I get bored in class. A lot. And today I began coming up with these little angels that help you at school. You have to draw your own - everyone has a different one. So longas they have a humanoid figure, wings and a halo, they're fine. Apart from that, they can look however you want. They help you in class and with homework and in tests and stuff. You want to name them whatever you want to: to make them more unique.
I only came up with the ones from my lessons today and what they do and stuff, so here they are (because I thought it was too weird an idea to keep to myself):
Science
My science angel is called Scientia. She knows all there is to know about science and tells you all the answers. She watches over your experiments with the specific purpose of making sure you get the right results and no accidents (like spilling corosive acid or setting fire to yourself/something highly flammable) happen. She also helps you remember everything and makes sure your diagrams look as if an artist drew them.
Maths
My maths angel is called Tangeria. She tells you all the answers and helps you remember how to work them out. She can find the answer faster than a calculator and knows the value of Pi to 9,999,999,999 decimal places. She can even make algebra and geometry make sense to those who find 2+2 difficult.
Break
My break angel is called Fona. She can mute the voice of a teacher, keep you entertained in class and make great conversation. She also provides exciting new daydreams and brilliant tasting food.
French
My French angel is called Gaula. She can give you the vocab of someone who's spoken French their whole lives and help you with spelling, pronounciation and understanding of written and spoken of French words. You will never be unable to use or understand a word again.
Geography
My geography angel is called Airtha. She also gives you all the answers and of course, knows everything there is to know about geography. She can play holographic films in front of you to make it easier to learn and knows all the details of every possible case study. Also, she makes your diagrams look like those of an artist.
English
This angel is called Iland. She improves your vocabulary, helps with spelling and handwriting. She notices and remembers all those details needed for English Lit - imagry and things. She can show you a hologram of the place and time where the book or play is set and give you information about this time. And she has read every book in existance.
Utterly shit but the proof of how bored I get in class.
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
Monday, 26 September 2011
Essex
If you live in England, then on Thursdays at 9 o' clock you can watch Educating Essex on channel 4. This is a documentary about how awful the students are in Essex. The featured school is Passmores in Harlow. I don't to Passmores but I do live in Essex.
For those of you who haven't seen it, last week focused on two girls. One, Charlotte, was on her mobile in class and was basically a rude bitch. The teachers were unbelievably soft. Despite Amelie's complaints about how awful they are. At my school, we're meant to hand our phones into the office. Only the year 7s do and the teachers know that. But we keep them on silent and try not to be too obvious if we text people. Because if we get caught with them the teachers have to confiscate them and then we have to get our parents to come and get it back.
The second girl, Carmelita, falsely accused a teacher of assault. She was suspended for a couple of weeks. We would be thrown out. Permanently.
Next week it features a guy called Sam being a prick. I used to fancy him actually. But I do seem to have the worlds worst taste in guys. I'm getting smarter though ;)
As well as this negative spotlight on our shitty little chavvy county, there is The Only Way Is Essex. I have never seen it. But it portrays all the stereotypes of Essex.
I'm sorry to say this, but in a way, it's very true. If I told you about half the girls in my school you would be in shock. And we're one of the best schools in the town. Having both braincells and morals, I'm a bit of a novelty. Which they see as bad.
I'm in my last year of compulsory education. After this, it's off to do my A-levels and then to university. My grades are rarely below a B and normally above and I rarely get into trouble. I'm part of the Fairtrade group at school. My Saturday mornings are spent doing volunteer work. I speak English rather than Chav, I don't feel the need to be orange and I give a shit about other people. Normally getting into university shouldn't be too hard.
But as they get pickier and pickier it gets harder and harder. I'll never make it into the top universities, but I'll still try. And I should be able to make it somewhere.
But what if they take one look at where I come from and decide not to let me in? What if they refuse to take a chance on me because people are slagging us off so badly and so often? What if for the rest of my life I'm haunted by that stereotype?
So thanks TV companies. Try sharing the criticism out a bit? Then no-one can be truly looked down upon. And to be perfectly honest, your ideas suck. You're really running out of ideas. There are other ways to provide entertainment. You have a thing called an imagination. Use it.
For those of you who haven't seen it, last week focused on two girls. One, Charlotte, was on her mobile in class and was basically a rude bitch. The teachers were unbelievably soft. Despite Amelie's complaints about how awful they are. At my school, we're meant to hand our phones into the office. Only the year 7s do and the teachers know that. But we keep them on silent and try not to be too obvious if we text people. Because if we get caught with them the teachers have to confiscate them and then we have to get our parents to come and get it back.
The second girl, Carmelita, falsely accused a teacher of assault. She was suspended for a couple of weeks. We would be thrown out. Permanently.
Next week it features a guy called Sam being a prick. I used to fancy him actually. But I do seem to have the worlds worst taste in guys. I'm getting smarter though ;)
As well as this negative spotlight on our shitty little chavvy county, there is The Only Way Is Essex. I have never seen it. But it portrays all the stereotypes of Essex.
I'm sorry to say this, but in a way, it's very true. If I told you about half the girls in my school you would be in shock. And we're one of the best schools in the town. Having both braincells and morals, I'm a bit of a novelty. Which they see as bad.
I'm in my last year of compulsory education. After this, it's off to do my A-levels and then to university. My grades are rarely below a B and normally above and I rarely get into trouble. I'm part of the Fairtrade group at school. My Saturday mornings are spent doing volunteer work. I speak English rather than Chav, I don't feel the need to be orange and I give a shit about other people. Normally getting into university shouldn't be too hard.
But as they get pickier and pickier it gets harder and harder. I'll never make it into the top universities, but I'll still try. And I should be able to make it somewhere.
But what if they take one look at where I come from and decide not to let me in? What if they refuse to take a chance on me because people are slagging us off so badly and so often? What if for the rest of my life I'm haunted by that stereotype?
So thanks TV companies. Try sharing the criticism out a bit? Then no-one can be truly looked down upon. And to be perfectly honest, your ideas suck. You're really running out of ideas. There are other ways to provide entertainment. You have a thing called an imagination. Use it.
Thursday, 15 September 2011
Lets Pretend
Dear Diary,
Today was an actually good day. I woke up incredibly happy to find the sunlight streaming in through the window, lighting my room in a golden haze. I wasn't rushed at all to get to school. I got there at the same time as my best friend. She's everything you could ask for in a best friend. And I know I've said that before but I mean it this time - she's real, not a backstabber like all the others.
My first lesson was music - I'm learning a new song on guitar. I wrote the song myself, it's all emo and shit. The lyrics are for self harmers - something they need to hear. It's written directly to the audience. My teacher was listening to it, with me singing along as well, and there were actual tears in his eyes. He told me that I'm the most talented lyricist, singer and guitar player he has ever heard.
My second lesson was journalism. I wrote this amazing review of a couple of new Cd's and came up with a wonderfully creative and utterly fascinating interview of our new head teacher. Including such things as her view on religion, our school ethos and teenagers. She's actually a really great head. I'm so glad we got her.
After break was Swedish. I am so going to get an A* in my GCSE. I can hold a whole conversation with a fluent Swedish speaker. I'm going to do great when I move out there. After all, there isn't any doubt that I can.
Fourth was Creative Writing. I was working on my novel. It's going fantastically. I had a class member read over it. When they came to the end they were severely disappointed. They hadn't wanted it to end. And they were nothing like the main character but it was so well written they identified with her completely and understood all her emotions even though they would never feel the same in such a situation.
At lunch time I had so much fun. Me and my friends were being stupid and just messing around. I was crying with laughter. And I was considered by far the funniest. Laughing with me though, rather than at me like they have done for so long. It's good to be accepted again.
My last lesson was a free period. So I went home early. Once home I got changed so that I can go to London with my friends for the night. It's going to be so much fun.
And guess what? For the whole day the following have been non existent:
- Low self esteem (after all, I am pretty amazing. I'm fucking gorgeous, I'm really smart and socially I'm just the best)
- The urge to cut myself (I don't need it)
- Irritating people taking the piss out of me
- Jealousy of anyone and everyone
- The wish for a wonderful, but currently non-existent boyfriend
- The wish for a true friend I can trust
- Anger
- Hatred
Oh yeah, one part is true, sorry - I went to school
Today was an actually good day. I woke up incredibly happy to find the sunlight streaming in through the window, lighting my room in a golden haze. I wasn't rushed at all to get to school. I got there at the same time as my best friend. She's everything you could ask for in a best friend. And I know I've said that before but I mean it this time - she's real, not a backstabber like all the others.
My first lesson was music - I'm learning a new song on guitar. I wrote the song myself, it's all emo and shit. The lyrics are for self harmers - something they need to hear. It's written directly to the audience. My teacher was listening to it, with me singing along as well, and there were actual tears in his eyes. He told me that I'm the most talented lyricist, singer and guitar player he has ever heard.
My second lesson was journalism. I wrote this amazing review of a couple of new Cd's and came up with a wonderfully creative and utterly fascinating interview of our new head teacher. Including such things as her view on religion, our school ethos and teenagers. She's actually a really great head. I'm so glad we got her.
After break was Swedish. I am so going to get an A* in my GCSE. I can hold a whole conversation with a fluent Swedish speaker. I'm going to do great when I move out there. After all, there isn't any doubt that I can.
Fourth was Creative Writing. I was working on my novel. It's going fantastically. I had a class member read over it. When they came to the end they were severely disappointed. They hadn't wanted it to end. And they were nothing like the main character but it was so well written they identified with her completely and understood all her emotions even though they would never feel the same in such a situation.
At lunch time I had so much fun. Me and my friends were being stupid and just messing around. I was crying with laughter. And I was considered by far the funniest. Laughing with me though, rather than at me like they have done for so long. It's good to be accepted again.
My last lesson was a free period. So I went home early. Once home I got changed so that I can go to London with my friends for the night. It's going to be so much fun.
And guess what? For the whole day the following have been non existent:
- Low self esteem (after all, I am pretty amazing. I'm fucking gorgeous, I'm really smart and socially I'm just the best)
- The urge to cut myself (I don't need it)
- Irritating people taking the piss out of me
- Jealousy of anyone and everyone
- The wish for a wonderful, but currently non-existent boyfriend
- The wish for a true friend I can trust
- Anger
- Hatred
Oh yeah, one part is true, sorry - I went to school
Tuesday, 6 September 2011
Dear Marzena
Dear Marzena,
I've complained about you a lot over the past few months. I've bitched about you when I couldn't hold it in, I've written blog entries about how much I hate you, I've written in my diary about you. But I'm writing this letter/blog in the hope it's the last one. Because in a way I am saying what I think to you and as soon as each thought is typed it can be set free and I can move on. I hope.
