Today was the worst day of the past six months. Well not really but I'm allowed a little artistic licence :p
So I get up the town to meet my mum before stepping into Hell. We go to the reception and fill in a few bits of paperwork (again). Then we had to sit, waiting for the most horrible torture ever invented. Mum actually asked me if I want her to go in with me. And was annoyed when I said yes!! I can't face that awful thing by myself!
So eventually the devil himself comes out and calls us to the most firery part of his domain. I sat on the chair which he pulled back. I used to enjoy that bit but now I'm so terrified. And I'm bigger so it isn't as much fun.
I hate the way he makes you strech your mouth far wider than is humanly possible. ALthough as my mouth gets larger, it gets easier ;) And then he sucks all the water out of my mouth. How is that not torture when your mouth is stretched really wide open and you can't swallow?! My mouth could have dried up so much it would be useless forever and a miniature dessert! And he pokes that stupid little mirror around in your mouth too.
And then comes the worst bit! He takes a fucking scalpel and stabs all my teeth with it! I was almost shaking by this point. I wanted to run away screaming! I'm always scared it's going to get stuck in my tooth and never come out and it'll just hurt!
So he's finally done prodding at my teeth. It only took about a minute but it was a horrible, horrible minute!!!!
Then he gave me good news and bad news.
The good news: I don't have to go through that torture again for another 6 months!!
The bad news: I have to go through that torture again in another 6 months!!
Monday 26 March 2012
Saturday 24 March 2012
Contecting the Dead
I made my oija bourd. It has a huge pentacle on it and ... actually, I might be able to get a picture of it ....
No, maybe not. Okay, description. It has a large purpe pentacle across the centre. In the middle of the pentacle is a protection rune. At the points of the pentacle are symbols for the five elements and their names. In the four corners I've written "yes", "no", "hello" and "goodbye". At the top of the pentacle, sort of around the top pointy bit, I've written the alphabet. Between the bottom two pointy bits I've written the numbers 0 to 9. To the left, between those two pointy bits, I've written "I can not answer" and opposite that I've written "I do not understand".
According to the internat the best time to try it is midnight. I'm tired all the time and never up until midnight. So early afternoon had to do. Lighting a white candle is supposed to help too although I can't remember why. I don't have one. I thought of doing it on a Wednesday because of magickal things to do with communication but I did it today (Saturday) instead. So it wasn't perfect condtions but who cares.
I tried to record what was happening with the voice recorder thing on my phone. But I'm very sorry to say, nothing was picked up. But that's okay too. I sat down with the ouija bourd in front of me. And for protection I visualised myself in a bubble of white light. That bubble is, I told myslelf, unpenetrable. Nothing with harmful intentions could cross it. I said allthis outloud as if it was some kind of spell. I had meant to make it into one actually. Adding "As I wish, so mote it be", as all spells seem to have at the end. I then welcomed the elements using "Valeries Rhyming Invocations To The Four Quarters" as found in Starhawks Spiral Dance. I would like to mention that they don't rhyme.
Then I tried to communicate with the dead. Nothing happened. Something the planchette thing. Or rather, something guided me to move it. But I didn't get anything that made sense. So I decided to try again another time. I was dissapointed but only slightly. I will try again someday. And maybe I shouldn't have started like that. But I said I'd post the results and here they are. Better luck next time? I hope so :)
P.S. Thankyou to Syukri for your comment on the post where I said I was going to do this :) The other people I've told about it have been less supportive about this idea.
No, maybe not. Okay, description. It has a large purpe pentacle across the centre. In the middle of the pentacle is a protection rune. At the points of the pentacle are symbols for the five elements and their names. In the four corners I've written "yes", "no", "hello" and "goodbye". At the top of the pentacle, sort of around the top pointy bit, I've written the alphabet. Between the bottom two pointy bits I've written the numbers 0 to 9. To the left, between those two pointy bits, I've written "I can not answer" and opposite that I've written "I do not understand".
According to the internat the best time to try it is midnight. I'm tired all the time and never up until midnight. So early afternoon had to do. Lighting a white candle is supposed to help too although I can't remember why. I don't have one. I thought of doing it on a Wednesday because of magickal things to do with communication but I did it today (Saturday) instead. So it wasn't perfect condtions but who cares.
