I suppose that it would come as no shock to you that I am, once again, confused. There's this guy called Tyler. I was going to tell you all about him before but then things went wrong. I decided I wouldn't use a name for him because he wasn't part of my life anymore and so I would never mention him again. He's the "friend" I talk about in Judging. He's the reason I wrote Why I Hate Guys. He's the guy I write about in Amelie and the reason I fought with Amelie in Open Your Eyes Bitch. As hard as I tried to put him out of my mind, I couldn't do it. Especially when I started to think of all the good things about him instead of the bad.
But I did SO well. Even though I mentioned him fairly recently, he meant no more to me than Toby. I barely thought of him. He wasn't in my daydreams. I didn't fall asleep with him still in my mind. This was a huge, huge improvement.
And then it was ruined. Eva came into school today and told me a conversation she'd had with Tyler. Apparently, he did still want me. Apparently he just lost my number. And I don't know what to think. Part of me is begging this to be true. That part of me isn't over him, it wants to be loved again. That's the part of me that remembers all the good things. Another part of me thinks it doesn't matter because there's no way it's true. So I should ignore any feelings and get on with my life. Then a third part of me doesn't care if it's true. That parts just trying to defend me, to stop me getting hurt. It knows that if it is true, I'll fall for him again and it isn't worth it. That part of me can imagine the pain I'll have to go through.
The part of me that wants him back is the part that is the most determined to get it's own way. Even though the part that doubts the truth of the situation is the part that's probably right and which I should listen to, at least for now. And the third part is equally as right and the part I have to keep no matter what happens.
I wish I just knew what's going on. I wish I could make my mind up about my own feelings let alone what's going on. And now all the progress I'd made is totally reversed.
Tuesday 31 January 2012
Monday 30 January 2012
Judging
I decide whether or not I like someone based on how they treat people. Not just their friends, but the people they don't know and people like waiters and shop workers that are working for them. I accept people regardless of skin colour, race, religion, sexuality etc, as I have stated before. I also accept people with problems. A lot of people will see that someone drinks a lot or self harms or has voices and will make assumptions about the person. Me? No. I will accept any faults so long as you are still a nice person. That's all that really matters to me.
I treat these people with the respect they deserve as children of the Goddess. I treat them badly only when I have reason to. I would appreciate the same in return.
I suppose this is aimed at one person in particular. Who has no right to judge me. I don't know why I should have to justify myself but never mind. I guess I just don't like people to get the wrong impression.
Half of what I say comes across wrong. People seem to take joy in misinterpreting what I say until it has another meaning altogether. I am a fairly innocent person and maybe people should stop listening to my words and focus on my tone of voice. That will probably reveal more of my meaning. Over the Internet however, that is impossible. Instead, stop trying to read into everything I say. Stop trying to guess all the hidden meanings. You'll get it wrong.
You seem to have judged me on the fact that the first time I got drunk I was 14 and that I've gone further with a guy than you think I should have at 15. But both of those were a result of my depression and therefore I was not making the decisions with a decent mindset. I would also like to point out where I grew up. Here, most girls start drinking at about 11. They lose their virginity at 13 and then change their boyfriends every two weeks, sleeping with every single one of them. Those who do manage to have a long term relationship, cheat on their boyfriends regularly. And orange skin is considered normal. I stick with my natural skin colour. I only got drunk the once, although what I said may not have indicated that. And it was perfectly legal in the country I was in. I never even kissed a guy before I was 14 and haven't gone all the way. I won't until I'm legal and even then it'll be a while. I've had one boyfriend in my entire life and one "friend". No they weren't at the same time, no matter what you seem to think. I didn't even meet the "friend" until 8 months after I dumped my ex boyfriend. Neither of them lasted long but that's because they both lost interest in me. Again, my depression probably pushed them away. I have never cheated on anyone and never will.