Amelie believes that Ganika made up what she told me. She is inclined to believe that because she trusts you and doesn't like Ganika. I, on the other hand, trust Ganika and have seen you at your worst. Amelie doesn't yet realise that I don't trust her. And that I never will. She doesn't know the pain I felt whenever you two would bitch about me and then we'd fight. That was your biggest mistake, because I know you stirred up all those arguments. You would lie to us and twist things. I cried because of something you started. And you have no idea what it takes to make me cry.
You knew about my self harm. Because back then I trusted you. Telling everyone and using Amelie and Archie as a threat to get me to stop was plain pathetic.
Especially when, looking back, you were the root cause of almost every cut I made. I stopped before because I didn't need to do it. Now I'm tempted to carry on. But something always stops me. And I'm fairly sure that something is the knowledge that you caused it. And your control over my emotions is growing weaker. I will not let it get back to how it was.
I'm glad that because of me, you couldn't go to Iceland. I'm sorry we ended up stopping everyone else from going by dropping out. But I am so fucking glad you didn't get to do something that amazing. Anything that makes you suffer in any way at all is good as far as I'm concerned. I genuinely hope that your life gets so bad - even with small things - that you commit suicide :D - the point being, you caused me not to be able to go. So I think that's poetic justice really :D
As for you telling me how I should have done things at the end of my relationship with Toby - you have NEVER been in a relationship. Understandably, you're ugly and a bitch. But I'm getting distracted by insults. What I meant to say was that you haven't been there. You don't know what it's like. When you have done it, when have been in that situation - then, and only then, do you have the right to tell me how I should have done it. And after I said that bit about hating exes to Eva and you told me to shut up because I'd never had that - kind of hypocritical.
When I came back from Paris I was quite close to Jack. You ruined that. You got all flirty around him and so I felt all pathetic and crap. And so I couldn't feel comfortable hanging around with him. You ruined that friendship. You ruined my friendship with Amelie. And the last set of arguments you caused ruined my friendship with all the others. I can't trust Ganika, Scarlett or Amisha properly because they've met you and you might turn them against me. Like you did with everyone else. The three people I feel closest to, you have never met. In fact, because of you, I can't trust anyone. I'm constantly wondering if they're secretly stabbing me in the back like you did.
I've written all I can currently think of. And no, I don't feel better. And I think everyone else has forgotten what you did and moved on but I haven't. You really fucked me over emotionally. And I'm going to bear the physical and psychological scars for the rest of my life. I can't forgive you - you did too much and it cut too deep. I haven't set anything free. Yet again, I can't seem to get my thoughts organised enough to write the true extent of what you did to me. All I can say is, I don't want you dead anymore. I want you to suffer really badly. I want you to pay for everything you have done to me.
And you know what, this isn't me! I don't bear grudges like that. I don't want anyone to suffer. I forgive. I let people have a second chance. I try to see the best in them. This is just the start of the side effects of what you've done.
So congratulations. You've fucked me up, ruined my mental health and emotional stability and caused me so much pain, nothing will get me over it. Are you happy now?
Jezabel
I've complained about you a lot over the past few months. I've bitched about you when I couldn't hold it in, I've written blog entries about how much I hate you, I've written in my diary about you. But I'm writing this letter/blog in the hope it's the last one. Because in a way I am saying what I think to you and as soon as each thought is typed it can be set free and I can move on. I hope.
Amelie believes that Ganika made up what she told me. She is inclined to believe that because she trusts you and doesn't like Ganika. I, on the other hand, trust Ganika and have seen you at your worst. Amelie doesn't yet realise that I don't trust her. And that I never will. She doesn't know the pain I felt whenever you two would bitch about me and then we'd fight. That was your biggest mistake, because I know you stirred up all those arguments. You would lie to us and twist things. I cried because of something you started. And you have no idea what it takes to make me cry.
You knew about my self harm. Because back then I trusted you. Telling everyone and using Amelie and Archie as a threat to get me to stop was plain pathetic.
Especially when, looking back, you were the root cause of almost every cut I made. I stopped before because I didn't need to do it. Now I'm tempted to carry on. But something always stops me. And I'm fairly sure that something is the knowledge that you caused it. And your control over my emotions is growing weaker. I will not let it get back to how it was.
I'm glad that because of me, you couldn't go to Iceland. I'm sorry we ended up stopping everyone else from going by dropping out. But I am so fucking glad you didn't get to do something that amazing. Anything that makes you suffer in any way at all is good as far as I'm concerned. I genuinely hope that your life gets so bad - even with small things - that you commit suicide :D - the point being, you caused me not to be able to go. So I think that's poetic justice really :D
As for you telling me how I should have done things at the end of my relationship with Toby - you have NEVER been in a relationship. Understandably, you're ugly and a bitch. But I'm getting distracted by insults. What I meant to say was that you haven't been there. You don't know what it's like. When you have done it, when have been in that situation - then, and only then, do you have the right to tell me how I should have done it. And after I said that bit about hating exes to Eva and you told me to shut up because I'd never had that - kind of hypocritical.
When I came back from Paris I was quite close to Jack. You ruined that. You got all flirty around him and so I felt all pathetic and crap. And so I couldn't feel comfortable hanging around with him. You ruined that friendship. You ruined my friendship with Amelie. And the last set of arguments you caused ruined my friendship with all the others. I can't trust Ganika, Scarlett or Amisha properly because they've met you and you might turn them against me. Like you did with everyone else. The three people I feel closest to, you have never met. In fact, because of you, I can't trust anyone. I'm constantly wondering if they're secretly stabbing me in the back like you did.
I've written all I can currently think of. And no, I don't feel better. And I think everyone else has forgotten what you did and moved on but I haven't. You really fucked me over emotionally. And I'm going to bear the physical and psychological scars for the rest of my life. I can't forgive you - you did too much and it cut too deep. I haven't set anything free. Yet again, I can't seem to get my thoughts organised enough to write the true extent of what you did to me. All I can say is, I don't want you dead anymore. I want you to suffer really badly. I want you to pay for everything you have done to me.
And you know what, this isn't me! I don't bear grudges like that. I don't want anyone to suffer. I forgive. I let people have a second chance. I try to see the best in them. This is just the start of the side effects of what you've done.
So congratulations. You've fucked me up, ruined my mental health and emotional stability and caused me so much pain, nothing will get me over it. Are you happy now?
Jezabel
Friday, 2 September 2011
Another Attempt To Tell You About My Holiday
I've always loved reading stories set in far off fantasy realms. I've always loved writing about adventures far more exciting than anything I'll ever see. So for my life to be this boring is the worst possible curse!
Which is why writing about my holiday is great for me. In my diaries I have often compared my life to a story, but the most boring story ever written. So my holiday is all I have that is interesting and real that I can write about. Some of you may have noticed I tried before. But I deleted those blog entries because I went about them all wrong. All my friends on Interpals have asked about it and I can tell then without being bored by the subject, so clearly I needed to write this in a different way.
Here is my new attempt.
The boat was amazing. I have never been anywhere like it. It was huge and the luxury was like nothing I have ever had before. They came to clean our rooms out and make our beds twice a day! They had live music at dinner and in the lobby like area. A lot of people looked down on me but I didn't care. A lot of people didn't. A lot of people complimented me and asked where I got my boots from. I made friends on the boat. Only one of which I have any means of communication with now. His name is Leo and he was really friendly. He reminds me of someone in my town actually. But I'm not sure why. I feel comfortable talking to him and I trust him far more than is safe for me to trust someone I have actually met. Out of all the friends I made he was my favourite. It was easy to talk to him, unlike the others.
I spent most of my free time out on deck. By the pool if I wanted to find people and it was sunny, by the pool but under shelter if it was raining or really windy and I wanted to find someone or write in my diary without the pages being blown everywhere or soaked. Or I would go up a deck and stand in the wind where there were no other people when I wanted to be by myself. Dinner was the only time I really spent with my dad when we were on the ship because he stuck to our cabin the rest of the time. The food at dinner was very posh and I didn't eat that much. I preferred the buffet but even then it was a struggle for me to eat. However our waitress at the restaurant was really cheerful and friendly. She would stand around and talk to us. She was absolutely lovely. We sat on a table where it was just the two of us, unlike on others where you were sat with strangers. Behind me sat a man we nicknamed "Brick", watch Outnumbered if you don't understand why. We never spoke to this man and he has no clue of our nickname for him. But it just fitted so well. We got a good view of the people below us. One table had a very fat woman with gigantic boobs and low cut tops, so every time we looked down, that was what we saw of her. Their child would have a plate of chips and a bottle of ketchup with his dinner and would sit and play on his DS throughout the meal. Which irritated me even from the floor above because my parents have spent a long time trying to force to me to sit at the dinner table with nothing to do but talk/watch the DVD we put on. I hated leaving my book or DS behind, but it's considered rude to bring them to the table. So why should this kid be allowed to sit and do that. In your own home is one thing, but when your out? The dad was bald, possibly by choice. And there was a conversation on our table about if we threw butter at his head would it stick or slide off? On a nearby table was a very gorgeous guy (near the table I described I mean) who seemed to be with his girlfriend. She was one of those ever-so-perfect people that I just want to throttle. Admittedly, admiring this seriously hot guy did cause me to knock over my coke in my failure to pay attention to what I was doing though.
The countries themselves were very far from what I expected.
Copenhagen didn't seem that great to me. They had a lot of statues of elephants. Some of them were really awesome. They had lots of statues of other things too. Their royal palace was beautiful from the outside but dark and dingy inside. Their guard people that we saw outside a parliament building turned their face behind their rifles when we went to take a picture. Which led to comments when we had got away about how our special forces get taught how to pixelate their faces, partly thought up thanks to Top Gear when they go to the North Pole. Their shopping centre was very far away and had shops that I would find in the town centre at home. We didn't find much else to do.
Stockholm was beautiful. Our first view was of forests. The city contained some really cool shops that I would have spent a fortune in, except they opened later than our arrival. Their royal palace was seriously cool, but bettered by the Russian a few days later. Their guys were hot. Their bookshops were awesome. I loved everything about it. I knew from that day that I am going to live in Sweden when I'm older.
Helsinki was big and boxy and Americanised. The person in the first music shop I went to was very friendly. He directed me to a second music shop where I could buy some Finnish metal. The people there weren't so friendly. But I got what I wanted. I haven't listened to it yet though. So I don't know what it's like. They have a lot of hot guys too.
