Aliens

I rarely read the newspaper. Despite having an app on my phone where with a tiny bit of patience for the lack of accuracy fro a touchscreen and many taps on the right places, I can read newspapers from all around the world. But my nan buys one every day and occasionally I get very bored and it's just sitting there and I read it (thankfully every time this similar boredom approaches and the nearest readable thing is her copy of the 50 Shades series, I manage to remind myself that I do not want to read that).
So anyway, a while back I found an article about aliens. Apparently, if we ever find them, we will do so in this century. Personally, I do not care about aliens. No more than about humans anyway. Let the live there lives, we'll live ours. Both are interesting and strange and I have no idea what they're actually like but my wish for peace and respect of privacy overrides my curiosity on both species. But, of course, there are people in this world who aren't like that. People who must know everything. And don't always follow a moral approach to getting that. People who must claim dominance and power over everything. People who can't accept that we humans are not on this Earth to conquer everything in this universe.

So, of course, the inevitable question of what we will do when we find them arose. I only remember 3 of the possibilities that the writer suggested because these were the 3 that made me want to eliminate the human population for its greed and selfishness. (This was a temporary wish and then I remembered all the very nice people I know, and so everyone is safe from me for a while).

1. Eat them. I've seen War of the Worlds - more than one adaptation. Although I have never read the book. I'm not a fan of science fiction so I have no other examples but this will do. When they ate us, it was terrible. The fictional story sent America into a panic. Why is it then ok for us to consider eating them? It's unfair and we have no right. They were not put in this universe for us to use to our own benefits. Besides, there would be many lifeforms on this planet because one can't survive without the rest. So we would be messing up the food chain, ruining biodiversity and effectively destroying another planet.

Haven't enough animals suffered like this?

2. Put them in a zoo. They are not an endangered species. So there is no reason for putting them in a zoo except for humanities amusement. Again, that is not there purpose. We have no right. It would be cruel to put them in a cage on a foreign planet that they would have to readjust to because of the foreign conditions and then let people to pay you to gawp at them.This would also damage the ecosystem by lowering numbers. I saw the advert/trailer for a film with Tom Felton that was about how Planet of the Apes happened or something where they made this monkey think like a human and then put him in a zoo. He got mad and monkeys ended up taking over the world. Do we really want that to happen?

I didn't want anything too gorey

3. Teach them democracy. I have 2 reasons to be infuriated with this one. What makes people thinkthey aren't already democratic? Or maybe they have some other system that's better? What makes people think they need democracy. They could be loners like tigers. They could live in packs like wolves. Chances are, thereis some sort of system. Unless a whole planet can be a dictatorship, I think our influence isn't needed. There will be vairous countries and species on this planet, just like on Earth and they will all have their own ways of doing things. Our interference isn't necessary. I also think our interferance is bad because we are not a positive influence. Maybe when our own society is perfect can we attempt to shape others. But at the moment we suffer from far too many problems. Here are a few, in no particular order excpet the order I thought of them, in case it's not obvious enough: Prejudice, anorexia, obesity, STIs, teenage pregnancy, rape, drug addiction, depression, homeless people, murder, torture, war, poverty, greed, betrayel, high divorce rates, terrorism. The list goes on and on. I think the aliens are better off without our influence.

If we do discover aliens, ever, I think we should just leave them be. What do you think?

12 Year Old Sluts

At first I hated these girls for their immorality and lack of brain etc etc. But then I began to think about why they would do it and I have 2 theories.
1. This theory blames it on naivety. At 12 years old, most girls know in theory that they should never let a guy force them into anything and if he's worth it he won't push you. I don't know these girls personally but I know my own experiences. I knew those things too. But at 15, my biggest mistake was not realising that persuading you into things is basically the same as forcing you. I didn't know the difference between what I thought I wanted (what he wanted) and what I was ready for. How is any 12 year old meant to know? Experience is often what makes you really understand that you don't have to do anything you don't want to and how to know that you don't want it and how to say no. Some people are lucky and understand without experience, some like me understand after one guy, some take a while to learn and others never learn at all. Every guy I've had anything to do with has taught me something about my own worth and what I will and will not accept from a guy. After all, if I don't respect me, why would they? These girls are too young to have learnt that yet and some guys act as if it's their right to get sex etc. I remember that the popular girls back in year 9 thought it such a big deal to have a boyfriend in year 11. And I'm sure some girls will do anything because they're so flattered by the attention from an older guy or because they're so desperate to have something that makes them superior to other girls.
2. This theory blames an immoral and promiscuous celebrity culture that is idolised. My examples:

• Tulisa from N-Dubz made a sex video with her boyfriend. He published it. She took him to court. She won. Her advice to other girls was not to let it bother you too much. No mention of the fact that once something is on the internet it can't be taken back. No mention of the fact that once you've shared something with one person you have no control over what they do with it. No mention of the fact that you can say no.
• After the incident with Chris Brown, you would think that Rihanna would be a bit wiser. But she releases songs like S&M and wears nowhere near enough clothing. She does this for attention. Which gives out the message that attention is more important than self respect. And a lot of sluts are sluts for attention. I'll admit it, I try to bury it  but I'm a bit of an attention-whore too (as in someone who is desperate for attention rather than someone who is a whore to get attention). There are better ways to do it. And I only want the right kind of attention which is what Rihanna should be encouraging girls to try and get e.g. attention for getting good grades, for being a good friend etc.
• "I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock ... Come on baby let me see/Whatchu hiding underneath ... Don't be a shy kinda guy ... Skip the talk ... I want the jaw droppin', eye poppin', head turnin', body shockin'" - Katy Perry, Peacock. Lyrics courtesy of azlyrics. This song encourages girls to be slutty. And not only that, it looks down on guys who wait for sex because actually, they want something more. And isn't that the kind of guy we all want? Someone who cares about us, respects us and wants us for who we are rather than our bodies?
• How many of you know the P!nk song Stupid Girls? Hopefully every single reader. If not, go listen to it. Now. Not enough people do know it though. It's "old" and not mainstream enough. But here are some of the lyrics: "Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back/Porno paparazzi girl ... stupid girl ... What happened to the dreams of a girl president?/She's dancing in the video next to 50 Cent ... The whole world believes it and I'm going crazy ... Outcasts and girls with ambition/That's what I wanna see ... Pretty will you fuck me girl ... Stupid girl!" (Lyrics from the same place). This isn't her only song that could be quoted here - Respect would also work. More girls need to hear things like this. But they don't and they don't get the message in it.

If asked, most 12 year old sluts, or 16 year old ones etc, wouldn't realise that through their role models, they're picking up these kind of messages. But they are because you pick up on a lot more than you realise and all of it affects you, your behaviour and your mental state.

This is all speculation and I would love one day to look at both of these theories in more detail, finding out more information and write more about them. But I don't have the resources or time to do that. Which is a shame really. Maybe if we figure out the cause of such behaviours, we can protect girls from things that encourage such self destructive behaviour,

I'd also love to hear you opinion on these and any theories of your own :)

presents and friends

I have just got back from a week in Majorca. To me, one of the best bits of going on holiday is coming back with presents for people. I love buying pressents and I love giving them. I may not be very good at it but I try. So I bought presents for Ganika, Amisha, Scarlett and Freya. And now I want to give them their presents. I won't see them in September. If all goes to plan, I will never be at school with them again. Which means that at some point this summer we will have to meet. I have tried to organise meeting them earlier in the summer but no-one could manage the same days. Which is exactly what happened when I tried to organise something for my birthday. This time I've mentioned something, people vaguely responded. So, a while later (as in, the next day and the day before I wanted to meet them) I sent a Whatsapp message to Amisha, Scarlett and Freya saying I "really need to sort out giving people pressents. What days can [they] do ths week? And do [any of them] know how I can get in contact with Ganika?" Because as far as I know, she hasn't even read the text I sent her asking about it or the one I sent before the holiday, just to talk. She doesn't have Whatsapp either so I can't use that. I don't know her home number etc etc. Freya hasn't been online since before I sent the message and Amisha has been gone even longer than that. Scarlett however came online after I sent that message to join in the earlier group conversation about chess. She did not answer me and she must've seen the message I sent.
This really angers me. I spent time and money and effort into finding that pressent. I didn't have to do it. I did it because they're good friends (most of the time) and this is one of my ways of showing some sort of affection because I'm no good at it. I have worried about whether or not they'll like what I've bought them. One of them is breakable and I have been very careful to make sure that was protected on the flight home. I haggled for one of them, something I'm not good at and don't enjoy. Instead of going to Inca market, where I bought most of them, I could have gone to any number of more interesting places. Almost every coach trip was on that day or after we went home. The least they could do is be helpful to me when I'm trying to organise a meeting so that I can give them the goddamn things.
My boyfriend got back from Italy the same day I came home. I already feel like he's mad at me. Or I've managed to do something worng. Or he's not interested in me anymore. I'm just picking up on something negative. In Majorca, we called dad one day as asked. We gave him no warning so when he texted back to say he's on the phone to his new girlfriend, I wasn't too mad. Mum said we'd call back in an hour. So we did. To get another text saying he was still on the phone to her and could we call tomorrow. She has a child of her own. She would have understood if he had said he had to go because I was calling from Spain and he would call her back. But she's obviously more important than his daughter.
So if you add those two in, I'm feeling a bit unwanted and sick of it. I'm ready to burn those pressents if people aren't helpful!
P.S. In the time it took me to write this, Freya reaponded to the group conversation but not me. Scarlett answered saying she has Ganikas mobile number but her mum might have the phone, which I already know, ignoring the earlier part of the message and Amisha doesn't know how to talk to Ganika because she never answers and she doesn't know what days she can do this week. Am I wrong for finding this unbelievably infuriating and hurtful??

