I would tell them to their faces exactly what I think of them, what I say behind their backs. Except I say it in moments of anger and then forget it. In front of them my mind goes blank, I begin to stutter, I get too emotional. But I am just so god damn fucking sick of hearing from them.
I could put up with them and be civil. But every time my anger cools, someone goes and brings it back in it's full consuming red hot fiery-ness. This morning it was OK. I was rather bored, but very calm. And then Amelie texted me. I don't mind Amelie. I don't trust her and harbour a lot of hate for her but it's not her fault. That's from Marzena stirring up shit between us. So I can tolerate her. I admit, I assumed she wanted something. Actually, she did. Anyway, not the point.
We were talking about what we did so far over the holidays. She goes to another school and has been grounded, so she doesn't know what's been happening. She says "haven't you been out with the others?" - Well, obviously not. "Didn't you go to Marzena's farewell party thing? Were you invited?"
Well, of course I wasn't, which is fine. Like I would have wanted to go to the ice queens party. Unfortunately, it's temporary. She's going on holiday. Not leaving the country .... Anyway, Amelie didn't understand why I there was no way I hadn't been invited. So I had to explain. And it just brought back all the anger I have towards her.
She ruined my friendship with Jack. She started me self harming again. She ruined my friendship with Amelie. She has bitched about Hannah so, so many times to us. And yet she acts like her best fucking friend. And I don't care about not being invited. But she didn't invite her "cousin"/"sister" (she was my sister. Just goes to prove that she is trying to take all my friends)/"best friend" Amelie. Who is very hurt - she hasn't figured Marzena out like I have. And she invited two people - Eva and Shannon who she was MAD at the other month, talking about how they were such shit friends. This was after the first argument we all had, we'd all become "friends" again. Marzena was ever so lovely to me: I wasn't the hated any more, it was Hannah. But I've figured that it doesn't matter who anyone is. If they love Marzena then she'll fake nice to them whilst simultaneously making them miserable (she flirts with both Amelie's and Eva's boyfriends so much I'm surprised neither of them have killed her!). And if they don't she declares outright war on them and makes them sound like utter bitches. You know, she had the balls to say that Ganika made up most of what was said that caused us to fall out in the first place. Amelie believes it - she never liked Ganika. It's a fucking good job she never tried to say it to me!
And these complaints are all very petty and childish. I know that. But the thing is, it's because she's being so petty and childish. I thought this sort of behaviour was WIPED OUT by the time people reached 15 - for Goddess' sake, she's almost 16 - not made worse. She's the fucking devil put in our midst. And to hell with the implications against my sanity, I will do whatever it fucking takes to make her suffer for the anger and hurt she's caused all her "friends" with her patheticness. Even if it ruins my life in the process, I am going to fucking DESTROY hers!
(I know I won't but it's a nice thought :) )
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
Whinging / Gratefullness
All I ever seem to do is whinge and complain. My past few entries are proof of that. And I hate it. Goddess knows how irritating that must be for people who know me. So instead of just whinging about whinging (and oh my goddess, isn't whinging such a horrible pathetic word?), I'm going to put a cheerful entry listing all the reasons I have to not complain about.
I have a loving family
I am spoiled rotten
I have 4 brilliant friends
I have all my lovely friends on interpals (thanks particularly to Syukri for being kind and actually staying friends with me for so long)
I am going on the greatest holiday ever soon
I've been to France, Italy, Spain and Belgium - more than a lot of people
I have a school and therefore an education - so I can have a reasonable standard of living as an adult
I'm not too ugly, and I'm not fat
My determination allows me to do almost anything
I'm fairly smart - when I start year 11 my history teacher wants me to join the year 12 debate team
My writing is improving
I have a house, 3 meals a day, countless snacks and clothes
I have all 5 of my senses working (not perfectly because I need glasses and my hearing has been damaged by the amount of loud music I listen to. But still)
I can listen to music
I play in a steel band - making music is a hugely spiritual and beautiful thing for me
I live in a very well off country where I can find anything I need
I don't live in a war zone
I can dream about a future that isn't completely unrealistic
I have good health
I have always had freedom of religion
I am not a slave of any kind - my life is my own and I am free
These are all things I take for granted or outright deny the majority of the time. So I would just like to say, here and now - I am grateful. And thank you to whatever divine being dictates which life we live when for giving me such a brilliant one. I do appreciate it - when I think to.
I have a loving family
I am spoiled rotten
I have 4 brilliant friends
I have all my lovely friends on interpals (thanks particularly to Syukri for being kind and actually staying friends with me for so long)
I am going on the greatest holiday ever soon
I've been to France, Italy, Spain and Belgium - more than a lot of people
I have a school and therefore an education - so I can have a reasonable standard of living as an adult
I'm not too ugly, and I'm not fat
My determination allows me to do almost anything
I'm fairly smart - when I start year 11 my history teacher wants me to join the year 12 debate team
My writing is improving
I have a house, 3 meals a day, countless snacks and clothes
I have all 5 of my senses working (not perfectly because I need glasses and my hearing has been damaged by the amount of loud music I listen to. But still)
I can listen to music
I play in a steel band - making music is a hugely spiritual and beautiful thing for me
I live in a very well off country where I can find anything I need
I don't live in a war zone
I can dream about a future that isn't completely unrealistic
I have good health
I have always had freedom of religion
I am not a slave of any kind - my life is my own and I am free
These are all things I take for granted or outright deny the majority of the time. So I would just like to say, here and now - I am grateful. And thank you to whatever divine being dictates which life we live when for giving me such a brilliant one. I do appreciate it - when I think to.
Thursday, 14 July 2011
Story Ideas
I know people aren't likely to comment on this but if there is anyone who actually reads this and can be of any help, please comment.
In an attempt to improve my writing skills I keep this blog, I write in my diary daily, I try to write about real life people and why they're the way they are. I write about Iva Death, the girl I mentioned in my last blog thing-a-magig. I'm still in the process of creating her charicter. I do occasional writing excercises although I'm not in the habit of doing those regularly. And I try to do "morning pages" where I write three pages of my first thoughts as soon as I wake up in the hope that one day it may inspire me creativly - except that I have to wake up early to do it and manage a paragraph maximum before I go back to sleep.
