elses.
In Chemistry I once got caught passing notes and miss found pages of them. I am still counting my lucky stars that she didn't read them! One part was a rather unflattering bit about my other science teacher. I also sit next to someone who's very talkative. Sometimes I give in to temptation at the worst of times ...
In biology I am one of the 95% of the class that doesn't listen because our teacher is so boring. But I'm not sure he has noticed that. So long as I provide the right answers it's all OK.
My geography teacher is new and I've been relatively quiet in his lessons so he can't have anything bad to report about me. Unless he mentions about that last mock exam if I didn't do very well on it (which I don't know yet).
My subject I'm most worried about is maths. Today I got the idea for a hate poem - not based on anyone. Just an attempt to write one. Miss caught me and read it. She asked who it was and I told her the truth but she didn't seem convinced. I promised not to do it again. But she has also caught me and my friends playing word association in class. And my work probably isn't the greatest.
This doesn't sound too bad. Except I had a gigantic argument with my dad the other day and education is his biggest priority for my life. He's always whinging at me that I'm not doing well enough and always giving me the same useless, unwanted advice over and over again. I got bad feedback once in year 2 from parents evening. There's a reason I've never done it again. If I get it bad this year, I don't want to see him until I've finished all my exams! Then he won't be able to tell me off about them. I'm terrified of not being enough. And that poem may have mentioned killing people. Miss really wasn't impressed. Fingers crossed that all goes smoothly ....
In Chemistry I once got caught passing notes and miss found pages of them. I am still counting my lucky stars that she didn't read them! One part was a rather unflattering bit about my other science teacher. I also sit next to someone who's very talkative. Sometimes I give in to temptation at the worst of times ...
In biology I am one of the 95% of the class that doesn't listen because our teacher is so boring. But I'm not sure he has noticed that. So long as I provide the right answers it's all OK.
My geography teacher is new and I've been relatively quiet in his lessons so he can't have anything bad to report about me. Unless he mentions about that last mock exam if I didn't do very well on it (which I don't know yet).
My subject I'm most worried about is maths. Today I got the idea for a hate poem - not based on anyone. Just an attempt to write one. Miss caught me and read it. She asked who it was and I told her the truth but she didn't seem convinced. I promised not to do it again. But she has also caught me and my friends playing word association in class. And my work probably isn't the greatest.
This doesn't sound too bad. Except I had a gigantic argument with my dad the other day and education is his biggest priority for my life. He's always whinging at me that I'm not doing well enough and always giving me the same useless, unwanted advice over and over again. I got bad feedback once in year 2 from parents evening. There's a reason I've never done it again. If I get it bad this year, I don't want to see him until I've finished all my exams! Then he won't be able to tell me off about them. I'm terrified of not being enough. And that poem may have mentioned killing people. Miss really wasn't impressed. Fingers crossed that all goes smoothly ....
Wednesday, 5 October 2011
Me
I got a message from a random person who had discovered my e-mail address through here. From what they saw on here they decided I'm a teenage girl who's a bit rude judging by my use of language in my description bit. So I thought that to avoid any confusion, I would explain some things about me.
1. I seem to have some very bad anger problems. Sometimes I get so angry I scare myself. I have, in the past, genuinely wanted to make someones life so miserable they commit suicide. That was the scariest moment of my life. I know I should get some sort of help but I have my reasons for not doing so. So my blog is, mostly a way to vent. This causes some strong language - and not just swearing. Compared to what's in my head though, this is all very mild. I don't know any words to describe or satisfy the rage that sometimes possesses me.
2. I don't have a clue who I am. I don't understand the mental, emotional and physical changes to me over the past - however long it's been. I don't understand other people. I don't understand the world. I don't understand anything that happens anymore. This confusion, if allowed to be noticed and therefore overwhelm me, leads to tears and/or anger. I prefer anger. Hence the apparently offensive comment about "[figuring] out what the fuck is going on".
3. I seem to have a lack of communication between my brain and my mouth. I can talk but I never say what I mean. I never manage to find the right words, I can't think fast enough and I can't make myself understood. And so, over the years, I have turned more and more to writing - mainly my diary and creative writing. And I've discovered that apart from my spelling, when I write words don't abandon me like they do when I talk, they work with me in a way that continues to amaze me. This is why in my blog I am a lot more honest and upfront than I am in real life, I can be more myself. Especially with the added benefit of doing this so that no-one I meet in real life will find me (I really hope)
4. I don't actually have anyone I can trust. Every time I begin to trust someone, I find out I can't trust them or they disappear from my life due to various circumstances. I keep going to trust people. Just with small details. Things that won't make a difference. And those little things slowly get bigger. Simply because I want to trust. And now I recognise that, I can cut myself off before I cause any major damage. But there isn't anyone in my life that I can talk to about anything. Which means that with my diary and my blog, I'm trusting paper/strangers. Because that's all I've got.
5. I have many contradicting personality traits. So whatever you think I am like, that is only one side to me. There is so much more than that. This is why I'm so confused about who I am. Even when I'm being completely and utterly honest, unless I wrote down every thought, you would never truly understand me. You still only get a fragment of my personality.
6. I'm 15 years old and have grown up in Harlow. You're lucky I'm as polite, well mannered, calm, kind and non-sluttish as I am.
7. I'm actually in quite a bad mood right now (thanks to the whole trust thing). So my responses to that shall be left unsaid in order to not prove their point.
1. I seem to have some very bad anger problems. Sometimes I get so angry I scare myself. I have, in the past, genuinely wanted to make someones life so miserable they commit suicide. That was the scariest moment of my life. I know I should get some sort of help but I have my reasons for not doing so. So my blog is, mostly a way to vent. This causes some strong language - and not just swearing. Compared to what's in my head though, this is all very mild. I don't know any words to describe or satisfy the rage that sometimes possesses me.
2. I don't have a clue who I am. I don't understand the mental, emotional and physical changes to me over the past - however long it's been. I don't understand other people. I don't understand the world. I don't understand anything that happens anymore. This confusion, if allowed to be noticed and therefore overwhelm me, leads to tears and/or anger. I prefer anger. Hence the apparently offensive comment about "[figuring] out what the fuck is going on".
3. I seem to have a lack of communication between my brain and my mouth. I can talk but I never say what I mean. I never manage to find the right words, I can't think fast enough and I can't make myself understood. And so, over the years, I have turned more and more to writing - mainly my diary and creative writing. And I've discovered that apart from my spelling, when I write words don't abandon me like they do when I talk, they work with me in a way that continues to amaze me. This is why in my blog I am a lot more honest and upfront than I am in real life, I can be more myself. Especially with the added benefit of doing this so that no-one I meet in real life will find me (I really hope)
4. I don't actually have anyone I can trust. Every time I begin to trust someone, I find out I can't trust them or they disappear from my life due to various circumstances. I keep going to trust people. Just with small details. Things that won't make a difference. And those little things slowly get bigger. Simply because I want to trust. And now I recognise that, I can cut myself off before I cause any major damage. But there isn't anyone in my life that I can talk to about anything. Which means that with my diary and my blog, I'm trusting paper/strangers. Because that's all I've got.
5. I have many contradicting personality traits. So whatever you think I am like, that is only one side to me. There is so much more than that. This is why I'm so confused about who I am. Even when I'm being completely and utterly honest, unless I wrote down every thought, you would never truly understand me. You still only get a fragment of my personality.
6. I'm 15 years old and have grown up in Harlow. You're lucky I'm as polite, well mannered, calm, kind and non-sluttish as I am.
7. I'm actually in quite a bad mood right now (thanks to the whole trust thing). So my responses to that shall be left unsaid in order to not prove their point.
Monday, 3 October 2011
Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall ...
So I look into the mirror and, since none of you know me, you would never believe what I see there. Standing on the other side of the glass, staring back at me is a thing that you can only just tell is human. The hair is the worst hair I have ever seen. I wonder how it's possible for hair to look like that. It's like it was just stuck on and just lays there, dead. And it suits the face less than a mankini would suit Terry Wogan. Eyes are generally a beautiful thing but these don't deserve to be called eyes at all. They're oddly shaped and dull in colour. The nose is too wide, the eyelashes barely existent, the eyebrows a fucked up shape, far too thick and practically a giant furry caterpillar above each eye. The mouth is badly shaped and can't be made to look good at all. The cheeks and chin are just plain fat. The body is oddly proportioned and all wrong. The arms, although slender are too long for the body but too short for a person, the height of the person is too tall to be a dwarf and too short to be a regular human, leaving her somewhere grossly in between. The stomach has more flab on it than Susan Boyle. The chest is almost microscopic. The legs are short and stumpy and wobble they're so fat.