I would also like to point out that if I hadn't got drunk that time I would never have kissed the guy I then went out with. I would never have then gone out with him. I would never have quit self harming the first time around. I wouldn't have realised yet that the only guys interested in me are the ones who think they can use me. I would never have discovered how to shut my emotions off. I would have been in a far worse place than I am today. Perhaps I wouldn't have calmed my curiosity about alcohol and drugs, both of which I was convinced would help me feel better.
What happened between me and my "friend" is nothing to do with you. But I will admit that yes, I did do more than I should. My logical mind didn't want to but he made it so hard to say no. I told you that he took advantage of the fact I was emotionally vulnerable at the time. And you said that you know a lot of guys who do that and that you "can't blame him". You said that "girls are so easy to get it isn't even funny". So if you know how easily we're convinced, how often we're used, why do you then blame us for responding to it?
I could say a lot about you that I could turn into something awful. But I accepted that without even considering. Because that's the type of person I am. I didn't judge you. Why are you judging me?
When you said that "[you] guess [you're] a proper Australian apart from [your] skin colour", I was pretty shocked. You told me that you respect me for my belief that skin colour doesn't matter and that if you've lived in a country your whole life then in my view, that is your country. So why all of a sudden have you taken the view that you're so much better than me?
I treat these people with the respect they deserve as children of the Goddess. I treat them badly only when I have reason to. I would appreciate the same in return.
I suppose this is aimed at one person in particular. Who has no right to judge me. I don't know why I should have to justify myself but never mind. I guess I just don't like people to get the wrong impression.
Half of what I say comes across wrong. People seem to take joy in misinterpreting what I say until it has another meaning altogether. I am a fairly innocent person and maybe people should stop listening to my words and focus on my tone of voice. That will probably reveal more of my meaning. Over the Internet however, that is impossible. Instead, stop trying to read into everything I say. Stop trying to guess all the hidden meanings. You'll get it wrong.
You seem to have judged me on the fact that the first time I got drunk I was 14 and that I've gone further with a guy than you think I should have at 15. But both of those were a result of my depression and therefore I was not making the decisions with a decent mindset. I would also like to point out where I grew up. Here, most girls start drinking at about 11. They lose their virginity at 13 and then change their boyfriends every two weeks, sleeping with every single one of them. Those who do manage to have a long term relationship, cheat on their boyfriends regularly. And orange skin is considered normal. I stick with my natural skin colour. I only got drunk the once, although what I said may not have indicated that. And it was perfectly legal in the country I was in. I never even kissed a guy before I was 14 and haven't gone all the way. I won't until I'm legal and even then it'll be a while. I've had one boyfriend in my entire life and one "friend". No they weren't at the same time, no matter what you seem to think. I didn't even meet the "friend" until 8 months after I dumped my ex boyfriend. Neither of them lasted long but that's because they both lost interest in me. Again, my depression probably pushed them away. I have never cheated on anyone and never will.
I would also like to point out that if I hadn't got drunk that time I would never have kissed the guy I then went out with. I would never have then gone out with him. I would never have quit self harming the first time around. I wouldn't have realised yet that the only guys interested in me are the ones who think they can use me. I would never have discovered how to shut my emotions off. I would have been in a far worse place than I am today. Perhaps I wouldn't have calmed my curiosity about alcohol and drugs, both of which I was convinced would help me feel better.
What happened between me and my "friend" is nothing to do with you. But I will admit that yes, I did do more than I should. My logical mind didn't want to but he made it so hard to say no. I told you that he took advantage of the fact I was emotionally vulnerable at the time. And you said that you know a lot of guys who do that and that you "can't blame him". You said that "girls are so easy to get it isn't even funny". So if you know how easily we're convinced, how often we're used, why do you then blame us for responding to it?
I could say a lot about you that I could turn into something awful. But I accepted that without even considering. Because that's the type of person I am. I didn't judge you. Why are you judging me?