The Summer Palace in Pushkin, Russia is beautiful and the gardens are a piece of Heaven. I love the story behind those doll things, it's so sweet. And the tradition of giving them to people when you go to a new place and stuff is really cool. I love the bit about giving Faberge eggs to "a woman you really care about" too. St Peters burg was a great place. But I have to say, the people I encountered were very rude and that did spoil the country. And so did the fact all their women/girls look better than me :p
Estonia was beautiful. I wouldn't want to live there though. Oh and their medieval food was plain gross. They have a cool castle though. And they created like, 80% vodka. Erm, there were lots of trees. I spent the day on a coach mostly so there isn't that much to say about it because I don't know that much about it.
Gothenburg was great. The culture festival thing was awesome and I wish I'd stayed to see more. Their botanical gardens rival Russia's palace gardens. There were a lot of emos too. Like Stockholm, it's utterly amazing and going there strengthened my desire to live there.
And there you go. The main things I had to write about my holiday. Finally complete.
Which is why writing about my holiday is great for me. In my diaries I have often compared my life to a story, but the most boring story ever written. So my holiday is all I have that is interesting and real that I can write about. Some of you may have noticed I tried before. But I deleted those blog entries because I went about them all wrong. All my friends on Interpals have asked about it and I can tell then without being bored by the subject, so clearly I needed to write this in a different way.
Here is my new attempt.
The boat was amazing. I have never been anywhere like it. It was huge and the luxury was like nothing I have ever had before. They came to clean our rooms out and make our beds twice a day! They had live music at dinner and in the lobby like area. A lot of people looked down on me but I didn't care. A lot of people didn't. A lot of people complimented me and asked where I got my boots from. I made friends on the boat. Only one of which I have any means of communication with now. His name is Leo and he was really friendly. He reminds me of someone in my town actually. But I'm not sure why. I feel comfortable talking to him and I trust him far more than is safe for me to trust someone I have actually met. Out of all the friends I made he was my favourite. It was easy to talk to him, unlike the others.
I spent most of my free time out on deck. By the pool if I wanted to find people and it was sunny, by the pool but under shelter if it was raining or really windy and I wanted to find someone or write in my diary without the pages being blown everywhere or soaked. Or I would go up a deck and stand in the wind where there were no other people when I wanted to be by myself. Dinner was the only time I really spent with my dad when we were on the ship because he stuck to our cabin the rest of the time. The food at dinner was very posh and I didn't eat that much. I preferred the buffet but even then it was a struggle for me to eat. However our waitress at the restaurant was really cheerful and friendly. She would stand around and talk to us. She was absolutely lovely. We sat on a table where it was just the two of us, unlike on others where you were sat with strangers. Behind me sat a man we nicknamed "Brick", watch Outnumbered if you don't understand why. We never spoke to this man and he has no clue of our nickname for him. But it just fitted so well. We got a good view of the people below us. One table had a very fat woman with gigantic boobs and low cut tops, so every time we looked down, that was what we saw of her. Their child would have a plate of chips and a bottle of ketchup with his dinner and would sit and play on his DS throughout the meal. Which irritated me even from the floor above because my parents have spent a long time trying to force to me to sit at the dinner table with nothing to do but talk/watch the DVD we put on. I hated leaving my book or DS behind, but it's considered rude to bring them to the table. So why should this kid be allowed to sit and do that. In your own home is one thing, but when your out? The dad was bald, possibly by choice. And there was a conversation on our table about if we threw butter at his head would it stick or slide off? On a nearby table was a very gorgeous guy (near the table I described I mean) who seemed to be with his girlfriend. She was one of those ever-so-perfect people that I just want to throttle. Admittedly, admiring this seriously hot guy did cause me to knock over my coke in my failure to pay attention to what I was doing though.
The countries themselves were very far from what I expected.
Copenhagen didn't seem that great to me. They had a lot of statues of elephants. Some of them were really awesome. They had lots of statues of other things too. Their royal palace was beautiful from the outside but dark and dingy inside. Their guard people that we saw outside a parliament building turned their face behind their rifles when we went to take a picture. Which led to comments when we had got away about how our special forces get taught how to pixelate their faces, partly thought up thanks to Top Gear when they go to the North Pole. Their shopping centre was very far away and had shops that I would find in the town centre at home. We didn't find much else to do.
Stockholm was beautiful. Our first view was of forests. The city contained some really cool shops that I would have spent a fortune in, except they opened later than our arrival. Their royal palace was seriously cool, but bettered by the Russian a few days later. Their guys were hot. Their bookshops were awesome. I loved everything about it. I knew from that day that I am going to live in Sweden when I'm older.
Helsinki was big and boxy and Americanised. The person in the first music shop I went to was very friendly. He directed me to a second music shop where I could buy some Finnish metal. The people there weren't so friendly. But I got what I wanted. I haven't listened to it yet though. So I don't know what it's like. They have a lot of hot guys too.
The Summer Palace in Pushkin, Russia is beautiful and the gardens are a piece of Heaven. I love the story behind those doll things, it's so sweet. And the tradition of giving them to people when you go to a new place and stuff is really cool. I love the bit about giving Faberge eggs to "a woman you really care about" too. St Peters burg was a great place. But I have to say, the people I encountered were very rude and that did spoil the country. And so did the fact all their women/girls look better than me :p
Estonia was beautiful. I wouldn't want to live there though. Oh and their medieval food was plain gross. They have a cool castle though. And they created like, 80% vodka. Erm, there were lots of trees. I spent the day on a coach mostly so there isn't that much to say about it because I don't know that much about it.
Gothenburg was great. The culture festival thing was awesome and I wish I'd stayed to see more. Their botanical gardens rival Russia's palace gardens. There were a lot of emos too. Like Stockholm, it's utterly amazing and going there strengthened my desire to live there.
And there you go. The main things I had to write about my holiday. Finally complete.
Thursday, 4 August 2011
Untitled Short Story
This was thrown together because a friend had wanted to read a piece of my writing to see my style. I haven't heard from her since. But this story is not going to waste. (P.S. Any tips on how I can write better are ALWAYS welcome)
I had risked everything for him. Yes - everything. My friends, my family - even my life. Just to be with him. Because I had believed him. I believed him when he said he loved me. And I had believed myself. I had believed myself when I said I loved him. And so despite everything I had travelled to find him. And oh I found him alright. With another fucking woman!
I stopped when I realised I couldn't see. I wiped away the tears blurring my vision, disgusted at the sight of them. That arsehole didn't deserve me. I owed him nothing. Not even tears. I swallowed back the next flood daring to even think if leaving my eyes, and looked around. After I'd seen him with that slut I'd stormed off. And I'd walked and thought and cried and run until I had no clue where I was. All I knew that I was in the mountains somewhere.
I sat down in defeat. And fresh tears formed - I had nothing and no-one, I was lost and going to starve to death here. I cried for hours and hours until I heard a male voice.
"Why on Earth is a beautiful woman like you crying out here alone?"
I looked up and my breath caught in my throat. It was the man I had seen in all my dreams, I had always wondered who he was. He was stunning. The hottest guy I had ever met. His brown eyes were full of concern, partially hidden by his long dark hair that fell over his face. He lifted a hand to brush it back and even his hand was gorgeous.
"Sorry" - his voice brought back memories of cozy nights snowed in, the forest we went to on holiday every year in my teens, the bonfire we lit the night before we came home, the river I played in as a child, dancing in the rain with my sisters and the freedom I had enjoyed when I was younger. All my favourite memories.
My cheeks flushed bright red as I realised I'd been staring.
"I shouldn't have asked that. My name's Jove by the way"
I found my voice again although it was slightly croaky from the abuse my throat had suffered in my anger.
"No, it's - fine. Jove." I was far more hesitant than usual. Unsure, for the first time ever, what to do or say. "I'm Astarte. And, to answer your question, I have, just, hadmyheartbroken". I mumbles the last bit rather quickly, afraid of more tears.
Somehow though, I knew I could trust this stranger - Jove.
"May I sit with you Astarte?" I smiled my answer. My famous smile that could melt the heart of the ice queen herself.
So he sat close to me and put his arm around my shoulders. Normally I would be offended at this move. But with him it felt so right and natural. And I liked it.
We began to talk. And we both talked about everything. Our lives before, our lives ahead, ourselves, the people we knew, our homes. In those hours I don't think a single topic was left uncovered. He was kind and sweet and made me laugh. We got on so well and had so much in common. We understood each other.
Slowly, each word was another stitch in to close the gap in my heart. And after a while, it was fixed and full again. Who could compare to Jove? My earlier hurt forgotten, I was in love again.
We finally ran out of things to say. And then we sat and stared into each others eyes. He leaned forward without realising. I closed the gap. There was sparks and healing and love and a need for more. We finally drew apart, breathless. And, as I looked once more into his eyes, I knew for certain that Jove was my soul mate.
Personally I think it's rather overdone. I'll have to do better next time
I had risked everything for him. Yes - everything. My friends, my family - even my life. Just to be with him. Because I had believed him. I believed him when he said he loved me. And I had believed myself. I had believed myself when I said I loved him. And so despite everything I had travelled to find him. And oh I found him alright. With another fucking woman!
I stopped when I realised I couldn't see. I wiped away the tears blurring my vision, disgusted at the sight of them. That arsehole didn't deserve me. I owed him nothing. Not even tears. I swallowed back the next flood daring to even think if leaving my eyes, and looked around. After I'd seen him with that slut I'd stormed off. And I'd walked and thought and cried and run until I had no clue where I was. All I knew that I was in the mountains somewhere.
I sat down in defeat. And fresh tears formed - I had nothing and no-one, I was lost and going to starve to death here. I cried for hours and hours until I heard a male voice.
"Why on Earth is a beautiful woman like you crying out here alone?"
I looked up and my breath caught in my throat. It was the man I had seen in all my dreams, I had always wondered who he was. He was stunning. The hottest guy I had ever met. His brown eyes were full of concern, partially hidden by his long dark hair that fell over his face. He lifted a hand to brush it back and even his hand was gorgeous.
"Sorry" - his voice brought back memories of cozy nights snowed in, the forest we went to on holiday every year in my teens, the bonfire we lit the night before we came home, the river I played in as a child, dancing in the rain with my sisters and the freedom I had enjoyed when I was younger. All my favourite memories.
My cheeks flushed bright red as I realised I'd been staring.