I tried to record what was happening with the voice recorder thing on my phone. But I'm very sorry to say, nothing was picked up. But that's okay too. I sat down with the ouija bourd in front of me. And for protection I visualised myself in a bubble of white light. That bubble is, I told myslelf, unpenetrable. Nothing with harmful intentions could cross it. I said allthis outloud as if it was some kind of spell. I had meant to make it into one actually. Adding "As I wish, so mote it be", as all spells seem to have at the end. I then welcomed the elements using "Valeries Rhyming Invocations To The Four Quarters" as found in Starhawks Spiral Dance. I would like to mention that they don't rhyme.
Then I tried to communicate with the dead. Nothing happened. Something the planchette thing. Or rather, something guided me to move it. But I didn't get anything that made sense. So I decided to try again another time. I was dissapointed but only slightly. I will try again someday. And maybe I shouldn't have started like that. But I said I'd post the results and here they are. Better luck next time? I hope so :)
P.S. Thankyou to Syukri for your comment on the post where I said I was going to do this :) The other people I've told about it have been less supportive about this idea.
Tuesday 20 March 2012
I Hate People
By "people" I don't mean my friends and family. Love you all. I don't mean the people I've never met either. So I guess the title's a lie. But right now I don't care. I just want to give it all up. I'm sick of fighting all the bad things and trying to find the good. I'm sick of feeling like I have to keep a smile on my face and knowing it won't work, that I can't fake it. I'm sick of agonising hours where I just want to cut myself but I can't. i'm sick of the people who make things more difficult.
Today I was asked of I still see Tyler. I haven't seen him since before the New Year. I texted him 3 fucking times.That was all. 3 fucking conversations. They made me so happy, so hopeful. And then Amelie decided she was going to mess it up. I haven't heard from him since. And I've accepted that I never will. I've stopped seeing it as a loss. It's what is meant to be. But still. She ruined anything that remained. So when I'm told, after being asked the above question, that she still cares about me I react badly. "How about you go slit your wrists again?" That is NOT what you say to someone you care about. I wonder if she realises the truth of what ended our friendship. Because the fact that Tyler was mentioned first suggests she still believes it was because of him.
In some ways, I blame him. Sometimes I need to blame someone because otherwise - well I don't want to think about why it happened if it isn't his fault. But when he entered my life, it shook up everything I knew. I needed that I guess but that doesn't mean I like it. I like to blame him for the changes in me. I like to blame him for me sinking back into depression, possibly further than before. I like to blame him for my suicidal thoughts. I like to blame him for the rest of the world suddenly becoming real and adult and scary and even more confusing than before. It feels like I'm standing on the smallest floor known to humankind, barely a stepping stone. It's in the middle of space. And that space is spinning around me, images of familiar people and things distorted beyond anything I recognise. I know I can't stay here and I need to find another stepping stone because this one is crubling. And I can't go back to how it was. But I can't see the next bit or even what's going on now because it's spinning to fast for me to figure anything out. Or maybe I'm spinning to fast to make it out and the world is perfectly still and simple and normal. It's felt like that for a while even if I haven't acknowledged it. But now it's worse, the spinning is faster. And for that I like to blame Tyler. But it's not his fault at all.
And the one thing I really can't blame him for is the end of my friendship with Amelie. This was her fault. This is because of what she said. This is because she is a fucked up selfish bitch. She lied about saying it. And she has never once made an attempt to contact me, not even to apologise. If she had, I wouldn't forgive her but I would consider it. Now, after all this time, I wouldn't. If she gave me an apology I'd tell her to stick it up her fucking arse. And Eva had better be lying about her saying she cares about me. Because if Amelie had the guts to say that, I'd be only too happy to cook those guts and feed them to vultures out in the desert. She isn't the only one who hides her worse side.
I never said this of course. I just said "she should have thought of that before" and walked away. It ruined my mood. I had been so happy, enjoying the sun because it pushes away the depression.
And now, I just want to give up. I want an easy option and I want people to stop hating and I want to stop hurting. I want to create a little bubble, crawl inside it and stay there preotected. An unpoppable bubble that shuts out all the nasty things in life.