Those I don't do regularly I am working on. But that's not my issue today.
I want to try some work on short stories. But I seem to have writers block at the moment. Normally I'm overflowing with ideas so this is rather strange for me.
But, writers block aside because this will hopefully be usefull anyway. Does anybody know any ways to get some good ideas for stories? Short or long since i hope to attempt both in the near future.
Thankyou for any contributions.
In an attempt to improve my writing skills I keep this blog, I write in my diary daily, I try to write about real life people and why they're the way they are. I write about Iva Death, the girl I mentioned in my last blog thing-a-magig. I'm still in the process of creating her charicter. I do occasional writing excercises although I'm not in the habit of doing those regularly. And I try to do "morning pages" where I write three pages of my first thoughts as soon as I wake up in the hope that one day it may inspire me creativly - except that I have to wake up early to do it and manage a paragraph maximum before I go back to sleep.
Those I don't do regularly I am working on. But that's not my issue today.
I want to try some work on short stories. But I seem to have writers block at the moment. Normally I'm overflowing with ideas so this is rather strange for me.
But, writers block aside because this will hopefully be usefull anyway. Does anybody know any ways to get some good ideas for stories? Short or long since i hope to attempt both in the near future.
Thankyou for any contributions.
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
Escape
(These scenes are not in an order. They are from different fantasies. Apart from the last one)
Scene 1: I looked out of the plane window and there it was: America. I'd been waiting and dreaming for so long, I finally got here. I was away from everything. The town, the home, the people. And I could make something of myself here! I'd be able to put the past behind me and be whoever I wanted to be with no worry about seeing the people who sped up my move.
Scene 2: University. The idea of it scared me when I was 15. Study and learning for an extra two years. But there was always the excitement of moving away, learning what I want to know and being free of the life I had. The fears gone. The excitement of freedom has grown. I'm not home. I don't know anyone here. I can start again. I don't have the problems from before. I would have loved to have solved them but it was impossible. Common sense just fell on deaf ears. But never mind, it's past now. I have a whole new future to enjoy.
Scene 3: Iva (A fictional character of my creation that I like to pretend to be) doesn't need to escape. She sits out in her gigantic back garden with her two best friends, Faye and Leandro. She's happy. She needs nothing else from life. These two people will stand beside her for her whole life. They will help her through the bad times and celebrate with her in the good times. And she shall do the same for them. This island is her home. She wants for nothing. She has nothing to fear, no reason to regret. Her life is perfect and she can carry on enjoying it for the rest of eternity (she's a Vampire - but Vampires are born not made. The Undead are made).
Scene 4: A girl who's fairly average sits in front of a computer. And under a fake name types about how much she longs for escape. The people she trusted turned on her time and time again. With actual calmness she thought how she was going to drive them to suicide. She stopped because she realised that anyone who thinks that way is clearly sick. She lives in a town that is better than many. But there is no room for it for a girl of her aspirations. She can't stand the place, or her life. Her only solace is in her imaginations. In her fantasy she can be this Vampire, Iva Death that she created who is absolutely perfect. But with her deeper flaws making her easier to identify with and more realistic. She can escape to the Island of Etusmaa where she is practically royalty. In her mind she can think of the future. She can imagine when she moves out to university. She hopes to go to Oxford. And she'll be away from everyone here. She knows she isn't stupid and that she can get there if she works hard enough. The only people she knows who are smart enough to get in are lovely people. She doesn't mind seeing them again. After Uni she plans to go live in New York City. There she can really make something of herself. And she can start afresh. She'll be away from everything she wants to disappear. Only coming back to visit family. Yes, whatever reality is like, the imagination always provides an escape ....
Scene 1: I looked out of the plane window and there it was: America. I'd been waiting and dreaming for so long, I finally got here. I was away from everything. The town, the home, the people. And I could make something of myself here! I'd be able to put the past behind me and be whoever I wanted to be with no worry about seeing the people who sped up my move.
Scene 2: University. The idea of it scared me when I was 15. Study and learning for an extra two years. But there was always the excitement of moving away, learning what I want to know and being free of the life I had. The fears gone. The excitement of freedom has grown. I'm not home. I don't know anyone here. I can start again. I don't have the problems from before. I would have loved to have solved them but it was impossible. Common sense just fell on deaf ears. But never mind, it's past now. I have a whole new future to enjoy.
Scene 3: Iva (A fictional character of my creation that I like to pretend to be) doesn't need to escape. She sits out in her gigantic back garden with her two best friends, Faye and Leandro. She's happy. She needs nothing else from life. These two people will stand beside her for her whole life. They will help her through the bad times and celebrate with her in the good times. And she shall do the same for them. This island is her home. She wants for nothing. She has nothing to fear, no reason to regret. Her life is perfect and she can carry on enjoying it for the rest of eternity (she's a Vampire - but Vampires are born not made. The Undead are made).
Scene 4: A girl who's fairly average sits in front of a computer. And under a fake name types about how much she longs for escape. The people she trusted turned on her time and time again. With actual calmness she thought how she was going to drive them to suicide. She stopped because she realised that anyone who thinks that way is clearly sick. She lives in a town that is better than many. But there is no room for it for a girl of her aspirations. She can't stand the place, or her life. Her only solace is in her imaginations. In her fantasy she can be this Vampire, Iva Death that she created who is absolutely perfect. But with her deeper flaws making her easier to identify with and more realistic. She can escape to the Island of Etusmaa where she is practically royalty. In her mind she can think of the future. She can imagine when she moves out to university. She hopes to go to Oxford. And she'll be away from everyone here. She knows she isn't stupid and that she can get there if she works hard enough. The only people she knows who are smart enough to get in are lovely people. She doesn't mind seeing them again. After Uni she plans to go live in New York City. There she can really make something of herself. And she can start afresh. She'll be away from everything she wants to disappear. Only coming back to visit family. Yes, whatever reality is like, the imagination always provides an escape ....
Thursday, 7 July 2011
Self Harm
So I self harm again. If you guys didn't know that it wouldn't affect you in any way. And to be honest, it isn't your business. It's mine and no-one elses.