"I shouldn't have asked that. My name's Jove by the way"
I found my voice again although it was slightly croaky from the abuse my throat had suffered in my anger.
"No, it's - fine. Jove." I was far more hesitant than usual. Unsure, for the first time ever, what to do or say. "I'm Astarte. And, to answer your question, I have, just, hadmyheartbroken". I mumbles the last bit rather quickly, afraid of more tears.
Somehow though, I knew I could trust this stranger - Jove.
"May I sit with you Astarte?" I smiled my answer. My famous smile that could melt the heart of the ice queen herself.
So he sat close to me and put his arm around my shoulders. Normally I would be offended at this move. But with him it felt so right and natural. And I liked it.
We began to talk. And we both talked about everything. Our lives before, our lives ahead, ourselves, the people we knew, our homes. In those hours I don't think a single topic was left uncovered. He was kind and sweet and made me laugh. We got on so well and had so much in common. We understood each other.
Slowly, each word was another stitch in to close the gap in my heart. And after a while, it was fixed and full again. Who could compare to Jove? My earlier hurt forgotten, I was in love again.
We finally ran out of things to say. And then we sat and stared into each others eyes. He leaned forward without realising. I closed the gap. There was sparks and healing and love and a need for more. We finally drew apart, breathless. And, as I looked once more into his eyes, I knew for certain that Jove was my soul mate.
Personally I think it's rather overdone. I'll have to do better next time
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Anger
I would tell them to their faces exactly what I think of them, what I say behind their backs. Except I say it in moments of anger and then forget it. In front of them my mind goes blank, I begin to stutter, I get too emotional. But I am just so god damn fucking sick of hearing from them.
I could put up with them and be civil. But every time my anger cools, someone goes and brings it back in it's full consuming red hot fiery-ness. This morning it was OK. I was rather bored, but very calm. And then Amelie texted me. I don't mind Amelie. I don't trust her and harbour a lot of hate for her but it's not her fault. That's from Marzena stirring up shit between us. So I can tolerate her. I admit, I assumed she wanted something. Actually, she did. Anyway, not the point.
We were talking about what we did so far over the holidays. She goes to another school and has been grounded, so she doesn't know what's been happening. She says "haven't you been out with the others?" - Well, obviously not. "Didn't you go to Marzena's farewell party thing? Were you invited?"
Well, of course I wasn't, which is fine. Like I would have wanted to go to the ice queens party. Unfortunately, it's temporary. She's going on holiday. Not leaving the country .... Anyway, Amelie didn't understand why I there was no way I hadn't been invited. So I had to explain. And it just brought back all the anger I have towards her.
She ruined my friendship with Jack. She started me self harming again. She ruined my friendship with Amelie. She has bitched about Hannah so, so many times to us. And yet she acts like her best fucking friend. And I don't care about not being invited. But she didn't invite her "cousin"/"sister" (she was my sister. Just goes to prove that she is trying to take all my friends)/"best friend" Amelie. Who is very hurt - she hasn't figured Marzena out like I have. And she invited two people - Eva and Shannon who she was MAD at the other month, talking about how they were such shit friends. This was after the first argument we all had, we'd all become "friends" again. Marzena was ever so lovely to me: I wasn't the hated any more, it was Hannah. But I've figured that it doesn't matter who anyone is. If they love Marzena then she'll fake nice to them whilst simultaneously making them miserable (she flirts with both Amelie's and Eva's boyfriends so much I'm surprised neither of them have killed her!). And if they don't she declares outright war on them and makes them sound like utter bitches. You know, she had the balls to say that Ganika made up most of what was said that caused us to fall out in the first place. Amelie believes it - she never liked Ganika. It's a fucking good job she never tried to say it to me!
And these complaints are all very petty and childish. I know that. But the thing is, it's because she's being so petty and childish. I thought this sort of behaviour was WIPED OUT by the time people reached 15 - for Goddess' sake, she's almost 16 - not made worse. She's the fucking devil put in our midst. And to hell with the implications against my sanity, I will do whatever it fucking takes to make her suffer for the anger and hurt she's caused all her "friends" with her patheticness. Even if it ruins my life in the process, I am going to fucking DESTROY hers!
(I know I won't but it's a nice thought :) )
I could put up with them and be civil. But every time my anger cools, someone goes and brings it back in it's full consuming red hot fiery-ness. This morning it was OK. I was rather bored, but very calm. And then Amelie texted me. I don't mind Amelie. I don't trust her and harbour a lot of hate for her but it's not her fault. That's from Marzena stirring up shit between us. So I can tolerate her. I admit, I assumed she wanted something. Actually, she did. Anyway, not the point.
We were talking about what we did so far over the holidays. She goes to another school and has been grounded, so she doesn't know what's been happening. She says "haven't you been out with the others?" - Well, obviously not. "Didn't you go to Marzena's farewell party thing? Were you invited?"
Well, of course I wasn't, which is fine. Like I would have wanted to go to the ice queens party. Unfortunately, it's temporary. She's going on holiday. Not leaving the country .... Anyway, Amelie didn't understand why I there was no way I hadn't been invited. So I had to explain. And it just brought back all the anger I have towards her.
She ruined my friendship with Jack. She started me self harming again. She ruined my friendship with Amelie. She has bitched about Hannah so, so many times to us. And yet she acts like her best fucking friend. And I don't care about not being invited. But she didn't invite her "cousin"/"sister" (she was my sister. Just goes to prove that she is trying to take all my friends)/"best friend" Amelie. Who is very hurt - she hasn't figured Marzena out like I have. And she invited two people - Eva and Shannon who she was MAD at the other month, talking about how they were such shit friends. This was after the first argument we all had, we'd all become "friends" again. Marzena was ever so lovely to me: I wasn't the hated any more, it was Hannah. But I've figured that it doesn't matter who anyone is. If they love Marzena then she'll fake nice to them whilst simultaneously making them miserable (she flirts with both Amelie's and Eva's boyfriends so much I'm surprised neither of them have killed her!). And if they don't she declares outright war on them and makes them sound like utter bitches. You know, she had the balls to say that Ganika made up most of what was said that caused us to fall out in the first place. Amelie believes it - she never liked Ganika. It's a fucking good job she never tried to say it to me!
And these complaints are all very petty and childish. I know that. But the thing is, it's because she's being so petty and childish. I thought this sort of behaviour was WIPED OUT by the time people reached 15 - for Goddess' sake, she's almost 16 - not made worse. She's the fucking devil put in our midst. And to hell with the implications against my sanity, I will do whatever it fucking takes to make her suffer for the anger and hurt she's caused all her "friends" with her patheticness. Even if it ruins my life in the process, I am going to fucking DESTROY hers!
(I know I won't but it's a nice thought :) )
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
Whinging / Gratefullness
All I ever seem to do is whinge and complain. My past few entries are proof of that. And I hate it. Goddess knows how irritating that must be for people who know me. So instead of just whinging about whinging (and oh my goddess, isn't whinging such a horrible pathetic word?), I'm going to put a cheerful entry listing all the reasons I have to not complain about.
I have a loving family
I am spoiled rotten
I have 4 brilliant friends
I have all my lovely friends on interpals (thanks particularly to Syukri for being kind and actually staying friends with me for so long)
I am going on the greatest holiday ever soon
I've been to France, Italy, Spain and Belgium - more than a lot of people
I have a school and therefore an education - so I can have a reasonable standard of living as an adult
I'm not too ugly, and I'm not fat
My determination allows me to do almost anything
I'm fairly smart - when I start year 11 my history teacher wants me to join the year 12 debate team
My writing is improving
I have a house, 3 meals a day, countless snacks and clothes
I have all 5 of my senses working (not perfectly because I need glasses and my hearing has been damaged by the amount of loud music I listen to. But still)
I can listen to music
I play in a steel band - making music is a hugely spiritual and beautiful thing for me
I live in a very well off country where I can find anything I need
I don't live in a war zone
I can dream about a future that isn't completely unrealistic
I have good health
I have always had freedom of religion
I am not a slave of any kind - my life is my own and I am free
These are all things I take for granted or outright deny the majority of the time. So I would just like to say, here and now - I am grateful. And thank you to whatever divine being dictates which life we live when for giving me such a brilliant one. I do appreciate it - when I think to.
I have a loving family
I am spoiled rotten
I have 4 brilliant friends
I have all my lovely friends on interpals (thanks particularly to Syukri for being kind and actually staying friends with me for so long)
I am going on the greatest holiday ever soon
I've been to France, Italy, Spain and Belgium - more than a lot of people
I have a school and therefore an education - so I can have a reasonable standard of living as an adult
I'm not too ugly, and I'm not fat
My determination allows me to do almost anything
I'm fairly smart - when I start year 11 my history teacher wants me to join the year 12 debate team
My writing is improving
I have a house, 3 meals a day, countless snacks and clothes
I have all 5 of my senses working (not perfectly because I need glasses and my hearing has been damaged by the amount of loud music I listen to. But still)
I can listen to music
I play in a steel band - making music is a hugely spiritual and beautiful thing for me
I live in a very well off country where I can find anything I need
I don't live in a war zone
I can dream about a future that isn't completely unrealistic
I have good health
I have always had freedom of religion
I am not a slave of any kind - my life is my own and I am free
These are all things I take for granted or outright deny the majority of the time. So I would just like to say, here and now - I am grateful. And thank you to whatever divine being dictates which life we live when for giving me such a brilliant one. I do appreciate it - when I think to.
Thursday, 14 July 2011
Story Ideas
I know people aren't likely to comment on this but if there is anyone who actually reads this and can be of any help, please comment.
In an attempt to improve my writing skills I keep this blog, I write in my diary daily, I try to write about real life people and why they're the way they are. I write about Iva Death, the girl I mentioned in my last blog thing-a-magig. I'm still in the process of creating her charicter. I do occasional writing excercises although I'm not in the habit of doing those regularly. And I try to do "morning pages" where I write three pages of my first thoughts as soon as I wake up in the hope that one day it may inspire me creativly - except that I have to wake up early to do it and manage a paragraph maximum before I go back to sleep.
Those I don't do regularly I am working on. But that's not my issue today.
I want to try some work on short stories. But I seem to have writers block at the moment. Normally I'm overflowing with ideas so this is rather strange for me.
But, writers block aside because this will hopefully be usefull anyway. Does anybody know any ways to get some good ideas for stories? Short or long since i hope to attempt both in the near future.
Thankyou for any contributions.