Prom

So, I had my prom almost a week ago. The gothic freak on the left is me. Next to me is Scarlett. Freya is the girl in the middle. I love her dress (but not as much as my own). Second from right is Amisha who was very pleased with her last minute, unbelievably expensive dress. The birthday girl too! And on the very right is Ganika. Usually I don't consider Freya as one of my best friends but I suppose she is one really. So I love everyone in this photo.
It was a great night. My aunt did my hair and makeup, which this particular photo doesn't show to well. I loved what she did, although I could have done with a bit less blusher. I got to the school when there were about 3 people there. When all my supposed friends turned up (not the ones in this photo, who are my real friends), they were all hanging round with Amelie. The stupid cow turned up to take photos and was wearing a white dress which she was pleased about when it began to pour down with rain. Stupid whore. It was so hard not to start crying when I saw her. She has to ruin everything.
Anyway, we got in the limo, which was colourful and random. It was so cool. I don't remember much about the journey - it was loud and kind of uneventful. But I do remember the rain looking like a waterfall on the window and people talking about Marzenas mum being hot. So of course I had to tell them my mum is hotter. Because she is. When I do a characterisation post on her, I will include a photo so you can judge for yourself.
We eventually got there. The place itself was quite pretty. I was insulted by a girl who looked like she was indulging in Gypsy traditions. But of course it wasn't an obvious insult. It was one that was disguised as a compliment. I hate the way girls use that. Lots of other people who know me because I've said and done stupid things that have been twisted and spread around wanted pictures, I can only assume because they wanted a picture with the "freak". Which angered me.
Amisha was embarrassed when her cake was brought out. Although she loved the earrings I get her. We bullied her into making a speech which she hated us for.
The music was of course the sort of music I can't stand. But it's popular. Personally, I would have played some Lost Prophets. At the least. But it was loud. And in the end, even I was dancing. But way before that Noah started. He is an awful, awful dancer and a few people were laughing at him. But to Hell with them. He was having a great time. He didn't care what other people thought. And enjoying yourself is what prom is about. Oh, and me and Scarlett managed to get a good bitch about Nicki Minaj. Goddess I despise that excuse for a woman! (Tad harsh?) The dancing was great. Although in my stiletto boots it was agonising. I wanted to take them off but I knew that the time and energy spent getting them off would be wasted. So I just tried to ignore it.
There were this couple, I don't know either of them too well. But I saw them together at one point and my heart melted because he gave her The Look. You know that one where from that one look, you know he is completely and utterly in love with her? I've seen it twice before - on a character in a film and on an amine. I guess that means there's hope for us all.
I missed Jaromir through a lot of it and even took some pictures to deliberately annoy him - like the one of me and his best friend. Which worked better than expected because said best friend put his arm round me. But I'm not going to use it against Jaromir. I changed my mind.
Anyway, point is - prom was great. I'm sure I've missed out a great deal of important events but never mind. So, what stories have you got from your prom/the proms of people you know?

Summer

I vaguely remember there being a song called "Summertime Blues" but that's all I remember about it. I have no idea what in that particular case is meant by summertime blues but the phrase fits what I have suffered from for years. Summer to me is about fun. It's about doing things and spending time with your friends. But that's not the summer I have.
Instead I sit in my room and think of what everyone else is doing. The fun that they're having. Because I can never make plans with my friends or do the tings I want to do. So I sleep all morning by which point there isn't much I can do because I don't have enough time to do things before I have to be back home. I spend day after day like that and I know that each day is wasted. And slowly that trapped feeling grows bigger and scarier. And I start to realise I'm wasting my life. All of it I've never done anything special and I never will because I'm too lazy.
I feel like this every summer. And as every summer approaches, I try to think 2this year, it'll be different. This year I'll do something". But despite my best intentions, it never works. And I waste another summer and because I've wasted it I start to get rather depressed and don't want to do anything which leads to me wasting more time where I could be doing something.
Does anyone else do this??
 I wanted to add something positive about summer and this was one of the pictures Google gave me. It was also the least bright of the pictures because as you can see, bright colours and cheerful things are not my style. Well, fingers crossed - one day I might find summer as happy a time as everyone else seems to.

Oh. My. Goddess

I got "fool", "beautiful" and "whore". Mum got "lovely", "sad" and "funny".
What did you get?

I Hate Mymaths

I have a maths exam on Wednesday and I've been revising using the tasks on mymaths. I spent an hour on "Pythagoras and trigonometry" before I even started the activity itself. Which I got 5 out of 20 on. I have not idea why I got 5 out of 20 or where I was going wrong. 3 of those marks were for the wrong answer.
I've found this video thanks to Scarlett and thought I would share Hitlers opinions with you:
"THEY ARE TAKING THE PISS! I TOLD THEM NOT TO SET ME ANY MORE HOMEWORK ON THAT PIECE OF SHIT! I've already spent the past week re-doing all of my tasks because I didn't press FUCKING "checkout" at the end. I  told them I prefer to do it on paper! Paper [lets] me show my workings. And all because they cannot be bothered to mark shit themselves! They have to get a gay computer to do their work! ... IT'S THEIR FUCKING JOB! To mark it and [give us feedback] ... FUCK THE SMILEY FACES! And those shitty scores! They can lick my balls! How the hell is a three colour marking system supposed to show you how you have gone wrong!?! And help you improve your problem solving skills! How the fuck am I supposed to conquer all of bastard Europe! When I have to spend hours wandering through my notes on the sine rule when I simply rounded up wrong. I hate doing homework on that infuriating system. I'd rather wear a tight little miniskirt and get fucked up the [arse]! By STALIN! I can't believe it's come to this. I was their star pupil, I knew those formulae inside out. Yet I only average at 68%! A single question - 8 MARKS LOST for one tiny fucking error! It makes me look LIKE A RETARD! You should have never told me to take maths at A-Level. I should have listened to my wife."
I have better grammar than Hitler (hence me correcting half of it but being too lazy to change the rest, and the changing from American to English). I don't wish to conquer Europe. I'd rather not be let Stalin do that to me (especially because it's have to be a zombie Stalin! Ew!!). I've never been a star pupil. I'm not taking maths at A level. I don't have a wife. I never use "gay" as an insult. But apart from that, Hitler has a good point.

School's Out!!

"School's out for summer
School's out for ever"
It's been a whole week now since I finished school. The leavers service was worth going to in the end I guess. Although it was doubtful. I won't bore you with the whole thing - just the parts that I remember. I was so excited because my mum was there. Normally she doesn't go to things like that. She has work and Dad has work.That's just how it is. But this time she was there to see me finish secondary school.
At one point our form tutors made speeches. They were all very soppy and sweet. One form tutor talked about what song she will remember each person in her form by. Amisha got "Mysterious Girl". I would have loved to know what song someone would associate with me. But our teacher decided to talk about uniform. Which is probably for the best, I might have cried otherwise.
We were all called up to the front of the hall in register order to receive our Progress Files. We had to walk from the back of the hall to the front. I hated it because everyone was looking. And all I could think about was that I was on my period and I really hoped I didn't have blood stains on the back of my trousers.
Freya, a girl I'm friends with, is normally very quiet. Her speaking voice isn't remarkable. She's smallish. And she got up on stage to sing. We all know she's good.She's got a manager and we've heard her sing some pretty song before. But this time it was a soul(?) song. Have you ever seen Christina Augilara sing? You look at her and think nothing much and then she starts singing in a voice that sounds like it should belong to a rather large black woman? (No offence intended, that's just the only way I know to describe it). Well, hearing Saffron sing this song was something like that. It was unbelievably shocking.
Just after or just before was some sort of multicultural thing. My boyfriend came up with it or lead it or something so I kind of had to pay attention. It was basically people saying that they loved the school and wish us all good luck. I feel bad but I have to admit it wouldn't be worth mentioning if it wasn't for Jaromir being part of it.
Towards the end a letter was read out. For charity week this year the money was raised for the Kerry Fitz-John memorial trust thingy. Miss Fitz-John was our geography teacher before she died of cancer last year. The money the charity receives is used to improve the facilities locally so that more women here can survive cancer. A letter was written to us from her mum, who runs the charity. This was the letter read out at the end of the leavers thing. That was the closest I got to crying. Which I managed not to do for the whole thing. Unlike a lot of people.
So that was it. The end of school. I have 3 exams left and then I'm done. How the fuck dis that happen?

