Anger

I would tell them to their faces exactly what I think of them, what I say behind their backs. Except I say it in moments of anger and then forget it. In front of them my mind goes blank, I begin to stutter, I get too emotional. But I am just so god damn fucking sick of hearing from them.
I could put up with them and be civil. But every time my anger cools, someone goes and brings it back in it's full consuming red hot fiery-ness. This morning it was OK. I was rather bored, but very calm. And then Amelie texted me. I don't mind Amelie. I don't trust her and harbour a lot of hate for her but it's not her fault. That's from Marzena stirring up shit between us. So I can tolerate her. I admit, I assumed she wanted something. Actually, she did. Anyway, not the point.
We were talking about what we did so far over the holidays. She goes to another school and has been grounded, so she doesn't know what's been happening. She says "haven't you been out with the others?" - Well, obviously not. "Didn't you go to Marzena's farewell party thing? Were you invited?"
Well, of course I wasn't, which is fine. Like I would have wanted to go to the ice queens party. Unfortunately, it's temporary. She's going on holiday. Not leaving the country .... Anyway, Amelie didn't understand why I there was no way I hadn't been invited. So I had to explain. And it just brought back all the anger I have towards her.
She ruined my friendship with Jack. She started me self harming again. She ruined my friendship with Amelie. She has bitched about Hannah so, so many times to us. And yet she acts like her best fucking friend. And I don't care about not being invited. But she didn't invite her "cousin"/"sister" (she was my sister. Just goes to prove that she is trying to take all my friends)/"best friend" Amelie. Who is very hurt - she hasn't figured Marzena out like I have. And she invited two people - Eva and Shannon who she was MAD at the other month, talking about how they were such shit friends. This was after the first argument we all had, we'd all become "friends" again. Marzena was ever so lovely to me: I wasn't the hated any more, it was Hannah. But I've figured that it doesn't matter who anyone is. If they love Marzena then she'll fake nice to them whilst simultaneously making them miserable (she flirts with both Amelie's and Eva's boyfriends so much I'm surprised neither of them have killed her!). And if they don't she declares outright war on them and makes them sound like utter bitches. You know, she had the balls to say that Ganika made up most of what was said that caused us to fall out in the first place. Amelie believes it - she never liked Ganika. It's a fucking good job she never tried to say it to me!
And these complaints are all very petty and childish. I know that. But the thing is, it's because she's being so petty and childish. I thought this sort of behaviour was WIPED OUT by the time people reached 15 - for Goddess' sake, she's almost 16 - not made worse. She's the fucking devil put in our midst. And to hell with the implications against my sanity, I will do whatever it fucking takes to make her suffer for the anger and hurt she's caused all her "friends" with her patheticness. Even if it ruins my life in the process, I am going to fucking DESTROY hers!
(I know I won't but it's a nice thought :) )