In an attempt to improve my writing skills I keep this blog, I write in my diary daily, I try to write about real life people and why they're the way they are. I write about Iva Death, the girl I mentioned in my last blog thing-a-magig. I'm still in the process of creating her charicter. I do occasional writing excercises although I'm not in the habit of doing those regularly. And I try to do "morning pages" where I write three pages of my first thoughts as soon as I wake up in the hope that one day it may inspire me creativly - except that I have to wake up early to do it and manage a paragraph maximum before I go back to sleep.
Those I don't do regularly I am working on. But that's not my issue today.
I want to try some work on short stories. But I seem to have writers block at the moment. Normally I'm overflowing with ideas so this is rather strange for me.
But, writers block aside because this will hopefully be usefull anyway. Does anybody know any ways to get some good ideas for stories? Short or long since i hope to attempt both in the near future.
Thankyou for any contributions.
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
Escape
(These scenes are not in an order. They are from different fantasies. Apart from the last one)
Scene 1: I looked out of the plane window and there it was: America. I'd been waiting and dreaming for so long, I finally got here. I was away from everything. The town, the home, the people. And I could make something of myself here! I'd be able to put the past behind me and be whoever I wanted to be with no worry about seeing the people who sped up my move.
Scene 2: University. The idea of it scared me when I was 15. Study and learning for an extra two years. But there was always the excitement of moving away, learning what I want to know and being free of the life I had. The fears gone. The excitement of freedom has grown. I'm not home. I don't know anyone here. I can start again. I don't have the problems from before. I would have loved to have solved them but it was impossible. Common sense just fell on deaf ears. But never mind, it's past now. I have a whole new future to enjoy.
Scene 3: Iva (A fictional character of my creation that I like to pretend to be) doesn't need to escape. She sits out in her gigantic back garden with her two best friends, Faye and Leandro. She's happy. She needs nothing else from life. These two people will stand beside her for her whole life. They will help her through the bad times and celebrate with her in the good times. And she shall do the same for them. This island is her home. She wants for nothing. She has nothing to fear, no reason to regret. Her life is perfect and she can carry on enjoying it for the rest of eternity (she's a Vampire - but Vampires are born not made. The Undead are made).
Scene 4: A girl who's fairly average sits in front of a computer. And under a fake name types about how much she longs for escape. The people she trusted turned on her time and time again. With actual calmness she thought how she was going to drive them to suicide. She stopped because she realised that anyone who thinks that way is clearly sick. She lives in a town that is better than many. But there is no room for it for a girl of her aspirations. She can't stand the place, or her life. Her only solace is in her imaginations. In her fantasy she can be this Vampire, Iva Death that she created who is absolutely perfect. But with her deeper flaws making her easier to identify with and more realistic. She can escape to the Island of Etusmaa where she is practically royalty. In her mind she can think of the future. She can imagine when she moves out to university. She hopes to go to Oxford. And she'll be away from everyone here. She knows she isn't stupid and that she can get there if she works hard enough. The only people she knows who are smart enough to get in are lovely people. She doesn't mind seeing them again. After Uni she plans to go live in New York City. There she can really make something of herself. And she can start afresh. She'll be away from everything she wants to disappear. Only coming back to visit family. Yes, whatever reality is like, the imagination always provides an escape ....
Scene 1: I looked out of the plane window and there it was: America. I'd been waiting and dreaming for so long, I finally got here. I was away from everything. The town, the home, the people. And I could make something of myself here! I'd be able to put the past behind me and be whoever I wanted to be with no worry about seeing the people who sped up my move.
Scene 2: University. The idea of it scared me when I was 15. Study and learning for an extra two years. But there was always the excitement of moving away, learning what I want to know and being free of the life I had. The fears gone. The excitement of freedom has grown. I'm not home. I don't know anyone here. I can start again. I don't have the problems from before. I would have loved to have solved them but it was impossible. Common sense just fell on deaf ears. But never mind, it's past now. I have a whole new future to enjoy.
Scene 3: Iva (A fictional character of my creation that I like to pretend to be) doesn't need to escape. She sits out in her gigantic back garden with her two best friends, Faye and Leandro. She's happy. She needs nothing else from life. These two people will stand beside her for her whole life. They will help her through the bad times and celebrate with her in the good times. And she shall do the same for them. This island is her home. She wants for nothing. She has nothing to fear, no reason to regret. Her life is perfect and she can carry on enjoying it for the rest of eternity (she's a Vampire - but Vampires are born not made. The Undead are made).
Scene 4: A girl who's fairly average sits in front of a computer. And under a fake name types about how much she longs for escape. The people she trusted turned on her time and time again. With actual calmness she thought how she was going to drive them to suicide. She stopped because she realised that anyone who thinks that way is clearly sick. She lives in a town that is better than many. But there is no room for it for a girl of her aspirations. She can't stand the place, or her life. Her only solace is in her imaginations. In her fantasy she can be this Vampire, Iva Death that she created who is absolutely perfect. But with her deeper flaws making her easier to identify with and more realistic. She can escape to the Island of Etusmaa where she is practically royalty. In her mind she can think of the future. She can imagine when she moves out to university. She hopes to go to Oxford. And she'll be away from everyone here. She knows she isn't stupid and that she can get there if she works hard enough. The only people she knows who are smart enough to get in are lovely people. She doesn't mind seeing them again. After Uni she plans to go live in New York City. There she can really make something of herself. And she can start afresh. She'll be away from everything she wants to disappear. Only coming back to visit family. Yes, whatever reality is like, the imagination always provides an escape ....
Thursday, 7 July 2011
Self Harm
So I self harm again. If you guys didn't know that it wouldn't affect you in any way. And to be honest, it isn't your business. It's mine and no-one elses.
The other week I rather stupidly wore a skirt to school. I wore tights too, but you could still see all my cuts because the tights are too thin (I cut on my legs this time because the theory was that they wouldn't get seen). My skirt was long enough to cover them.
But I was sitting down and only Ganika, Amisha and Scarlett were with me. Scarlett knows about my self harm from seeing me playing with my sharpener blade. But she doesn't care. Amisha and Ganika wouldn't understand why I was doing it and so wouldn't think I was. So the 3 of them hadn't seen the bright red, quite fresh cuts through my tights (that were now visible because my skirt had hitched up). I was pretty comfortable, I forgot about them.
Until Marzena walked up. She saw them and started making a big fuss and hugged me and was all "don't do that". Then she threatened to tell Amilie. Amilie texted me later on asking if it was true. I told her it wasn't. It was what she wanted to hear so she believed it.
I was very annoyed but had let it lie. Except Marzena brought it up today.
But I don't like them anyway. So therefore, it has nothing to do with them. They caused me to start again. And they don't give a shit about me. So why should they give a shit if I self harm.
What I do to my body is my choice. No-one can tell me otherwise. I'm not hurting them, I'm only hurting myself. It doesn'thave to affect them at all if they keep their fucking noses out of my business. It's stupid.
Originally, Marzena would threatenm to tell the guy I fancied, then Amilie, and now Andrew. Telling them doesn't do a thing.
I don't actually want to do it. It's quite hard. I want to want to do it. And sometimes it's just easier than suicide. At times it's a cry for help, for people to realise I'm not okay! I want someone to care. To hug me and tell me I don't need to cut myself, because they're there for me.
I stopped before because the guy I was going out with convinced me to: because I felt that someone genuinly cared. I kept to it even when I felt awful for months and months - long after we broke up. And then I thought "fuck it"
My parents don't care. They make me feel like shit half the time. I argued with all my "friends" and so I have no reason to keep my promise to them. I broke up with the guy who convinced me to stop. So I have no reason, no promises, to stop me. I have no-one I owe it too. I was always doing it for them. It didn't help me.
It just really pissed me off the way Marzena fucked up so many of my friendships, stopped me going to Iceland, started me self harming again, depressed me. backstabbed me and made me feel like shit. Then she has the guts to act like nothing's ever happened and I'm her best friend because there's someone else she hates even more and I'm not the outcast anymore. So now she cares enough to be able to "do whats right" about my slef harm by stirring up shit and making me feel like crap. When it's nothing to do with her!!!!!!!!!!!
The other week I rather stupidly wore a skirt to school. I wore tights too, but you could still see all my cuts because the tights are too thin (I cut on my legs this time because the theory was that they wouldn't get seen). My skirt was long enough to cover them.
But I was sitting down and only Ganika, Amisha and Scarlett were with me. Scarlett knows about my self harm from seeing me playing with my sharpener blade. But she doesn't care. Amisha and Ganika wouldn't understand why I was doing it and so wouldn't think I was. So the 3 of them hadn't seen the bright red, quite fresh cuts through my tights (that were now visible because my skirt had hitched up). I was pretty comfortable, I forgot about them.
Until Marzena walked up. She saw them and started making a big fuss and hugged me and was all "don't do that". Then she threatened to tell Amilie. Amilie texted me later on asking if it was true. I told her it wasn't. It was what she wanted to hear so she believed it.
I was very annoyed but had let it lie. Except Marzena brought it up today.
But I don't like them anyway. So therefore, it has nothing to do with them. They caused me to start again. And they don't give a shit about me. So why should they give a shit if I self harm.
What I do to my body is my choice. No-one can tell me otherwise. I'm not hurting them, I'm only hurting myself. It doesn'thave to affect them at all if they keep their fucking noses out of my business. It's stupid.
Originally, Marzena would threatenm to tell the guy I fancied, then Amilie, and now Andrew. Telling them doesn't do a thing.
I don't actually want to do it. It's quite hard. I want to want to do it. And sometimes it's just easier than suicide. At times it's a cry for help, for people to realise I'm not okay! I want someone to care. To hug me and tell me I don't need to cut myself, because they're there for me.
I stopped before because the guy I was going out with convinced me to: because I felt that someone genuinly cared. I kept to it even when I felt awful for months and months - long after we broke up. And then I thought "fuck it"
My parents don't care. They make me feel like shit half the time. I argued with all my "friends" and so I have no reason to keep my promise to them. I broke up with the guy who convinced me to stop. So I have no reason, no promises, to stop me. I have no-one I owe it too. I was always doing it for them. It didn't help me.
It just really pissed me off the way Marzena fucked up so many of my friendships, stopped me going to Iceland, started me self harming again, depressed me. backstabbed me and made me feel like shit. Then she has the guts to act like nothing's ever happened and I'm her best friend because there's someone else she hates even more and I'm not the outcast anymore. So now she cares enough to be able to "do whats right" about my slef harm by stirring up shit and making me feel like crap. When it's nothing to do with her!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, 30 June 2011
Perfection Is A LIE
I'm not the prettiest or the funniest or the smartest or the best at anything. In fact, if you put me with my friends (including those I'm deliberatly drifting away from) - you won't notice me at all. I had two things that I could do though. Writing and history.