I can't do that. But I can give up, just give up on life, on all of it. It's so tempting. But I can't. I have to be strong. I don't know why. I don't see the point. I'm tired of trying to be strong. I'm tired of trying to do what's right. I'm tired of trying to think my way through situations way out of my control. I'm tired of feeling like I've done those but then criticising myself. Telling myself I'm stupid and selfish and don't know what it's like to really hurt. That everyone else is far worse off than me and yet their coping, so I must be a total wuss. The self hatred is what I'm tired of the most. Nothing I do will ever be good enough as far as that spiteful part of my mind is concerned. It tells me to give up, that it's better if I do. But then it makes me feel like I'm pathetic and awful for just daring to even think of giving up.
Today I was asked of I still see Tyler. I haven't seen him since before the New Year. I texted him 3 fucking times.That was all. 3 fucking conversations. They made me so happy, so hopeful. And then Amelie decided she was going to mess it up. I haven't heard from him since. And I've accepted that I never will. I've stopped seeing it as a loss. It's what is meant to be. But still. She ruined anything that remained. So when I'm told, after being asked the above question, that she still cares about me I react badly. "How about you go slit your wrists again?" That is NOT what you say to someone you care about. I wonder if she realises the truth of what ended our friendship. Because the fact that Tyler was mentioned first suggests she still believes it was because of him.
In some ways, I blame him. Sometimes I need to blame someone because otherwise - well I don't want to think about why it happened if it isn't his fault. But when he entered my life, it shook up everything I knew. I needed that I guess but that doesn't mean I like it. I like to blame him for the changes in me. I like to blame him for me sinking back into depression, possibly further than before. I like to blame him for my suicidal thoughts. I like to blame him for the rest of the world suddenly becoming real and adult and scary and even more confusing than before. It feels like I'm standing on the smallest floor known to humankind, barely a stepping stone. It's in the middle of space. And that space is spinning around me, images of familiar people and things distorted beyond anything I recognise. I know I can't stay here and I need to find another stepping stone because this one is crubling. And I can't go back to how it was. But I can't see the next bit or even what's going on now because it's spinning to fast for me to figure anything out. Or maybe I'm spinning to fast to make it out and the world is perfectly still and simple and normal. It's felt like that for a while even if I haven't acknowledged it. But now it's worse, the spinning is faster. And for that I like to blame Tyler. But it's not his fault at all.
And the one thing I really can't blame him for is the end of my friendship with Amelie. This was her fault. This is because of what she said. This is because she is a fucked up selfish bitch. She lied about saying it. And she has never once made an attempt to contact me, not even to apologise. If she had, I wouldn't forgive her but I would consider it. Now, after all this time, I wouldn't. If she gave me an apology I'd tell her to stick it up her fucking arse. And Eva had better be lying about her saying she cares about me. Because if Amelie had the guts to say that, I'd be only too happy to cook those guts and feed them to vultures out in the desert. She isn't the only one who hides her worse side.
I never said this of course. I just said "she should have thought of that before" and walked away. It ruined my mood. I had been so happy, enjoying the sun because it pushes away the depression.
And now, I just want to give up. I want an easy option and I want people to stop hating and I want to stop hurting. I want to create a little bubble, crawl inside it and stay there preotected. An unpoppable bubble that shuts out all the nasty things in life.
I can't do that. But I can give up, just give up on life, on all of it. It's so tempting. But I can't. I have to be strong. I don't know why. I don't see the point. I'm tired of trying to be strong. I'm tired of trying to do what's right. I'm tired of trying to think my way through situations way out of my control. I'm tired of feeling like I've done those but then criticising myself. Telling myself I'm stupid and selfish and don't know what it's like to really hurt. That everyone else is far worse off than me and yet their coping, so I must be a total wuss. The self hatred is what I'm tired of the most. Nothing I do will ever be good enough as far as that spiteful part of my mind is concerned. It tells me to give up, that it's better if I do. But then it makes me feel like I'm pathetic and awful for just daring to even think of giving up.
Sunday 18 March 2012
Mediums
I was doing a pyscic test thing on the internet. It gave me 7 out of 10 for precognisis, 3 out of 10 for telepathy, something out of 10 for telekinesis and 7 out of 10 for mediumship. I want to try out the 7/10s. The first one makes a bit more sense. But the second, the medium part doesn't.