But I can tell straightaway that the girl in the mirror is more than just her looks. She's also that girl that always says the wrong thing, that thinks she's so smart but clearly isn't, the girl who talks too loud with that ridiculously high pitched and irritating voice. She's the girl who tries so hard to stand out and be different from everyone else, even spending £140 on boots that no-one else wears but everyone loved only to find so many other people wearing them. This is a girl who fails at everything she does. She tries to comfort herself about her awful looks and awful voice by telling herself that she can always make up for it with her personality. But she can't, she's bitchy and judgemental with an awful temper. She's the worlds worst hypocrite and is infallibly rude to anyone who annoys her, and that takes ever so little. She's selfish and, when push comes to shove, will always put herself before others. She is all talk and never does what she says. She believes all the time that she's so wonderful but is proved wrong time and time again. She gets jealous of people who are fucked up - and what kind of selfish cow does that!? She says it's because she "complains all the time although she has nothing to complain about and they do" but that's bullshit. Everyone can see that she just wants the attention, she lives off the attention. And she slags off the other people who do because they do it in a way she doesn't like. All she wants is too be loved. But she's such a hateful creature that even she can't love herself. Everyone who encounters her is forced to loathe her.
She has one last line of defense. It doesn't matter who she is or what she's like, she can always hide behind her writing. After all, that should give her a purpose. And she's talented at that right? Well no. If you're reading this and/or have read any other posts on this blog you will see that she is an awful writer and could never use that as her life.
So what does that leave her? A lost and talentless, ugly nobody with no purpose, no reason to live and no-one to care? Is there anything for her in this world? Is there any point in her being here at all? My guess is that she has nothing to look forward to but the end.
But I can tell straightaway that the girl in the mirror is more than just her looks. She's also that girl that always says the wrong thing, that thinks she's so smart but clearly isn't, the girl who talks too loud with that ridiculously high pitched and irritating voice. She's the girl who tries so hard to stand out and be different from everyone else, even spending £140 on boots that no-one else wears but everyone loved only to find so many other people wearing them. This is a girl who fails at everything she does. She tries to comfort herself about her awful looks and awful voice by telling herself that she can always make up for it with her personality. But she can't, she's bitchy and judgemental with an awful temper. She's the worlds worst hypocrite and is infallibly rude to anyone who annoys her, and that takes ever so little. She's selfish and, when push comes to shove, will always put herself before others. She is all talk and never does what she says. She believes all the time that she's so wonderful but is proved wrong time and time again. She gets jealous of people who are fucked up - and what kind of selfish cow does that!? She says it's because she "complains all the time although she has nothing to complain about and they do" but that's bullshit. Everyone can see that she just wants the attention, she lives off the attention. And she slags off the other people who do because they do it in a way she doesn't like. All she wants is too be loved. But she's such a hateful creature that even she can't love herself. Everyone who encounters her is forced to loathe her.
She has one last line of defense. It doesn't matter who she is or what she's like, she can always hide behind her writing. After all, that should give her a purpose. And she's talented at that right? Well no. If you're reading this and/or have read any other posts on this blog you will see that she is an awful writer and could never use that as her life.
So what does that leave her? A lost and talentless, ugly nobody with no purpose, no reason to live and no-one to care? Is there anything for her in this world? Is there any point in her being here at all? My guess is that she has nothing to look forward to but the end.
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
Guardian Angels Of School
I get bored in class. A lot. And today I began coming up with these little angels that help you at school. You have to draw your own - everyone has a different one. So longas they have a humanoid figure, wings and a halo, they're fine. Apart from that, they can look however you want. They help you in class and with homework and in tests and stuff. You want to name them whatever you want to: to make them more unique.
I only came up with the ones from my lessons today and what they do and stuff, so here they are (because I thought it was too weird an idea to keep to myself):
Science
My science angel is called Scientia. She knows all there is to know about science and tells you all the answers. She watches over your experiments with the specific purpose of making sure you get the right results and no accidents (like spilling corosive acid or setting fire to yourself/something highly flammable) happen. She also helps you remember everything and makes sure your diagrams look as if an artist drew them.
Maths
My maths angel is called Tangeria. She tells you all the answers and helps you remember how to work them out. She can find the answer faster than a calculator and knows the value of Pi to 9,999,999,999 decimal places. She can even make algebra and geometry make sense to those who find 2+2 difficult.
Break
My break angel is called Fona. She can mute the voice of a teacher, keep you entertained in class and make great conversation. She also provides exciting new daydreams and brilliant tasting food.
French
My French angel is called Gaula. She can give you the vocab of someone who's spoken French their whole lives and help you with spelling, pronounciation and understanding of written and spoken of French words. You will never be unable to use or understand a word again.
Geography
My geography angel is called Airtha. She also gives you all the answers and of course, knows everything there is to know about geography. She can play holographic films in front of you to make it easier to learn and knows all the details of every possible case study. Also, she makes your diagrams look like those of an artist.
English
This angel is called Iland. She improves your vocabulary, helps with spelling and handwriting. She notices and remembers all those details needed for English Lit - imagry and things. She can show you a hologram of the place and time where the book or play is set and give you information about this time. And she has read every book in existance.
Utterly shit but the proof of how bored I get in class.
I only came up with the ones from my lessons today and what they do and stuff, so here they are (because I thought it was too weird an idea to keep to myself):
Science
My science angel is called Scientia. She knows all there is to know about science and tells you all the answers. She watches over your experiments with the specific purpose of making sure you get the right results and no accidents (like spilling corosive acid or setting fire to yourself/something highly flammable) happen. She also helps you remember everything and makes sure your diagrams look as if an artist drew them.
Maths
My maths angel is called Tangeria. She tells you all the answers and helps you remember how to work them out. She can find the answer faster than a calculator and knows the value of Pi to 9,999,999,999 decimal places. She can even make algebra and geometry make sense to those who find 2+2 difficult.
Break
My break angel is called Fona. She can mute the voice of a teacher, keep you entertained in class and make great conversation. She also provides exciting new daydreams and brilliant tasting food.
French
My French angel is called Gaula. She can give you the vocab of someone who's spoken French their whole lives and help you with spelling, pronounciation and understanding of written and spoken of French words. You will never be unable to use or understand a word again.
Geography
My geography angel is called Airtha. She also gives you all the answers and of course, knows everything there is to know about geography. She can play holographic films in front of you to make it easier to learn and knows all the details of every possible case study. Also, she makes your diagrams look like those of an artist.
English
This angel is called Iland. She improves your vocabulary, helps with spelling and handwriting. She notices and remembers all those details needed for English Lit - imagry and things. She can show you a hologram of the place and time where the book or play is set and give you information about this time. And she has read every book in existance.
Utterly shit but the proof of how bored I get in class.
Monday, 26 September 2011
Essex
If you live in England, then on Thursdays at 9 o' clock you can watch Educating Essex on channel 4. This is a documentary about how awful the students are in Essex. The featured school is Passmores in Harlow. I don't to Passmores but I do live in Essex.
For those of you who haven't seen it, last week focused on two girls. One, Charlotte, was on her mobile in class and was basically a rude bitch. The teachers were unbelievably soft. Despite Amelie's complaints about how awful they are. At my school, we're meant to hand our phones into the office. Only the year 7s do and the teachers know that. But we keep them on silent and try not to be too obvious if we text people. Because if we get caught with them the teachers have to confiscate them and then we have to get our parents to come and get it back.
The second girl, Carmelita, falsely accused a teacher of assault. She was suspended for a couple of weeks. We would be thrown out. Permanently.
Next week it features a guy called Sam being a prick. I used to fancy him actually. But I do seem to have the worlds worst taste in guys. I'm getting smarter though ;)
As well as this negative spotlight on our shitty little chavvy county, there is The Only Way Is Essex. I have never seen it. But it portrays all the stereotypes of Essex.