The other week I rather stupidly wore a skirt to school. I wore tights too, but you could still see all my cuts because the tights are too thin (I cut on my legs this time because the theory was that they wouldn't get seen). My skirt was long enough to cover them.
But I was sitting down and only Ganika, Amisha and Scarlett were with me. Scarlett knows about my self harm from seeing me playing with my sharpener blade. But she doesn't care. Amisha and Ganika wouldn't understand why I was doing it and so wouldn't think I was. So the 3 of them hadn't seen the bright red, quite fresh cuts through my tights (that were now visible because my skirt had hitched up). I was pretty comfortable, I forgot about them.
Until Marzena walked up. She saw them and started making a big fuss and hugged me and was all "don't do that". Then she threatened to tell Amilie. Amilie texted me later on asking if it was true. I told her it wasn't. It was what she wanted to hear so she believed it.
I was very annoyed but had let it lie. Except Marzena brought it up today.
But I don't like them anyway. So therefore, it has nothing to do with them. They caused me to start again. And they don't give a shit about me. So why should they give a shit if I self harm.
What I do to my body is my choice. No-one can tell me otherwise. I'm not hurting them, I'm only hurting myself. It doesn'thave to affect them at all if they keep their fucking noses out of my business. It's stupid.
Originally, Marzena would threatenm to tell the guy I fancied, then Amilie, and now Andrew. Telling them doesn't do a thing.
I don't actually want to do it. It's quite hard. I want to want to do it. And sometimes it's just easier than suicide. At times it's a cry for help, for people to realise I'm not okay! I want someone to care. To hug me and tell me I don't need to cut myself, because they're there for me.
I stopped before because the guy I was going out with convinced me to: because I felt that someone genuinly cared. I kept to it even when I felt awful for months and months - long after we broke up. And then I thought "fuck it"
My parents don't care. They make me feel like shit half the time. I argued with all my "friends" and so I have no reason to keep my promise to them. I broke up with the guy who convinced me to stop. So I have no reason, no promises, to stop me. I have no-one I owe it too. I was always doing it for them. It didn't help me.
It just really pissed me off the way Marzena fucked up so many of my friendships, stopped me going to Iceland, started me self harming again, depressed me. backstabbed me and made me feel like shit. Then she has the guts to act like nothing's ever happened and I'm her best friend because there's someone else she hates even more and I'm not the outcast anymore. So now she cares enough to be able to "do whats right" about my slef harm by stirring up shit and making me feel like crap. When it's nothing to do with her!!!!!!!!!!!
The other week I rather stupidly wore a skirt to school. I wore tights too, but you could still see all my cuts because the tights are too thin (I cut on my legs this time because the theory was that they wouldn't get seen). My skirt was long enough to cover them.
But I was sitting down and only Ganika, Amisha and Scarlett were with me. Scarlett knows about my self harm from seeing me playing with my sharpener blade. But she doesn't care. Amisha and Ganika wouldn't understand why I was doing it and so wouldn't think I was. So the 3 of them hadn't seen the bright red, quite fresh cuts through my tights (that were now visible because my skirt had hitched up). I was pretty comfortable, I forgot about them.
Until Marzena walked up. She saw them and started making a big fuss and hugged me and was all "don't do that". Then she threatened to tell Amilie. Amilie texted me later on asking if it was true. I told her it wasn't. It was what she wanted to hear so she believed it.
I was very annoyed but had let it lie. Except Marzena brought it up today.
But I don't like them anyway. So therefore, it has nothing to do with them. They caused me to start again. And they don't give a shit about me. So why should they give a shit if I self harm.
What I do to my body is my choice. No-one can tell me otherwise. I'm not hurting them, I'm only hurting myself. It doesn'thave to affect them at all if they keep their fucking noses out of my business. It's stupid.
Originally, Marzena would threatenm to tell the guy I fancied, then Amilie, and now Andrew. Telling them doesn't do a thing.
I don't actually want to do it. It's quite hard. I want to want to do it. And sometimes it's just easier than suicide. At times it's a cry for help, for people to realise I'm not okay! I want someone to care. To hug me and tell me I don't need to cut myself, because they're there for me.
I stopped before because the guy I was going out with convinced me to: because I felt that someone genuinly cared. I kept to it even when I felt awful for months and months - long after we broke up. And then I thought "fuck it"
My parents don't care. They make me feel like shit half the time. I argued with all my "friends" and so I have no reason to keep my promise to them. I broke up with the guy who convinced me to stop. So I have no reason, no promises, to stop me. I have no-one I owe it too. I was always doing it for them. It didn't help me.
It just really pissed me off the way Marzena fucked up so many of my friendships, stopped me going to Iceland, started me self harming again, depressed me. backstabbed me and made me feel like shit. Then she has the guts to act like nothing's ever happened and I'm her best friend because there's someone else she hates even more and I'm not the outcast anymore. So now she cares enough to be able to "do whats right" about my slef harm by stirring up shit and making me feel like crap. When it's nothing to do with her!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, 30 June 2011
Perfection Is A LIE
I'm not the prettiest or the funniest or the smartest or the best at anything. In fact, if you put me with my friends (including those I'm deliberatly drifting away from) - you won't notice me at all. I had two things that I could do though. Writing and history.
History was good because there's this one girl at school. She's the Perfect One. And she was always better than me at everything. And I was doing so well, getting all A*s in my mocks, coming top of the class, being two marks away from perfection.I was the best student my teacher had ever had. And then, it disappeared. She's the perfect one. And I'm back where I was before - invisible.
It's frustrating because I've always wanted to be good at something. I've always wanted to be appreciated and loved for who I am. This was one small victory. I was good at something.
And as for my writing, if you've read any of my blog posts you'll see how pathetic I am at that. Especially if you read my other one where I was meant to be convincing people my house was haunted and after one post I deleted it because it was so shit.
So I decided then and there, I had to kill her. I didn't care how. I just wanted her gone.
I wish. I know I'm just jealous and it's quite petty. But I can't help but feel I've been replaced. And as if I'm now useless and unwanted and alone.