When you said that "[you] guess [you're] a proper Australian apart from [your] skin colour", I was pretty shocked. You told me that you respect me for my belief that skin colour doesn't matter and that if you've lived in a country your whole life then in my view, that is your country. So why all of a sudden have you taken the view that you're so much better than me?
Friday 20 January 2012
Prejudice
I was talking to a guy at school the other day and for some reason the conversation ended up with him explaining to me why he hates gay people so much. He grew up in the north of London and apparently, tolerance isn't particularly important there. He said about people actively encouraging their children to hate and abuse gay people.
Naturally, anyone with any kind of heart or conscience feels sorry for the people that are hurt by this. But do we see the whole picture? It isn't just the hated that hurt. They, however, cannot change their situation really. If people see prejudice and intolerance from an early age, they won't know anything else. So the people that hate are the ones that need to learn how to love.
They won't do that because they suddenly feel a need to become more compassionate and accepting. Many people won't change at all. And personally, I have equal sympathy for them as for the people that they hurt. How can you be complete when you're like that? How can a parent inflict such things on another generation? How can they encourage their children to deny part of themselves? To have such a belief, to think that it is wrong to be gay, or straight, or black, or white, or from Africa or Europe of Asia or America or Oceania or to be a Catholic or Muslim or Jew or Hindu or anything else, is to deny an important part of you. We are all human and why should we hate based on such small things? We aren't meant to be put into boxes where we can be judged. Hatred is born from anger or ignorance. Anger we can't fight but we can turn productive. Ignorance needs to be wiped out. I've hated too in the past. But now, when I've let it all go, I feel a better person for it. And I'm more at peace with myself too.
I don't know why it hurts to hate other people. But it does. And even if for no other reason, if you have some kind of prejudice, let it go for your own sake. Learn to love so that you can love yourself and be complete within your own mind.
Naturally, anyone with any kind of heart or conscience feels sorry for the people that are hurt by this. But do we see the whole picture? It isn't just the hated that hurt. They, however, cannot change their situation really. If people see prejudice and intolerance from an early age, they won't know anything else. So the people that hate are the ones that need to learn how to love.
They won't do that because they suddenly feel a need to become more compassionate and accepting. Many people won't change at all. And personally, I have equal sympathy for them as for the people that they hurt. How can you be complete when you're like that? How can a parent inflict such things on another generation? How can they encourage their children to deny part of themselves? To have such a belief, to think that it is wrong to be gay, or straight, or black, or white, or from Africa or Europe of Asia or America or Oceania or to be a Catholic or Muslim or Jew or Hindu or anything else, is to deny an important part of you. We are all human and why should we hate based on such small things? We aren't meant to be put into boxes where we can be judged. Hatred is born from anger or ignorance. Anger we can't fight but we can turn productive. Ignorance needs to be wiped out. I've hated too in the past. But now, when I've let it all go, I feel a better person for it. And I'm more at peace with myself too.
I don't know why it hurts to hate other people. But it does. And even if for no other reason, if you have some kind of prejudice, let it go for your own sake. Learn to love so that you can love yourself and be complete within your own mind.
Sunday 15 January 2012
New Years Resolutions
I meant to write this a while ago but completely forgot. Most people make New Years resolutions but we hardly ever keep them. Last year mine was to keep breathing. I kept it. This year I've made a more ambitious resolution. But can you imagine what life would be like if we could just make the resolutions and that alone would make them happen? If that was the case, these would be mine:
- Stop being depressed
- Become thin
- Finish my story
- Be a better Wiccan
- Fall for a guy who genuinely cares about me
- Develop psychic powers
- Get A*s in all my exams
- Learn to play guitar
- Learn to punch hard enough to defend myself in necessary, or at least for when I lose my temper at the next arsehole who tries to use me
- Figure out who my real friends are
- Grow to a C cup bra size
- Become better at self harm (using something sharper than what I use now and making it bleed more)
-Start a fictional blog for practise at creative writing
- Move to a better town
- Get into either Leventhorpe or Bishop Stortford High School sixth form
- Gain some self confidence
- Grow my hair down to my waist
- Dye my hair black
- Get my eyebrow pierced
- Get my lip pierced and have it suit me
- Get the tattoo I want
- Go to see Black Veil Brides in Concert to celebrate my 16th birthday
- Go to a festival to celebrate the end of compulsory education
- Earn some kind of regular income
- Make a (positive) difference to the world
What would yours be?