I'm sorry to say this, but in a way, it's very true. If I told you about half the girls in my school you would be in shock. And we're one of the best schools in the town. Having both braincells and morals, I'm a bit of a novelty. Which they see as bad.
I'm in my last year of compulsory education. After this, it's off to do my A-levels and then to university. My grades are rarely below a B and normally above and I rarely get into trouble. I'm part of the Fairtrade group at school. My Saturday mornings are spent doing volunteer work. I speak English rather than Chav, I don't feel the need to be orange and I give a shit about other people. Normally getting into university shouldn't be too hard.
But as they get pickier and pickier it gets harder and harder. I'll never make it into the top universities, but I'll still try. And I should be able to make it somewhere.
But what if they take one look at where I come from and decide not to let me in? What if they refuse to take a chance on me because people are slagging us off so badly and so often? What if for the rest of my life I'm haunted by that stereotype?
So thanks TV companies. Try sharing the criticism out a bit? Then no-one can be truly looked down upon. And to be perfectly honest, your ideas suck. You're really running out of ideas. There are other ways to provide entertainment. You have a thing called an imagination. Use it.
For those of you who haven't seen it, last week focused on two girls. One, Charlotte, was on her mobile in class and was basically a rude bitch. The teachers were unbelievably soft. Despite Amelie's complaints about how awful they are. At my school, we're meant to hand our phones into the office. Only the year 7s do and the teachers know that. But we keep them on silent and try not to be too obvious if we text people. Because if we get caught with them the teachers have to confiscate them and then we have to get our parents to come and get it back.
The second girl, Carmelita, falsely accused a teacher of assault. She was suspended for a couple of weeks. We would be thrown out. Permanently.
Next week it features a guy called Sam being a prick. I used to fancy him actually. But I do seem to have the worlds worst taste in guys. I'm getting smarter though ;)
As well as this negative spotlight on our shitty little chavvy county, there is The Only Way Is Essex. I have never seen it. But it portrays all the stereotypes of Essex.
I'm sorry to say this, but in a way, it's very true. If I told you about half the girls in my school you would be in shock. And we're one of the best schools in the town. Having both braincells and morals, I'm a bit of a novelty. Which they see as bad.
I'm in my last year of compulsory education. After this, it's off to do my A-levels and then to university. My grades are rarely below a B and normally above and I rarely get into trouble. I'm part of the Fairtrade group at school. My Saturday mornings are spent doing volunteer work. I speak English rather than Chav, I don't feel the need to be orange and I give a shit about other people. Normally getting into university shouldn't be too hard.
But as they get pickier and pickier it gets harder and harder. I'll never make it into the top universities, but I'll still try. And I should be able to make it somewhere.
But what if they take one look at where I come from and decide not to let me in? What if they refuse to take a chance on me because people are slagging us off so badly and so often? What if for the rest of my life I'm haunted by that stereotype?
So thanks TV companies. Try sharing the criticism out a bit? Then no-one can be truly looked down upon. And to be perfectly honest, your ideas suck. You're really running out of ideas. There are other ways to provide entertainment. You have a thing called an imagination. Use it.
Thursday, 15 September 2011
Lets Pretend
Dear Diary,
Today was an actually good day. I woke up incredibly happy to find the sunlight streaming in through the window, lighting my room in a golden haze. I wasn't rushed at all to get to school. I got there at the same time as my best friend. She's everything you could ask for in a best friend. And I know I've said that before but I mean it this time - she's real, not a backstabber like all the others.
My first lesson was music - I'm learning a new song on guitar. I wrote the song myself, it's all emo and shit. The lyrics are for self harmers - something they need to hear. It's written directly to the audience. My teacher was listening to it, with me singing along as well, and there were actual tears in his eyes. He told me that I'm the most talented lyricist, singer and guitar player he has ever heard.
My second lesson was journalism. I wrote this amazing review of a couple of new Cd's and came up with a wonderfully creative and utterly fascinating interview of our new head teacher. Including such things as her view on religion, our school ethos and teenagers. She's actually a really great head. I'm so glad we got her.
After break was Swedish. I am so going to get an A* in my GCSE. I can hold a whole conversation with a fluent Swedish speaker. I'm going to do great when I move out there. After all, there isn't any doubt that I can.
Fourth was Creative Writing. I was working on my novel. It's going fantastically. I had a class member read over it. When they came to the end they were severely disappointed. They hadn't wanted it to end. And they were nothing like the main character but it was so well written they identified with her completely and understood all her emotions even though they would never feel the same in such a situation.
At lunch time I had so much fun. Me and my friends were being stupid and just messing around. I was crying with laughter. And I was considered by far the funniest. Laughing with me though, rather than at me like they have done for so long. It's good to be accepted again.
My last lesson was a free period. So I went home early. Once home I got changed so that I can go to London with my friends for the night. It's going to be so much fun.
And guess what? For the whole day the following have been non existent:
- Low self esteem (after all, I am pretty amazing. I'm fucking gorgeous, I'm really smart and socially I'm just the best)
- The urge to cut myself (I don't need it)
- Irritating people taking the piss out of me
- Jealousy of anyone and everyone
- The wish for a wonderful, but currently non-existent boyfriend
- The wish for a true friend I can trust
- Anger
- Hatred
Oh yeah, one part is true, sorry - I went to school
Today was an actually good day. I woke up incredibly happy to find the sunlight streaming in through the window, lighting my room in a golden haze. I wasn't rushed at all to get to school. I got there at the same time as my best friend. She's everything you could ask for in a best friend. And I know I've said that before but I mean it this time - she's real, not a backstabber like all the others.
My first lesson was music - I'm learning a new song on guitar. I wrote the song myself, it's all emo and shit. The lyrics are for self harmers - something they need to hear. It's written directly to the audience. My teacher was listening to it, with me singing along as well, and there were actual tears in his eyes. He told me that I'm the most talented lyricist, singer and guitar player he has ever heard.
My second lesson was journalism. I wrote this amazing review of a couple of new Cd's and came up with a wonderfully creative and utterly fascinating interview of our new head teacher. Including such things as her view on religion, our school ethos and teenagers. She's actually a really great head. I'm so glad we got her.
After break was Swedish. I am so going to get an A* in my GCSE. I can hold a whole conversation with a fluent Swedish speaker. I'm going to do great when I move out there. After all, there isn't any doubt that I can.
Fourth was Creative Writing. I was working on my novel. It's going fantastically. I had a class member read over it. When they came to the end they were severely disappointed. They hadn't wanted it to end. And they were nothing like the main character but it was so well written they identified with her completely and understood all her emotions even though they would never feel the same in such a situation.
At lunch time I had so much fun. Me and my friends were being stupid and just messing around. I was crying with laughter. And I was considered by far the funniest. Laughing with me though, rather than at me like they have done for so long. It's good to be accepted again.
My last lesson was a free period. So I went home early. Once home I got changed so that I can go to London with my friends for the night. It's going to be so much fun.
And guess what? For the whole day the following have been non existent:
- Low self esteem (after all, I am pretty amazing. I'm fucking gorgeous, I'm really smart and socially I'm just the best)
- The urge to cut myself (I don't need it)
- Irritating people taking the piss out of me
- Jealousy of anyone and everyone
- The wish for a wonderful, but currently non-existent boyfriend
- The wish for a true friend I can trust
- Anger
- Hatred
Oh yeah, one part is true, sorry - I went to school
Tuesday, 6 September 2011
Dear Marzena
Dear Marzena,
I've complained about you a lot over the past few months. I've bitched about you when I couldn't hold it in, I've written blog entries about how much I hate you, I've written in my diary about you. But I'm writing this letter/blog in the hope it's the last one. Because in a way I am saying what I think to you and as soon as each thought is typed it can be set free and I can move on. I hope.
Amelie believes that Ganika made up what she told me. She is inclined to believe that because she trusts you and doesn't like Ganika. I, on the other hand, trust Ganika and have seen you at your worst. Amelie doesn't yet realise that I don't trust her. And that I never will. She doesn't know the pain I felt whenever you two would bitch about me and then we'd fight. That was your biggest mistake, because I know you stirred up all those arguments. You would lie to us and twist things. I cried because of something you started. And you have no idea what it takes to make me cry.
You knew about my self harm. Because back then I trusted you. Telling everyone and using Amelie and Archie as a threat to get me to stop was plain pathetic.