History was good because there's this one girl at school. She's the Perfect One. And she was always better than me at everything. And I was doing so well, getting all A*s in my mocks, coming top of the class, being two marks away from perfection.I was the best student my teacher had ever had. And then, it disappeared. She's the perfect one. And I'm back where I was before - invisible.
It's frustrating because I've always wanted to be good at something. I've always wanted to be appreciated and loved for who I am. This was one small victory. I was good at something.
And as for my writing, if you've read any of my blog posts you'll see how pathetic I am at that. Especially if you read my other one where I was meant to be convincing people my house was haunted and after one post I deleted it because it was so shit.
So I decided then and there, I had to kill her. I didn't care how. I just wanted her gone.
I wish. I know I'm just jealous and it's quite petty. But I can't help but feel I've been replaced. And as if I'm now useless and unwanted and alone.
I can make myself go unseen if I need to. I'm the invisible one. That's my only talent. Making people not see me. But I don't really try with that. Mostly I just be with other people, that way no-one would want to look at me.
And the problem is, I hate being invisible. I'm sick of hearing about how everyone's better than me at everything. And I'm really sick of smiling and congratulating them like a kind, caring friend I'm meant to be.
I'm not going to lie, I get compliments. But only from my friends. And they're lies. Despite the title, that's the lie. Any good thing anyone ever accidentally thought about me. They're see through lies.
The other lies, i.e. perfection, are so hard to find. Because the imperfection (the fact that these "perfect" people are ruthless bitches!) is so well hidden. At least I'm honest. I get that I'm fucking awful. And I gave up on trying to be better.
I just get so, so sick of being the only one without a talent. Some people are good at everything. And some only have one thing. I only had one thing. But now I'm back to none. No talents, no personality, no looks. What on earth do I have thats worth living for? I'm a fucking fail of a person. No-one would give a shit if I disappeared. I doubt they'd even notice. I tried to drown myself in the bath today. But I stopped when an alam went off on my phone. If only I hadn't stopped ....
Never mind, I'm going to stop whining and find an excuse to not be seen with my pretty, funny, smart, perfect "friends" (I hate them for an entirely different reason) so that I might get some recognotion once or twice in my life.
History was good because there's this one girl at school. She's the Perfect One. And she was always better than me at everything. And I was doing so well, getting all A*s in my mocks, coming top of the class, being two marks away from perfection.I was the best student my teacher had ever had. And then, it disappeared. She's the perfect one. And I'm back where I was before - invisible.
It's frustrating because I've always wanted to be good at something. I've always wanted to be appreciated and loved for who I am. This was one small victory. I was good at something.
And as for my writing, if you've read any of my blog posts you'll see how pathetic I am at that. Especially if you read my other one where I was meant to be convincing people my house was haunted and after one post I deleted it because it was so shit.
So I decided then and there, I had to kill her. I didn't care how. I just wanted her gone.
I wish. I know I'm just jealous and it's quite petty. But I can't help but feel I've been replaced. And as if I'm now useless and unwanted and alone.
I can make myself go unseen if I need to. I'm the invisible one. That's my only talent. Making people not see me. But I don't really try with that. Mostly I just be with other people, that way no-one would want to look at me.
And the problem is, I hate being invisible. I'm sick of hearing about how everyone's better than me at everything. And I'm really sick of smiling and congratulating them like a kind, caring friend I'm meant to be.
I'm not going to lie, I get compliments. But only from my friends. And they're lies. Despite the title, that's the lie. Any good thing anyone ever accidentally thought about me. They're see through lies.
The other lies, i.e. perfection, are so hard to find. Because the imperfection (the fact that these "perfect" people are ruthless bitches!) is so well hidden. At least I'm honest. I get that I'm fucking awful. And I gave up on trying to be better.
I just get so, so sick of being the only one without a talent. Some people are good at everything. And some only have one thing. I only had one thing. But now I'm back to none. No talents, no personality, no looks. What on earth do I have thats worth living for? I'm a fucking fail of a person. No-one would give a shit if I disappeared. I doubt they'd even notice. I tried to drown myself in the bath today. But I stopped when an alam went off on my phone. If only I hadn't stopped ....
Never mind, I'm going to stop whining and find an excuse to not be seen with my pretty, funny, smart, perfect "friends" (I hate them for an entirely different reason) so that I might get some recognotion once or twice in my life.
Thursday, 2 June 2011
32 Things To Do In A Queue At A Theme Park
Everyone gets bored when you're in a 50 minute (or longer) queue for a ride. Including me and my friends. So yesterday, we thought we'd entertain ourselves (and annoy the people behind us :p ) and write a list as we were doing it. We wanted to reach 100 but by the time we got to 32 we were at the front of the queue. (We didn't try all of these)
1. Do the macarena
2. Do other stupid dances
3. Stick your tongue out at people
4. Pretend your German
5. Or any other nationality
6. Make friends
7. Wave at strangers
8. Roll your eyes into the back of your head
9. Sing nursery rhymes
10. Play clapping games
11. Laugh at people
12. Flirt with cute guys/girls
13. Sit on barriers
14. Take weird photos
15. Text a friend
16. Lie on a coffin
17. Talk to the people in front of you
18. Or behind you
19. Do stupid things with your hair
20. Pretend its national hug day
21. Play mercy
22. Sing songs
23. Pull faces at each other
24. Pull faces at other people
25. Give each other piggy backs
26. Act camp
27. Prank call people
28. Mexican wave
29. Sing songs about bananas
30. Make up songs about bananas
31. Make your fingers get married
32. Pretend its someones birthday
1. Do the macarena
2. Do other stupid dances
3. Stick your tongue out at people
4. Pretend your German
5. Or any other nationality
6. Make friends
7. Wave at strangers
8. Roll your eyes into the back of your head
9. Sing nursery rhymes
10. Play clapping games
11. Laugh at people
12. Flirt with cute guys/girls
13. Sit on barriers
14. Take weird photos
15. Text a friend
16. Lie on a coffin
17. Talk to the people in front of you
18. Or behind you
19. Do stupid things with your hair
20. Pretend its national hug day
21. Play mercy
22. Sing songs
23. Pull faces at each other
24. Pull faces at other people
25. Give each other piggy backs
26. Act camp
27. Prank call people
28. Mexican wave
29. Sing songs about bananas
30. Make up songs about bananas
31. Make your fingers get married
32. Pretend its someones birthday
Monday, 23 May 2011
Why I HATE Maths Like A Jew Hates A Nazi
Ok, the titles a slight exaggeration. But I hate maths so so much. I could give you a lot of reasons.
I will NEVER use it
I can't STAND numbers
It's a WASTE OF TIME
It's too DIFFICULT
It's USELESS
It's BORING
And the latest, most frustrating thing? It's stopping my life!
I want to be a journalist when I'm older. That's mainly why I keep a blog. It's a chance for me to practice writing and hopefully get tips on how I can improve. So when I found out that through school I could get a week long course at the college in journalism - just a practise, a taster, I was incredibly excited. I HAD to go. Mum and Dad were even prepared to lie when they filled out the forms so I had more chance to get in. This was going to be great! It was just what I needed. And I would be missing school.
But then it turns out no-one in year ten from our school can go. I am missing out on a huge chance, one that I was really looking forward to. It might not be anything major. But it's one of those little things that make you stand out from all the other people applying for the job. And I would actually use it in my life. But I can't because I have a maths exam =.=
Maths which will never affect me. I will never need algebra in my life. Not for my job. Not for sixth form/college or for uni. Not for everyday life. So I'm sitting doing a useless exam that lasts about an hour and a half maybe. Which I dont want to take. And which affects me in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM. And it's causing me to miss out on a week of learning things I will use and that I really want to do. Yeah, thanks maths. Love you loads. If you want me, I'll be in my room blaring Eisbrecher and sticking pins in to a vodoo doll of you (just kidding about the vodoo doll bit. I dont do vodoo. And even if I did, it's maths - you can't make a doll of it) ....
I will NEVER use it
I can't STAND numbers
It's a WASTE OF TIME
It's too DIFFICULT
It's USELESS
It's BORING
And the latest, most frustrating thing? It's stopping my life!
I want to be a journalist when I'm older. That's mainly why I keep a blog. It's a chance for me to practice writing and hopefully get tips on how I can improve. So when I found out that through school I could get a week long course at the college in journalism - just a practise, a taster, I was incredibly excited. I HAD to go. Mum and Dad were even prepared to lie when they filled out the forms so I had more chance to get in. This was going to be great! It was just what I needed. And I would be missing school.
But then it turns out no-one in year ten from our school can go. I am missing out on a huge chance, one that I was really looking forward to. It might not be anything major. But it's one of those little things that make you stand out from all the other people applying for the job. And I would actually use it in my life. But I can't because I have a maths exam =.=
Maths which will never affect me. I will never need algebra in my life. Not for my job. Not for sixth form/college or for uni. Not for everyday life. So I'm sitting doing a useless exam that lasts about an hour and a half maybe. Which I dont want to take. And which affects me in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM. And it's causing me to miss out on a week of learning things I will use and that I really want to do. Yeah, thanks maths. Love you loads. If you want me, I'll be in my room blaring Eisbrecher and sticking pins in to a vodoo doll of you (just kidding about the vodoo doll bit. I dont do vodoo. And even if I did, it's maths - you can't make a doll of it) ....
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
Field Of Paper Flowers
"Don't say I'm out of touch
With this rampant chaos, your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare I build my own world to escape"
Imaginary, Evanescence
As the quote suggests, I hat the real world. "There is nothing wrong with me, this is how I'm supposed to be. In a world of make belief, that don't believe in me" (Jesus of Suburbia, Greenday). It bores the crap out of me. So I like to live in my mind. I don't pay any attention to this world you strange people who live here call "Earth" (which I call "City of the Damned". Quote from the same song as before). Instead I focus on what's going on in what you would call my "imaigination" (which I call my "life" so that you weird alien-y peoples who live in the "City of the Damned", sorry I mean Earth, can understand. Or, when I don't care about your understanding, erm, I can't think of a quote :p ). So why should I write about the "real" world? I thought. Instead, everything in italics is from now on fantasy, unless it's a word or a phrase or whatever that I'm just putting emphasis on. Or it might be the truth but slightly embellished.
