Dear Marzena

Dear Marzena,
I've complained about you a lot over the past few months. I've bitched about you when I couldn't hold it in, I've written blog entries about how much I hate you, I've written in my diary about you. But I'm writing this letter/blog in the hope it's the last one. Because in a way I am saying what I think to you and as soon as each thought is typed it can be set free and I can move on. I hope.
Amelie believes that Ganika made up what she told me. She is inclined to believe that because she trusts you and doesn't like Ganika. I, on the other hand, trust Ganika and have seen you at your worst. Amelie doesn't yet realise that I don't trust her. And that I never will. She doesn't know the pain I felt whenever you two would bitch about me and then we'd fight. That was your biggest mistake, because I know you stirred up all those arguments. You would lie to us and twist things. I cried because of something you started. And you have no idea what it takes to make me cry.
You knew about my self harm. Because back then I trusted you. Telling everyone and using Amelie and Archie as a threat to get me to stop was plain pathetic.
Especially when, looking back, you were the root cause of almost every cut I made. I stopped before because I didn't need to do it. Now I'm tempted to carry on. But something always stops me. And I'm fairly sure that something is the knowledge that you caused it. And your control over my emotions is growing weaker. I will not let it get back to how it was.
I'm glad that because of me, you couldn't go to Iceland. I'm sorry we ended up stopping everyone else from going by dropping out. But I am so fucking glad you didn't get to do something that amazing. Anything that makes you suffer in any way at all is good as far as I'm concerned. I genuinely hope that your life gets so bad - even with small things - that you commit suicide :D - the point being, you caused me not to be able to go. So I think that's poetic justice really :D
As for you telling me how I should have done things at the end of my relationship with Toby - you have NEVER been in a relationship. Understandably, you're ugly and a bitch. But I'm getting distracted by insults. What I meant to say was that you haven't been there. You don't know what it's like. When you have done it, when have been in that situation - then, and only then, do you have the right to tell me how I should have done it. And after I said that bit about hating exes to Eva and you told me to shut up because I'd never had that - kind of hypocritical.
When I came back from Paris I was quite close to Jack. You ruined that. You got all flirty around him and so I felt all pathetic and crap. And so I couldn't feel comfortable hanging around with him. You ruined that friendship. You ruined my friendship with Amelie. And the last set of arguments you caused ruined my friendship with all the others. I can't trust Ganika, Scarlett or Amisha properly because they've met you and you might turn them against me. Like you did with everyone else. The three people I feel closest to, you have never met. In fact, because of you, I can't trust anyone. I'm constantly wondering if they're secretly stabbing me in the back like you did.
I've written all I can currently think of. And no, I don't feel better. And I think everyone else has forgotten what you did and moved on but I haven't. You really fucked me over emotionally. And I'm going to bear the physical and psychological scars for the rest of my life. I can't forgive you - you did too much and it cut too deep. I haven't set anything free. Yet again, I can't seem to get my thoughts organised enough to write the true extent of what you did to me. All I can say is, I don't want you dead anymore. I want you to suffer really badly. I want you to pay for everything you have done to me.
And you know what, this isn't me! I don't bear grudges like that. I don't want anyone to suffer. I forgive. I let people have a second chance. I try to see the best in them. This is just the start of the side effects of what you've done.
So congratulations. You've fucked me up, ruined my mental health and emotional stability and caused me so much pain, nothing will get me over it. Are you happy now?
Jezabel