Especially when, looking back, you were the root cause of almost every cut I made. I stopped before because I didn't need to do it. Now I'm tempted to carry on. But something always stops me. And I'm fairly sure that something is the knowledge that you caused it. And your control over my emotions is growing weaker. I will not let it get back to how it was.
I'm glad that because of me, you couldn't go to Iceland. I'm sorry we ended up stopping everyone else from going by dropping out. But I am so fucking glad you didn't get to do something that amazing. Anything that makes you suffer in any way at all is good as far as I'm concerned. I genuinely hope that your life gets so bad - even with small things - that you commit suicide :D - the point being, you caused me not to be able to go. So I think that's poetic justice really :D
As for you telling me how I should have done things at the end of my relationship with Toby - you have NEVER been in a relationship. Understandably, you're ugly and a bitch. But I'm getting distracted by insults. What I meant to say was that you haven't been there. You don't know what it's like. When you have done it, when have been in that situation - then, and only then, do you have the right to tell me how I should have done it. And after I said that bit about hating exes to Eva and you told me to shut up because I'd never had that - kind of hypocritical.
When I came back from Paris I was quite close to Jack. You ruined that. You got all flirty around him and so I felt all pathetic and crap. And so I couldn't feel comfortable hanging around with him. You ruined that friendship. You ruined my friendship with Amelie. And the last set of arguments you caused ruined my friendship with all the others. I can't trust Ganika, Scarlett or Amisha properly because they've met you and you might turn them against me. Like you did with everyone else. The three people I feel closest to, you have never met. In fact, because of you, I can't trust anyone. I'm constantly wondering if they're secretly stabbing me in the back like you did.
I've written all I can currently think of. And no, I don't feel better. And I think everyone else has forgotten what you did and moved on but I haven't. You really fucked me over emotionally. And I'm going to bear the physical and psychological scars for the rest of my life. I can't forgive you - you did too much and it cut too deep. I haven't set anything free. Yet again, I can't seem to get my thoughts organised enough to write the true extent of what you did to me. All I can say is, I don't want you dead anymore. I want you to suffer really badly. I want you to pay for everything you have done to me.
And you know what, this isn't me! I don't bear grudges like that. I don't want anyone to suffer. I forgive. I let people have a second chance. I try to see the best in them. This is just the start of the side effects of what you've done.
So congratulations. You've fucked me up, ruined my mental health and emotional stability and caused me so much pain, nothing will get me over it. Are you happy now?
Jezabel
I've complained about you a lot over the past few months. I've bitched about you when I couldn't hold it in, I've written blog entries about how much I hate you, I've written in my diary about you. But I'm writing this letter/blog in the hope it's the last one. Because in a way I am saying what I think to you and as soon as each thought is typed it can be set free and I can move on. I hope.
Amelie believes that Ganika made up what she told me. She is inclined to believe that because she trusts you and doesn't like Ganika. I, on the other hand, trust Ganika and have seen you at your worst. Amelie doesn't yet realise that I don't trust her. And that I never will. She doesn't know the pain I felt whenever you two would bitch about me and then we'd fight. That was your biggest mistake, because I know you stirred up all those arguments. You would lie to us and twist things. I cried because of something you started. And you have no idea what it takes to make me cry.
You knew about my self harm. Because back then I trusted you. Telling everyone and using Amelie and Archie as a threat to get me to stop was plain pathetic.
Especially when, looking back, you were the root cause of almost every cut I made. I stopped before because I didn't need to do it. Now I'm tempted to carry on. But something always stops me. And I'm fairly sure that something is the knowledge that you caused it. And your control over my emotions is growing weaker. I will not let it get back to how it was.
I'm glad that because of me, you couldn't go to Iceland. I'm sorry we ended up stopping everyone else from going by dropping out. But I am so fucking glad you didn't get to do something that amazing. Anything that makes you suffer in any way at all is good as far as I'm concerned. I genuinely hope that your life gets so bad - even with small things - that you commit suicide :D - the point being, you caused me not to be able to go. So I think that's poetic justice really :D
As for you telling me how I should have done things at the end of my relationship with Toby - you have NEVER been in a relationship. Understandably, you're ugly and a bitch. But I'm getting distracted by insults. What I meant to say was that you haven't been there. You don't know what it's like. When you have done it, when have been in that situation - then, and only then, do you have the right to tell me how I should have done it. And after I said that bit about hating exes to Eva and you told me to shut up because I'd never had that - kind of hypocritical.
When I came back from Paris I was quite close to Jack. You ruined that. You got all flirty around him and so I felt all pathetic and crap. And so I couldn't feel comfortable hanging around with him. You ruined that friendship. You ruined my friendship with Amelie. And the last set of arguments you caused ruined my friendship with all the others. I can't trust Ganika, Scarlett or Amisha properly because they've met you and you might turn them against me. Like you did with everyone else. The three people I feel closest to, you have never met. In fact, because of you, I can't trust anyone. I'm constantly wondering if they're secretly stabbing me in the back like you did.
I've written all I can currently think of. And no, I don't feel better. And I think everyone else has forgotten what you did and moved on but I haven't. You really fucked me over emotionally. And I'm going to bear the physical and psychological scars for the rest of my life. I can't forgive you - you did too much and it cut too deep. I haven't set anything free. Yet again, I can't seem to get my thoughts organised enough to write the true extent of what you did to me. All I can say is, I don't want you dead anymore. I want you to suffer really badly. I want you to pay for everything you have done to me.
And you know what, this isn't me! I don't bear grudges like that. I don't want anyone to suffer. I forgive. I let people have a second chance. I try to see the best in them. This is just the start of the side effects of what you've done.
So congratulations. You've fucked me up, ruined my mental health and emotional stability and caused me so much pain, nothing will get me over it. Are you happy now?
Jezabel
Friday, 2 September 2011
Another Attempt To Tell You About My Holiday
I've always loved reading stories set in far off fantasy realms. I've always loved writing about adventures far more exciting than anything I'll ever see. So for my life to be this boring is the worst possible curse!
Which is why writing about my holiday is great for me. In my diaries I have often compared my life to a story, but the most boring story ever written. So my holiday is all I have that is interesting and real that I can write about. Some of you may have noticed I tried before. But I deleted those blog entries because I went about them all wrong. All my friends on Interpals have asked about it and I can tell then without being bored by the subject, so clearly I needed to write this in a different way.
Here is my new attempt.
The boat was amazing. I have never been anywhere like it. It was huge and the luxury was like nothing I have ever had before. They came to clean our rooms out and make our beds twice a day! They had live music at dinner and in the lobby like area. A lot of people looked down on me but I didn't care. A lot of people didn't. A lot of people complimented me and asked where I got my boots from. I made friends on the boat. Only one of which I have any means of communication with now. His name is Leo and he was really friendly. He reminds me of someone in my town actually. But I'm not sure why. I feel comfortable talking to him and I trust him far more than is safe for me to trust someone I have actually met. Out of all the friends I made he was my favourite. It was easy to talk to him, unlike the others.
I spent most of my free time out on deck. By the pool if I wanted to find people and it was sunny, by the pool but under shelter if it was raining or really windy and I wanted to find someone or write in my diary without the pages being blown everywhere or soaked. Or I would go up a deck and stand in the wind where there were no other people when I wanted to be by myself. Dinner was the only time I really spent with my dad when we were on the ship because he stuck to our cabin the rest of the time. The food at dinner was very posh and I didn't eat that much. I preferred the buffet but even then it was a struggle for me to eat. However our waitress at the restaurant was really cheerful and friendly. She would stand around and talk to us. She was absolutely lovely. We sat on a table where it was just the two of us, unlike on others where you were sat with strangers. Behind me sat a man we nicknamed "Brick", watch Outnumbered if you don't understand why. We never spoke to this man and he has no clue of our nickname for him. But it just fitted so well. We got a good view of the people below us. One table had a very fat woman with gigantic boobs and low cut tops, so every time we looked down, that was what we saw of her. Their child would have a plate of chips and a bottle of ketchup with his dinner and would sit and play on his DS throughout the meal. Which irritated me even from the floor above because my parents have spent a long time trying to force to me to sit at the dinner table with nothing to do but talk/watch the DVD we put on. I hated leaving my book or DS behind, but it's considered rude to bring them to the table. So why should this kid be allowed to sit and do that. In your own home is one thing, but when your out? The dad was bald, possibly by choice. And there was a conversation on our table about if we threw butter at his head would it stick or slide off? On a nearby table was a very gorgeous guy (near the table I described I mean) who seemed to be with his girlfriend. She was one of those ever-so-perfect people that I just want to throttle. Admittedly, admiring this seriously hot guy did cause me to knock over my coke in my failure to pay attention to what I was doing though.