I'm now going to fill up the rest of this entry with imagination quotes :)
"I reject your own reality and substitue it for my own" Adam Savage
"Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will get you everywhere" Albert Einstein (I would like to come up with an edited version of this - "Logic will take you from A to B by train. Imagination will take you from A to B - or anywhere else for that matter - by space shuttle". I'm in a stupid mood :D )
"Imagination is the only weapon in a war against reality" Someone very smart who knew my mind very well
"I am inagination. I can see what the eyes cannot see. I can hear what the ears cannot hear. I can feel what the heart cannot feel" the imagination of Peter Nivo Zarlenga
"I beleive that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerfull than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death" Robert Fulghum, a man who clearly knows the truth
"The human mind can do anything" - Jack (This entire blog uses fake names for the people I know and myslef. So I can't turn round and put this persons real name now. Besides, if he found it he would then be able to use it against me cos i always argue with him and he always wins. Even though I'm normally right :p )
"Do you live, do you die
Do you bleed for the fantasy?
In your mind, through your eyes
Do you see it's the fantasy?" The Fantasy, 30 Seconds To Mars (The answer to all these is yes. Although the last one does qhite often become a "no" :p )
Sorry if any of this is offensive to anyone in any way, like the "City of the Damned" part and whatever. I don't mean it. I'm just in one of those moods :P :D
With this rampant chaos, your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare I build my own world to escape"
Imaginary, Evanescence
As the quote suggests, I hat the real world. "There is nothing wrong with me, this is how I'm supposed to be. In a world of make belief, that don't believe in me" (Jesus of Suburbia, Greenday). It bores the crap out of me. So I like to live in my mind. I don't pay any attention to this world you strange people who live here call "Earth" (which I call "City of the Damned". Quote from the same song as before). Instead I focus on what's going on in what you would call my "imaigination" (which I call my "life" so that you weird alien-y peoples who live in the "City of the Damned", sorry I mean Earth, can understand. Or, when I don't care about your understanding, erm, I can't think of a quote :p ). So why should I write about the "real" world? I thought. Instead, everything in italics is from now on fantasy, unless it's a word or a phrase or whatever that I'm just putting emphasis on. Or it might be the truth but slightly embellished.
I'm now going to fill up the rest of this entry with imagination quotes :)
"I reject your own reality and substitue it for my own" Adam Savage
"Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will get you everywhere" Albert Einstein (I would like to come up with an edited version of this - "Logic will take you from A to B by train. Imagination will take you from A to B - or anywhere else for that matter - by space shuttle". I'm in a stupid mood :D )
"Imagination is the only weapon in a war against reality" Someone very smart who knew my mind very well
"I am inagination. I can see what the eyes cannot see. I can hear what the ears cannot hear. I can feel what the heart cannot feel" the imagination of Peter Nivo Zarlenga
"I beleive that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerfull than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death" Robert Fulghum, a man who clearly knows the truth
"The human mind can do anything" - Jack (This entire blog uses fake names for the people I know and myslef. So I can't turn round and put this persons real name now. Besides, if he found it he would then be able to use it against me cos i always argue with him and he always wins. Even though I'm normally right :p )
"Do you live, do you die
Do you bleed for the fantasy?
In your mind, through your eyes
Do you see it's the fantasy?" The Fantasy, 30 Seconds To Mars (The answer to all these is yes. Although the last one does qhite often become a "no" :p )
Sorry if any of this is offensive to anyone in any way, like the "City of the Damned" part and whatever. I don't mean it. I'm just in one of those moods :P :D
Monday, 16 May 2011
Bus Stop
I KNOW I'm not the only one that gets bored at bus stops. If you have someone with you, they're great. If you don't, they're crap. There is nothing to do.
Today I had a particularly loooooooooooong wait. And I'm going to have 4 waits tomorrow, thursday and sataday. So I sent round a text, hoping for some usefull advice or at least a laugh saying "10 things to do when you're at a bus stop, bored out of your mind and by yourself. Any suggestions?"
The replys were just begging to be posted. Please comment if you tried numbers 1,5,6,8,9, 10, 11 with peoples reactions :')
1. Dance
2. Listen to music
3. Text
4. Read mag/paper/book
5. Stalk fit boys (highly recommended by Marzena)
6. Sing
7. Strut
8. Talk to yourself
9. Play pranks on whoevers around you
10. Wet yourself
11. Flirt with the old people
12. Eat
13. Count cars passing
14. Count how many people are waiting with
15. Try to chat
16. Play on your phone
17. Sleep
18. Make up jokes in your head
19. Count how many animals you see
I've promised Eva I'll try number 11 tomorrow. And of course I'm still waiting for people to reply lol.
Today I had a particularly loooooooooooong wait. And I'm going to have 4 waits tomorrow, thursday and sataday. So I sent round a text, hoping for some usefull advice or at least a laugh saying "10 things to do when you're at a bus stop, bored out of your mind and by yourself. Any suggestions?"
The replys were just begging to be posted. Please comment if you tried numbers 1,5,6,8,9, 10, 11 with peoples reactions :')
1. Dance
2. Listen to music
3. Text
4. Read mag/paper/book
5. Stalk fit boys (highly recommended by Marzena)
6. Sing
7. Strut
8. Talk to yourself
9. Play pranks on whoevers around you
10. Wet yourself
11. Flirt with the old people
12. Eat
13. Count cars passing
14. Count how many people are waiting with
15. Try to chat
16. Play on your phone
17. Sleep
18. Make up jokes in your head
19. Count how many animals you see
I've promised Eva I'll try number 11 tomorrow. And of course I'm still waiting for people to reply lol.
Sunday, 8 May 2011
Worse Off
I quite often think I'm fucked up. I hate my life. I complain a lot. And as I've said before, I used to self harm. But then I think of other people.
Eva got sexually abused. And her boyfriends have all been pricks up until now. Her mum was raped as a teen. Her sister almost died from anorexia. Her grandad couldnt eat because of a brain tumour.
Jack has to act as a dad to his two little brothers. Because his dads such a prick.
Amisha hasnt seen her dad for two years.
Marzena had to move here from Poland, learn a new language and everything else that comes with moving country. Her brother fell in with the wrong crowd and she's now afraid of him.
Amelie was almost raped and almost killed.
Ellie's mum was put in prison.
I know some people whose mum died recently.
But none of them complain. Life goes on. You cant tell bad things have happened to them at all. And these are just the things I know about. There must be so much that I dont know. Because other people hide their problems.
I dont know how they do it. But I just wish I could be stronger. That I could be like them. And just cope and get on my life. Maybe I should ask them how they manage it. And for once in my life, I'll listen to peoples advice without zoning out once. And actually follow the advice for the first time ever
Eva got sexually abused. And her boyfriends have all been pricks up until now. Her mum was raped as a teen. Her sister almost died from anorexia. Her grandad couldnt eat because of a brain tumour.
Jack has to act as a dad to his two little brothers. Because his dads such a prick.
Amisha hasnt seen her dad for two years.
Marzena had to move here from Poland, learn a new language and everything else that comes with moving country. Her brother fell in with the wrong crowd and she's now afraid of him.
Amelie was almost raped and almost killed.
Ellie's mum was put in prison.
I know some people whose mum died recently.
But none of them complain. Life goes on. You cant tell bad things have happened to them at all. And these are just the things I know about. There must be so much that I dont know. Because other people hide their problems.
I dont know how they do it. But I just wish I could be stronger. That I could be like them. And just cope and get on my life. Maybe I should ask them how they manage it. And for once in my life, I'll listen to peoples advice without zoning out once. And actually follow the advice for the first time ever
Friday, 6 May 2011
Dear Eva
Dear Eva,
You're my best friend. And you are absolutely amazing. You're funny, kind, sweet and beautiful. You're loyal and always there for me. You hear what I mean not what I say. You redefine amazing. I couldnt ask for anyone better.
But I cant help but be jealous. Whats to not be jealous about?
Even though you've gone through so much, you're not a worse person for it. I could never manage that.
You're fun to be around, exciting and ready to try anything. Im boring.
Everyone loves you. I know what people say behind my back.
You're gorgeous in every single way. And well, just look at me.
You have a wonderful boyfriend. I just attract creeps like Ellis.
You're just - you're great. And I can't believe someone like you could be friends with someone like me.
So if i ever seem distant or bitchy - I don't mean to. I'm jealous of those that are close to you. I'm jealous of you.
You're paranoid about losing Jack because of you're previous experience with boyfriends. So you must be able to understand why I'm afraid you hate me based on previous experience with "best friends".
However things turn out, i just want you to know how brilliant you are and that the more I'm scared to lose or annoy you, the more I like you.
Love you,
Jezabel
You're my best friend. And you are absolutely amazing. You're funny, kind, sweet and beautiful. You're loyal and always there for me. You hear what I mean not what I say. You redefine amazing. I couldnt ask for anyone better.
But I cant help but be jealous. Whats to not be jealous about?
Even though you've gone through so much, you're not a worse person for it. I could never manage that.
You're fun to be around, exciting and ready to try anything. Im boring.
Everyone loves you. I know what people say behind my back.
You're gorgeous in every single way. And well, just look at me.
You have a wonderful boyfriend. I just attract creeps like Ellis.
You're just - you're great. And I can't believe someone like you could be friends with someone like me.
So if i ever seem distant or bitchy - I don't mean to. I'm jealous of those that are close to you. I'm jealous of you.
You're paranoid about losing Jack because of you're previous experience with boyfriends. So you must be able to understand why I'm afraid you hate me based on previous experience with "best friends".
However things turn out, i just want you to know how brilliant you are and that the more I'm scared to lose or annoy you, the more I like you.
Love you,
Jezabel
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
I am NOT a stereotype
How many labels do you think you can pin to me? I'll start with the basics.
Teen. Essex girl. English. Female.
My basic details. What do people assume from this?
Oh, I'm a teenager. I must go round stabbing people all the time and taking drugs and getting drunk and I must smoke. I'm probably anorexic. I stay out all night. I'm rude. I cause trouble. I don't give a shit about anyone else. WRONG!
I'm from Essex. I must wear really short skirts all the time. And heels. And revealing tops. I must pile on the make up and fake tan. I must be out clubbing all the time. I must be a total slag and sleep with every guy I can get my hands on and have a billion STIs. And be really common. WRONG!