Guilty Bystander

I am a despicable person. You know that someone is picked on continuously and you have nothing against this person. They have nothing against this person except that he's weak. One day, you are in a conversation that twists towards insulting him. What do you do? Do you do the right thing and stand up to them? Do you say something and remind them that they're dealing with a human being just like them? Do you ignore the fact that they could turn on you and defend him because he did nothing wrong? Or do you do what I do? Do you pretend you didn't hear anything? Cower behind some sort of mask and hate yourself even as you do it?
The trait I hate most in human beings is their ability to close their minds. They refuse to accept another way of life and hate those who do. These comments combined that stupidity along with their usual cruelness. I used to say something about that. Sometimes I still do. I find it important to fight those kind of thoughts, to try to make people see what the world could be if they just accepted one another. But no, not today. Not when it's people my age. Not when it's people I have to face on a daily basis. Not when it's combined with the above. Even when it's a false accusation.
I stand by, and let people be hurt. "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is the biggest lie we were ever told. Words are sharper and more painful than anything we can attempt to create in our constant battle with nature to destroy everything and everyone. And I could be a shield. I could break that impact, send it back. Yes, it would mean taking a few injuries myself. But I should be strong enough to handle it. I hate myself for every second where I haven't intervened. From now on, I will not do that. I will defend these people because that's the moral thing to do. Maybe I can't love and be all wonderful in the way I'm expected to help the world. But I can fight the idiots who think they're so superior because of their cruelty.

Arguing

I was on the Internet looking something up and I clicked on this other, unrelated link. I found a page on how to use the Socratic method of arguing. http://www.wikihow.com/Argue-Using-the-Socratic-Method
It's brilliant!! I've tried it on someone I'm in the middle of a debate with and I don't hope to convince him I'm right. I just want to make him think a little because he's so closed minded. He hasn't read it yet. But it's so much fun. Although patience is kind of needed. But I can do that. It's just asking questions and letting them dig their own holes! This is fantastic. Socrates is a genius!! It means you get less frustrated as well when you're trying to prove a point and they won't listen. If you're asking questions, they usually answer and .... wait a second. This is what Scarlett always uses on me ....
Well, I do need to know the weaknesses of this argument so that I can make sure the idiot with the closed mind doesn't win ... And so that Scarlett doesn't leave me so flustered and wound up after using it on me ....

I Have A Dream

I've just been watching Tangled and they all start singing about having a dream, so I thought I'd share mine.
I have a dream of being free. Being free from a world where success is measured by material things, where looking after yourself and no-one else is seen as a good thing, where some people have everything and others have nothing. Being free from all the things that are expected from me. To be free from the small minded people that weigh me down in petty thoughts and anger. To be free from myself.
I guess my dream isn't that realistic ...

What's your dream?

Scarlett

It's Scarlett's birthday today! So I thought I would dedicate a post to her. I bought her birthday present yesterday. It's a moneybox by pure coincidence. It's made by Nemesis Now because she loves them and looks like this:
I really hope she likes it. It was all I could afford. She has an obsession with dragons loves everything to do with them. Except killing/hunting etc them. She believes St George is pure evil for what he did and once decided to write a story about him. Except with changed names. He was, of course, presented as a baddie. Well, an obnoxious and cocky teenage boy anyway. Who failed to kill the dragon because of this girl who was an amazing fighter and took care of the dragon. The dragon had looked after her since she was a child and the only person in her village who wasn't killed by the evil king. This girl had the best weapons of course. Scarlett loves those as well. At the moment her favourite throwing weapons are Kunai, as pictured below.
But overall she prefers Katanas. Which my boyfriend (Jaromir) also loves. He owns one and I tried to use it but it's too big for me. Scarlett is very tall though and so it isn't as much of a problem for her.
When I asked her what else is really important to her she said her rabbit. From what I remember it's a male rabbit by the name of Fudge. He has no front teeth, has very long fur and a weak stomach. Oh, and he isn't mad on people. Which is something they have in common. He isn't her first rabbit but he's the only one she has now. He can be a bit violent but he loves her. And apparently if you pick him up, he'll climb over your shoulder to jump onto the floor. He's not a smart rabbit.
There's a guy at school called Luke. He is creepy. And one day he decided to "dance" with some of the girls in our science class. When he tried it with Scarlett, she attacked him with a ruler and won. He hasn't gone near her since. The world is grateful for her fantastic defeat of him. Although it also showed why she shouldn't be allowed near weapons :')
I probably shouldn't reveal her weaknesses but never mind. She's afraid of diseases. Once her dad made her sit through a film about them. I can't remember the name. She was texting us throughout the whole thing and neither myself nor Amisha could calm her down. Until it got to the end of the film. It turned out that the disease started from a bat. The bat pooed. A pig ate it. A human killed the pig. Hello worldwide epidemic. So I went on the Internet and asked google "do pigs eat bat poo?" Apart from one site I never told her about, all the results were reviews of the film. Which I decided meant that the film was unrealistic and impossible. That worked.
I want to say much, much more because there is so much more to Scarlett. But I'm sure everyone is bored by now so I'll end it.

Personality Quiz

I got this from www.personalityquiz.net It's called The Desert.
"You have been travelling through the desert for days. You are tired and water is running low. You have with you the following animals:
A cow (ko in Swedish, which I need to practise)
A lion (lejon)
A monkey (apa)
A horse (häst)
A goat (get)
You only have a limited amount of water left - not enough for you and all your animals to escape. If you run out of water all of you will die in the desert.
You realise that if you are to make it out of the desert at all, you are going to have to make a tough decision. You are going to have to leave one of the animals behind so that the rest of you may live.
Which animal do you leave behind?"
I chose the goat.
"You have four animals left. The desert is is burning up it goes on for miles. Your water supply is running even lower than you first thought. You realise that to get  out, you are going to have to leave another animal behind.
Which animal do you leave behind?"
I left behind the monkey.
"You have three animals left. You reach the oasis but it has dried up! You have no other choice but to leave another animal behind.
Which animal do you leave behind?"
Goodbye cow.
"You only have two animals left. It's a long hot walk. You can see the edge of the desert in the horizon. Unfortunately, you do not have enough water left for three. You can only leave the desert with one animal.
Which animal do you leave behind?"
Sorry lion.
"Congratulations! The two of you made it out of the desert!"
Each animal represents an aspect of your life. The longer they lasted the more important they are to you. So mine from most to least important are:
Horse - something you are very passionate about
Lion - pride and courage
Cow - desire to help and care for other people
Monkey - your desire to create harmony in a group
Goat - wealth and abundance

What are your results?

P.S. No animals of any kind were harmed in the creation of this post

Crap ...

I don't want you anymore.
You're the one I'm done crying for.
And yet when you call me,
I let you take whatever you want from me.
You're my destruction,
But I can't resist your seduction.
I beg of you to set me free.
I beg of you to let me be.


Tyler has been texting me ...

Emo Poetry

I used to write a lot of poetry and I re-read some of it today. It's been over a year so now I can laugh at my pathetic attempts. But I found two that I liked, even if they're not very well written. I'm desperately trying to improve them and not doing very well. Reading all those poems has made me want to start writing poetry again. Some of the stuff people write is amazing! Not the stuff I write but maybe if I keep on practising I'll get fairly good. Emo poetry's always been the type that makes the most sense to me ... I can understand that stuff. Reading old diary entries (how I found the poems) proves I'm not as depressed as I was before but they still mean a lot to me and I still have my darker moments.
Anyway, I found a poem called She And Me by someone called Rose o Fletch on a website called www.bestteenpoems.com and I thought I'd share it.
"She smiles, I cry
She's brave, I'm shy
She loves, I'm alone
She's amazing, I'm unknown
She's beautiful, I'm a mess
She's happy, I'm depressed
She's a fake, I am real
My mask is perfect, she hides me"
That is exactly how I used to feel. And sometimes in my worst moods, I still do feel that way.

Money

I got loads of money for my 16th birthday and I need to decide what to spend it on. I have 3 options to choose from: concert tickets, prom shoes and guitar lessons. I have £145.
Concert tickets, pros:

• I can make up for not seeing Black Veil Brides on my birthday
• I love music
• I love the atmosphere of concerts
• It will be an amazing memory and well worth the money
• There are so many bands I want to see live
• I really, really want to stand in another mosh pit which still seems like too awesome a word to use for anything that happens in my life

Concert tickets, cons:

• I wouldn't be able to see Black Veil Brides because I missed their fucking tour, rendering the first point useless (thanks a lot Dad)
• I have no-one to go with
• My parents might not let me go
• Dad might just throw a strop again and make things difficult

Prom shoes, pros:

• I do need shoes for prom and I have nothing that will go with my dress
• It's an excuse for another pair of New Rocks, especially since my current pair are beginning to fall apart because I wear them so much
• I can't ask my parents to pay for them because all the stuff I like is very expensive and mum already paid for my dress
• In response to the point below about shopping at Camden, I can shop online
• I won't have this much money again before prom

Prom shoes, cons:

• I won't be able to wear them until prom except around the house to get used to them
• They will quite possibly cost more than £145
• I would have to go all the way to Camden to get them. I don't know anyone who will go shopping with me

Guitar lessons, pros:

• I have always wanted to learn to play guitar
• They loan you an instrument
• I really really really want to be able to play an instrument, guitar in particular
• I may never get another chance

Guitar lessons, cons:

• It's £22 per lesson. I have the money now but I might have it consistently
• It might shatter my dream - what if I'm a total fail or it isn't as amazing as I'd imagined?
• What if I'm so awful I can't even get a second lesson?
• Lets face it, I'll never be like Jinxx or Slash or Gary Moore or Jimmy Hendrix or any other talented guitarist. No more than I'll ever look or sound like Amy Lee

If you have any idea what I should do, please comment!