The countries themselves were very far from what I expected.
Copenhagen didn't seem that great to me. They had a lot of statues of elephants. Some of them were really awesome. They had lots of statues of other things too. Their royal palace was beautiful from the outside but dark and dingy inside. Their guard people that we saw outside a parliament building turned their face behind their rifles when we went to take a picture. Which led to comments when we had got away about how our special forces get taught how to pixelate their faces, partly thought up thanks to Top Gear when they go to the North Pole. Their shopping centre was very far away and had shops that I would find in the town centre at home. We didn't find much else to do.
Stockholm was beautiful. Our first view was of forests. The city contained some really cool shops that I would have spent a fortune in, except they opened later than our arrival. Their royal palace was seriously cool, but bettered by the Russian a few days later. Their guys were hot. Their bookshops were awesome. I loved everything about it. I knew from that day that I am going to live in Sweden when I'm older.
Helsinki was big and boxy and Americanised. The person in the first music shop I went to was very friendly. He directed me to a second music shop where I could buy some Finnish metal. The people there weren't so friendly. But I got what I wanted. I haven't listened to it yet though. So I don't know what it's like. They have a lot of hot guys too.
The Summer Palace in Pushkin, Russia is beautiful and the gardens are a piece of Heaven. I love the story behind those doll things, it's so sweet. And the tradition of giving them to people when you go to a new place and stuff is really cool. I love the bit about giving Faberge eggs to "a woman you really care about" too. St Peters burg was a great place. But I have to say, the people I encountered were very rude and that did spoil the country. And so did the fact all their women/girls look better than me :p
Estonia was beautiful. I wouldn't want to live there though. Oh and their medieval food was plain gross. They have a cool castle though. And they created like, 80% vodka. Erm, there were lots of trees. I spent the day on a coach mostly so there isn't that much to say about it because I don't know that much about it.
Gothenburg was great. The culture festival thing was awesome and I wish I'd stayed to see more. Their botanical gardens rival Russia's palace gardens. There were a lot of emos too. Like Stockholm, it's utterly amazing and going there strengthened my desire to live there.
And there you go. The main things I had to write about my holiday. Finally complete.
Which is why writing about my holiday is great for me. In my diaries I have often compared my life to a story, but the most boring story ever written. So my holiday is all I have that is interesting and real that I can write about. Some of you may have noticed I tried before. But I deleted those blog entries because I went about them all wrong. All my friends on Interpals have asked about it and I can tell then without being bored by the subject, so clearly I needed to write this in a different way.
Here is my new attempt.
The boat was amazing. I have never been anywhere like it. It was huge and the luxury was like nothing I have ever had before. They came to clean our rooms out and make our beds twice a day! They had live music at dinner and in the lobby like area. A lot of people looked down on me but I didn't care. A lot of people didn't. A lot of people complimented me and asked where I got my boots from. I made friends on the boat. Only one of which I have any means of communication with now. His name is Leo and he was really friendly. He reminds me of someone in my town actually. But I'm not sure why. I feel comfortable talking to him and I trust him far more than is safe for me to trust someone I have actually met. Out of all the friends I made he was my favourite. It was easy to talk to him, unlike the others.
I spent most of my free time out on deck. By the pool if I wanted to find people and it was sunny, by the pool but under shelter if it was raining or really windy and I wanted to find someone or write in my diary without the pages being blown everywhere or soaked. Or I would go up a deck and stand in the wind where there were no other people when I wanted to be by myself. Dinner was the only time I really spent with my dad when we were on the ship because he stuck to our cabin the rest of the time. The food at dinner was very posh and I didn't eat that much. I preferred the buffet but even then it was a struggle for me to eat. However our waitress at the restaurant was really cheerful and friendly. She would stand around and talk to us. She was absolutely lovely. We sat on a table where it was just the two of us, unlike on others where you were sat with strangers. Behind me sat a man we nicknamed "Brick", watch Outnumbered if you don't understand why. We never spoke to this man and he has no clue of our nickname for him. But it just fitted so well. We got a good view of the people below us. One table had a very fat woman with gigantic boobs and low cut tops, so every time we looked down, that was what we saw of her. Their child would have a plate of chips and a bottle of ketchup with his dinner and would sit and play on his DS throughout the meal. Which irritated me even from the floor above because my parents have spent a long time trying to force to me to sit at the dinner table with nothing to do but talk/watch the DVD we put on. I hated leaving my book or DS behind, but it's considered rude to bring them to the table. So why should this kid be allowed to sit and do that. In your own home is one thing, but when your out? The dad was bald, possibly by choice. And there was a conversation on our table about if we threw butter at his head would it stick or slide off? On a nearby table was a very gorgeous guy (near the table I described I mean) who seemed to be with his girlfriend. She was one of those ever-so-perfect people that I just want to throttle. Admittedly, admiring this seriously hot guy did cause me to knock over my coke in my failure to pay attention to what I was doing though.
The countries themselves were very far from what I expected.
Copenhagen didn't seem that great to me. They had a lot of statues of elephants. Some of them were really awesome. They had lots of statues of other things too. Their royal palace was beautiful from the outside but dark and dingy inside. Their guard people that we saw outside a parliament building turned their face behind their rifles when we went to take a picture. Which led to comments when we had got away about how our special forces get taught how to pixelate their faces, partly thought up thanks to Top Gear when they go to the North Pole. Their shopping centre was very far away and had shops that I would find in the town centre at home. We didn't find much else to do.
Stockholm was beautiful. Our first view was of forests. The city contained some really cool shops that I would have spent a fortune in, except they opened later than our arrival. Their royal palace was seriously cool, but bettered by the Russian a few days later. Their guys were hot. Their bookshops were awesome. I loved everything about it. I knew from that day that I am going to live in Sweden when I'm older.
Helsinki was big and boxy and Americanised. The person in the first music shop I went to was very friendly. He directed me to a second music shop where I could buy some Finnish metal. The people there weren't so friendly. But I got what I wanted. I haven't listened to it yet though. So I don't know what it's like. They have a lot of hot guys too.
The Summer Palace in Pushkin, Russia is beautiful and the gardens are a piece of Heaven. I love the story behind those doll things, it's so sweet. And the tradition of giving them to people when you go to a new place and stuff is really cool. I love the bit about giving Faberge eggs to "a woman you really care about" too. St Peters burg was a great place. But I have to say, the people I encountered were very rude and that did spoil the country. And so did the fact all their women/girls look better than me :p
Estonia was beautiful. I wouldn't want to live there though. Oh and their medieval food was plain gross. They have a cool castle though. And they created like, 80% vodka. Erm, there were lots of trees. I spent the day on a coach mostly so there isn't that much to say about it because I don't know that much about it.
Gothenburg was great. The culture festival thing was awesome and I wish I'd stayed to see more. Their botanical gardens rival Russia's palace gardens. There were a lot of emos too. Like Stockholm, it's utterly amazing and going there strengthened my desire to live there.
And there you go. The main things I had to write about my holiday. Finally complete.
Thursday, 4 August 2011
Untitled Short Story
This was thrown together because a friend had wanted to read a piece of my writing to see my style. I haven't heard from her since. But this story is not going to waste. (P.S. Any tips on how I can write better are ALWAYS welcome)
I had risked everything for him. Yes - everything. My friends, my family - even my life. Just to be with him. Because I had believed him. I believed him when he said he loved me. And I had believed myself. I had believed myself when I said I loved him. And so despite everything I had travelled to find him. And oh I found him alright. With another fucking woman!
I stopped when I realised I couldn't see. I wiped away the tears blurring my vision, disgusted at the sight of them. That arsehole didn't deserve me. I owed him nothing. Not even tears. I swallowed back the next flood daring to even think if leaving my eyes, and looked around. After I'd seen him with that slut I'd stormed off. And I'd walked and thought and cried and run until I had no clue where I was. All I knew that I was in the mountains somewhere.
