So I self harm again. If you guys didn't know that it wouldn't affect you in any way. And to be honest, it isn't your business. It's mine and no-one elses.
The other week I rather stupidly wore a skirt to school. I wore tights too, but you could still see all my cuts because the tights are too thin (I cut on my legs this time because the theory was that they wouldn't get seen). My skirt was long enough to cover them.
But I was sitting down and only Ganika, Amisha and Scarlett were with me. Scarlett knows about my self harm from seeing me playing with my sharpener blade. But she doesn't care. Amisha and Ganika wouldn't understand why I was doing it and so wouldn't think I was. So the 3 of them hadn't seen the bright red, quite fresh cuts through my tights (that were now visible because my skirt had hitched up). I was pretty comfortable, I forgot about them.
Until Marzena walked up. She saw them and started making a big fuss and hugged me and was all "don't do that". Then she threatened to tell Amilie. Amilie texted me later on asking if it was true. I told her it wasn't. It was what she wanted to hear so she believed it.
I was very annoyed but had let it lie. Except Marzena brought it up today.
But I don't like them anyway. So therefore, it has nothing to do with them. They caused me to start again. And they don't give a shit about me. So why should they give a shit if I self harm.
What I do to my body is my choice. No-one can tell me otherwise. I'm not hurting them, I'm only hurting myself. It doesn'thave to affect them at all if they keep their fucking noses out of my business. It's stupid.
Originally, Marzena would threatenm to tell the guy I fancied, then Amilie, and now Andrew. Telling them doesn't do a thing.
I don't actually want to do it. It's quite hard. I want to want to do it. And sometimes it's just easier than suicide. At times it's a cry for help, for people to realise I'm not okay! I want someone to care. To hug me and tell me I don't need to cut myself, because they're there for me.
I stopped before because the guy I was going out with convinced me to: because I felt that someone genuinly cared. I kept to it even when I felt awful for months and months - long after we broke up. And then I thought "fuck it"
My parents don't care. They make me feel like shit half the time. I argued with all my "friends" and so I have no reason to keep my promise to them. I broke up with the guy who convinced me to stop. So I have no reason, no promises, to stop me. I have no-one I owe it too. I was always doing it for them. It didn't help me.
It just really pissed me off the way Marzena fucked up so many of my friendships, stopped me going to Iceland, started me self harming again, depressed me. backstabbed me and made me feel like shit. Then she has the guts to act like nothing's ever happened and I'm her best friend because there's someone else she hates even more and I'm not the outcast anymore. So now she cares enough to be able to "do whats right" about my slef harm by stirring up shit and making me feel like crap. When it's nothing to do with her!!!!!!!!!!!
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