- Stop being depressed
- Become thin
- Finish my story
- Be a better Wiccan
- Fall for a guy who genuinely cares about me
- Develop psychic powers
- Get A*s in all my exams
- Learn to play guitar
- Learn to punch hard enough to defend myself in necessary, or at least for when I lose my temper at the next arsehole who tries to use me
- Figure out who my real friends are
- Grow to a C cup bra size
- Become better at self harm (using something sharper than what I use now and making it bleed more)
-Start a fictional blog for practise at creative writing
- Move to a better town
- Get into either Leventhorpe or Bishop Stortford High School sixth form
- Gain some self confidence
- Grow my hair down to my waist
- Dye my hair black
- Get my eyebrow pierced
- Get my lip pierced and have it suit me
- Get the tattoo I want
- Go to see Black Veil Brides in Concert to celebrate my 16th birthday
- Go to a festival to celebrate the end of compulsory education
- Earn some kind of regular income
- Make a (positive) difference to the world
What would yours be?
Saturday 14 January 2012
Questions With No Answer
The future. It's a total mystery. I think I know what's coming but in reality, I haven't a clue. I could fall down the stairs and bang my head against the wall, falling into a coma tomorrow. I believe in fate but sometimes I don't like that idea. I want a say in what happens to my life. I want to be able to change it.
And people say "tomorrow is a new day". Yes it is, but so what? Tomorrow you can't be someone else. Tomorrow you're suffering the consequences of today. You still have the same past haunting you. You still have to live with the same memories. And other people will have the same memories of you. Everything we are and everything we do is shaped by our actions in the past. So how does it being a new day make any difference?
But if it's fate, we have no control anyway. If it's fate our decisions have already been made. So we worry about changing a future we have no effect on and waste hours trying to think how we can make things better. And everything has been decided by someone else. But who decides? Who has the awful job of choosing who lives in poverty and who's a millionaire? Who decides who's happy and who's not? Who has the heart to create the series of events that is human history?
And if it's all fate then where does suicide come in? Is that us backing out of what fate wants or has fate decided that too? And is there a purpose to what happens or is it all just "I feel like making someone do this"? I always assumed there was a purpose but now I'm not so sure. Because how many people in this world actually achieve something? Or even help people achieve something? How many of us actually have some kind of clue what's going on?
Most importantly: we're all going to die in the end anyway so why do I care?
And people say "tomorrow is a new day". Yes it is, but so what? Tomorrow you can't be someone else. Tomorrow you're suffering the consequences of today. You still have the same past haunting you. You still have to live with the same memories. And other people will have the same memories of you. Everything we are and everything we do is shaped by our actions in the past. So how does it being a new day make any difference?
But if it's fate, we have no control anyway. If it's fate our decisions have already been made. So we worry about changing a future we have no effect on and waste hours trying to think how we can make things better. And everything has been decided by someone else. But who decides? Who has the awful job of choosing who lives in poverty and who's a millionaire? Who decides who's happy and who's not? Who has the heart to create the series of events that is human history?
And if it's all fate then where does suicide come in? Is that us backing out of what fate wants or has fate decided that too? And is there a purpose to what happens or is it all just "I feel like making someone do this"? I always assumed there was a purpose but now I'm not so sure. Because how many people in this world actually achieve something? Or even help people achieve something? How many of us actually have some kind of clue what's going on?
Most importantly: we're all going to die in the end anyway so why do I care?