I sat down in defeat. And fresh tears formed - I had nothing and no-one, I was lost and going to starve to death here. I cried for hours and hours until I heard a male voice.
"Why on Earth is a beautiful woman like you crying out here alone?"
I looked up and my breath caught in my throat. It was the man I had seen in all my dreams, I had always wondered who he was. He was stunning. The hottest guy I had ever met. His brown eyes were full of concern, partially hidden by his long dark hair that fell over his face. He lifted a hand to brush it back and even his hand was gorgeous.
"Sorry" - his voice brought back memories of cozy nights snowed in, the forest we went to on holiday every year in my teens, the bonfire we lit the night before we came home, the river I played in as a child, dancing in the rain with my sisters and the freedom I had enjoyed when I was younger. All my favourite memories.
My cheeks flushed bright red as I realised I'd been staring.
"I shouldn't have asked that. My name's Jove by the way"
I found my voice again although it was slightly croaky from the abuse my throat had suffered in my anger.
"No, it's - fine. Jove." I was far more hesitant than usual. Unsure, for the first time ever, what to do or say. "I'm Astarte. And, to answer your question, I have, just, hadmyheartbroken". I mumbles the last bit rather quickly, afraid of more tears.
Somehow though, I knew I could trust this stranger - Jove.
"May I sit with you Astarte?" I smiled my answer. My famous smile that could melt the heart of the ice queen herself.
So he sat close to me and put his arm around my shoulders. Normally I would be offended at this move. But with him it felt so right and natural. And I liked it.
We began to talk. And we both talked about everything. Our lives before, our lives ahead, ourselves, the people we knew, our homes. In those hours I don't think a single topic was left uncovered. He was kind and sweet and made me laugh. We got on so well and had so much in common. We understood each other.
Slowly, each word was another stitch in to close the gap in my heart. And after a while, it was fixed and full again. Who could compare to Jove? My earlier hurt forgotten, I was in love again.
We finally ran out of things to say. And then we sat and stared into each others eyes. He leaned forward without realising. I closed the gap. There was sparks and healing and love and a need for more. We finally drew apart, breathless. And, as I looked once more into his eyes, I knew for certain that Jove was my soul mate.
Personally I think it's rather overdone. I'll have to do better next time
I had risked everything for him. Yes - everything. My friends, my family - even my life. Just to be with him. Because I had believed him. I believed him when he said he loved me. And I had believed myself. I had believed myself when I said I loved him. And so despite everything I had travelled to find him. And oh I found him alright. With another fucking woman!
I stopped when I realised I couldn't see. I wiped away the tears blurring my vision, disgusted at the sight of them. That arsehole didn't deserve me. I owed him nothing. Not even tears. I swallowed back the next flood daring to even think if leaving my eyes, and looked around. After I'd seen him with that slut I'd stormed off. And I'd walked and thought and cried and run until I had no clue where I was. All I knew that I was in the mountains somewhere.
I sat down in defeat. And fresh tears formed - I had nothing and no-one, I was lost and going to starve to death here. I cried for hours and hours until I heard a male voice.
"Why on Earth is a beautiful woman like you crying out here alone?"
I looked up and my breath caught in my throat. It was the man I had seen in all my dreams, I had always wondered who he was. He was stunning. The hottest guy I had ever met. His brown eyes were full of concern, partially hidden by his long dark hair that fell over his face. He lifted a hand to brush it back and even his hand was gorgeous.
"Sorry" - his voice brought back memories of cozy nights snowed in, the forest we went to on holiday every year in my teens, the bonfire we lit the night before we came home, the river I played in as a child, dancing in the rain with my sisters and the freedom I had enjoyed when I was younger. All my favourite memories.
My cheeks flushed bright red as I realised I'd been staring.
"I shouldn't have asked that. My name's Jove by the way"
I found my voice again although it was slightly croaky from the abuse my throat had suffered in my anger.
"No, it's - fine. Jove." I was far more hesitant than usual. Unsure, for the first time ever, what to do or say. "I'm Astarte. And, to answer your question, I have, just, hadmyheartbroken". I mumbles the last bit rather quickly, afraid of more tears.
Somehow though, I knew I could trust this stranger - Jove.
"May I sit with you Astarte?" I smiled my answer. My famous smile that could melt the heart of the ice queen herself.
So he sat close to me and put his arm around my shoulders. Normally I would be offended at this move. But with him it felt so right and natural. And I liked it.
We began to talk. And we both talked about everything. Our lives before, our lives ahead, ourselves, the people we knew, our homes. In those hours I don't think a single topic was left uncovered. He was kind and sweet and made me laugh. We got on so well and had so much in common. We understood each other.
Slowly, each word was another stitch in to close the gap in my heart. And after a while, it was fixed and full again. Who could compare to Jove? My earlier hurt forgotten, I was in love again.
We finally ran out of things to say. And then we sat and stared into each others eyes. He leaned forward without realising. I closed the gap. There was sparks and healing and love and a need for more. We finally drew apart, breathless. And, as I looked once more into his eyes, I knew for certain that Jove was my soul mate.
Personally I think it's rather overdone. I'll have to do better next time
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Anger
I would tell them to their faces exactly what I think of them, what I say behind their backs. Except I say it in moments of anger and then forget it. In front of them my mind goes blank, I begin to stutter, I get too emotional. But I am just so god damn fucking sick of hearing from them.
I could put up with them and be civil. But every time my anger cools, someone goes and brings it back in it's full consuming red hot fiery-ness. This morning it was OK. I was rather bored, but very calm. And then Amelie texted me. I don't mind Amelie. I don't trust her and harbour a lot of hate for her but it's not her fault. That's from Marzena stirring up shit between us. So I can tolerate her. I admit, I assumed she wanted something. Actually, she did. Anyway, not the point.
We were talking about what we did so far over the holidays. She goes to another school and has been grounded, so she doesn't know what's been happening. She says "haven't you been out with the others?" - Well, obviously not. "Didn't you go to Marzena's farewell party thing? Were you invited?"
Well, of course I wasn't, which is fine. Like I would have wanted to go to the ice queens party. Unfortunately, it's temporary. She's going on holiday. Not leaving the country .... Anyway, Amelie didn't understand why I there was no way I hadn't been invited. So I had to explain. And it just brought back all the anger I have towards her.
She ruined my friendship with Jack. She started me self harming again. She ruined my friendship with Amelie. She has bitched about Hannah so, so many times to us. And yet she acts like her best fucking friend. And I don't care about not being invited. But she didn't invite her "cousin"/"sister" (she was my sister. Just goes to prove that she is trying to take all my friends)/"best friend" Amelie. Who is very hurt - she hasn't figured Marzena out like I have. And she invited two people - Eva and Shannon who she was MAD at the other month, talking about how they were such shit friends. This was after the first argument we all had, we'd all become "friends" again. Marzena was ever so lovely to me: I wasn't the hated any more, it was Hannah. But I've figured that it doesn't matter who anyone is. If they love Marzena then she'll fake nice to them whilst simultaneously making them miserable (she flirts with both Amelie's and Eva's boyfriends so much I'm surprised neither of them have killed her!). And if they don't she declares outright war on them and makes them sound like utter bitches. You know, she had the balls to say that Ganika made up most of what was said that caused us to fall out in the first place. Amelie believes it - she never liked Ganika. It's a fucking good job she never tried to say it to me!
And these complaints are all very petty and childish. I know that. But the thing is, it's because she's being so petty and childish. I thought this sort of behaviour was WIPED OUT by the time people reached 15 - for Goddess' sake, she's almost 16 - not made worse. She's the fucking devil put in our midst. And to hell with the implications against my sanity, I will do whatever it fucking takes to make her suffer for the anger and hurt she's caused all her "friends" with her patheticness. Even if it ruins my life in the process, I am going to fucking DESTROY hers!
(I know I won't but it's a nice thought :) )
I could put up with them and be civil. But every time my anger cools, someone goes and brings it back in it's full consuming red hot fiery-ness. This morning it was OK. I was rather bored, but very calm. And then Amelie texted me. I don't mind Amelie. I don't trust her and harbour a lot of hate for her but it's not her fault. That's from Marzena stirring up shit between us. So I can tolerate her. I admit, I assumed she wanted something. Actually, she did. Anyway, not the point.