I believe in ghosts.Which confused me at first because I also believe in reincarnation. I thought about it a lot trying to find a logical way they could both exist. I settled for the simple ghosts have some unfinished business/don't know their dead/some other reason for staying on Earth. But when they're ready to, they move on. And I have felt ghosts sitting on my bed in the middle of the night. I always hear people calling me when there's no-one there. Sometimes in the voice of people I know. Both of these could be due to an overactive imagination. Although it hurts to say that because it's a cool idea.
But none of the questions it asked really referred to talking to dead people. And I can't think of any time when a ghost has tried to contact me. No matter how much I wish otherwise.
Soooooo, I'm going to test this. I am going to try to contact the dead. PLEASE don't tell me why it's such a bad idea. I love ghost stories. Trust me, I know how much some people fuck up. I know what could go wrong. I am making an informed decision and have decided that the risks are worth taking. However, for added safety measures, I will create a circle of protection around myself. I haven't decided how I shall do this but I have thought about it and will have made up my mind before I attempt to do this. Salt is good for protection but I have a carpeted bedroom and don't know where the hoover is to clean up afterwards. The hoover would wake up my family anyway. So unless I can find a way of doing that without making a mess, I'll have to find something else.
I have literally no money, so I can't buy lots of things. But I've been looking on the internet for methods. Every single website tells you to light a candle and sit in front of a mirror. Then you will see pictures. That isn't the right method for me. And not just because I'll be afraid to look in the mirror for a long time. I thought for a while about Ouija boards and how much they would cost. When I discovered you can make your own!! I'm so excited. I'm going to make one and try using it. Yes I know it's the most dangerous way of doing it etc, etc. But I don't care. I have already mentioned that I'm using a protective circle so I should be OK.
I'll post what happens! :D
I believe in ghosts.Which confused me at first because I also believe in reincarnation. I thought about it a lot trying to find a logical way they could both exist. I settled for the simple ghosts have some unfinished business/don't know their dead/some other reason for staying on Earth. But when they're ready to, they move on. And I have felt ghosts sitting on my bed in the middle of the night. I always hear people calling me when there's no-one there. Sometimes in the voice of people I know. Both of these could be due to an overactive imagination. Although it hurts to say that because it's a cool idea.
But none of the questions it asked really referred to talking to dead people. And I can't think of any time when a ghost has tried to contact me. No matter how much I wish otherwise.
Soooooo, I'm going to test this. I am going to try to contact the dead. PLEASE don't tell me why it's such a bad idea. I love ghost stories. Trust me, I know how much some people fuck up. I know what could go wrong. I am making an informed decision and have decided that the risks are worth taking. However, for added safety measures, I will create a circle of protection around myself. I haven't decided how I shall do this but I have thought about it and will have made up my mind before I attempt to do this. Salt is good for protection but I have a carpeted bedroom and don't know where the hoover is to clean up afterwards. The hoover would wake up my family anyway. So unless I can find a way of doing that without making a mess, I'll have to find something else.
I have literally no money, so I can't buy lots of things. But I've been looking on the internet for methods. Every single website tells you to light a candle and sit in front of a mirror. Then you will see pictures. That isn't the right method for me. And not just because I'll be afraid to look in the mirror for a long time. I thought for a while about Ouija boards and how much they would cost. When I discovered you can make your own!! I'm so excited. I'm going to make one and try using it. Yes I know it's the most dangerous way of doing it etc, etc. But I don't care. I have already mentioned that I'm using a protective circle so I should be OK.
I'll post what happens! :D
Thursday 15 March 2012
Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep
When I wake up in the morning I'm practically a zombie. I don't like leaving my bed and my bed doesn't like letting me go. I remain tired for the entire day. I quite often have to fight o stay awake in class and don't always bother. I get home from school and I reach half 8 (if I'm lucky) before deciding I'm too tired. Sometimes I stay up anyway for dinner or to call dad or to finish a drink or because moving enough to get into my pjs and then onto bed is waaaaaaaaaaay too much effort. Wake up in the morning and repeat.
