Recharacterisation: Amelie

I posted something about her character before and in light of recent events, I would like to correct it.
"For a long time I saw her as stupid and blind. I thought she was completely under Marzena's control". Now I disagree. She's a bitch in her own right.
"She was incredibly helpful and so, so supportive". She was supportive because I was doing what she wanted. Every time she disliked something I did, she stopped being supportive. Despite the I supported her in so many things I would much rather have told her she was stupid for. Like when she told me the reason she doesn't like lesbians is because she's afraid they're going to rape her. And she doesn't like Ganika when they've only met once. And she got herself grounded for seeing her boyfriend Andrew and couldn't see us for months at a time. Yet she'd then meet up with him again, get caught and be grounded. Instead of asking her if he's really worth it, I kept my mouth shut and wished her luck. (And she claims I put guys before friends? Especially since she's the one who let them drive us apart).
"Amelie is completely insane". I meant this in a positive way. Insane as in fun and not afraid to be different. She appears to be like that. But she once told me that if you want to kill yourself then you should keep your mouth shut and just do it. That's why, after trying to kill herself 11 times she was put in a mental home for 3 days. And there really was a little boy in the corner rocking and grinning to himself all weirdly. Bullshit! That never happened and even if it had, how would they have known? And that's why she also lied about being raped. And why she said to me "why don't you just go and slit your wrists" yesterday simply because I said I like a guy. She's insane in all the wrong ways.
"She's human". As if that excuses her from being as bitchy as she was? No way. I know that people have bad sides, my own terrifies me. But that doesn't mean they can be excused for everything they do. What she said to me was just vicious. I used to hate William the most out of anyone I had ever met. I must have mentioned him? After arguing with him I'd want to kill someone I was so angry. But I would never have said that. Or anything even like that. I know one of his weaknesses because his brother died recently. I saw him cry over it. I could have been cruel about it. But no matter what, I would never mention that. Even now I wouldn't say that to Amelie. Or pick on her weakness and tell her mum about the phone Andrew bought her and payed for. The one she only texts him from. The one that I'll bet she hasn't deleted the dirty pictures from.
My new opinion of her: She's a bitch. And all I can do is thank the Goddess my other friends didn't take up her plight today.

Tyler

I don't know why I'm mentioning him yet again, but I just can't seem to get over him. I miss him more each day. I've spoken to him a couple of times since we stopped being what we were. The first time it was because he had heard that I'd said I never felt anything for him. Weirdly enough, I had wished he would hear it and that it would hurt him as much as he hurt me. But when it came to it, I found myself telling the truth: that I'd said it to make myself believe it. Somehow he always manages to get the truth out of me. By the end it got more friendly. And some of the things he said meant so much to me, even if they were all in past tense.
The second time, he just wanted to talk. Although the conversation didn't last long. When I asked "how's life?", he told me it was "decaying". Part of me was just begging for him to tell me it was because he missed me and couldn't cope without me etc, etc. But then I reminded myself that I was being stupid and selfish. I'm not good enough for him. What I really want is for him to be happy. That's the unselfish thing to want, the better thing. He never answered me about it though and I can only guess what he meant.
The third time was last night. He told me about this girl he saw who looked "f-ing awesome" and he thought it was me. I asked if he liked her and he said she was "f-ing hot" but he doubted he'd ever see her again. So I told him that if he did, I hoped she was fucking amazing. Because he deserves nothing less, but I didn't tell him that part. He told me that "at the moment there's no-one better than you". I know what I want that to mean. But I'm afraid to hope.
And, if he did like me, I wouldn't know what to do. Because I want him back so, so badly. But he deserves so much better and I don't want to stop him finding that. And I'm afraid of how my friends will react. Which is stupid but I don't need the drama they'll bring. If life was a film, he'd make me realise that I am good enough for him and all my friends would be very supportive and not cause any problems at all. Life isn't a film though. And I keep hoping that he'll turn round and say he likes me. But what I really need is to know what to do. I don't trust myself to make the right decision any more. I just need an answer ....

What would you do?

What would you do if you wanted to text someone who meant loads to you, but you were afraid in case they didn't want to talk to you? What would you do if you wanted to tell someone you missed them but were afraid in case they said something you didn't want to hear? What would you do if you couldn't get over a guy you didn't deserve? What would you do if you were afraid of your own mind and wanted to improve it but just felt yourself slipping back to how you were? What would you do if you kept trying to quit self harm but couldn't manage it? What would you do if you just wanted to tell someone the truth and have them be there for you, but you didn't have anyone? What would you do if you wanted to cry but just couldn't? What would you do if you looked in the mirror and just felt plain and not worthy of noticing? What would you do if you just wanted to be good enough for that one person? What if you missed someone more and more each day but you knew you would never see them again? What would you do if you were me?
(All questions I'm asking myself but if you have an answer I'd be most grateful)

Life is Good

I did a post a long time ago about things in my life I was grateful for, and I'm probably still grateful for them. But here are some more things, just because I feel like it.