We were talking about what we did so far over the holidays. She goes to another school and has been grounded, so she doesn't know what's been happening. She says "haven't you been out with the others?" - Well, obviously not. "Didn't you go to Marzena's farewell party thing? Were you invited?"
Well, of course I wasn't, which is fine. Like I would have wanted to go to the ice queens party. Unfortunately, it's temporary. She's going on holiday. Not leaving the country .... Anyway, Amelie didn't understand why I there was no way I hadn't been invited. So I had to explain. And it just brought back all the anger I have towards her.
She ruined my friendship with Jack. She started me self harming again. She ruined my friendship with Amelie. She has bitched about Hannah so, so many times to us. And yet she acts like her best fucking friend. And I don't care about not being invited. But she didn't invite her "cousin"/"sister" (she was my sister. Just goes to prove that she is trying to take all my friends)/"best friend" Amelie. Who is very hurt - she hasn't figured Marzena out like I have. And she invited two people - Eva and Shannon who she was MAD at the other month, talking about how they were such shit friends. This was after the first argument we all had, we'd all become "friends" again. Marzena was ever so lovely to me: I wasn't the hated any more, it was Hannah. But I've figured that it doesn't matter who anyone is. If they love Marzena then she'll fake nice to them whilst simultaneously making them miserable (she flirts with both Amelie's and Eva's boyfriends so much I'm surprised neither of them have killed her!). And if they don't she declares outright war on them and makes them sound like utter bitches. You know, she had the balls to say that Ganika made up most of what was said that caused us to fall out in the first place. Amelie believes it - she never liked Ganika. It's a fucking good job she never tried to say it to me!
And these complaints are all very petty and childish. I know that. But the thing is, it's because she's being so petty and childish. I thought this sort of behaviour was WIPED OUT by the time people reached 15 - for Goddess' sake, she's almost 16 - not made worse. She's the fucking devil put in our midst. And to hell with the implications against my sanity, I will do whatever it fucking takes to make her suffer for the anger and hurt she's caused all her "friends" with her patheticness. Even if it ruins my life in the process, I am going to fucking DESTROY hers!
(I know I won't but it's a nice thought :) )
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
Whinging / Gratefullness
All I ever seem to do is whinge and complain. My past few entries are proof of that. And I hate it. Goddess knows how irritating that must be for people who know me. So instead of just whinging about whinging (and oh my goddess, isn't whinging such a horrible pathetic word?), I'm going to put a cheerful entry listing all the reasons I have to not complain about.
I have a loving family
I am spoiled rotten
I have 4 brilliant friends
I have all my lovely friends on interpals (thanks particularly to Syukri for being kind and actually staying friends with me for so long)
I am going on the greatest holiday ever soon
I've been to France, Italy, Spain and Belgium - more than a lot of people
I have a school and therefore an education - so I can have a reasonable standard of living as an adult
I'm not too ugly, and I'm not fat
My determination allows me to do almost anything
I'm fairly smart - when I start year 11 my history teacher wants me to join the year 12 debate team
My writing is improving
I have a house, 3 meals a day, countless snacks and clothes
I have all 5 of my senses working (not perfectly because I need glasses and my hearing has been damaged by the amount of loud music I listen to. But still)
I can listen to music
I play in a steel band - making music is a hugely spiritual and beautiful thing for me
I live in a very well off country where I can find anything I need
I don't live in a war zone
I can dream about a future that isn't completely unrealistic
I have good health
I have always had freedom of religion
I am not a slave of any kind - my life is my own and I am free
These are all things I take for granted or outright deny the majority of the time. So I would just like to say, here and now - I am grateful. And thank you to whatever divine being dictates which life we live when for giving me such a brilliant one. I do appreciate it - when I think to.
I have a loving family
I am spoiled rotten
I have 4 brilliant friends
I have all my lovely friends on interpals (thanks particularly to Syukri for being kind and actually staying friends with me for so long)
I am going on the greatest holiday ever soon
I've been to France, Italy, Spain and Belgium - more than a lot of people
I have a school and therefore an education - so I can have a reasonable standard of living as an adult
I'm not too ugly, and I'm not fat
My determination allows me to do almost anything
I'm fairly smart - when I start year 11 my history teacher wants me to join the year 12 debate team
My writing is improving
I have a house, 3 meals a day, countless snacks and clothes
I have all 5 of my senses working (not perfectly because I need glasses and my hearing has been damaged by the amount of loud music I listen to. But still)
I can listen to music
I play in a steel band - making music is a hugely spiritual and beautiful thing for me
I live in a very well off country where I can find anything I need
I don't live in a war zone
I can dream about a future that isn't completely unrealistic
I have good health
I have always had freedom of religion
I am not a slave of any kind - my life is my own and I am free
These are all things I take for granted or outright deny the majority of the time. So I would just like to say, here and now - I am grateful. And thank you to whatever divine being dictates which life we live when for giving me such a brilliant one. I do appreciate it - when I think to.
Thursday, 14 July 2011
Story Ideas
I know people aren't likely to comment on this but if there is anyone who actually reads this and can be of any help, please comment.
In an attempt to improve my writing skills I keep this blog, I write in my diary daily, I try to write about real life people and why they're the way they are. I write about Iva Death, the girl I mentioned in my last blog thing-a-magig. I'm still in the process of creating her charicter. I do occasional writing excercises although I'm not in the habit of doing those regularly. And I try to do "morning pages" where I write three pages of my first thoughts as soon as I wake up in the hope that one day it may inspire me creativly - except that I have to wake up early to do it and manage a paragraph maximum before I go back to sleep.
Those I don't do regularly I am working on. But that's not my issue today.
I want to try some work on short stories. But I seem to have writers block at the moment. Normally I'm overflowing with ideas so this is rather strange for me.
But, writers block aside because this will hopefully be usefull anyway. Does anybody know any ways to get some good ideas for stories? Short or long since i hope to attempt both in the near future.
Thankyou for any contributions.
In an attempt to improve my writing skills I keep this blog, I write in my diary daily, I try to write about real life people and why they're the way they are. I write about Iva Death, the girl I mentioned in my last blog thing-a-magig. I'm still in the process of creating her charicter. I do occasional writing excercises although I'm not in the habit of doing those regularly. And I try to do "morning pages" where I write three pages of my first thoughts as soon as I wake up in the hope that one day it may inspire me creativly - except that I have to wake up early to do it and manage a paragraph maximum before I go back to sleep.
Those I don't do regularly I am working on. But that's not my issue today.
I want to try some work on short stories. But I seem to have writers block at the moment. Normally I'm overflowing with ideas so this is rather strange for me.
But, writers block aside because this will hopefully be usefull anyway. Does anybody know any ways to get some good ideas for stories? Short or long since i hope to attempt both in the near future.
Thankyou for any contributions.
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
Escape
(These scenes are not in an order. They are from different fantasies. Apart from the last one)
Scene 1: I looked out of the plane window and there it was: America. I'd been waiting and dreaming for so long, I finally got here. I was away from everything. The town, the home, the people. And I could make something of myself here! I'd be able to put the past behind me and be whoever I wanted to be with no worry about seeing the people who sped up my move.
Scene 2: University. The idea of it scared me when I was 15. Study and learning for an extra two years. But there was always the excitement of moving away, learning what I want to know and being free of the life I had. The fears gone. The excitement of freedom has grown. I'm not home. I don't know anyone here. I can start again. I don't have the problems from before. I would have loved to have solved them but it was impossible. Common sense just fell on deaf ears. But never mind, it's past now. I have a whole new future to enjoy.
Scene 3: Iva (A fictional character of my creation that I like to pretend to be) doesn't need to escape. She sits out in her gigantic back garden with her two best friends, Faye and Leandro. She's happy. She needs nothing else from life. These two people will stand beside her for her whole life. They will help her through the bad times and celebrate with her in the good times. And she shall do the same for them. This island is her home. She wants for nothing. She has nothing to fear, no reason to regret. Her life is perfect and she can carry on enjoying it for the rest of eternity (she's a Vampire - but Vampires are born not made. The Undead are made).