I can make myself go unseen if I need to. I'm the invisible one. That's my only talent. Making people not see me. But I don't really try with that. Mostly I just be with other people, that way no-one would want to look at me.
And the problem is, I hate being invisible. I'm sick of hearing about how everyone's better than me at everything. And I'm really sick of smiling and congratulating them like a kind, caring friend I'm meant to be.
I'm not going to lie, I get compliments. But only from my friends. And they're lies. Despite the title, that's the lie. Any good thing anyone ever accidentally thought about me. They're see through lies.
The other lies, i.e. perfection, are so hard to find. Because the imperfection (the fact that these "perfect" people are ruthless bitches!) is so well hidden. At least I'm honest. I get that I'm fucking awful. And I gave up on trying to be better.
I just get so, so sick of being the only one without a talent. Some people are good at everything. And some only have one thing. I only had one thing. But now I'm back to none. No talents, no personality, no looks. What on earth do I have thats worth living for? I'm a fucking fail of a person. No-one would give a shit if I disappeared. I doubt they'd even notice. I tried to drown myself in the bath today. But I stopped when an alam went off on my phone. If only I hadn't stopped ....
Never mind, I'm going to stop whining and find an excuse to not be seen with my pretty, funny, smart, perfect "friends" (I hate them for an entirely different reason) so that I might get some recognotion once or twice in my life.
History was good because there's this one girl at school. She's the Perfect One. And she was always better than me at everything. And I was doing so well, getting all A*s in my mocks, coming top of the class, being two marks away from perfection.I was the best student my teacher had ever had. And then, it disappeared. She's the perfect one. And I'm back where I was before - invisible.
It's frustrating because I've always wanted to be good at something. I've always wanted to be appreciated and loved for who I am. This was one small victory. I was good at something.
And as for my writing, if you've read any of my blog posts you'll see how pathetic I am at that. Especially if you read my other one where I was meant to be convincing people my house was haunted and after one post I deleted it because it was so shit.
So I decided then and there, I had to kill her. I didn't care how. I just wanted her gone.
I wish. I know I'm just jealous and it's quite petty. But I can't help but feel I've been replaced. And as if I'm now useless and unwanted and alone.
I can make myself go unseen if I need to. I'm the invisible one. That's my only talent. Making people not see me. But I don't really try with that. Mostly I just be with other people, that way no-one would want to look at me.
And the problem is, I hate being invisible. I'm sick of hearing about how everyone's better than me at everything. And I'm really sick of smiling and congratulating them like a kind, caring friend I'm meant to be.
I'm not going to lie, I get compliments. But only from my friends. And they're lies. Despite the title, that's the lie. Any good thing anyone ever accidentally thought about me. They're see through lies.
The other lies, i.e. perfection, are so hard to find. Because the imperfection (the fact that these "perfect" people are ruthless bitches!) is so well hidden. At least I'm honest. I get that I'm fucking awful. And I gave up on trying to be better.
I just get so, so sick of being the only one without a talent. Some people are good at everything. And some only have one thing. I only had one thing. But now I'm back to none. No talents, no personality, no looks. What on earth do I have thats worth living for? I'm a fucking fail of a person. No-one would give a shit if I disappeared. I doubt they'd even notice. I tried to drown myself in the bath today. But I stopped when an alam went off on my phone. If only I hadn't stopped ....
Never mind, I'm going to stop whining and find an excuse to not be seen with my pretty, funny, smart, perfect "friends" (I hate them for an entirely different reason) so that I might get some recognotion once or twice in my life.
Thursday, 2 June 2011
32 Things To Do In A Queue At A Theme Park
Everyone gets bored when you're in a 50 minute (or longer) queue for a ride. Including me and my friends. So yesterday, we thought we'd entertain ourselves (and annoy the people behind us :p ) and write a list as we were doing it. We wanted to reach 100 but by the time we got to 32 we were at the front of the queue. (We didn't try all of these)
1. Do the macarena
2. Do other stupid dances
3. Stick your tongue out at people
4. Pretend your German
5. Or any other nationality
6. Make friends
7. Wave at strangers
8. Roll your eyes into the back of your head
9. Sing nursery rhymes
10. Play clapping games
11. Laugh at people
12. Flirt with cute guys/girls
13. Sit on barriers
14. Take weird photos
15. Text a friend
16. Lie on a coffin
17. Talk to the people in front of you
18. Or behind you
19. Do stupid things with your hair
20. Pretend its national hug day
21. Play mercy
22. Sing songs
23. Pull faces at each other
24. Pull faces at other people
25. Give each other piggy backs
26. Act camp
27. Prank call people
28. Mexican wave
29. Sing songs about bananas
30. Make up songs about bananas
31. Make your fingers get married
32. Pretend its someones birthday
1. Do the macarena
2. Do other stupid dances
3. Stick your tongue out at people
4. Pretend your German
5. Or any other nationality
6. Make friends
7. Wave at strangers
8. Roll your eyes into the back of your head
9. Sing nursery rhymes
10. Play clapping games
11. Laugh at people
12. Flirt with cute guys/girls
13. Sit on barriers
14. Take weird photos
15. Text a friend
16. Lie on a coffin
17. Talk to the people in front of you
18. Or behind you
19. Do stupid things with your hair
20. Pretend its national hug day
21. Play mercy
22. Sing songs
23. Pull faces at each other
24. Pull faces at other people
25. Give each other piggy backs
26. Act camp
27. Prank call people
28. Mexican wave
29. Sing songs about bananas
30. Make up songs about bananas
31. Make your fingers get married
32. Pretend its someones birthday
Monday, 23 May 2011
Why I HATE Maths Like A Jew Hates A Nazi
Ok, the titles a slight exaggeration. But I hate maths so so much. I could give you a lot of reasons.
I will NEVER use it
I can't STAND numbers
It's a WASTE OF TIME
It's too DIFFICULT
It's USELESS
It's BORING
And the latest, most frustrating thing? It's stopping my life!
I want to be a journalist when I'm older. That's mainly why I keep a blog. It's a chance for me to practice writing and hopefully get tips on how I can improve. So when I found out that through school I could get a week long course at the college in journalism - just a practise, a taster, I was incredibly excited. I HAD to go. Mum and Dad were even prepared to lie when they filled out the forms so I had more chance to get in. This was going to be great! It was just what I needed. And I would be missing school.