Dentists

Today was the worst day of the past six months. Well not really but I'm allowed a little artistic licence :p
So I get up the town to meet my mum before stepping into Hell. We go to the reception and fill in a few bits of paperwork (again). Then we had to sit, waiting for the most horrible torture ever invented. Mum actually asked me if I want her to go in with me. And was annoyed when I said yes!! I can't face that awful thing by myself!
So eventually the devil himself comes out and calls us to the most firery part of his domain. I sat on the chair which he pulled back. I used to enjoy that bit but now I'm so terrified. And I'm bigger so it isn't as much fun.
I hate the way he makes you strech your mouth far wider than is humanly possible. ALthough as my mouth gets larger, it gets easier ;) And then he sucks all the water out of my mouth. How is that not torture when your mouth is stretched really wide open and you can't swallow?! My mouth could have dried up so much it would be useless forever and a miniature dessert! And he pokes that stupid little mirror around in your mouth too.
And then comes the worst bit! He takes a fucking scalpel and stabs all my teeth with it! I was almost shaking by this point. I wanted to run away screaming! I'm always scared it's going to get stuck in my tooth and never come out and it'll just hurt!
So he's finally done prodding at my teeth. It only took about a minute but it was a horrible, horrible minute!!!!
Then he gave me good news and bad news.
The good news: I don't have to go through that torture again for another 6 months!!
The bad news: I have to go through that torture again in another 6 months!!

Contecting the Dead

I made my oija bourd. It has a huge pentacle on it and ... actually, I might be able to get a picture of it ....
No, maybe not. Okay, description. It has a large purpe pentacle across the centre. In the middle of the pentacle is a protection rune. At the points of the pentacle are symbols for the five elements and their names. In the four corners I've written "yes", "no", "hello" and "goodbye". At the top of the pentacle, sort of around the top pointy bit, I've written the alphabet. Between the bottom two pointy bits I've written the numbers 0 to 9. To the left, between those two pointy bits, I've written "I can not answer" and opposite that I've written "I do not understand".
According to the internat the best time to try it is midnight. I'm tired all the time and never up until midnight. So early afternoon had to do. Lighting a white candle is supposed to help too although I can't remember why. I don't have one. I thought of doing it on a Wednesday because of magickal things to do with communication but I did it today (Saturday) instead. So it wasn't perfect condtions but who cares.
I tried to record what was happening with the voice recorder thing on my phone. But I'm very sorry to say, nothing was picked up. But that's okay too. I sat down with the ouija bourd in front of me. And for protection I visualised myself in a bubble of white light. That bubble is, I told myslelf, unpenetrable. Nothing with harmful intentions could cross it. I said allthis outloud as if it was some kind of spell. I had meant to make it into one actually. Adding "As I wish, so mote it be", as all spells seem to have at the end. I then welcomed the elements using "Valeries Rhyming Invocations To The Four Quarters" as found in Starhawks Spiral Dance. I would like to mention that they don't rhyme.
Then I tried to communicate with the dead. Nothing happened. Something the planchette thing. Or rather, something guided me to move it. But I didn't get anything that made sense. So I decided to try again another time. I was dissapointed but only slightly. I will try again someday. And maybe I shouldn't have started like that. But I said I'd post the results and here they are. Better luck next time? I hope so :)
P.S. Thankyou to Syukri for your comment on the post where I said I was going to do this :) The other people  I've told about it have been less supportive about this idea.

I Hate People

By "people" I don't mean my friends and family. Love you all. I don't mean the people I've never met either. So I guess the title's a lie. But right now I don't care. I just want to give it all up. I'm sick of fighting all the bad things and trying to find the good. I'm sick of feeling like I have to keep a smile on my face and knowing it won't work, that I can't fake it. I'm sick of agonising hours where I just want to cut myself but I can't. i'm sick of the people who make things more difficult.
Today I was asked of I still see Tyler. I haven't seen him since before the New Year. I texted him 3 fucking times.That was all. 3 fucking conversations. They made me so happy, so hopeful. And then Amelie decided she was going to mess it up. I haven't heard from him since. And I've accepted that I never will. I've stopped seeing it as a loss. It's what is meant to be. But still. She ruined anything that remained. So when I'm told, after being asked the above question, that she still cares about me I react badly. "How about you go slit your wrists again?" That is NOT what you say to someone you care about. I wonder if she realises the truth of what ended our friendship. Because the fact that Tyler was mentioned first suggests she still believes it was because of him.
In some ways, I blame him. Sometimes I need to blame someone because otherwise - well I don't want to think about why it happened if it isn't his fault. But when he entered my life, it shook up everything I knew. I needed that I guess but that doesn't mean I like it. I like to blame him for the changes in me. I like to blame him for me sinking back into depression, possibly further than before. I like to blame him for my suicidal thoughts. I like to blame him for the rest of the world suddenly becoming real and adult and scary and even more confusing than before. It feels like I'm standing on the smallest floor known to humankind, barely a stepping stone. It's in the middle of space. And that space is spinning around me, images of familiar people and things distorted beyond anything I recognise. I know I can't stay here and I need to find another stepping stone because this one is crubling. And I can't go back to how it was. But I can't see the next bit or even what's going on now because it's spinning to fast for me to figure anything out. Or maybe I'm spinning to fast to make it out and the world is perfectly still and simple and normal. It's felt like that for a while even if I haven't acknowledged it. But now it's worse, the spinning is faster. And for that I like to blame Tyler. But it's not his fault at all.
And the one thing I really can't blame him for is the end of my friendship with Amelie. This was her fault. This is because of what she said. This is because she is a fucked up selfish bitch. She lied about saying it. And she has never once made an attempt to contact me, not even to apologise. If she had, I wouldn't forgive her but I would consider it. Now, after all this time, I wouldn't. If she gave me an apology I'd tell her to stick it up her fucking arse. And Eva had better be lying about her saying she cares about me. Because if Amelie had the guts to say that, I'd be only too happy to cook those guts and feed them to vultures out in the desert. She isn't the only one who hides her worse side.
I never said this of course. I just said "she should have thought of that before" and walked away. It ruined my mood. I had been so happy, enjoying the sun because it pushes away the depression.
And now, I just want to give up. I want an easy option and I want people to stop hating and I want to stop hurting. I want to create a little bubble, crawl inside it and stay there preotected. An unpoppable bubble that shuts out all the nasty things in life.
I can't do that. But I can give up, just give up on life, on all of it. It's so tempting. But I can't. I have to be strong. I don't know why. I don't see the point. I'm tired of trying to be strong. I'm tired of trying to do what's right. I'm tired of trying to think my way through situations way out of my control. I'm tired of feeling like I've done those but then criticising myself. Telling myself I'm stupid and selfish and don't know what it's like to really hurt. That everyone else is far worse off than me and yet their coping, so I must be a total wuss. The self hatred is what I'm tired of the most. Nothing I do will ever be good enough as far as that spiteful part of my mind is concerned. It tells me to give up, that it's better if I do. But then it makes me feel like I'm pathetic and awful for just daring to even think of giving up.

Mediums

I was doing a pyscic test thing on the internet. It gave me 7 out of 10 for precognisis, 3 out of 10 for telepathy, something out of 10 for telekinesis and 7 out of 10 for mediumship. I want to try out the 7/10s. The first one makes a bit more sense. But the second, the medium part doesn't.
I believe in ghosts.Which confused me at first because I also believe in reincarnation. I thought about it a lot trying to find a logical way they could both exist. I settled for the simple ghosts have some unfinished business/don't know their dead/some other reason for staying on Earth. But when they're ready to, they move on. And I have felt ghosts sitting on my bed in the middle of the night. I always hear people calling me when there's no-one there. Sometimes in the voice of people I know. Both of these could be due to an overactive imagination. Although it hurts to say that because it's a cool idea.
But none of the questions it asked really referred to talking to dead people. And I can't think of any time when a ghost has tried to contact me. No matter how much I wish otherwise.
Soooooo, I'm going to test this. I am going to try to contact the dead. PLEASE don't tell me why it's such a bad idea. I love ghost stories. Trust me, I know how much some people fuck up. I know what could go wrong. I am making an informed decision and have decided that the risks are worth taking. However, for added safety measures, I will create a circle of protection around myself. I haven't decided how I shall do this but I have thought about it and will have made up my mind before I attempt to do this. Salt is good for protection but I have a carpeted bedroom and don't know where the hoover is to clean up afterwards. The hoover would wake up my family anyway. So unless I can find a way of doing that without making a mess, I'll have to find something else.
I have literally no money, so I can't buy lots of things. But I've been looking on the internet for methods. Every single website tells you to light a candle and sit in front of a mirror. Then you will see pictures. That isn't the right method for me. And not just because I'll be afraid to look in the mirror for a long time. I thought for a while about Ouija boards and how much they would cost. When I discovered you can make your own!! I'm so excited. I'm going to make one and try using it. Yes I know it's the most dangerous way of doing it etc, etc. But I don't care. I have already mentioned that I'm using a protective circle so I should be OK.
I'll post what happens! :D

Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep

When I wake up in the morning I'm practically a zombie. I don't like leaving my bed and my bed doesn't like letting me go. I remain tired for the entire day. I quite often have to fight o stay awake in class and don't always bother. I get home from school and I reach half 8 (if I'm lucky) before deciding I'm too tired. Sometimes I stay up anyway for dinner or to call dad or to finish a drink or because moving enough to get into my pjs and then onto bed is waaaaaaaaaaay too much effort. Wake up in the morning and repeat.
On Saturdays I sleep in and it's the most wonderful feeling ever. But at some point I have to wake up. When I do I have a headache because my body doesn't like sleeping that long, I'm desperate to pee, my throat is drier than the Sahara dessert and I'm fucking starving. I will try for a little more sleep but won't get any. And yet I am STILL tired. On Sundays I try so, so hard to sleep in as late as on Saturday. But I just can't. And I'm STILL tired.
During half term I woke up somewhere between 11 and 2 every single day. By 4 I would be tired again. This is actually when I started to notice it was a problem. It was a few weeks later that I started getting into bed at 6. Then, when I was woken up for dinner, I would still be so tired that even my usual zombie communication seemed perfectly clear and understandable. Now I'm falling asleep at school, I have to wonder .... what the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I always tired?
Now I've whinged a little about that, I'm going to bed :)

Amnesty International

I've been a member of Amnesty International for a while now and for Christmas I asked for some of their product things e.g. messenger bag, candles. I sign a lot of online petitions for things I consider to be very important. But last night I finally joined a group. So now I can do more.
I'd emailed the leader (?) of the group and so had an expectation of what it was going to be like. The woman spoke in very formal English and lives in one of the poshest and most expensive areas of the town. So I was slightly worries that the woman would be very snobby. Mum came with me because the meeting was held at the woman's house, and she had decided the people were most probably "do-gooders" and was worried they would talk down to us.
We couldn't have been more wrong. There were 5 of us in total, I was the only person under the age of 30 there! And it was all women. Everyone there was so lovely. The house smelled of that distinctive "old person" smell and there was a gorgeous cat that liked my shoes :') We talked about a few things and signed some letters to set free a guy from China. He's a blind lawyer who tried to file a case against the authorities because they were forcing sterilisations and abortions on some people. He was arrested and has been released from prison but him and his wife are now under house arrest. The other letter was to allow women in Saudi Arabia to drive.
Because of the meeting last night I walked into school with a petition for Shell to clean up their mess in the Niger Delta. I have almost 3 whole pages filled! I'm so happy. I love to make the world a better place and I'm glad to have contributed to this.
I'm really looking forward to the meeting next month. I can't wait to do a little more for the people out there who need he help. I know what I do makes very little difference but if enough people do the same then it will make a huge difference.

Recharacterisation: Amelie

I posted something about her character before and in light of recent events, I would like to correct it.
"For a long time I saw her as stupid and blind. I thought she was completely under Marzena's control". Now I disagree. She's a bitch in her own right.
"She was incredibly helpful and so, so supportive". She was supportive because I was doing what she wanted. Every time she disliked something I did, she stopped being supportive. Despite the I supported her in so many things I would much rather have told her she was stupid for. Like when she told me the reason she doesn't like lesbians is because she's afraid they're going to rape her. And she doesn't like Ganika when they've only met once. And she got herself grounded for seeing her boyfriend Andrew and couldn't see us for months at a time. Yet she'd then meet up with him again, get caught and be grounded. Instead of asking her if he's really worth it, I kept my mouth shut and wished her luck. (And she claims I put guys before friends? Especially since she's the one who let them drive us apart).
"Amelie is completely insane". I meant this in a positive way. Insane as in fun and not afraid to be different. She appears to be like that. But she once told me that if you want to kill yourself then you should keep your mouth shut and just do it. That's why, after trying to kill herself 11 times she was put in a mental home for 3 days. And there really was a little boy in the corner rocking and grinning to himself all weirdly. Bullshit! That never happened and even if it had, how would they have known? And that's why she also lied about being raped. And why she said to me "why don't you just go and slit your wrists" yesterday simply because I said I like a guy. She's insane in all the wrong ways.
"She's human". As if that excuses her from being as bitchy as she was? No way. I know that people have bad sides, my own terrifies me. But that doesn't mean they can be excused for everything they do. What she said to me was just vicious. I used to hate William the most out of anyone I had ever met. I must have mentioned him? After arguing with him I'd want to kill someone I was so angry. But I would never have said that. Or anything even like that. I know one of his weaknesses because his brother died recently. I saw him cry over it. I could have been cruel about it. But no matter what, I would never mention that. Even now I wouldn't say that to Amelie. Or pick on her weakness and tell her mum about the phone Andrew bought her and payed for. The one she only texts him from. The one that I'll bet she hasn't deleted the dirty pictures from.
My new opinion of her: She's a bitch. And all I can do is thank the Goddess my other friends didn't take up her plight today.

Tyler

I don't know why I'm mentioning him yet again, but I just can't seem to get over him. I miss him more each day. I've spoken to him a couple of times since we stopped being what we were. The first time it was because he had heard that I'd said I never felt anything for him. Weirdly enough, I had wished he would hear it and that it would hurt him as much as he hurt me. But when it came to it, I found myself telling the truth: that I'd said it to make myself believe it. Somehow he always manages to get the truth out of me. By the end it got more friendly. And some of the things he said meant so much to me, even if they were all in past tense.
The second time, he just wanted to talk. Although the conversation didn't last long. When I asked "how's life?", he told me it was "decaying". Part of me was just begging for him to tell me it was because he missed me and couldn't cope without me etc, etc. But then I reminded myself that I was being stupid and selfish. I'm not good enough for him. What I really want is for him to be happy. That's the unselfish thing to want, the better thing. He never answered me about it though and I can only guess what he meant.
The third time was last night. He told me about this girl he saw who looked "f-ing awesome" and he thought it was me. I asked if he liked her and he said she was "f-ing hot" but he doubted he'd ever see her again. So I told him that if he did, I hoped she was fucking amazing. Because he deserves nothing less, but I didn't tell him that part. He told me that "at the moment there's no-one better than you". I know what I want that to mean. But I'm afraid to hope.
And, if he did like me, I wouldn't know what to do. Because I want him back so, so badly. But he deserves so much better and I don't want to stop him finding that. And I'm afraid of how my friends will react. Which is stupid but I don't need the drama they'll bring. If life was a film, he'd make me realise that I am good enough for him and all my friends would be very supportive and not cause any problems at all. Life isn't a film though. And I keep hoping that he'll turn round and say he likes me. But what I really need is to know what to do. I don't trust myself to make the right decision any more. I just need an answer ....

What would you do?

What would you do if you wanted to text someone who meant loads to you, but you were afraid in case they didn't want to talk to you? What would you do if you wanted to tell someone you missed them but were afraid in case they said something you didn't want to hear? What would you do if you couldn't get over a guy you didn't deserve? What would you do if you were afraid of your own mind and wanted to improve it but just felt yourself slipping back to how you were? What would you do if you kept trying to quit self harm but couldn't manage it? What would you do if you just wanted to tell someone the truth and have them be there for you, but you didn't have anyone? What would you do if you wanted to cry but just couldn't? What would you do if you looked in the mirror and just felt plain and not worthy of noticing? What would you do if you just wanted to be good enough for that one person? What if you missed someone more and more each day but you knew you would never see them again? What would you do if you were me?
(All questions I'm asking myself but if you have an answer I'd be most grateful)

Life is Good

I did a post a long time ago about things in my life I was grateful for, and I'm probably still grateful for them. But here are some more things, just because I feel like it.

