Politics

Politics. They play a part in every ones life, whether they notice it or not. I try to ignore it and just get on with my life. But I'm currently enjoying a day off school because my teachers are all striking. So I might as well express my view on this very controversial topic.
First thing is: our economy is failing. Everyone knows that. Our last government, Labour, fucked that up and so the difficulties we are in now are their fault. However Conservatives are failing at fixing these mistakes. It must be a very hard job trying to fix a country - the results are never instant and everyone wants things to be better now. Lib Dems are just puppets so they're useless too. Conclusion? None of the main 3 party's are any good. I don't know the other ones so I have no idea what they're like.
Second thing is: lies. I don't pay much attention to the news but I do know that politicians are all liars. For example, we were told tuition fees wouldn't be raised. We now have to pay more than any other country in the world to go to university. They work on what's best for them and if that means breaking promises, they're happy to do it.
Thirdly: Why the fuck are all of them from private schools? Maybe I'm feeling too much empathy for the Russian peasants we're learning about in history at the moment, but surely they're the worst possible people to run the country? When have they had to work for hours just for minimum wage? When have they been made redundant? When have they had to rely on the trains or buses that are never running properly? When have they ever had to worry about whether or not they can make a decent future for themselves? When have they ever had to sleep on the streets? The list goes on. We need the leaders of our country to be from a normal background. I want to know that the people that control my home are dedicated enough to have worked to where they are not just bribed people to get what they want. I also want to know that they know what it's like for ordinary people.
Fourthly: Why am I complaining? I can't make a change. And yes there's all that bullshit about how slaves probably though that and Martin Luther King probably didn't expect the results of his protests to be quite as big as they were. Women thought they would be stuck as lower class citizens forever until someone gathered up the courage to do something about it. But, using the Russian Revolution as an example again, it won't change. They decided they wanted Communism. A very good idea I think. If it was possible I would support it fully. But human nature is greedy and so it would never work. This was proved by the USSR. Lenin may have managed it if he was given more time but he wasn't. And then Stalin got into power. Because that's how life is. Things don't go our way and they get hard and everything fucks up. We just have to try and make the best of it.
So what is my view? Because I certainly don't know. I know how I would change it if I was in power. I know what I think people should do. But can any one person rule a country? An easy solution would be for every decision to be voted on by the people. But that would take forever. And we can't always get everything we want. So people are going to make mistakes. Knowing what I want isn't the same as knowing how to get it. I guess I'll just have to say that my thing on this is that it's stupid and no-ones ever going to agree. But we aren't finished yet. So maybe we should have some faith in our government. We're still a democracy. We're still a fairly rich country. Only 25% of our population live in poverty. It isn't ideal but it's the best we're going to get.

Open Your Eyes Bitch

In my history room there's a wall with work about the Holocaust. Across it are the words "those who don't study the past are doomed to repeat it". Whilst I'm not going to write about the Holocaust, that phrase is incredibly true right now.
When I began to write to you I had a lot of problems with Marzena. But I think things were fairly OK between Amelie and me. They hadn't always been. So let me give you a quick overview of what happened:
Almost every day Amelie would send me a text having a go at me. Her and Marzena would have been talking about something. And then something Marzena had said would get Amelie all angry at me. At first I didn't see the pattern. I assumed I was awful to put up with if I annoyed her that much. I though I was a rubbish friend and would quite often cut myself because of what happened. Then I went and got a boyfriend, Toby and all of a sudden Amelie was angry at me constantly. She hated him right from the start. For no good reason. OK, he did turn out to be an arsehole but still. Marzena used this to the best of her advantage. She lied to me, telling me something Amelie had said to her. So I got angry at Amelie thinking she had lied, even though she hadn't. I think that was when I started to see what was going on.
There's one argument in particular that I want to talk about. I had arranged to meet up with Toby because I had no other plans and well, he was my boyfriend. Amelie then asked if I wanted to meet up. Now, I will always put my friends before guys. But in a situation where I've already made plans - I don't cancel because I got a better offer. Only bitches do that. Amelie was furious. It was of course all my fault. How dare I make plans when she wanted to meet up? I'm meant to sit around waiting to find out if she wants to do something that day. No-one else can come first.
History lesson over, here are some more recent events.
Amelie introduced me to a guy and we got on. She didn't like that and started slagging him off. Although she now claims he was her best mate. She then stopped being friends with him because of what happened. I refused to let that deter me. We still meet up and we're friends. We had planned to meet up on Saturday just gone. But the day before Amelie asked me if I wanted to see Breaking Dawn with her family. I said I was busy because I wasn't going to cancel on this guy, he's my friend too and I was looking forward to meeting up with him. As I said above, only bitches cancel on someone for a better offer. But I never said why I was busy. I figured it didn't matter. I wouldn't bother saying why if I was out with my family or the girls.
And then last night I got a text from her because by not saying so I was "hiding things" and it "hurt" her. She "feel[s] like [she] can trust no-one and everybody needs somebody to trust". I wasn't hiding things, I just wasn't making a big deal of it. I'm sorry it hurt her but it wasn't intentional. And oh no, what will she do if she can't trust? She's right, everybody needs somebody to trust. But a lot of people don't. Do you see them making a big thing of it? I can't trust anyone. It played a major, major part of my life for a while and filled almost all my thoughts, my diary entries etc etc. But I never said anything about it to the people that hurt me. And now? Now I deal with it. But was she there when I lost my last little bit of faith in the world? Would she have cared if I'd told her? Would she have listened to my side over Marzenas?
"Those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it". My lesson to learn? I will always have to choose between Amelie and a guy. And my lesson from the shit Marzena stirred? Don't trust anyone. Ever. Amelie's lessons to learn? She can't get all the guys all the time, she has a boyfriend and there are other girls in the world. From the other arguments - don't trust anyone blindly. I've looked back and know what's going on. If I have to choose I will go for the one that doesn't ask me to choose. I won't trust anyone either. But Amelie can't learn from what happened. And so the cycle begins again. I'm doing what I can. I held back last night on what I wanted to say. Today I ignored her text rather than argue with it: that may seem bitchy but trust me it's better that way. I'm pushing it to the back of my mind rather than letting it take over my day. I haven't said anything bitchy about her to anyone. But if she starts on me, I can't stop her. If someone lies to her I can't stop them. If she believes those lies, I can't change her mind (even when I try). What more can I do to stop this from happening again? She need to open her eyes! But I can't tell her because then she'll believe anything else I say less, accuse me of being a bitch and hate me straight out. I don't even want her friendship any more, I just want peace.
What the fuck am I doing wrong?