But then it turns out no-one in year ten from our school can go. I am missing out on a huge chance, one that I was really looking forward to. It might not be anything major. But it's one of those little things that make you stand out from all the other people applying for the job. And I would actually use it in my life. But I can't because I have a maths exam =.=
Maths which will never affect me. I will never need algebra in my life. Not for my job. Not for sixth form/college or for uni. Not for everyday life. So I'm sitting doing a useless exam that lasts about an hour and a half maybe. Which I dont want to take. And which affects me in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM. And it's causing me to miss out on a week of learning things I will use and that I really want to do. Yeah, thanks maths. Love you loads. If you want me, I'll be in my room blaring Eisbrecher and sticking pins in to a vodoo doll of you (just kidding about the vodoo doll bit. I dont do vodoo. And even if I did, it's maths - you can't make a doll of it) ....
I will NEVER use it
I can't STAND numbers
It's a WASTE OF TIME
It's too DIFFICULT
It's USELESS
It's BORING
And the latest, most frustrating thing? It's stopping my life!
I want to be a journalist when I'm older. That's mainly why I keep a blog. It's a chance for me to practice writing and hopefully get tips on how I can improve. So when I found out that through school I could get a week long course at the college in journalism - just a practise, a taster, I was incredibly excited. I HAD to go. Mum and Dad were even prepared to lie when they filled out the forms so I had more chance to get in. This was going to be great! It was just what I needed. And I would be missing school.
But then it turns out no-one in year ten from our school can go. I am missing out on a huge chance, one that I was really looking forward to. It might not be anything major. But it's one of those little things that make you stand out from all the other people applying for the job. And I would actually use it in my life. But I can't because I have a maths exam =.=
Maths which will never affect me. I will never need algebra in my life. Not for my job. Not for sixth form/college or for uni. Not for everyday life. So I'm sitting doing a useless exam that lasts about an hour and a half maybe. Which I dont want to take. And which affects me in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM. And it's causing me to miss out on a week of learning things I will use and that I really want to do. Yeah, thanks maths. Love you loads. If you want me, I'll be in my room blaring Eisbrecher and sticking pins in to a vodoo doll of you (just kidding about the vodoo doll bit. I dont do vodoo. And even if I did, it's maths - you can't make a doll of it) ....
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
Field Of Paper Flowers
"Don't say I'm out of touch
With this rampant chaos, your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare I build my own world to escape"
Imaginary, Evanescence
As the quote suggests, I hat the real world. "There is nothing wrong with me, this is how I'm supposed to be. In a world of make belief, that don't believe in me" (Jesus of Suburbia, Greenday). It bores the crap out of me. So I like to live in my mind. I don't pay any attention to this world you strange people who live here call "Earth" (which I call "City of the Damned". Quote from the same song as before). Instead I focus on what's going on in what you would call my "imaigination" (which I call my "life" so that you weird alien-y peoples who live in the "City of the Damned", sorry I mean Earth, can understand. Or, when I don't care about your understanding, erm, I can't think of a quote :p ). So why should I write about the "real" world? I thought. Instead, everything in italics is from now on fantasy, unless it's a word or a phrase or whatever that I'm just putting emphasis on. Or it might be the truth but slightly embellished.
I'm now going to fill up the rest of this entry with imagination quotes :)
"I reject your own reality and substitue it for my own" Adam Savage
"Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will get you everywhere" Albert Einstein (I would like to come up with an edited version of this - "Logic will take you from A to B by train. Imagination will take you from A to B - or anywhere else for that matter - by space shuttle". I'm in a stupid mood :D )
"Imagination is the only weapon in a war against reality" Someone very smart who knew my mind very well
"I am inagination. I can see what the eyes cannot see. I can hear what the ears cannot hear. I can feel what the heart cannot feel" the imagination of Peter Nivo Zarlenga
"I beleive that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerfull than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death" Robert Fulghum, a man who clearly knows the truth
"The human mind can do anything" - Jack (This entire blog uses fake names for the people I know and myslef. So I can't turn round and put this persons real name now. Besides, if he found it he would then be able to use it against me cos i always argue with him and he always wins. Even though I'm normally right :p )
"Do you live, do you die
Do you bleed for the fantasy?
In your mind, through your eyes
Do you see it's the fantasy?" The Fantasy, 30 Seconds To Mars (The answer to all these is yes. Although the last one does qhite often become a "no" :p )
Sorry if any of this is offensive to anyone in any way, like the "City of the Damned" part and whatever. I don't mean it. I'm just in one of those moods :P :D
With this rampant chaos, your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare I build my own world to escape"
Imaginary, Evanescence
As the quote suggests, I hat the real world. "There is nothing wrong with me, this is how I'm supposed to be. In a world of make belief, that don't believe in me" (Jesus of Suburbia, Greenday). It bores the crap out of me. So I like to live in my mind. I don't pay any attention to this world you strange people who live here call "Earth" (which I call "City of the Damned". Quote from the same song as before). Instead I focus on what's going on in what you would call my "imaigination" (which I call my "life" so that you weird alien-y peoples who live in the "City of the Damned", sorry I mean Earth, can understand. Or, when I don't care about your understanding, erm, I can't think of a quote :p ). So why should I write about the "real" world? I thought. Instead, everything in italics is from now on fantasy, unless it's a word or a phrase or whatever that I'm just putting emphasis on. Or it might be the truth but slightly embellished.
I'm now going to fill up the rest of this entry with imagination quotes :)
"I reject your own reality and substitue it for my own" Adam Savage
"Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will get you everywhere" Albert Einstein (I would like to come up with an edited version of this - "Logic will take you from A to B by train. Imagination will take you from A to B - or anywhere else for that matter - by space shuttle". I'm in a stupid mood :D )
"Imagination is the only weapon in a war against reality" Someone very smart who knew my mind very well
"I am inagination. I can see what the eyes cannot see. I can hear what the ears cannot hear. I can feel what the heart cannot feel" the imagination of Peter Nivo Zarlenga
"I beleive that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerfull than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death" Robert Fulghum, a man who clearly knows the truth
"The human mind can do anything" - Jack (This entire blog uses fake names for the people I know and myslef. So I can't turn round and put this persons real name now. Besides, if he found it he would then be able to use it against me cos i always argue with him and he always wins. Even though I'm normally right :p )
"Do you live, do you die
Do you bleed for the fantasy?