• I am finally beginning to learn from my mistakes
• I am healing my mind
• I have discovered that I'm not quite as selfish as I first thought
• My family really are more amazing than I give them credit for
• I've relearnt the value of friendship
• I've also rediscovered loyalty, something I was convinced humanity had lost
• I have finally discovered that yes, it can hurt to care about people. But it hurts far less than it does to not care
• I'm not that much more than a month away from being able to do conservation work and therefore helping the planet and therefore the Goddess that has given me so much
• There's always a positive side to everything, if you just care to look
• Today was the first day of spring in England for 2012. The sun's making me feel better all ready!
• I've never lived in a country under the regime of a cruel dictator or with as scary a political situation as somewhere like say, the Middle East
• War has never affected me personally
• I've only lost one member of my family and at the time I was too young for the pain to be as bad as it would be now
• I have a sense of humour, twisted as it is. And a sense of humour is something far too many people lack
• I have travelled to many other places since I last wrote something like this (Well, 6)
• I have never suffered the effects of a natural disaster
• I never lack food or clothes
• I'm not afraid to dream
• I have all my limbs and things

So yeah, life isn't that bad :)

Dear Tyler

Dear Tyler,
I know you'll never read this but I want to thank you! I spent so long hurt over everything you'd done and everything I'd done. For once in my life I can acknowledge that I messed up without completely blaming myself. We both made mistakes and I've regretted them again and again. I've been angry at you and hated you. I've wanted to hurt you as badly as you hurt me. I've wanted you back. I've wanted to just know the truth. I've wanted you to never have existed. And the truth is, you have caused me loads of pain and confusion but I don't blame you for it.
I still feel bad that you had to put up with me the way I was and I apologise for every one of my faults. However that is not why I'm writing this.
What I really want to say is thank you. Thank you so, so much. It took some time but you made me realise just how messed up my mind is. You made me see everything that's wrong with it. You made me realise all my problems. I had buried who I really was so deep, I thought she was dead. But no, she's here now. Awake and alive. I'm finally healing after all the problems over the past year and a bit. I know it's not over, it isn't all happy endings from here. But now I know how to deal with it a little bit better. I'm finally somewhere close to being happy. It's so unfamiliar I'm not even sure how true it is. But for once, I really am happy. Not the happiness I faked a few months ago, where I just smiled and that made me happy. No, this is a real happiness, deeper than that because I've sorted myself out.
Thank you for showing me all of my weaknesses. Thank you for confusing me so much I was forced to actually look into my own mind and see all the poison that had built up. Thank you for adding to it until I could no longer ignore it.
Blessed be,
Jezabel

Power Animals

I bought this book a very long tme ago. It's called Power Animals: How To Connect With Your Spirit Guide by Steven D Farmer. It comes with a cd with the meditation on it to help you find your power animal. I used this cd once again today in order to find my power animal and I have finally found it!
Here she is! And so cute as well! I love her so much!
I would recomend the book I mentioned above if you are interested in finding your power animal. It's very helpful. ALthough, it has information on various animals and what it means if they're your power animal. But my sweet tabby is ignored!
I found out a few thing from my wonderful friend the internet. What my animal says about me:

• I am independant
• I am a free thinker
• I am often energised at night (unfortunately very true)
• I tend to stay with a person or situation until I get bored, then I wander off
• I have clear perception
• I'm organised (not at all!)
• I need courage and confidence, which my kitty will bring me
• It's about time I changed, or I am changing
• I am elegant
• I am understanding
• I am intuitive
• I am empathatic
• I have a big heart
• I'm lazy (so, so true)

A cat as a spirit animal also:

• Represents love
• Helps you move through your fears
• Teaches that the physical and spiritual worlds are the same world
• Is a trustworthy teacher as well as being resourceful, strong and fearless
• Shows how to clarify perception
• Allows new ideas to manifest
• Encourages emotional and mental agility
• Helps you be resourceful and stealthy
• Helps you increase your intuity

Talking to her during this meditation thingy I also learnt that:

• She's playful
• She gives and recieves love a hell of a lot
• She's confident

Those last three are definately a part of me I buried long ago. As for the rest, some of it's scarily accurate. Some of it is a load of bull. But I have no idea what I'm really like anyway. So you can make what you like of my personality by this ...

Random Babbling

I suppose that it would come as no shock to you that I am, once again, confused. There's this guy called Tyler. I was going to tell you all about him before but then things went wrong. I decided I wouldn't use a name for him because he wasn't part of my life anymore and so I would never mention him again. He's the "friend" I talk about in Judging. He's the reason I wrote Why I Hate Guys. He's the guy I write about in Amelie and the reason I fought with Amelie in Open Your Eyes Bitch. As hard as I tried to put him out of my mind, I couldn't do it. Especially when I started to think of all the good things about him instead of the bad.
But I did SO well. Even though I mentioned him fairly recently, he meant no more to me than Toby. I barely thought of him. He wasn't in my daydreams. I didn't fall asleep with him still in my mind. This was a huge, huge improvement.
And then it was ruined. Eva came into school today and told me a conversation she'd had with Tyler. Apparently, he did still want me. Apparently he just lost my number. And I don't know what to think. Part of me is begging this to be true. That part of me isn't over him, it wants to be loved again. That's the part of me that remembers all the good things. Another part of me thinks it doesn't matter because there's no way it's true. So I should ignore any feelings and get on with my life. Then a third part of me doesn't care if it's true. That parts just trying to defend me, to stop me getting hurt. It knows that if it is true, I'll fall for him again and it isn't worth it. That part of me can imagine the pain I'll have to go through.
The part of me that wants him back is the part that is the most determined to get it's own way. Even though the part that doubts the truth of the situation is the part that's probably right and which I should listen to, at least for now. And the third part is equally as right and the part I have to keep no matter what happens.
I wish I just knew what's going on. I wish I could make my mind up about my own feelings let alone what's going on. And now all the progress I'd made is totally reversed.

Judging

I decide whether or not I like someone based on how they treat people. Not just their friends, but the people they don't know and people like waiters and shop workers that are working for them. I accept people regardless of skin colour, race, religion, sexuality etc, as I have stated before. I also accept people with problems. A lot of people will see that someone drinks a lot or self harms or has voices and will make assumptions about the person. Me? No. I will accept any faults so long as you are still a nice person. That's all that really matters to me.
I treat these people with the respect they deserve as children of the Goddess. I treat them badly only when I have reason to. I would appreciate the same in return.
I suppose this is aimed at one person in particular. Who has no right to judge me. I don't know why I should have to justify myself but never mind. I guess I just don't like people to get the wrong impression.
Half of what I say comes across wrong. People seem to take joy in misinterpreting what I say until it has another meaning altogether. I am a fairly innocent person and maybe people should stop listening to my words and focus on my tone of voice. That will probably reveal more of my meaning. Over the Internet however, that is impossible. Instead, stop trying to read into everything I say. Stop trying to guess all the hidden meanings. You'll get it wrong.
You seem to have judged me on the fact that the first time I got drunk I was 14 and that I've gone further with a guy than you think I should have at 15. But both of those were a result of my depression and therefore I was not making the decisions with a decent mindset. I would also like to point out where I grew up. Here, most girls start drinking at about 11. They lose their virginity at 13 and then change their boyfriends every two weeks, sleeping with every single one of them. Those who do manage to have a long term relationship, cheat on their boyfriends regularly. And orange skin is considered normal. I stick with my natural skin colour. I only got drunk the once, although what I said may not have indicated that. And it was perfectly legal in the country I was in. I never even kissed a guy before I was 14 and haven't gone all the way. I won't until I'm legal and even then it'll be a while. I've had one boyfriend in my entire life and one "friend". No they weren't at the same time, no matter what you seem to think. I didn't even meet the "friend" until 8 months after I dumped my ex boyfriend. Neither of them lasted long but that's because they both lost interest in me. Again, my depression probably pushed them away. I have never cheated on anyone and never will.
I would also like to point out that if I hadn't got drunk that time I would never have kissed the guy I then went out with. I would never have then gone out with him. I would never have quit self harming the first time around. I wouldn't have realised yet that the only guys interested in me are the ones who think they can use me. I would never have discovered how to shut my emotions off. I would have been in a far worse place than I am today. Perhaps I wouldn't have calmed my curiosity about alcohol and drugs, both of which I was convinced would help me feel better.
What happened between me and my "friend" is nothing to do with you. But I will admit that yes, I did do more than I should. My logical mind didn't want to but he made it so hard to say no. I told you that he took advantage of the fact I was emotionally vulnerable at the time. And you said that you know a lot of guys who do that and that you "can't blame him". You said that "girls are so easy to get it isn't even funny". So if you know how easily we're convinced, how often we're used, why do you then blame us for responding to it?
I could say a lot about you that I could turn into something awful. But I accepted that without even considering. Because that's the type of person I am. I didn't judge you. Why are you judging me?
When you said that "[you] guess [you're] a proper Australian apart from [your] skin colour", I was pretty shocked. You told me that you respect me for my belief that skin colour doesn't matter and that if you've lived in a country your whole life then in my view, that is your country. So why all of a sudden have you taken the view  that you're so much better than me?

Prejudice

I was talking to a guy at school the other day and for some reason the conversation ended up with him explaining to me why he hates gay people so much. He grew up in the north of London and apparently, tolerance isn't particularly important there. He said about people actively encouraging their children to hate and abuse gay people.
Naturally, anyone with any kind of heart or conscience feels sorry for the people that are hurt by this. But do we see the whole picture? It isn't just the hated that hurt. They, however, cannot change their situation really. If people see prejudice and intolerance from an early age, they won't know anything else. So the people that hate are the ones that need to learn how to love.
They won't do that because they suddenly feel a need to become more compassionate and accepting. Many people won't change at all. And personally, I have equal sympathy for them as for the people that they hurt. How can you be complete when you're like that? How can a parent inflict such things on another generation? How can they encourage their children to deny part of themselves? To have such a belief, to think that it is wrong to be gay, or straight, or black, or white, or from Africa or Europe of Asia or America or Oceania or to be a Catholic or Muslim or Jew or Hindu or anything else, is to deny an important part of you. We are all human and why should we hate based on such small things? We aren't meant to be put into boxes where we can be judged. Hatred is born from anger or ignorance. Anger we can't fight but we can turn productive. Ignorance needs to be wiped out. I've hated too in the past. But now, when I've let it all go, I feel a better person for it. And I'm more at peace with myself too.
I don't know why it hurts to hate other people. But it does. And even if for no other reason, if you have some kind of prejudice, let it go for your own sake. Learn to love so that you can love yourself and be complete within your own mind.