Chapter One, Draft Two

Brietta
Everyone knows where they were the moment their life changed drastically. Such as those Fay who are old enough to remember when the last human king was assassinated 3 millennia ago. That was the day we were freed and began to rule.
But I'm not one of those. I grew up in a village untouched by the Fay that weren't my family. I knew nothing of the outside world, and I never dared hope it would change. That's where I sympathise with the last human king.
I bet that day was normal for him. He was visiting a part of the land that was almost entirely Fay renegades. We were slaves back then. He was trying to strike a deal with them and create peace. In his carriage, on the way to meet the Fay leader, he probably didn't think "they're going to kill me today". He was probably wondering how long it was until lunch and what he would get and what to buy his wife and daughter as a present from this far off, barbaric place that has since become our capital.
And I was the same.The moment before my world changed I was expecting an entire lifetime the same. I was sitting in class, hating and being hated whilst working on the novel I write in my Gaelic book instead of my work. I was writing the revenge scene and allowing my own feelings to creep in.
You see, the town detests my family. For a start they consider us "new". No-one in my family was born here except my brother Lir. And at least 2 generations of a family have to have been here from the moment they were conceived to be considered part of the town. It's utterly pathetic. So the town treated us quite badly. We were the cause of all the problems. We didn't get the same neighbourly charity as the other families. We were outcasts. And Maev was the worst of all. Her father was the village chief so she was very rich. So for my story I used my own fantasy revenge which goes something like this.
"A few years into the future, there would be a drought. All the crops would wither and die. Apart from those on my family's land, which would be kept alive by my brother Lir and his affinity with water. So Maev would be sent to us with the family's best horse as a sign of goodwill - they were considered important animals in my village. They would try to exchange the animals for some crops. As my other brother Miach would be taking the horse round the back and supposedly getting the crops needed, I would have a pleasant girly chat with Maev. Which I would use to convince her to unbraid her hair. So I could set it on fire. Then she would run. And the fire would spread to all the neighbouring houses. And with it being so dry, the whole town would go up in flames within mistakes. Leaving only the animals, who had been smart enough to escape, and my family"
Fays have one power each, hence mine and my brothers part in this fantasy.
Yes, this is the backdrop for the beginning of my life. As I was writing, a boy walked in. A boy I had never seen before, a stranger. There are no strangers here.

Opinions? It obviously gets better and this is just the first draft.