• I am finally beginning to learn from my mistakes
• I am healing my mind
• I have discovered that I'm not quite as selfish as I first thought
• My family really are more amazing than I give them credit for
• I've relearnt the value of friendship
• I've also rediscovered loyalty, something I was convinced humanity had lost
• I have finally discovered that yes, it can hurt to care about people. But it hurts far less than it does to not care
• I'm not that much more than a month away from being able to do conservation work and therefore helping the planet and therefore the Goddess that has given me so much
• There's always a positive side to everything, if you just care to look
• Today was the first day of spring in England for 2012. The sun's making me feel better all ready!
• I've never lived in a country under the regime of a cruel dictator or with as scary a political situation as somewhere like say, the Middle East
• War has never affected me personally
• I've only lost one member of my family and at the time I was too young for the pain to be as bad as it would be now
• I have a sense of humour, twisted as it is. And a sense of humour is something far too many people lack
• I have travelled to many other places since I last wrote something like this (Well, 6)
• I have never suffered the effects of a natural disaster
• I never lack food or clothes
• I'm not afraid to dream
• I have all my limbs and things

So yeah, life isn't that bad :)

Dear Tyler

Dear Tyler,
I know you'll never read this but I want to thank you! I spent so long hurt over everything you'd done and everything I'd done. For once in my life I can acknowledge that I messed up without completely blaming myself. We both made mistakes and I've regretted them again and again. I've been angry at you and hated you. I've wanted to hurt you as badly as you hurt me. I've wanted you back. I've wanted to just know the truth. I've wanted you to never have existed. And the truth is, you have caused me loads of pain and confusion but I don't blame you for it.
I still feel bad that you had to put up with me the way I was and I apologise for every one of my faults. However that is not why I'm writing this.
What I really want to say is thank you. Thank you so, so much. It took some time but you made me realise just how messed up my mind is. You made me see everything that's wrong with it. You made me realise all my problems. I had buried who I really was so deep, I thought she was dead. But no, she's here now. Awake and alive. I'm finally healing after all the problems over the past year and a bit. I know it's not over, it isn't all happy endings from here. But now I know how to deal with it a little bit better. I'm finally somewhere close to being happy. It's so unfamiliar I'm not even sure how true it is. But for once, I really am happy. Not the happiness I faked a few months ago, where I just smiled and that made me happy. No, this is a real happiness, deeper than that because I've sorted myself out.
Thank you for showing me all of my weaknesses. Thank you for confusing me so much I was forced to actually look into my own mind and see all the poison that had built up. Thank you for adding to it until I could no longer ignore it.
Blessed be,
Jezabel

Power Animals

I bought this book a very long tme ago. It's called Power Animals: How To Connect With Your Spirit Guide by Steven D Farmer. It comes with a cd with the meditation on it to help you find your power animal. I used this cd once again today in order to find my power animal and I have finally found it!
Here she is! And so cute as well! I love her so much!
I would recomend the book I mentioned above if you are interested in finding your power animal. It's very helpful. ALthough, it has information on various animals and what it means if they're your power animal. But my sweet tabby is ignored!
I found out a few thing from my wonderful friend the internet. What my animal says about me:

• I am independant
• I am a free thinker
• I am often energised at night (unfortunately very true)
• I tend to stay with a person or situation until I get bored, then I wander off
• I have clear perception
• I'm organised (not at all!)
• I need courage and confidence, which my kitty will bring me
• It's about time I changed, or I am changing
• I am elegant
• I am understanding
• I am intuitive
• I am empathatic
• I have a big heart
• I'm lazy (so, so true)

A cat as a spirit animal also:

• Represents love
• Helps you move through your fears
• Teaches that the physical and spiritual worlds are the same world
• Is a trustworthy teacher as well as being resourceful, strong and fearless
• Shows how to clarify perception
• Allows new ideas to manifest
• Encourages emotional and mental agility
• Helps you be resourceful and stealthy
• Helps you increase your intuity

Talking to her during this meditation thingy I also learnt that:

• She's playful
• She gives and recieves love a hell of a lot
• She's confident

Those last three are definately a part of me I buried long ago. As for the rest, some of it's scarily accurate. Some of it is a load of bull. But I have no idea what I'm really like anyway. So you can make what you like of my personality by this ...