Anger

I would tell them to their faces exactly what I think of them, what I say behind their backs. Except I say it in moments of anger and then forget it. In front of them my mind goes blank, I begin to stutter, I get too emotional. But I am just so god damn fucking sick of hearing from them.
I could put up with them and be civil. But every time my anger cools, someone goes and brings it back in it's full consuming red hot fiery-ness. This morning it was OK. I was rather bored, but very calm. And then Amelie texted me. I don't mind Amelie. I don't trust her and harbour a lot of hate for her but it's not her fault. That's from Marzena stirring up shit between us. So I can tolerate her. I admit, I assumed she wanted something. Actually, she did. Anyway, not the point.
We were talking about what we did so far over the holidays. She goes to another school and has been grounded, so she doesn't know what's been happening. She says "haven't you been out with the others?" - Well, obviously not. "Didn't you go to Marzena's farewell party thing? Were you invited?"
Well, of course I wasn't, which is fine. Like I would have wanted to go to the ice queens party. Unfortunately, it's temporary. She's going on holiday. Not leaving the country .... Anyway, Amelie didn't understand why I there was no way I hadn't been invited. So I had to explain. And it just brought back all the anger I have towards her.
She ruined my friendship with Jack. She started me self harming again. She ruined my friendship with Amelie. She has bitched about Hannah so, so many times to us. And yet she acts like her best fucking friend. And I don't care about not being invited. But she didn't invite her "cousin"/"sister" (she was my sister. Just goes to prove that she is trying to take all my friends)/"best friend" Amelie. Who is very hurt - she hasn't figured Marzena out like I have. And she invited two people - Eva and Shannon who she was MAD at the other month, talking about how they were such shit friends. This was after the first argument we all had, we'd all become "friends" again. Marzena was ever so lovely to me: I wasn't the hated any more, it was Hannah. But I've figured that it doesn't matter who anyone is. If they love Marzena then she'll fake nice to them whilst simultaneously making them miserable (she flirts with both Amelie's and Eva's boyfriends so much I'm surprised neither of them have killed her!). And if they don't she declares outright war on them and makes them sound like utter bitches. You know, she had the balls to say that Ganika made up most of what was said that caused us to fall out in the first place. Amelie believes it - she never liked Ganika. It's a fucking good job she never tried to say it to me!
And these complaints are all very petty and childish. I know that. But the thing is, it's because she's being so petty and childish. I thought this sort of behaviour was WIPED OUT by the time people reached 15 - for Goddess' sake, she's almost 16 - not made worse. She's the fucking devil put in our midst. And to hell with the implications against my sanity, I will do whatever it fucking takes to make her suffer for the anger and hurt she's caused all her "friends" with her patheticness. Even if it ruins my life in the process, I am going to fucking DESTROY hers!
(I know I won't but it's a nice thought :) )

Whinging / Gratefullness

All I ever seem to do is whinge and complain. My past few entries are proof of that. And I hate it. Goddess knows how irritating that must be for people who know me. So instead of just whinging about whinging (and oh my goddess, isn't whinging such a horrible pathetic word?), I'm going to put a cheerful entry listing all the reasons I have to not complain about.
I have a loving family
I am spoiled rotten
I have 4 brilliant friends
I have all my lovely friends on interpals (thanks particularly to Syukri for being kind and actually staying friends with me for so long)
I am going on the greatest holiday ever soon
I've been to France, Italy, Spain and Belgium - more than a lot of people
I have a school and therefore an education - so I can have a reasonable standard of living as an adult
I'm not too ugly, and I'm not fat
My determination allows me to do almost anything
I'm fairly smart - when I start year 11 my history teacher wants me to join the year 12 debate team
My writing is improving
I have a house, 3 meals a day, countless snacks and clothes
I have all 5 of my senses working (not perfectly because I need glasses and my hearing has been damaged by the amount of loud music I listen to. But still)
I can listen to music
I play in a steel band - making music is a hugely spiritual and beautiful thing for me
I live in a very well off country where I can find anything I need
I don't live in a war zone
I can dream about a future that isn't completely unrealistic
I have good health
I have always had freedom of religion
I am not a slave of any kind - my life is my own and I am free
These are all things I take for granted or outright deny the majority of the time. So I would just like to say, here and now - I am grateful. And thank you to whatever divine being dictates which life we live when for giving me such a brilliant one. I do appreciate it - when I think to.

Story Ideas

I know people aren't likely to comment on this but if there is anyone who actually reads this and can be of any help, please comment.
In an attempt to improve my writing skills I keep this blog, I write in my diary daily, I try to write about real life people and why they're the way they are. I write about Iva Death, the girl I mentioned in my last blog thing-a-magig. I'm still in the process of creating her charicter. I do occasional writing excercises although I'm not in the habit of doing those regularly. And I try to do "morning pages" where I write three pages of my first thoughts as soon as I wake up in the hope that one day it may inspire me creativly - except that I have to wake up early to do it and manage a paragraph maximum before I go back to sleep.
Those I don't do regularly I am working on. But that's not my issue today.
I want to try some work on short stories. But I seem to have writers block at the moment. Normally I'm overflowing with ideas so this is rather strange for me.
But, writers block aside because this will hopefully be usefull anyway. Does anybody know any ways to get some good ideas for stories? Short or long since i hope to attempt both in the near future.
Thankyou for any contributions.