In your mind, through your eyes
Do you see it's the fantasy?" The Fantasy, 30 Seconds To Mars (The answer to all these is yes. Although the last one does qhite often become a "no" :p )
Sorry if any of this is offensive to anyone in any way, like the "City of the Damned" part and whatever. I don't mean it. I'm just in one of those moods :P :D
Monday, 16 May 2011
Bus Stop
I KNOW I'm not the only one that gets bored at bus stops. If you have someone with you, they're great. If you don't, they're crap. There is nothing to do.
Today I had a particularly loooooooooooong wait. And I'm going to have 4 waits tomorrow, thursday and sataday. So I sent round a text, hoping for some usefull advice or at least a laugh saying "10 things to do when you're at a bus stop, bored out of your mind and by yourself. Any suggestions?"
The replys were just begging to be posted. Please comment if you tried numbers 1,5,6,8,9, 10, 11 with peoples reactions :')
1. Dance
2. Listen to music
3. Text
4. Read mag/paper/book
5. Stalk fit boys (highly recommended by Marzena)
6. Sing
7. Strut
8. Talk to yourself
9. Play pranks on whoevers around you
10. Wet yourself
11. Flirt with the old people
12. Eat
13. Count cars passing
14. Count how many people are waiting with
15. Try to chat
16. Play on your phone
17. Sleep
18. Make up jokes in your head
19. Count how many animals you see
I've promised Eva I'll try number 11 tomorrow. And of course I'm still waiting for people to reply lol.
Today I had a particularly loooooooooooong wait. And I'm going to have 4 waits tomorrow, thursday and sataday. So I sent round a text, hoping for some usefull advice or at least a laugh saying "10 things to do when you're at a bus stop, bored out of your mind and by yourself. Any suggestions?"
The replys were just begging to be posted. Please comment if you tried numbers 1,5,6,8,9, 10, 11 with peoples reactions :')
1. Dance
2. Listen to music
3. Text
4. Read mag/paper/book
5. Stalk fit boys (highly recommended by Marzena)
6. Sing
7. Strut
8. Talk to yourself
9. Play pranks on whoevers around you
10. Wet yourself
11. Flirt with the old people
12. Eat
13. Count cars passing
14. Count how many people are waiting with
15. Try to chat
16. Play on your phone
17. Sleep
18. Make up jokes in your head
19. Count how many animals you see
I've promised Eva I'll try number 11 tomorrow. And of course I'm still waiting for people to reply lol.
Sunday, 8 May 2011
Worse Off
I quite often think I'm fucked up. I hate my life. I complain a lot. And as I've said before, I used to self harm. But then I think of other people.
Eva got sexually abused. And her boyfriends have all been pricks up until now. Her mum was raped as a teen. Her sister almost died from anorexia. Her grandad couldnt eat because of a brain tumour.
Jack has to act as a dad to his two little brothers. Because his dads such a prick.
Amisha hasnt seen her dad for two years.
Marzena had to move here from Poland, learn a new language and everything else that comes with moving country. Her brother fell in with the wrong crowd and she's now afraid of him.
Amelie was almost raped and almost killed.
Ellie's mum was put in prison.
I know some people whose mum died recently.
But none of them complain. Life goes on. You cant tell bad things have happened to them at all. And these are just the things I know about. There must be so much that I dont know. Because other people hide their problems.
I dont know how they do it. But I just wish I could be stronger. That I could be like them. And just cope and get on my life. Maybe I should ask them how they manage it. And for once in my life, I'll listen to peoples advice without zoning out once. And actually follow the advice for the first time ever
Eva got sexually abused. And her boyfriends have all been pricks up until now. Her mum was raped as a teen. Her sister almost died from anorexia. Her grandad couldnt eat because of a brain tumour.
Jack has to act as a dad to his two little brothers. Because his dads such a prick.
Amisha hasnt seen her dad for two years.
Marzena had to move here from Poland, learn a new language and everything else that comes with moving country. Her brother fell in with the wrong crowd and she's now afraid of him.
Amelie was almost raped and almost killed.
Ellie's mum was put in prison.
I know some people whose mum died recently.
But none of them complain. Life goes on. You cant tell bad things have happened to them at all. And these are just the things I know about. There must be so much that I dont know. Because other people hide their problems.
I dont know how they do it. But I just wish I could be stronger. That I could be like them. And just cope and get on my life. Maybe I should ask them how they manage it. And for once in my life, I'll listen to peoples advice without zoning out once. And actually follow the advice for the first time ever
Friday, 6 May 2011
Dear Eva
Dear Eva,
You're my best friend. And you are absolutely amazing. You're funny, kind, sweet and beautiful. You're loyal and always there for me. You hear what I mean not what I say. You redefine amazing. I couldnt ask for anyone better.
But I cant help but be jealous. Whats to not be jealous about?
Even though you've gone through so much, you're not a worse person for it. I could never manage that.
You're fun to be around, exciting and ready to try anything. Im boring.
Everyone loves you. I know what people say behind my back.
You're gorgeous in every single way. And well, just look at me.
You have a wonderful boyfriend. I just attract creeps like Ellis.
You're just - you're great. And I can't believe someone like you could be friends with someone like me.
So if i ever seem distant or bitchy - I don't mean to. I'm jealous of those that are close to you. I'm jealous of you.
You're paranoid about losing Jack because of you're previous experience with boyfriends. So you must be able to understand why I'm afraid you hate me based on previous experience with "best friends".
However things turn out, i just want you to know how brilliant you are and that the more I'm scared to lose or annoy you, the more I like you.
Love you,
Jezabel
You're my best friend. And you are absolutely amazing. You're funny, kind, sweet and beautiful. You're loyal and always there for me. You hear what I mean not what I say. You redefine amazing. I couldnt ask for anyone better.