Characterisation: Amy

I've known Amy since I was about 9. She hasn't changed much, just got worse. Unfortunately, she's in my form, my science class, my history class, my maths class, my RE class, my Citizenship class and my French class. Although at least I don't hear from her in the latter.
In form I have to put up with her singing and prancing around in her idiocy. Acting childish I don't mind, I do that too. But showing off by being a total imbecile annoys me. Not to mention, no-one wants to hear her sing.
In history, debates tend to arise and, as in Citizenship, capital punishment has been the subject of a few recently. She is strongly for this cold hearted, barbaric practice. I am strongly against it. I often feel the need to voice my opinion on a subject, and this more than others - maybe in another post - but I do everything I can to keep quiet. She however makes no such effort, forcing her opinions on the rest of us. When I hear her cruel and uncaring words I practically have to bite my tongue to stop it from spilling the torrent of angry thoughts from escaping. She is one of those people that believes only she matters. And because she has to voice her opinion with no care for others who have been waiting to have their say, it irritates everyone else. Despite how pathetic her arguments are, the urge to smash her head into the nearest wall is too overwhelming to make arguing with her possible. But I keep quiet.
In science I don't listen enough to have to hear from her, which is a blessing you can't overestimate.
Until the recent change in seating plan, maths was hell. Every lesson she would end up flirting with the guy next to her. And not just normal flirting but slutty flirting. This is also where I would hear the gossip, including who she's slept with. On the history trip, I heard about her secretly giving some guy a blow job at a party. None of these guys are her boyfriend. But she has one. Has had one for 3 years now I think. She even claims to love him. But that love clearly isn't very strong if she still cheats on him.
She once pretended to go out with Noah, the most unpopular guy in our year. Everyone apart from Noah knew this was a cruel and sick joke. But he wouldn't believe us and she wouldn't listen to the criticisms thrown at her.
But those weren't the only things I had to witness. One day I turned around for a single second, no idea why now, just to see her with her skirt hitched right up, sitting with her legs wide open. I have never wanted to see her underwear and never want to again. I never wanted to listen to her conversations either but they were so loud I had no choice because they were so loud. Yet she was still Miss' favourite.
We finished RE a year early and last year was "religion and life". It was basically about forming an opinion and arguing our point. It's a wonder I got an A. The majority of the lesson time was spent trying to shut out the arguments between her and the other very mouthy student in our class. They were loud enough for the whole class to have been involved. And her bigoted ideas made my blood boil! Now we're doing our "extended project" I don't hear from her as much as before thank the Goddess!
This is a very small window on her personality with no improved traits and only some of the things I am forced to endure. But I hope it's enough to give you a glimpse of what she's like and to assess her character.

Lost In My Own Thoughts

Over half term so much happened. I can't quite figure out where to begin.
In one way, I'm less confused. I know myself a little more. I've gained enough confidence to stand a little taller and feel a little more whole. I've stopped trying to lie to myself, trying to be who I think I should be. And instead of relying on my hopes and fantasies, I'm on my own two feet: getting more cynical by the day. I trust no-one but myself and need no-one but myself. I know what the rest of the world is like and how to combat that. I'm not as innocent as I have been. I think I'm stronger for it.
But on the other hand, all these thoughts are new. I'm thinking things that would have shocked me mere weeks ago with no problem. I'm not really any more confident: I don't like myself any more. I just feel fairly comfortable in the knowledge it's me against the world. And just because I've stopped lying to myself about one thing, what about everything else? How much of what I tell myself is true and how much is what I want to believe? I still try and force myself into being someone else. And I thought I had lost all my fantasies and become cynical before. But I've had a strange awakening. Did I slip into my old habits? Just not to the same extent? Or did I think I'd lost all faith there was in those things? Simply not realising how much faith I had left to lose? Am I a total cynic yet? Or do I have to suffer more pain because of my pathetic faith in lies? Just because I don't trust them, doesn't mean I don't want to. I really do want to trust. And I say I don't need them. By that I mean I can cope without if I have to. I think. I don't want to though. It would be awful to be alone. And again, how do I know how much I'm relying on others? I couldn't cope properly alone. I might try and tell myself it's fine. But deep down I know it's not and that the psychological scarring would last longer than it should. I think I know what the rest of the world is like. But what if I'm still wrong? I've always been against stereotypes and grouping people together. But when humanity as a whole have made me the way I am, why should I trust any of them? Why should I hope it'll be different? And as I've always said as my anti stereotype argument: "how do you know?" I'm not as innocent as I was before, but is that a good thing? It stops me getting hurt I suppose. When did I lose it? I know it started about a year ago. But has it just been a slow process since then as it faded away, occasionally having painful chunks torn away by force? How much is gone? How much do I have to suffer from shit happening that I wouldn't deal with because I couldn't believe it was possible? I'm stronger. Am I really? I'm more wary, yes. I do everything I can to make sure I'm not hurt. I have a stronger grip on my emotions. But that isn't all good. I've seen the confusion not letting myself feel can lead too. The real question is, if history were to repeat itself, could I cope? I don't think I could. And with all this losing faith and not trusting people and trying to make sure that no-one can hurt me, am I just turning into a cold hearted bitch?

I just thought I'd share a few of my thoughts. This is what it's like to live in my head. Except only on one issue. Unfortunately it doesn't get any easier to understand and my thoughts get no less contradictory ....