On Saturdays I sleep in and it's the most wonderful feeling ever. But at some point I have to wake up. When I do I have a headache because my body doesn't like sleeping that long, I'm desperate to pee, my throat is drier than the Sahara dessert and I'm fucking starving. I will try for a little more sleep but won't get any. And yet I am STILL tired. On Sundays I try so, so hard to sleep in as late as on Saturday. But I just can't. And I'm STILL tired.
During half term I woke up somewhere between 11 and 2 every single day. By 4 I would be tired again. This is actually when I started to notice it was a problem. It was a few weeks later that I started getting into bed at 6. Then, when I was woken up for dinner, I would still be so tired that even my usual zombie communication seemed perfectly clear and understandable. Now I'm falling asleep at school, I have to wonder .... what the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I always tired?
Now I've whinged a little about that, I'm going to bed :)
On Saturdays I sleep in and it's the most wonderful feeling ever. But at some point I have to wake up. When I do I have a headache because my body doesn't like sleeping that long, I'm desperate to pee, my throat is drier than the Sahara dessert and I'm fucking starving. I will try for a little more sleep but won't get any. And yet I am STILL tired. On Sundays I try so, so hard to sleep in as late as on Saturday. But I just can't. And I'm STILL tired.
During half term I woke up somewhere between 11 and 2 every single day. By 4 I would be tired again. This is actually when I started to notice it was a problem. It was a few weeks later that I started getting into bed at 6. Then, when I was woken up for dinner, I would still be so tired that even my usual zombie communication seemed perfectly clear and understandable. Now I'm falling asleep at school, I have to wonder .... what the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I always tired?
Now I've whinged a little about that, I'm going to bed :)
Wednesday 14 March 2012
Amnesty International
I've been a member of Amnesty International for a while now and for Christmas I asked for some of their product things e.g. messenger bag, candles. I sign a lot of online petitions for things I consider to be very important. But last night I finally joined a group. So now I can do more.
I'd emailed the leader (?) of the group and so had an expectation of what it was going to be like. The woman spoke in very formal English and lives in one of the poshest and most expensive areas of the town. So I was slightly worries that the woman would be very snobby. Mum came with me because the meeting was held at the woman's house, and she had decided the people were most probably "do-gooders" and was worried they would talk down to us.
We couldn't have been more wrong. There were 5 of us in total, I was the only person under the age of 30 there! And it was all women. Everyone there was so lovely. The house smelled of that distinctive "old person" smell and there was a gorgeous cat that liked my shoes :') We talked about a few things and signed some letters to set free a guy from China. He's a blind lawyer who tried to file a case against the authorities because they were forcing sterilisations and abortions on some people. He was arrested and has been released from prison but him and his wife are now under house arrest. The other letter was to allow women in Saudi Arabia to drive.
Because of the meeting last night I walked into school with a petition for Shell to clean up their mess in the Niger Delta. I have almost 3 whole pages filled! I'm so happy. I love to make the world a better place and I'm glad to have contributed to this.
I'm really looking forward to the meeting next month. I can't wait to do a little more for the people out there who need he help. I know what I do makes very little difference but if enough people do the same then it will make a huge difference.
I'd emailed the leader (?) of the group and so had an expectation of what it was going to be like. The woman spoke in very formal English and lives in one of the poshest and most expensive areas of the town. So I was slightly worries that the woman would be very snobby. Mum came with me because the meeting was held at the woman's house, and she had decided the people were most probably "do-gooders" and was worried they would talk down to us.
We couldn't have been more wrong. There were 5 of us in total, I was the only person under the age of 30 there! And it was all women. Everyone there was so lovely. The house smelled of that distinctive "old person" smell and there was a gorgeous cat that liked my shoes :') We talked about a few things and signed some letters to set free a guy from China. He's a blind lawyer who tried to file a case against the authorities because they were forcing sterilisations and abortions on some people. He was arrested and has been released from prison but him and his wife are now under house arrest. The other letter was to allow women in Saudi Arabia to drive.
Because of the meeting last night I walked into school with a petition for Shell to clean up their mess in the Niger Delta. I have almost 3 whole pages filled! I'm so happy. I love to make the world a better place and I'm glad to have contributed to this.
I'm really looking forward to the meeting next month. I can't wait to do a little more for the people out there who need he help. I know what I do makes very little difference but if enough people do the same then it will make a huge difference.
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