New Years Resolutions

I meant to write this a while ago but completely forgot. Most people make New Years resolutions but we hardly ever keep them. Last year mine was to keep breathing. I kept it. This year I've made a more ambitious resolution. But can you imagine what life would be like if we could just make the resolutions and that alone would make them happen? If that was the case, these would be mine:
- Stop being depressed
- Become thin
- Finish my story
- Be a better Wiccan
- Fall for a guy who genuinely cares about me
- Develop psychic powers
- Get A*s in all my exams
- Learn to play guitar
- Learn to punch hard enough to defend myself in necessary, or at least for when I lose my temper at the next arsehole who tries to use me
- Figure out who my real friends are
- Grow to a C cup bra size
- Become better at self harm (using something sharper than what I use now and making it bleed more)
-Start a fictional blog for practise at creative writing
- Move to a better town
- Get into either Leventhorpe or Bishop Stortford High School sixth form
- Gain some self confidence
- Grow my hair down to my waist
- Dye my hair black
- Get my eyebrow pierced
- Get my lip pierced and have it suit me
- Get the tattoo I want
- Go to see Black Veil Brides in Concert to celebrate my 16th birthday
- Go to a festival to celebrate the end of compulsory education
- Earn some kind of regular income
- Make a (positive) difference to the world

What would yours be?

Questions With No Answer

The future. It's a total mystery. I think I know what's coming but in reality, I haven't a clue. I could fall down the stairs and bang my head  against the wall, falling into a coma tomorrow. I believe in fate but sometimes I don't like that idea. I want a say in what happens to my life. I want to be able to change it.
And people say "tomorrow is a new day". Yes it is, but so what? Tomorrow you can't be someone else. Tomorrow you're suffering the consequences of today. You still have the same past haunting you. You still have to live with the same memories. And other people will have the same memories of you. Everything we are and everything we do is shaped by our actions in the past. So how does it being a new day make any difference?
But if it's fate, we have no control anyway. If it's fate our decisions have already been made. So we worry about changing a future we have no effect on and waste hours trying to think how we can make things better. And everything has been decided by someone else. But who decides? Who has the awful job of choosing who lives in poverty and who's a millionaire? Who decides who's happy and who's not? Who has the heart to create the series of events that is human history?
And if it's all fate then where does suicide come in? Is that us backing out of what fate wants or has fate decided that too? And is there a purpose to what happens or is it all just "I feel like making someone do this"? I always assumed there was a purpose but now I'm not so sure. Because how many people in this world actually achieve something? Or even help people achieve something? How many of us actually have some kind of clue what's going on?
Most importantly: we're all going to die in the end anyway so why do I care?

I Can Cope

So my mum decided to play this song to me, telling me to listen to the lyrics. (I couldn't help picking the video, I love Ian/Damon)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goglgdW8kZc&feature=related
Is it wrong of me to get angry? I mean, she just assumes I need help. It's her way of trying to subtly say she knows how I feel etc etc. No, she doesn't. I'm fine. I'm not some fucked up suicide waiting to happen. Yeah, I've been bad but I'm getting stronger. I haven't been too depressed for a long time.
OK, I'm bullshitting. But she doesn't need to know that. I can cope. I'm dealing with everything and if I want someones help I'll ask for it. (If, of course, I was in that video rather than Elena I wouldn't mind so much ....) I just don't get why she's assuming that I need help.
My friends stopped trying. Amelie made one last attempt and it worked. The rest of the time they made things worse. There are so few ways to actually help it's stupid that people are still trying shit they know doesn't work.
I'm not suicidal. I have been. For months it's all I've wanted. But I can't do it. I know what people will think it's because of for a start and I don't want anyone thinking that. And then there's the fact I absolutely refuse to give in. I will struggle through this year, whatever it throws at me. And I have so much I want to do before I die. I want to see Black Veil Brides and Slipknot in concert for a start! Other than that, I'm not too fussed actually.
I just wish people wouldn't assume they know what I'm going through. They don't and they have no fucking right to try and tell me they do. Whether it's through words or a song or anything else. You know the events but you don't know what's in my head. You don't know how I see things. You don't know how I feel or what I see. I'm not you. Every thing's different from what you see/think/feel. We're different and there isn't anything that can change that.
I used to think that I wanted to know someone was there for me. But you know what? I don't give a fucking shit. I look for that and I end up hurt as I hope someone can become more than they will ever be to me. I'm not looking for that. Or waiting and hoping. Because that's looking to. I've given up on that. I will make my own way. I can save myself if I want to. I have the strength. And I can cope with anything. So let me do so and leave me the fuck alone!

Amelie

Amelie, she's been mentioned a few times. When I wrote my post "If People Had Warning Labels" which I deleted before posting, hers was - oh bugger, what was it? Something ending in "not realising lies are my crutch" But I don't remember what the first part was. It's really annoying. But never mind, you get the point I'm sure. I've often presented her as stupid and blind. For a long time I saw her as completely under Marzena's control. We argued and I hated having anything to do with her.
I've built up a very negative picture of her. And I would like to apologise. I was lost, I didn't know who was on my side and assumed therefore that no-one was. I only saw the way we would argue and she would believe the lies she'd been told. After this personal crisis actually led to something, I discovered otherwise.
In my loneliness, I became happy when a guy began to pay attention to me. I went along with it and we kept it secret. I only told Eva because it all just came spilling out. It all fell apart and Eva ended up telling Amelie. I was terrified because this was the guy I told you about in "Open Your Eyes Bitch". It all went far better than expected. I told her the truth about him and about how I was lost and hated myself and wanted to escape and I was confused and just trying to keep going. She got slightly angry at one point, but I can see why she did. That went away quickly though. She was incredibly helpful and so, so supportive. I am incredibly grateful to her and she's helped me get back on my feet.
So I thought I would try and show you more of her personality.
Amelie is completely insane. For Christmas I bought her a set of fake moustaches in various styles and there's a picture somewhere of us wearing one each. Most of the time spent with her is a good laugh. Such as when I stayed round hers and we got out her makeup. I wrote "olo" on her head because of her dirty mind and the innocent origins of the world. She drew a dick on mine. We gave each other moustaches and beards. And cat whiskers and wrote "bonbons" across our chest (a codeword for what was drawn on my head). Then we proceeded to take photos of ourselves in various strange poses and put them on face book.
The codewords are just as entertaining. I don't remember all of them but never mention these words to her: bonbons, socks, down, flake, teabags and biscuits. She is the most dirty minded girl I have ever met lol.
Other memories that reveal her personality? Well, there's the time Andrew went to Scotland and so she was going to join him in his suitcase and practise her Irish accent while she was there. Whilst hiding in his suitcase, she was wearing his underwear on her head. Which had a picture of a moustache on it. Why on earth I had to end up being forced to go with her I do not know.
I think, the only criticism I could ever make is her love of Andrew. He's a great guy, he really is. But she's convinced that she's going to spend the rest of her life with him. She's a bit over the top. He's a lot older than her and cheated on her once so her parents don't like the relationship. This means that whenever she gets caught with him she's grounded for months at a time. I have to wonder, is it worth it?
She's a fun person though, most of the time. She has her bad moments. But so does everyone. Quite a lot of them really. So maybe the main thing you could say about Amelie is: she's human. Confident, loud, funny, with mood swings. But still an average teenage girl.

Why I Hate Guys (or at least, the ones in my life)

I would like to just make sure the part about "the ones in my life" is very clear. I'm simply hating people I know
1. Only the creeps and arseholes are attracted to me
2. Telling someone they "wouldn't want anyone else" when they've been slagging them off to their friend and hitting on another girl would piss anyone off
3. I will never ever keep anything to do with one of them a secret again
4. It turns out I don't always know what I'm letting myself in for
5. I haven't come across one that actually tells you when they've found someone else
6. The stereotype of them being obsessed with their xbox? Surprisingly true
7. The ones that hit on you are quite obviously after one thing and as P!nk said "I'm not here for your entertainment" and "this body is a prize that speaks of loving unconditionally"
8. Those that aren't hitting on you tend to be total dicks. There are exceptions to this even in my life. I'll admit that
9. They become really hot when you like them but become so ugly when whatever was between you ends (regardless of what they looked like before)
10. I always hope that I've found the exception but I never have
11. Eva and Maddison are happy in love. I'm jealous
12. I was more miserable when the last one was in my life than before
13. I hate the paranoia and the being angry at myself for being paranoid and the what if I'm not paranoid I'm just noticing the truth
14. I waste so much of my time and thoughts on them
15. My town's full of the ugly ones
In case you can't tell, things were really looking up for a while and now it's all gone again ....