But I cant help but be jealous. Whats to not be jealous about?
Even though you've gone through so much, you're not a worse person for it. I could never manage that.
You're fun to be around, exciting and ready to try anything. Im boring.
Everyone loves you. I know what people say behind my back.
You're gorgeous in every single way. And well, just look at me.
You have a wonderful boyfriend. I just attract creeps like Ellis.
You're just - you're great. And I can't believe someone like you could be friends with someone like me.
So if i ever seem distant or bitchy - I don't mean to. I'm jealous of those that are close to you. I'm jealous of you.
You're paranoid about losing Jack because of you're previous experience with boyfriends. So you must be able to understand why I'm afraid you hate me based on previous experience with "best friends".
However things turn out, i just want you to know how brilliant you are and that the more I'm scared to lose or annoy you, the more I like you.
Love you,
Jezabel
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
I am NOT a stereotype
How many labels do you think you can pin to me? I'll start with the basics.
Teen. Essex girl. English. Female.
My basic details. What do people assume from this?
Oh, I'm a teenager. I must go round stabbing people all the time and taking drugs and getting drunk and I must smoke. I'm probably anorexic. I stay out all night. I'm rude. I cause trouble. I don't give a shit about anyone else. WRONG!
I'm from Essex. I must wear really short skirts all the time. And heels. And revealing tops. I must pile on the make up and fake tan. I must be out clubbing all the time. I must be a total slag and sleep with every guy I can get my hands on and have a billion STIs. And be really common. WRONG!
Im English. I must be posh and stuck up and think I'm better than everyone else. And talk like the Queen. And go to a private school. And Daddy must be ever so rich. And I probably have a chauffer and a mansion and live out in the country. And I probably aspire to marry into royalty. WRONG!
Female. Well, some sexist bastards would say that makes me weak. And stupid. And that I belong in the kitchen. And can't do anything because it's a mans world. Some would even go so far as to say that the whole purpose of me living is to marry and have children. Then you get the creepy ones who think we're just there for them to have sex with. WRONG!
When you get to know me a bit more maybe you'll judge me on being a goth and an ex self harmer. On the fact I'm smart and go to a Catholic school.
You probably think I'm depressed all the time. That my only friends - if I have any at all - are other depressed goths. But because I'm smart I must be a teachers pet. With no friends and no social life. I must have no sense of humour and learning must be the be all and end all of life. A Catholic school? Well I must go to church every day and be very religious and follow the bible to the letter. I must be very virtous and afraid to sin. Or do you take the opposite view? That we must all be sluts? WRONG!
Maybe you've judged me by my hair colour or my religion, After all, all brunettes are boring right. And I'm Wiccan so I must be a devil worshipper and am planning to sacrifice you. And I'm evil and kill animals and eat them and you should be afraid of me. I'm possessed and dangerous. WRONG!
Try find something yourself. Find a stereotype. I'll put money on you being unable to make it stick. What about you? Do you fit into a stereotype? No? Well if I don't and you don't, maybe we're all like that. Maybe we're all unique and none of us are stereotypes. Maybe stereotypes are - and this is just a random guess here - a LIE. Just something to think about before you start to judge that person over there.
Teen. Essex girl. English. Female.
My basic details. What do people assume from this?
Oh, I'm a teenager. I must go round stabbing people all the time and taking drugs and getting drunk and I must smoke. I'm probably anorexic. I stay out all night. I'm rude. I cause trouble. I don't give a shit about anyone else. WRONG!
I'm from Essex. I must wear really short skirts all the time. And heels. And revealing tops. I must pile on the make up and fake tan. I must be out clubbing all the time. I must be a total slag and sleep with every guy I can get my hands on and have a billion STIs. And be really common. WRONG!
Im English. I must be posh and stuck up and think I'm better than everyone else. And talk like the Queen. And go to a private school. And Daddy must be ever so rich. And I probably have a chauffer and a mansion and live out in the country. And I probably aspire to marry into royalty. WRONG!
Female. Well, some sexist bastards would say that makes me weak. And stupid. And that I belong in the kitchen. And can't do anything because it's a mans world. Some would even go so far as to say that the whole purpose of me living is to marry and have children. Then you get the creepy ones who think we're just there for them to have sex with. WRONG!
When you get to know me a bit more maybe you'll judge me on being a goth and an ex self harmer. On the fact I'm smart and go to a Catholic school.
You probably think I'm depressed all the time. That my only friends - if I have any at all - are other depressed goths. But because I'm smart I must be a teachers pet. With no friends and no social life. I must have no sense of humour and learning must be the be all and end all of life. A Catholic school? Well I must go to church every day and be very religious and follow the bible to the letter. I must be very virtous and afraid to sin. Or do you take the opposite view? That we must all be sluts? WRONG!
Maybe you've judged me by my hair colour or my religion, After all, all brunettes are boring right. And I'm Wiccan so I must be a devil worshipper and am planning to sacrifice you. And I'm evil and kill animals and eat them and you should be afraid of me. I'm possessed and dangerous. WRONG!
Try find something yourself. Find a stereotype. I'll put money on you being unable to make it stick. What about you? Do you fit into a stereotype? No? Well if I don't and you don't, maybe we're all like that. Maybe we're all unique and none of us are stereotypes. Maybe stereotypes are - and this is just a random guess here - a LIE. Just something to think about before you start to judge that person over there.
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
Best Friends Boyfriend
There are a million ways to start my blog. Most of which would be a great way to prove my uniqueness and the way I am NOT like other teenage girls. But all that's going to have to go out the window. Because I need to set some thoughts straight, maybe get other peoples opinion and/or advice (if anyone ever reads this) and well - yeah.
Most guys I know are awful. I got asked out by one today who, from what I can gather, just wants sex and expects me to be some sort of whore (which I'm NOT). I know one that sits wanking in class. Two, when asked if a particular girl was pretty answered "she's got big boobs". My only ex recently had a plan to date 3 girls at once apparantly. And he thought he could get my best friend to dump her absolutely amazing boyfriend whom she loves to peices for him.