Thursday 12 January 2012
I Can Cope
So my mum decided to play this song to me, telling me to listen to the lyrics. (I couldn't help picking the video, I love Ian/Damon)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goglgdW8kZc&feature=related
Is it wrong of me to get angry? I mean, she just assumes I need help. It's her way of trying to subtly say she knows how I feel etc etc. No, she doesn't. I'm fine. I'm not some fucked up suicide waiting to happen. Yeah, I've been bad but I'm getting stronger. I haven't been too depressed for a long time.
OK, I'm bullshitting. But she doesn't need to know that. I can cope. I'm dealing with everything and if I want someones help I'll ask for it. (If, of course, I was in that video rather than Elena I wouldn't mind so much ....) I just don't get why she's assuming that I need help.
My friends stopped trying. Amelie made one last attempt and it worked. The rest of the time they made things worse. There are so few ways to actually help it's stupid that people are still trying shit they know doesn't work.
I'm not suicidal. I have been. For months it's all I've wanted. But I can't do it. I know what people will think it's because of for a start and I don't want anyone thinking that. And then there's the fact I absolutely refuse to give in. I will struggle through this year, whatever it throws at me. And I have so much I want to do before I die. I want to see Black Veil Brides and Slipknot in concert for a start! Other than that, I'm not too fussed actually.
I just wish people wouldn't assume they know what I'm going through. They don't and they have no fucking right to try and tell me they do. Whether it's through words or a song or anything else. You know the events but you don't know what's in my head. You don't know how I see things. You don't know how I feel or what I see. I'm not you. Every thing's different from what you see/think/feel. We're different and there isn't anything that can change that.
I used to think that I wanted to know someone was there for me. But you know what? I don't give a fucking shit. I look for that and I end up hurt as I hope someone can become more than they will ever be to me. I'm not looking for that. Or waiting and hoping. Because that's looking to. I've given up on that. I will make my own way. I can save myself if I want to. I have the strength. And I can cope with anything. So let me do so and leave me the fuck alone!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goglgdW8kZc&feature=related
Is it wrong of me to get angry? I mean, she just assumes I need help. It's her way of trying to subtly say she knows how I feel etc etc. No, she doesn't. I'm fine. I'm not some fucked up suicide waiting to happen. Yeah, I've been bad but I'm getting stronger. I haven't been too depressed for a long time.
OK, I'm bullshitting. But she doesn't need to know that. I can cope. I'm dealing with everything and if I want someones help I'll ask for it. (If, of course, I was in that video rather than Elena I wouldn't mind so much ....) I just don't get why she's assuming that I need help.
My friends stopped trying. Amelie made one last attempt and it worked. The rest of the time they made things worse. There are so few ways to actually help it's stupid that people are still trying shit they know doesn't work.
I'm not suicidal. I have been. For months it's all I've wanted. But I can't do it. I know what people will think it's because of for a start and I don't want anyone thinking that. And then there's the fact I absolutely refuse to give in. I will struggle through this year, whatever it throws at me. And I have so much I want to do before I die. I want to see Black Veil Brides and Slipknot in concert for a start! Other than that, I'm not too fussed actually.
I just wish people wouldn't assume they know what I'm going through. They don't and they have no fucking right to try and tell me they do. Whether it's through words or a song or anything else. You know the events but you don't know what's in my head. You don't know how I see things. You don't know how I feel or what I see. I'm not you. Every thing's different from what you see/think/feel. We're different and there isn't anything that can change that.
I used to think that I wanted to know someone was there for me. But you know what? I don't give a fucking shit. I look for that and I end up hurt as I hope someone can become more than they will ever be to me. I'm not looking for that. Or waiting and hoping. Because that's looking to. I've given up on that. I will make my own way. I can save myself if I want to. I have the strength. And I can cope with anything. So let me do so and leave me the fuck alone!