Air Freshners

I know this is a random topic, but has anyone else noticed that Christmas air fresheners are always the same and never smell like what they're meant to smell of? So here are some ideas for Christmas/Yule/other midwinter festival based air fresheners that actually smell like the idea. I have no idea why.
- Fresh snow
- Pine trees
- Christmas dinner
- Hot chocolate
- Roasted chestnuts
- Santa's aftershave (Because we all know he's real ;) )
- Mince pies
- Scarves and gloves and hats and that indescribable warm and comfy smell
- That indescribable cold smell
- Gold and myrrh and frankincense
- Christmas pudding
- Winter flowers
- Er, what else is there?

Other Religions

I don't care what religion anyone is. I will disagree with almost every religion on some points and agree with almost every religion on other points. I don't know enough about most religions to comment. So I really don't mind what you believe in. I don't mind talking about those beliefs. Although that may not always have come across and I apologise for any misunderstandings on this matter.
The thing I really don't like is when people try to convert me or tell me I'm wrong. I have spent 10 years having Christianity shoved down my throat by my RE teachers. For that reason I respect said religion but only from a distance. I can't stand being expected to take part in its practises or the way people will say something, for example Christmas, is completely Christian when actually most of it is older than Christianity and they used those dates so that the people they wanted to convert would switch easier.
Because of the way I have had this religion thrown at me as if it is the only possible way to life, I react far more strongly than I should to following other religions customs. To me it feels like a trap, like I'm being forced into participating in something I disagree with. When really it's something neutral that in other circumstances I would do out of respect. I suppose I wouldn't mind if I had had a choice throughout the years, but instead it was forced on me, building up anger and frustration.
I could probably cope with this alone, just about. But I also had to face the way everything in my religion is looked at as being against Christianity. And if I try to argue my point, I'm not listened to. I quite often get very angry at this. Sometimes all I want is to be heard. Or to feel free being myself. When I can't feel this I instinctively start attacking whatever I feel is causing this.
I guess the point of this is to try and explain that past comments came out wrong. And why they came out wrong. This is also a warning to other people: if you try and force your religion on someone they will most probably run the other way, seeing freedom in something else. And that if you look down on theirs, acting as if it is completely wrong, they will think the same about yours. This is my last year at this school and so I'm hoping that over time this instinct to get away from certain aspects of other religions will disappear. I've learnt how to control what I say or do though now, realising why I act like this and how it comes across. Tolerance and mutual respect are vital. If we don't have them, disrespect and prejudice will spread like a disease.
Edit: The quote that perhaps best explains my view is "Having a religion is like having a dick. I don't care if you have one, just don't try and shove it down my throat"

Politics

Politics. They play a part in every ones life, whether they notice it or not. I try to ignore it and just get on with my life. But I'm currently enjoying a day off school because my teachers are all striking. So I might as well express my view on this very controversial topic.
First thing is: our economy is failing. Everyone knows that. Our last government, Labour, fucked that up and so the difficulties we are in now are their fault. However Conservatives are failing at fixing these mistakes. It must be a very hard job trying to fix a country - the results are never instant and everyone wants things to be better now. Lib Dems are just puppets so they're useless too. Conclusion? None of the main 3 party's are any good. I don't know the other ones so I have no idea what they're like.
Second thing is: lies. I don't pay much attention to the news but I do know that politicians are all liars. For example, we were told tuition fees wouldn't be raised. We now have to pay more than any other country in the world to go to university. They work on what's best for them and if that means breaking promises, they're happy to do it.
Thirdly: Why the fuck are all of them from private schools? Maybe I'm feeling too much empathy for the Russian peasants we're learning about in history at the moment, but surely they're the worst possible people to run the country? When have they had to work for hours just for minimum wage? When have they been made redundant? When have they had to rely on the trains or buses that are never running properly? When have they ever had to worry about whether or not they can make a decent future for themselves? When have they ever had to sleep on the streets? The list goes on. We need the leaders of our country to be from a normal background. I want to know that the people that control my home are dedicated enough to have worked to where they are not just bribed people to get what they want. I also want to know that they know what it's like for ordinary people.
Fourthly: Why am I complaining? I can't make a change. And yes there's all that bullshit about how slaves probably though that and Martin Luther King probably didn't expect the results of his protests to be quite as big as they were. Women thought they would be stuck as lower class citizens forever until someone gathered up the courage to do something about it. But, using the Russian Revolution as an example again, it won't change. They decided they wanted Communism. A very good idea I think. If it was possible I would support it fully. But human nature is greedy and so it would never work. This was proved by the USSR. Lenin may have managed it if he was given more time but he wasn't. And then Stalin got into power. Because that's how life is. Things don't go our way and they get hard and everything fucks up. We just have to try and make the best of it.
So what is my view? Because I certainly don't know. I know how I would change it if I was in power. I know what I think people should do. But can any one person rule a country? An easy solution would be for every decision to be voted on by the people. But that would take forever. And we can't always get everything we want. So people are going to make mistakes. Knowing what I want isn't the same as knowing how to get it. I guess I'll just have to say that my thing on this is that it's stupid and no-ones ever going to agree. But we aren't finished yet. So maybe we should have some faith in our government. We're still a democracy. We're still a fairly rich country. Only 25% of our population live in poverty. It isn't ideal but it's the best we're going to get.

Open Your Eyes Bitch

In my history room there's a wall with work about the Holocaust. Across it are the words "those who don't study the past are doomed to repeat it". Whilst I'm not going to write about the Holocaust, that phrase is incredibly true right now.
When I began to write to you I had a lot of problems with Marzena. But I think things were fairly OK between Amelie and me. They hadn't always been. So let me give you a quick overview of what happened:
Almost every day Amelie would send me a text having a go at me. Her and Marzena would have been talking about something. And then something Marzena had said would get Amelie all angry at me. At first I didn't see the pattern. I assumed I was awful to put up with if I annoyed her that much. I though I was a rubbish friend and would quite often cut myself because of what happened. Then I went and got a boyfriend, Toby and all of a sudden Amelie was angry at me constantly. She hated him right from the start. For no good reason. OK, he did turn out to be an arsehole but still. Marzena used this to the best of her advantage. She lied to me, telling me something Amelie had said to her. So I got angry at Amelie thinking she had lied, even though she hadn't. I think that was when I started to see what was going on.
There's one argument in particular that I want to talk about. I had arranged to meet up with Toby because I had no other plans and well, he was my boyfriend. Amelie then asked if I wanted to meet up. Now, I will always put my friends before guys. But in a situation where I've already made plans - I don't cancel because I got a better offer. Only bitches do that. Amelie was furious. It was of course all my fault. How dare I make plans when she wanted to meet up? I'm meant to sit around waiting to find out if she wants to do something that day. No-one else can come first.
History lesson over, here are some more recent events.
Amelie introduced me to a guy and we got on. She didn't like that and started slagging him off. Although she now claims he was her best mate. She then stopped being friends with him because of what happened. I refused to let that deter me. We still meet up and we're friends. We had planned to meet up on Saturday just gone. But the day before Amelie asked me if I wanted to see Breaking Dawn with her family. I said I was busy because I wasn't going to cancel on this guy, he's my friend too and I was looking forward to meeting up with him. As I said above, only bitches cancel on someone for a better offer. But I never said why I was busy. I figured it didn't matter. I wouldn't bother saying why if I was out with my family or the girls.
And then last night I got a text from her because by not saying so I was "hiding things" and it "hurt" her. She "feel[s] like [she] can trust no-one and everybody needs somebody to trust". I wasn't hiding things, I just wasn't making a big deal of it. I'm sorry it hurt her but it wasn't intentional. And oh no, what will she do if she can't trust? She's right, everybody needs somebody to trust. But a lot of people don't. Do you see them making a big thing of it? I can't trust anyone. It played a major, major part of my life for a while and filled almost all my thoughts, my diary entries etc etc. But I never said anything about it to the people that hurt me. And now? Now I deal with it. But was she there when I lost my last little bit of faith in the world? Would she have cared if I'd told her? Would she have listened to my side over Marzenas?
"Those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it". My lesson to learn? I will always have to choose between Amelie and a guy. And my lesson from the shit Marzena stirred? Don't trust anyone. Ever. Amelie's lessons to learn? She can't get all the guys all the time, she has a boyfriend and there are other girls in the world. From the other arguments - don't trust anyone blindly. I've looked back and know what's going on. If I have to choose I will go for the one that doesn't ask me to choose. I won't trust anyone either. But Amelie can't learn from what happened. And so the cycle begins again. I'm doing what I can. I held back last night on what I wanted to say. Today I ignored her text rather than argue with it: that may seem bitchy but trust me it's better that way. I'm pushing it to the back of my mind rather than letting it take over my day. I haven't said anything bitchy about her to anyone. But if she starts on me, I can't stop her. If someone lies to her I can't stop them. If she believes those lies, I can't change her mind (even when I try). What more can I do to stop this from happening again? She need to open her eyes! But I can't tell her because then she'll believe anything else I say less, accuse me of being a bitch and hate me straight out. I don't even want her friendship any more, I just want peace.
What the fuck am I doing wrong?