Talking of my best friend and her boyfriend brings me to my point. She's brilliant. Love her so much. She's funny and kind. Absolutley crazy. And utterly gorgeous. Loads of guys fancy her. And I'm VERY jealous.
Her boyfriend is sweet, caring, funny, kind, smart. He always argues with me - never serious arguements. And always wins. I'm quite good friends with him. Was from the start. But, things changed. And now it's difficult.
See, the school did a 4 day trip to Paris. I went. He went. She didn't. He acted differently. I don't quite know how. But he did. We argued non stop. I hated it. But I still liked him. As a really good friend. I guess thats when things started to change. But I didn't realise it.
The first obvious case of what I was thinking was at the top of the eiffel tower. I want shit scared. Hyperventilating. I knew it couldn't take my weight. I knew it was going to collapse. He was the only one that cared. The only one that even tried to comfort me. And he told me it'd be ok. He argued with me to distract me. And he has this thing where when he's comforting you (which he's great at), he'll put his face close to yours and he'll talk softly. He did that to me. And I just wanted him to hug me. A long, safe, comforting hug. Normal right? I also wanted him to kiss me. Not so normal.
I've refused to believe it meant anything. I was single and starting to get lonely. But we got back from Paris and I missed the arguements. Simply becasue I missed tlaking to him. I was jealous every time I saw the two together. Every time he spoke about her or she spoke about him. I tried to hide it.
When she wasn't there but me and him were, we would talk (I was trying to avoid argueing. I was getting pretty fed up of losing ;) ) loads. Constantly. We got on REALLY well. My friends started to suspect I fancied him. Only his girlfriend said to me that people said this. And only she didn't believe it. But if I wouldn't say it to myself, I wasn't going to say it to them. I lied, better than ever before. As for the first time, I began to wonder.
I'm always interested in a conversation if he's mentioned. I'm jealous every time I see him and his girlfriend together. Even though I'm happy that after so many total pricks, she's finally found someone who'll treat her right. Or another girl even mentions him or got to spend time with him.
I wrote a diary entry about the whole top of the eiffel tower thing. And everything stopped. I didn't think about him any more.
But today he was up the town with us. And I got jealous every time I saw how loved up him and his girlfriend were. I told myself it's just because I'm single and lonely and can't score a decent guy. I want someone LIKE him. Not him. And I just want to know I'm that loved. But when I see how well my other friend gets along with him. The confidence she has around him, which I've lost over the last few weeks - at least while the others are round. I told myself I just felt replaced.
I mean, I can't fancy him. He's going out with my BEST FRIEND. He's OFF LIMITS. And even if he weren't, he's TOTALLY out of my league. So therefore, he can only be a friend.
But I can't help but worry. I can't shut the exaggerated thoughts about my feelings for him up. I'm confused about it all.
Thankyou to anyone who managed to read through all this shit. I'm sorry this first blog was about something stupid and boring. I'll try better next time.
Most guys I know are awful. I got asked out by one today who, from what I can gather, just wants sex and expects me to be some sort of whore (which I'm NOT). I know one that sits wanking in class. Two, when asked if a particular girl was pretty answered "she's got big boobs". My only ex recently had a plan to date 3 girls at once apparantly. And he thought he could get my best friend to dump her absolutely amazing boyfriend whom she loves to peices for him.
Talking of my best friend and her boyfriend brings me to my point. She's brilliant. Love her so much. She's funny and kind. Absolutley crazy. And utterly gorgeous. Loads of guys fancy her. And I'm VERY jealous.
Her boyfriend is sweet, caring, funny, kind, smart. He always argues with me - never serious arguements. And always wins. I'm quite good friends with him. Was from the start. But, things changed. And now it's difficult.
See, the school did a 4 day trip to Paris. I went. He went. She didn't. He acted differently. I don't quite know how. But he did. We argued non stop. I hated it. But I still liked him. As a really good friend. I guess thats when things started to change. But I didn't realise it.
The first obvious case of what I was thinking was at the top of the eiffel tower. I want shit scared. Hyperventilating. I knew it couldn't take my weight. I knew it was going to collapse. He was the only one that cared. The only one that even tried to comfort me. And he told me it'd be ok. He argued with me to distract me. And he has this thing where when he's comforting you (which he's great at), he'll put his face close to yours and he'll talk softly. He did that to me. And I just wanted him to hug me. A long, safe, comforting hug. Normal right? I also wanted him to kiss me. Not so normal.
I've refused to believe it meant anything. I was single and starting to get lonely. But we got back from Paris and I missed the arguements. Simply becasue I missed tlaking to him. I was jealous every time I saw the two together. Every time he spoke about her or she spoke about him. I tried to hide it.
When she wasn't there but me and him were, we would talk (I was trying to avoid argueing. I was getting pretty fed up of losing ;) ) loads. Constantly. We got on REALLY well. My friends started to suspect I fancied him. Only his girlfriend said to me that people said this. And only she didn't believe it. But if I wouldn't say it to myself, I wasn't going to say it to them. I lied, better than ever before. As for the first time, I began to wonder.
I'm always interested in a conversation if he's mentioned. I'm jealous every time I see him and his girlfriend together. Even though I'm happy that after so many total pricks, she's finally found someone who'll treat her right. Or another girl even mentions him or got to spend time with him.
I wrote a diary entry about the whole top of the eiffel tower thing. And everything stopped. I didn't think about him any more.
But today he was up the town with us. And I got jealous every time I saw how loved up him and his girlfriend were. I told myself it's just because I'm single and lonely and can't score a decent guy. I want someone LIKE him. Not him. And I just want to know I'm that loved. But when I see how well my other friend gets along with him. The confidence she has around him, which I've lost over the last few weeks - at least while the others are round. I told myself I just felt replaced.
I mean, I can't fancy him. He's going out with my BEST FRIEND. He's OFF LIMITS. And even if he weren't, he's TOTALLY out of my league. So therefore, he can only be a friend.
But I can't help but worry. I can't shut the exaggerated thoughts about my feelings for him up. I'm confused about it all.
Thankyou to anyone who managed to read through all this shit. I'm sorry this first blog was about something stupid and boring. I'll try better next time.
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