Escape

(These scenes are not in an order. They are from different fantasies. Apart from the last one)
Scene 1: I looked out of the plane window and there it was: America. I'd been waiting and dreaming for so long, I finally got here. I was away from everything. The town, the home, the people. And I could make something of myself here! I'd be able to put the past behind me and be whoever I wanted to be with no worry about seeing the people who sped up my move.
Scene 2: University. The idea of it scared me when I was 15. Study and learning for an extra two years. But there was always the excitement of moving away, learning what I want to know and being free of the life I had. The fears gone. The excitement of freedom has grown. I'm not home. I don't know anyone here. I can start again. I don't have the problems from before. I would have loved to have solved them but it was impossible. Common sense just fell on deaf ears. But never mind, it's past now. I have a whole new future to enjoy.
Scene 3: Iva (A fictional character of my creation that I like to pretend to be) doesn't need to escape. She sits out in her gigantic back garden with her two best friends, Faye and Leandro. She's happy. She needs nothing else from life. These two people will stand beside her for her whole life. They will help her through the bad times and celebrate with her in the good times. And she shall do the same for them. This island is her home. She wants for nothing. She has nothing to fear, no reason to regret. Her life is perfect and she can carry on enjoying it for the rest of eternity (she's a Vampire - but Vampires are born not made. The Undead are made).
Scene 4: A girl who's fairly average sits in front of a computer. And under a fake name types about how much she longs for escape. The people she trusted turned on her time and time again. With actual calmness she thought how she was going to drive them to suicide. She stopped because she realised that anyone who thinks that way is clearly sick. She lives in a town that is better than many. But there is no room for it for a girl of her aspirations. She can't stand the place, or her life. Her only solace is in her imaginations. In her fantasy she can be this Vampire, Iva Death that she created who is absolutely perfect. But with her deeper flaws making her easier to identify with and more realistic. She can escape to the Island of Etusmaa where she is practically royalty. In her mind she can think of the future. She can imagine when she moves out to university. She hopes to go to Oxford. And she'll be away from everyone here. She knows she isn't stupid and that she can get there if she works hard enough. The only people she knows who are smart enough to get in are lovely people. She doesn't mind seeing them again. After Uni she plans to go live in New York City. There she can really make something of herself. And she can start afresh. She'll be away from everything she wants to disappear. Only coming back to visit family. Yes, whatever reality is like, the imagination always provides an escape ....

Self Harm

So I self harm again. If you guys didn't know that it wouldn't affect you in any way. And to be honest, it isn't your business. It's mine and no-one elses.
The other week I rather stupidly wore a skirt to school. I wore tights too, but you could still see all my cuts because the tights are too thin (I cut on my legs this time because the theory was that they wouldn't get seen). My skirt was long enough to cover them.
But I was sitting down and only Ganika, Amisha and Scarlett were with me. Scarlett knows about my self harm from seeing me playing with my sharpener blade. But she doesn't care. Amisha and Ganika wouldn't understand  why I was doing it and so wouldn't think I was. So the 3 of them hadn't seen the bright red, quite fresh cuts through my tights (that were now visible because my skirt had hitched up). I was pretty comfortable, I forgot about them.
Until Marzena walked up. She saw them and started making a big fuss and hugged me and was all "don't do that". Then she threatened to tell Amilie. Amilie texted me later on asking if it was true. I told her it wasn't. It was what she wanted to hear so she believed it.
I was very annoyed but had let it lie. Except Marzena brought it up today.
But I don't like them anyway. So therefore, it has nothing to do with them. They caused me to start again. And they don't give a shit about me. So why should they give a shit if I self harm.
What I do to my body is my choice. No-one can tell me otherwise. I'm not hurting them, I'm only hurting myself. It doesn'thave to affect them at all if they keep their fucking noses out of my business. It's stupid.
Originally, Marzena would threatenm to tell the guy I fancied, then Amilie, and now Andrew. Telling them doesn't do a thing.
I don't actually want to do it. It's quite hard. I want to want to do it. And sometimes it's just easier than suicide. At times it's a cry for help, for people to realise I'm not okay! I want someone to care. To hug me and tell me I don't need to cut myself, because they're there for me.
I stopped before because the guy I was going out with convinced me to: because I felt that someone genuinly cared. I kept to it even when I felt awful for months and months - long after we broke up. And then I thought "fuck it"
My parents don't care. They make me feel like shit half the time. I argued with all my "friends" and so I have no reason to keep my promise to them. I broke up with the guy who convinced me to stop. So I have no reason, no promises, to stop me. I have no-one I owe it too. I was always doing it for them. It didn't help me.
It just really pissed me off the way Marzena fucked up so many of my friendships, stopped me going to Iceland, started me self harming again, depressed me. backstabbed me and made me feel like shit. Then she has the guts to act like nothing's ever happened and I'm her best friend because there's someone else she hates even more and I'm not the outcast anymore. So now she cares enough to be able to "do whats right" about my slef harm by stirring up shit and making me feel like crap. When it's nothing to do with her!!!!!!!!!!!

"You come to me with scars on your wrist

 You tell me this will be the last night
Feeling like this

I just came to say goodbye
Didn't want you to see me cry

I'm fine but I know it's a lie
...Your parents say everything is your fault

But they don't know you like I know you
They don't know you at all, I'm so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be okay, you're fine
But I know it's a lie, This is the last night you'll spend alone
... The night is so long when everything's wrong

If you give me your hand, I will help you hold on

Tonight, tonight
This is the last night you'll spend alone

 Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be

The last night you'll spend alone

I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go

I'm everything you need me to be
I won't let you say goodbye

And I'll be your reason why
The last night away from me, away from me" (Skillet, The Last Night)

I wish someone would sing that to me. That'd get me to stop