Wednesday 11 January 2012
Amelie
Amelie, she's been mentioned a few times. When I wrote my post "If People Had Warning Labels" which I deleted before posting, hers was - oh bugger, what was it? Something ending in "not realising lies are my crutch" But I don't remember what the first part was. It's really annoying. But never mind, you get the point I'm sure. I've often presented her as stupid and blind. For a long time I saw her as completely under Marzena's control. We argued and I hated having anything to do with her.
I've built up a very negative picture of her. And I would like to apologise. I was lost, I didn't know who was on my side and assumed therefore that no-one was. I only saw the way we would argue and she would believe the lies she'd been told. After this personal crisis actually led to something, I discovered otherwise.
In my loneliness, I became happy when a guy began to pay attention to me. I went along with it and we kept it secret. I only told Eva because it all just came spilling out. It all fell apart and Eva ended up telling Amelie. I was terrified because this was the guy I told you about in "Open Your Eyes Bitch". It all went far better than expected. I told her the truth about him and about how I was lost and hated myself and wanted to escape and I was confused and just trying to keep going. She got slightly angry at one point, but I can see why she did. That went away quickly though. She was incredibly helpful and so, so supportive. I am incredibly grateful to her and she's helped me get back on my feet.
So I thought I would try and show you more of her personality.
Amelie is completely insane. For Christmas I bought her a set of fake moustaches in various styles and there's a picture somewhere of us wearing one each. Most of the time spent with her is a good laugh. Such as when I stayed round hers and we got out her makeup. I wrote "olo" on her head because of her dirty mind and the innocent origins of the world. She drew a dick on mine. We gave each other moustaches and beards. And cat whiskers and wrote "bonbons" across our chest (a codeword for what was drawn on my head). Then we proceeded to take photos of ourselves in various strange poses and put them on face book.
The codewords are just as entertaining. I don't remember all of them but never mention these words to her: bonbons, socks, down, flake, teabags and biscuits. She is the most dirty minded girl I have ever met lol.
Other memories that reveal her personality? Well, there's the time Andrew went to Scotland and so she was going to join him in his suitcase and practise her Irish accent while she was there. Whilst hiding in his suitcase, she was wearing his underwear on her head. Which had a picture of a moustache on it. Why on earth I had to end up being forced to go with her I do not know.
I think, the only criticism I could ever make is her love of Andrew. He's a great guy, he really is. But she's convinced that she's going to spend the rest of her life with him. She's a bit over the top. He's a lot older than her and cheated on her once so her parents don't like the relationship. This means that whenever she gets caught with him she's grounded for months at a time. I have to wonder, is it worth it?
She's a fun person though, most of the time. She has her bad moments. But so does everyone. Quite a lot of them really. So maybe the main thing you could say about Amelie is: she's human. Confident, loud, funny, with mood swings. But still an average teenage girl.
I've built up a very negative picture of her. And I would like to apologise. I was lost, I didn't know who was on my side and assumed therefore that no-one was. I only saw the way we would argue and she would believe the lies she'd been told. After this personal crisis actually led to something, I discovered otherwise.
In my loneliness, I became happy when a guy began to pay attention to me. I went along with it and we kept it secret. I only told Eva because it all just came spilling out. It all fell apart and Eva ended up telling Amelie. I was terrified because this was the guy I told you about in "Open Your Eyes Bitch". It all went far better than expected. I told her the truth about him and about how I was lost and hated myself and wanted to escape and I was confused and just trying to keep going. She got slightly angry at one point, but I can see why she did. That went away quickly though. She was incredibly helpful and so, so supportive. I am incredibly grateful to her and she's helped me get back on my feet.
So I thought I would try and show you more of her personality.