Scene 4: A girl who's fairly average sits in front of a computer. And under a fake name types about how much she longs for escape. The people she trusted turned on her time and time again. With actual calmness she thought how she was going to drive them to suicide. She stopped because she realised that anyone who thinks that way is clearly sick. She lives in a town that is better than many. But there is no room for it for a girl of her aspirations. She can't stand the place, or her life. Her only solace is in her imaginations. In her fantasy she can be this Vampire, Iva Death that she created who is absolutely perfect. But with her deeper flaws making her easier to identify with and more realistic. She can escape to the Island of Etusmaa where she is practically royalty. In her mind she can think of the future. She can imagine when she moves out to university. She hopes to go to Oxford. And she'll be away from everyone here. She knows she isn't stupid and that she can get there if she works hard enough. The only people she knows who are smart enough to get in are lovely people. She doesn't mind seeing them again. After Uni she plans to go live in New York City. There she can really make something of herself. And she can start afresh. She'll be away from everything she wants to disappear. Only coming back to visit family. Yes, whatever reality is like, the imagination always provides an escape ....
Scene 1: I looked out of the plane window and there it was: America. I'd been waiting and dreaming for so long, I finally got here. I was away from everything. The town, the home, the people. And I could make something of myself here! I'd be able to put the past behind me and be whoever I wanted to be with no worry about seeing the people who sped up my move.
Scene 2: University. The idea of it scared me when I was 15. Study and learning for an extra two years. But there was always the excitement of moving away, learning what I want to know and being free of the life I had. The fears gone. The excitement of freedom has grown. I'm not home. I don't know anyone here. I can start again. I don't have the problems from before. I would have loved to have solved them but it was impossible. Common sense just fell on deaf ears. But never mind, it's past now. I have a whole new future to enjoy.
Scene 3: Iva (A fictional character of my creation that I like to pretend to be) doesn't need to escape. She sits out in her gigantic back garden with her two best friends, Faye and Leandro. She's happy. She needs nothing else from life. These two people will stand beside her for her whole life. They will help her through the bad times and celebrate with her in the good times. And she shall do the same for them. This island is her home. She wants for nothing. She has nothing to fear, no reason to regret. Her life is perfect and she can carry on enjoying it for the rest of eternity (she's a Vampire - but Vampires are born not made. The Undead are made).
Scene 4: A girl who's fairly average sits in front of a computer. And under a fake name types about how much she longs for escape. The people she trusted turned on her time and time again. With actual calmness she thought how she was going to drive them to suicide. She stopped because she realised that anyone who thinks that way is clearly sick. She lives in a town that is better than many. But there is no room for it for a girl of her aspirations. She can't stand the place, or her life. Her only solace is in her imaginations. In her fantasy she can be this Vampire, Iva Death that she created who is absolutely perfect. But with her deeper flaws making her easier to identify with and more realistic. She can escape to the Island of Etusmaa where she is practically royalty. In her mind she can think of the future. She can imagine when she moves out to university. She hopes to go to Oxford. And she'll be away from everyone here. She knows she isn't stupid and that she can get there if she works hard enough. The only people she knows who are smart enough to get in are lovely people. She doesn't mind seeing them again. After Uni she plans to go live in New York City. There she can really make something of herself. And she can start afresh. She'll be away from everything she wants to disappear. Only coming back to visit family. Yes, whatever reality is like, the imagination always provides an escape ....
Thursday, 7 July 2011
Self Harm
So I self harm again. If you guys didn't know that it wouldn't affect you in any way. And to be honest, it isn't your business. It's mine and no-one elses.
The other week I rather stupidly wore a skirt to school. I wore tights too, but you could still see all my cuts because the tights are too thin (I cut on my legs this time because the theory was that they wouldn't get seen). My skirt was long enough to cover them.
But I was sitting down and only Ganika, Amisha and Scarlett were with me. Scarlett knows about my self harm from seeing me playing with my sharpener blade. But she doesn't care. Amisha and Ganika wouldn't understand why I was doing it and so wouldn't think I was. So the 3 of them hadn't seen the bright red, quite fresh cuts through my tights (that were now visible because my skirt had hitched up). I was pretty comfortable, I forgot about them.
Until Marzena walked up. She saw them and started making a big fuss and hugged me and was all "don't do that". Then she threatened to tell Amilie. Amilie texted me later on asking if it was true. I told her it wasn't. It was what she wanted to hear so she believed it.
I was very annoyed but had let it lie. Except Marzena brought it up today.
But I don't like them anyway. So therefore, it has nothing to do with them. They caused me to start again. And they don't give a shit about me. So why should they give a shit if I self harm.
What I do to my body is my choice. No-one can tell me otherwise. I'm not hurting them, I'm only hurting myself. It doesn'thave to affect them at all if they keep their fucking noses out of my business. It's stupid.
Originally, Marzena would threatenm to tell the guy I fancied, then Amilie, and now Andrew. Telling them doesn't do a thing.
I don't actually want to do it. It's quite hard. I want to want to do it. And sometimes it's just easier than suicide. At times it's a cry for help, for people to realise I'm not okay! I want someone to care. To hug me and tell me I don't need to cut myself, because they're there for me.
I stopped before because the guy I was going out with convinced me to: because I felt that someone genuinly cared. I kept to it even when I felt awful for months and months - long after we broke up. And then I thought "fuck it"
My parents don't care. They make me feel like shit half the time. I argued with all my "friends" and so I have no reason to keep my promise to them. I broke up with the guy who convinced me to stop. So I have no reason, no promises, to stop me. I have no-one I owe it too. I was always doing it for them. It didn't help me.
It just really pissed me off the way Marzena fucked up so many of my friendships, stopped me going to Iceland, started me self harming again, depressed me. backstabbed me and made me feel like shit. Then she has the guts to act like nothing's ever happened and I'm her best friend because there's someone else she hates even more and I'm not the outcast anymore. So now she cares enough to be able to "do whats right" about my slef harm by stirring up shit and making me feel like crap. When it's nothing to do with her!!!!!!!!!!!
The other week I rather stupidly wore a skirt to school. I wore tights too, but you could still see all my cuts because the tights are too thin (I cut on my legs this time because the theory was that they wouldn't get seen). My skirt was long enough to cover them.
But I was sitting down and only Ganika, Amisha and Scarlett were with me. Scarlett knows about my self harm from seeing me playing with my sharpener blade. But she doesn't care. Amisha and Ganika wouldn't understand why I was doing it and so wouldn't think I was. So the 3 of them hadn't seen the bright red, quite fresh cuts through my tights (that were now visible because my skirt had hitched up). I was pretty comfortable, I forgot about them.
Until Marzena walked up. She saw them and started making a big fuss and hugged me and was all "don't do that". Then she threatened to tell Amilie. Amilie texted me later on asking if it was true. I told her it wasn't. It was what she wanted to hear so she believed it.
I was very annoyed but had let it lie. Except Marzena brought it up today.
But I don't like them anyway. So therefore, it has nothing to do with them. They caused me to start again. And they don't give a shit about me. So why should they give a shit if I self harm.
What I do to my body is my choice. No-one can tell me otherwise. I'm not hurting them, I'm only hurting myself. It doesn'thave to affect them at all if they keep their fucking noses out of my business. It's stupid.
Originally, Marzena would threatenm to tell the guy I fancied, then Amilie, and now Andrew. Telling them doesn't do a thing.
I don't actually want to do it. It's quite hard. I want to want to do it. And sometimes it's just easier than suicide. At times it's a cry for help, for people to realise I'm not okay! I want someone to care. To hug me and tell me I don't need to cut myself, because they're there for me.
I stopped before because the guy I was going out with convinced me to: because I felt that someone genuinly cared. I kept to it even when I felt awful for months and months - long after we broke up. And then I thought "fuck it"
My parents don't care. They make me feel like shit half the time. I argued with all my "friends" and so I have no reason to keep my promise to them. I broke up with the guy who convinced me to stop. So I have no reason, no promises, to stop me. I have no-one I owe it too. I was always doing it for them. It didn't help me.
It just really pissed me off the way Marzena fucked up so many of my friendships, stopped me going to Iceland, started me self harming again, depressed me. backstabbed me and made me feel like shit. Then she has the guts to act like nothing's ever happened and I'm her best friend because there's someone else she hates even more and I'm not the outcast anymore. So now she cares enough to be able to "do whats right" about my slef harm by stirring up shit and making me feel like crap. When it's nothing to do with her!!!!!!!!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)