Im English. I must be posh and stuck up and think I'm better than everyone else. And talk like the Queen. And go to a private school. And Daddy must be ever so rich. And I probably have a chauffer and a mansion and live out in the country. And I probably aspire to marry into royalty. WRONG!
Female. Well, some sexist bastards would say that makes me weak. And stupid. And that I belong in the kitchen. And can't do anything because it's a mans world. Some would even go so far as to say that the whole purpose of me living is to marry and have children. Then you get the creepy ones who think we're just there for them to have sex with. WRONG!
When you get to know me a bit more maybe you'll judge me on being a goth and an ex self harmer. On the fact I'm smart and go to a Catholic school.
You probably think I'm depressed all the time. That my only friends - if I have any at all - are other depressed goths. But because I'm smart I must be a teachers pet. With no friends and no social life. I must have no sense of humour and learning must be the be all and end all of life. A Catholic school? Well I must go to church every day and be very religious and follow the bible to the letter. I must be very virtous and afraid to sin. Or do you take the opposite view? That we must all be sluts? WRONG!
Maybe you've judged me by my hair colour or my religion, After all, all brunettes are boring right. And I'm Wiccan so I must be a devil worshipper and am planning to sacrifice you. And I'm evil and kill animals and eat them and you should be afraid of me. I'm possessed and dangerous. WRONG!
Try find something yourself. Find a stereotype. I'll put money on you being unable to make it stick. What about you? Do you fit into a stereotype? No? Well if I don't and you don't, maybe we're all like that. Maybe we're all unique and none of us are stereotypes. Maybe stereotypes are - and this is just a random guess here - a LIE. Just something to think about before you start to judge that person over there.
Teen. Essex girl. English. Female.
My basic details. What do people assume from this?
Oh, I'm a teenager. I must go round stabbing people all the time and taking drugs and getting drunk and I must smoke. I'm probably anorexic. I stay out all night. I'm rude. I cause trouble. I don't give a shit about anyone else. WRONG!
I'm from Essex. I must wear really short skirts all the time. And heels. And revealing tops. I must pile on the make up and fake tan. I must be out clubbing all the time. I must be a total slag and sleep with every guy I can get my hands on and have a billion STIs. And be really common. WRONG!
Im English. I must be posh and stuck up and think I'm better than everyone else. And talk like the Queen. And go to a private school. And Daddy must be ever so rich. And I probably have a chauffer and a mansion and live out in the country. And I probably aspire to marry into royalty. WRONG!
Female. Well, some sexist bastards would say that makes me weak. And stupid. And that I belong in the kitchen. And can't do anything because it's a mans world. Some would even go so far as to say that the whole purpose of me living is to marry and have children. Then you get the creepy ones who think we're just there for them to have sex with. WRONG!
When you get to know me a bit more maybe you'll judge me on being a goth and an ex self harmer. On the fact I'm smart and go to a Catholic school.
You probably think I'm depressed all the time. That my only friends - if I have any at all - are other depressed goths. But because I'm smart I must be a teachers pet. With no friends and no social life. I must have no sense of humour and learning must be the be all and end all of life. A Catholic school? Well I must go to church every day and be very religious and follow the bible to the letter. I must be very virtous and afraid to sin. Or do you take the opposite view? That we must all be sluts? WRONG!
Maybe you've judged me by my hair colour or my religion, After all, all brunettes are boring right. And I'm Wiccan so I must be a devil worshipper and am planning to sacrifice you. And I'm evil and kill animals and eat them and you should be afraid of me. I'm possessed and dangerous. WRONG!
Try find something yourself. Find a stereotype. I'll put money on you being unable to make it stick. What about you? Do you fit into a stereotype? No? Well if I don't and you don't, maybe we're all like that. Maybe we're all unique and none of us are stereotypes. Maybe stereotypes are - and this is just a random guess here - a LIE. Just something to think about before you start to judge that person over there.
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
Best Friends Boyfriend
There are a million ways to start my blog. Most of which would be a great way to prove my uniqueness and the way I am NOT like other teenage girls. But all that's going to have to go out the window. Because I need to set some thoughts straight, maybe get other peoples opinion and/or advice (if anyone ever reads this) and well - yeah.
Most guys I know are awful. I got asked out by one today who, from what I can gather, just wants sex and expects me to be some sort of whore (which I'm NOT). I know one that sits wanking in class. Two, when asked if a particular girl was pretty answered "she's got big boobs". My only ex recently had a plan to date 3 girls at once apparantly. And he thought he could get my best friend to dump her absolutely amazing boyfriend whom she loves to peices for him.
Talking of my best friend and her boyfriend brings me to my point. She's brilliant. Love her so much. She's funny and kind. Absolutley crazy. And utterly gorgeous. Loads of guys fancy her. And I'm VERY jealous.
Her boyfriend is sweet, caring, funny, kind, smart. He always argues with me - never serious arguements. And always wins. I'm quite good friends with him. Was from the start. But, things changed. And now it's difficult.
See, the school did a 4 day trip to Paris. I went. He went. She didn't. He acted differently. I don't quite know how. But he did. We argued non stop. I hated it. But I still liked him. As a really good friend. I guess thats when things started to change. But I didn't realise it.
The first obvious case of what I was thinking was at the top of the eiffel tower. I want shit scared. Hyperventilating. I knew it couldn't take my weight. I knew it was going to collapse. He was the only one that cared. The only one that even tried to comfort me. And he told me it'd be ok. He argued with me to distract me. And he has this thing where when he's comforting you (which he's great at), he'll put his face close to yours and he'll talk softly. He did that to me. And I just wanted him to hug me. A long, safe, comforting hug. Normal right? I also wanted him to kiss me. Not so normal.
I've refused to believe it meant anything. I was single and starting to get lonely. But we got back from Paris and I missed the arguements. Simply becasue I missed tlaking to him. I was jealous every time I saw the two together. Every time he spoke about her or she spoke about him. I tried to hide it.
When she wasn't there but me and him were, we would talk (I was trying to avoid argueing. I was getting pretty fed up of losing ;) ) loads. Constantly. We got on REALLY well. My friends started to suspect I fancied him. Only his girlfriend said to me that people said this. And only she didn't believe it. But if I wouldn't say it to myself, I wasn't going to say it to them. I lied, better than ever before. As for the first time, I began to wonder.
I'm always interested in a conversation if he's mentioned. I'm jealous every time I see him and his girlfriend together. Even though I'm happy that after so many total pricks, she's finally found someone who'll treat her right. Or another girl even mentions him or got to spend time with him.
I wrote a diary entry about the whole top of the eiffel tower thing. And everything stopped. I didn't think about him any more.
But today he was up the town with us. And I got jealous every time I saw how loved up him and his girlfriend were. I told myself it's just because I'm single and lonely and can't score a decent guy. I want someone LIKE him. Not him. And I just want to know I'm that loved. But when I see how well my other friend gets along with him. The confidence she has around him, which I've lost over the last few weeks - at least while the others are round. I told myself I just felt replaced.
I mean, I can't fancy him. He's going out with my BEST FRIEND. He's OFF LIMITS. And even if he weren't, he's TOTALLY out of my league. So therefore, he can only be a friend.
But I can't help but worry. I can't shut the exaggerated thoughts about my feelings for him up. I'm confused about it all.
Thankyou to anyone who managed to read through all this shit. I'm sorry this first blog was about something stupid and boring. I'll try better next time.
Most guys I know are awful. I got asked out by one today who, from what I can gather, just wants sex and expects me to be some sort of whore (which I'm NOT). I know one that sits wanking in class. Two, when asked if a particular girl was pretty answered "she's got big boobs". My only ex recently had a plan to date 3 girls at once apparantly. And he thought he could get my best friend to dump her absolutely amazing boyfriend whom she loves to peices for him.
Talking of my best friend and her boyfriend brings me to my point. She's brilliant. Love her so much. She's funny and kind. Absolutley crazy. And utterly gorgeous. Loads of guys fancy her. And I'm VERY jealous.
Her boyfriend is sweet, caring, funny, kind, smart. He always argues with me - never serious arguements. And always wins. I'm quite good friends with him. Was from the start. But, things changed. And now it's difficult.
See, the school did a 4 day trip to Paris. I went. He went. She didn't. He acted differently. I don't quite know how. But he did. We argued non stop. I hated it. But I still liked him. As a really good friend. I guess thats when things started to change. But I didn't realise it.
The first obvious case of what I was thinking was at the top of the eiffel tower. I want shit scared. Hyperventilating. I knew it couldn't take my weight. I knew it was going to collapse. He was the only one that cared. The only one that even tried to comfort me. And he told me it'd be ok. He argued with me to distract me. And he has this thing where when he's comforting you (which he's great at), he'll put his face close to yours and he'll talk softly. He did that to me. And I just wanted him to hug me. A long, safe, comforting hug. Normal right? I also wanted him to kiss me. Not so normal.
I've refused to believe it meant anything. I was single and starting to get lonely. But we got back from Paris and I missed the arguements. Simply becasue I missed tlaking to him. I was jealous every time I saw the two together. Every time he spoke about her or she spoke about him. I tried to hide it.
When she wasn't there but me and him were, we would talk (I was trying to avoid argueing. I was getting pretty fed up of losing ;) ) loads. Constantly. We got on REALLY well. My friends started to suspect I fancied him. Only his girlfriend said to me that people said this. And only she didn't believe it. But if I wouldn't say it to myself, I wasn't going to say it to them. I lied, better than ever before. As for the first time, I began to wonder.
I'm always interested in a conversation if he's mentioned. I'm jealous every time I see him and his girlfriend together. Even though I'm happy that after so many total pricks, she's finally found someone who'll treat her right. Or another girl even mentions him or got to spend time with him.
I wrote a diary entry about the whole top of the eiffel tower thing. And everything stopped. I didn't think about him any more.
But today he was up the town with us. And I got jealous every time I saw how loved up him and his girlfriend were. I told myself it's just because I'm single and lonely and can't score a decent guy. I want someone LIKE him. Not him. And I just want to know I'm that loved. But when I see how well my other friend gets along with him. The confidence she has around him, which I've lost over the last few weeks - at least while the others are round. I told myself I just felt replaced.
I mean, I can't fancy him. He's going out with my BEST FRIEND. He's OFF LIMITS. And even if he weren't, he's TOTALLY out of my league. So therefore, he can only be a friend.
But I can't help but worry. I can't shut the exaggerated thoughts about my feelings for him up. I'm confused about it all.
Thankyou to anyone who managed to read through all this shit. I'm sorry this first blog was about something stupid and boring. I'll try better next time.
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