Amelie is completely insane. For Christmas I bought her a set of fake moustaches in various styles and there's a picture somewhere of us wearing one each. Most of the time spent with her is a good laugh. Such as when I stayed round hers and we got out her makeup. I wrote "olo" on her head because of her dirty mind and the innocent origins of the world. She drew a dick on mine. We gave each other moustaches and beards. And cat whiskers and wrote "bonbons" across our chest (a codeword for what was drawn on my head). Then we proceeded to take photos of ourselves in various strange poses and put them on face book.
The codewords are just as entertaining. I don't remember all of them but never mention these words to her: bonbons, socks, down, flake, teabags and biscuits. She is the most dirty minded girl I have ever met lol.
Other memories that reveal her personality? Well, there's the time Andrew went to Scotland and so she was going to join him in his suitcase and practise her Irish accent while she was there. Whilst hiding in his suitcase, she was wearing his underwear on her head. Which had a picture of a moustache on it. Why on earth I had to end up being forced to go with her I do not know.
I think, the only criticism I could ever make is her love of Andrew. He's a great guy, he really is. But she's convinced that she's going to spend the rest of her life with him. She's a bit over the top. He's a lot older than her and cheated on her once so her parents don't like the relationship. This means that whenever she gets caught with him she's grounded for months at a time. I have to wonder, is it worth it?
She's a fun person though, most of the time. She has her bad moments. But so does everyone. Quite a lot of them really. So maybe the main thing you could say about Amelie is: she's human. Confident, loud, funny, with mood swings. But still an average teenage girl.
Monday 9 January 2012
Why I Hate Guys (or at least, the ones in my life)
I would like to just make sure the part about "the ones in my life" is very clear. I'm simply hating people I know
1. Only the creeps and arseholes are attracted to me
2. Telling someone they "wouldn't want anyone else" when they've been slagging them off to their friend and hitting on another girl would piss anyone off
3. I will never ever keep anything to do with one of them a secret again
4. It turns out I don't always know what I'm letting myself in for
5. I haven't come across one that actually tells you when they've found someone else
6. The stereotype of them being obsessed with their xbox? Surprisingly true
7. The ones that hit on you are quite obviously after one thing and as P!nk said "I'm not here for your entertainment" and "this body is a prize that speaks of loving unconditionally"
8. Those that aren't hitting on you tend to be total dicks. There are exceptions to this even in my life. I'll admit that
9. They become really hot when you like them but become so ugly when whatever was between you ends (regardless of what they looked like before)
10. I always hope that I've found the exception but I never have
11. Eva and Maddison are happy in love. I'm jealous
12. I was more miserable when the last one was in my life than before
13. I hate the paranoia and the being angry at myself for being paranoid and the what if I'm not paranoid I'm just noticing the truth
14. I waste so much of my time and thoughts on them
15. My town's full of the ugly ones
In case you can't tell, things were really looking up for a while and now it's all gone again ....
1. Only the creeps and arseholes are attracted to me
2. Telling someone they "wouldn't want anyone else" when they've been slagging them off to their friend and hitting on another girl would piss anyone off
3. I will never ever keep anything to do with one of them a secret again
4. It turns out I don't always know what I'm letting myself in for
5. I haven't come across one that actually tells you when they've found someone else
6. The stereotype of them being obsessed with their xbox? Surprisingly true
7. The ones that hit on you are quite obviously after one thing and as P!nk said "I'm not here for your entertainment" and "this body is a prize that speaks of loving unconditionally"
8. Those that aren't hitting on you tend to be total dicks. There are exceptions to this even in my life. I'll admit that
9. They become really hot when you like them but become so ugly when whatever was between you ends (regardless of what they looked like before)
10. I always hope that I've found the exception but I never have
11. Eva and Maddison are happy in love. I'm jealous
12. I was more miserable when the last one was in my life than before
13. I hate the paranoia and the being angry at myself for being paranoid and the what if I'm not paranoid I'm just noticing the truth
14. I waste so much of my time and thoughts on them
15. My town's full of the ugly ones
In case you can't tell, things were really looking up for a while and now it's all gone again ....
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